A/N: So, this is gonna be the last fanfic I ever put on here, probably. My most accessible internet connection is being shut down on Monday for like, ever, and I can't think of any other way I could put stuff on here, so yeah... Can you tell I'm crying inside right now? Well, I hope you enjoy the story, see ya laters, maybe...
Litchi squealed as she looked over Noel, dressed up in an adorable, frilly waitress outfit. She laughed drunkenly, and poked Noel. "You're so cute!" Litchi took a swig from a mysterious bottle, and stumbled into a closet to get another costume. "I know just the next thing, it'll suit you perfect!" Litchi started to giggle uncontrollably, digging through a pile of costumes.
"Riiiight," said Noel, not even paying attention. She was much to entranced by a certain panda. She held it in her hands, petting it. Stroking it. Squeezing it. The panda looked thoroughly uncomfortable, squirming about. Noel didn't even look up when Litchi came back into the room, holding up some strappy, complicated, wrapping outfit.
"This one's gonna be complicated to put on, so I 'm going to have to touch you a lot, 'kaaay?" Litchi chimed.
"Whateverrrrr," Noel droned, pressing her thumbs lightly into the panda's stomach. It's eyes bugged and it squealed slightly. No one payed it any mind.
Litchi was busy running her fingers up and down Noel's soft skin. She was just like a life-sized, adorable little doll. Litchi brushed her hands through Noel's soft, silky hair, removing it from it's previous style. Yes, she wouldn't let anyone take her doll away from her.
Suddenly, there was a knock on the front door. Litchi jumped, but quickly tried to compose herself, but really, just tried to look as not-drunk as possible. Hey, people do what they can. She quickly left Noel, half dressed, sitting in the chair with the panda, and stumbled to the door.
"Yes?" she asked as she opened the door to find some weird guy in a hat with a creepy smile standing there.
"Is Noel Vermillion here? I'm afraid there is something I need to discuss with both of you May I come in?" Litchi stared at him in a brief, disorientated moment, but opened the door and told him to wait in the front part of the clinic. She went to the back, finished dressing Noel, and dragged her to the waiting room.
"Noel, do you know who this is?" Litchi asked gently. Hazama stared at the narrowly connected mess of straps Noel was wearing, and then scribbled something in a small notebook.
"Huuuuh?" said Noel, not looking up, spacing out at the panda. Litchi's eye twitched. Hazama stood up.
"Ahem. Now that Lieutenant Vermillion is here, we can continue. I'm afraid I'm here to put you under arrest for the following crimes of," he paused, and took out his notebook, and read aloud, "animal abuse, disturbing the peace, public indecency, public nudity and dressing and undressing, more animal abuse, jaywalking, more public indecency, and having breasts under regulation size."
Noel threw down the panda. "What? Th-that's not, a-a law! Th-the last one!" Noel cried, outraged.
"Oh, ooops. What I meant to say was "loitering". And you can put another count of animal abuse on that list. Anyway..." Hazama took out a card and began reading a list of rights off of them.
"But, but... I didn't do any of that stuff...!" Noel whimpered as Hazama droned on. Litchi looked at her distressed partner as focusedly as she could manage. She then stared at Hazama. Finally, she acted, slapping the card into Hazama's face, grabbing Noel bridal style, and runinig into the distance.
"Hey!" came a faint cry behind them. "Get back here!"
A WAYS AWAY FROM ORIENT TOWN...
Litchi had been running with Noel in her arms quite smoothly, but then she remembered that she was supposed to be drunk, and then toppled over on top of Noel. Noel got up and started to pace, simultaneously freaking out. "What am I going to do now? I'm a wanted criminal! H-how did I let this happen?" Noel wailed, biting her fingers. Litchi sat up and looked around.
"Don't you worry, Noel, I'll think of something..." Realizing Noel was very upset, Litchi got up and put a hand on her shoulder. Noel chewed her lip, thinking. Litchi was thinking too, though it was more about how she had wished she brought some outfits with her. Suddenly, Noel gasped.
"Aaah! We left the panda behind!" she shrieked. "No! Why the panda, why?"
Litchi started to freak out, too. What if they sent him away, and she never saw him again? "We have to go back!" Litchi started off back to the clinic.
"Right!" yelled Noel, drawing her guns and running after Litchi. But a certain thought made her stop in her tracks. "B-but what if Hazama is still there? We'll get arrested!" Noel whimpered. But then she remembered that her guns made her not care about that stuff, so she resumed dashing after Litchi.
BACK AT THE CLINIC...
Bang sat on the front steps, head hanging in his hands. "I... I just cannot believe that Miss Litchi would commit such awful crimes! I refuse to believe it!" Bang Shishigami had come to the clinic the instant he had seen Litchi's bounty. He had wanted to come, hoping to help Litchi clear her name, as she could never do such things! Then, in the process, she would fall in love with him, and he would be a hero!
"M-mister Bang?" asked his apprentice. Carl Clover had a vaguely annoyed look on his face. Clutched in his arms was a miniature panda, and behind him was Nirvana, his sister.
In his excitement, Bang had jumped up in a heroic pose. "Just you watch, Carl! Today's lesson is how to help a person in need!" Bang shouted, unnecessarily loud enough to make Carl wince.
"Mr. Bang, I thought we came here to capture the wanted woman and turn her in to the NOL? To, um, rid the world of evil, and such." Carl said, adjusting the brim of his hat. The panda squirmed in the crook of his arm.
"NO, CARL, YOU ARE MISTAKEN! This person," said Bang, waving about a flyer with Litchi's picture on it, "is completely innocent! Thus we must do whatever possible to clear her name!"
Carl looked up at Bang, worry reflected in his eyes. He never often doubted his teacher... Well, okay, he usually doubted his teacher, but he was especially skeptical now. Bang was an admirable vigilante, but how could he know the person was innocent?
"If you say so." Carl finally said. He began to ask Bang when he thought Litchi would arrive, but was interrupted by a cry of...
"HANDS OFF THE PANDA!" And the world exploded into chaos.
"MISS LITCHI!" cried Bang, running toward Litchi. She whacked him away with her pole.
"Vigilantes! And they've got the panda!" cried Litchi, pointing at Carl. Noel gasped. Suddenly, Litchi grabbed her and threw her in Bang and Carl's general direction. "NOEL, FOR LACK OF WISER CHOICES, I CHOOSE YOU!" Noel stumbled and gave a brief moment to stare bewilderedly at Litchi, but remembered the panda and dashed after them, shooting.
Carl and Bang scampered about, dodging Noel's bullets. "Why, Miss Litchi? This is a misunderstanding, it must be!" Bang wailed.
"Mr. Bang, we have to do something!" Carl was getting farther and farther from Nirvana, which was worrying him. At this rate, he wouldn't have a good way to attack.
Stopping suddenly, Bang said, "You're right, Carl!" Bang grabbed the panda from Carl's arms and pushed Carl forward. "GO CARL!"
"C-Carl? What are you doing here?" Noel stopped briefly, wondering what Carl was doing here. Carl was wondering what Bang was expecting him to do.
"No time to talk, Noel! USE AMNESIA!" Litchi yelled as she appeared behind Noel, poking her.
"Wait, what?" asked Noel asked, temporarily forgetting what the hell was going on. Her special defense sharply increased!
"Carl, use cute charm!" Bang directed. Carl looked back at him, cutely and innocently.
"Mr. Bang? What are you talking about?"
"AAAAAW!" squealed Noel. "HE'S SOOOO CUTE! I CAN'T HURT HIM!"
"No, Noel, don't fall for it, attack, attack!" Litchi cried desperately, but to no avail. Bang laughed triumphantly, and Carl looked generally confused. Noel squealed and gushed. "EFF THIS! NOEL, BATON PASS!" Litchi jumped over Noel, pushing her aside into some random puddle. Splash.
"Hey!" whined Noel, out of her trance. Litchi proceeded to kick the crap out of Carl, bouncing him everywhere and waving about her pole in every which way. Bang just waited, until the right moment, when finally they were close to Nirvana.
"Carl, self-destruct!" Bang yelled.
"NO!" gasped Litchi as Nirvana began her countdown. "Nooooo!" She and Noel had to gtfo of there, screw the panda.
"WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN SCREW THE PANDA?" shrieked Noel, as Litchi hauled her over her shoulder and proceeded to "Got away safely!", despite the bad grammar, but really, the grammar in that sentence was butchered enough anyway. They disappeared into the distance.
AND SO...
"I can't believe we attacked Miss Litchi!" Bang wailed sorrowfully into his hands. Carl patted him on the shoulder, consolingly, panda held in one arm. "We... We have to find her again, and explain our mistakes! I can't believe I got so out of hand!"
Carl grumbled, something about not wanting to see her again, after all, he had been the one to get beat up, AND he had had to reassemble Nirvana. But instead he said, "How do you intend to find them?"
Bang sighed. "Good question! But I have faith, that as long as we don't give up, we'll find them, EVENTUALLY!"
Carl sighed, and adjusted his hat. "Well, what if we caught Jin Kisiragi, and held him until they come to find him? Noel is looking for him, and if Noel comes, maybe Litchi will, too." How he had come across such information...
"Brilliant idea, Carl!" Bang said. He had already caught Jin and delivered justice to him earlier that week, so how hard could it be to catch him again? And so, they set off to begin their plan.
AND WITH NOEL AND LITCHI...
"What do we do now? We don't have the panda, and we're still criminals! With vigilantes after us!" Noel said, freaking out. Litchi had forced her to change clothes again, due to her last ones being drenched. She was wearing some sort of leather-dress contraption.
"Well," Litchi mused, "What if we did something so useful to the NOL that they dismissed our crimes? Like finishing your mission single handedly!" Noel gasped.
"Brilliant idea, Litchi! Let's go capture Jin Kisiragi!" And so, they set off to find the major. After a bit of searching, they heard a rumor that two vigilantes were holding him for some reason near Orient Town. Having nothing else to go on, they decided it couldn't hurt to check it out, and neared their destination...
"YOU! WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING HERE?'" yelled Litchi as she saw the two familiar vigilantes.
"Miss Litchi! This was all a misunderstanding! Please, accept my apologies!" cried Bang as Litchi chased him about, throwing her staff at him and whatnot.
"Major!" yelled Noel, as she saw Jin unconscious in a cage. She ran up to it and began tugging on the bars, intent on getting him, Litchi, and getting out. But suddenly there was a sinister presence behind her.
"I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Noel." came Carl's sinisterly polite voice. Noel gasped.
"C-Carl!" and she then presently found herself getting looped to death.
Finally, though, Litchi was way too sick of this, remembering she had crap to do on her own, outside of helping Noel. She had her own story, dammit! She whacked Bang across the head with her staff with renewed vigor, and he slumped to the ground, unconscious. She grabbed a key that had fallen to the ground, and headed to the cage. She whacked Carl lightly, took the panda from him, plopped it in Noel's hands, got Jin out, and dragged him and Noel out of there. Carl stared, knowing that he probably shouldn't be messing with such an angry lady.
"There." Litchi said, shoving Jin into Noel's hands, trading with the panda. Now that this was almost over, she was infinitely more pleasant. "Now, you go get those charges cleared up, okay?" she chimed.
"O-okay! Um, thank you, for being so kind to me... I don't know how I'll ever repay you."
"Don't worry about it! Just be sure to come and try on more outfits for me from time to time, okay?" Litchi ran her fingers through Noel's hair and bid her goodbye.
BACK TO CARL AND BANG...
Carl sighed, crouching near his teacher, still unconscious, pressing a cold cloth to his forehead. At least he could now be relieved, this story was over.
A/N: I was in such a rush to write this, I skipped over some things... I don't really like this one as much as some of my others. But, well, thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it!