Sense of Being
Three weeks.
It's been three weeks since you set the wheels in motion to end your relationship with Carl. It's also been three weeks since you became Will's roommate. It's funny to think of yourself as just his roommate when you consider everything that's happened between the two of you, but for all intents and purposes that's all you are….for now.
Will has insisted that you take your relationship slowly this time. You were grateful that he suggested it, because although you are thrilled to finally be with Will, you do need some space to deal with the end of your marriage. Even though you ultimately chose to be with Will, there were feelings attached to your marriage; you wouldn't have married Carl if you didn't care about him. You aren't sad about your impending annulment though. You're where you belong. With Will.
And for right now, being with Will means being his roommate. The two of you aren't ready for more, even though you want it. It's been an interesting three weeks, one filled with eye opening experiences. You can learn a lot about a person when you live with them and you love everything you've learned about Will so far. You've learned that he has a penchant for eating for kid's cereal for dinner; there are boxes of Lucky Charms and Cocoa Puffs in his kitchen cabinets. You've also learned that while he's not much of a cook, he makes killer French toast and he practices songs for glee in the shower every morning. While you're getting to know Will, he's getting to know you too. He was shocked to learn that you like to sleep in on Saturday morning and that you like to unwind after school with gossip magazines.
Of all the things you learned about Will, the thing you enjoyed discovering the most is that he can't sleep without you. For the past three weeks you have woken up every morning snug in Will's strong arms. You're roommates that sleep together. In the literal sense at least. Although you've been sharing a bed, you've remained true to your promise to each other. No sex. It was difficult at first not to give in, but you know it's the right thing to do. Besides once your annulment is finalized you have the rest of your life to make love to Will. You'll finally be able to be together with no obstacles.
You've never been to New York; in fact you've never been on a plane. You've always been too afraid. But with Will by your side you are fearless, you feel like anything is possible. Going to Nationals with the glee club is the event of a lifetime and you are beyond thrilled to be able to share this experience with Will and the kids.
In between rehearsals and performances all of you manage to get to see some of the sights. You've been to the Empire State Building, Rockefeller Center and now to Broadway. You are just as excited as the kids to see your first Broadway show…..and as you stand to give the cast of Mary Poppins as standing ovation, you grab on to Will and thank him. He's smiling and squeezes your hand. He loves seeing you so happy, so excited. You kiss him on the cheek, mindful of the kids that are soaking in your every move and tell him that you are happy to be here with him and the kids.
Later that night after lights out, you knock quietly on his hotel room door. He opens the door and pulls you into the room. He tells you it's about time, that he's exhausted and he was waiting for you so that he could finally get some sleep before the next day's big performance. You playfully poke him in the stomach and apologize for keeping him waiting. He smiles, grabs your hand and leads you to the bed. The two of you climb in and he wraps you in his arms. You feel bad about wasting the school's money on your room, but Will reminds you that he'd be a nervous wreck without you in his arms, so it's well worth the expense.
A loud knock on the door at 2am rouses you from a deep sleep. It isn't until Will opens the door to greet Rachel and Tina that you realize they can see you…in Will's bed. You're disheveled and embarrassed but the girls greet you with a causal "Hey, Miss P" and ask Will for some Tylenol for Quinn who isn't feeling well. You slip out of bed, you want them to see that you are fully clothed, and get the pills from the med bag. When the girls head back to their room you get back into bed and snuggle with Will. The two of you laugh over the realization that your sleeping arrangements will be tomorrow's hot gossip.
The next morning the two of you round up the kids and head to their big performance. The kids work their way to a third place finish and after a celebratory dinner everyone heads to the airport for the trip home. You and Will are sitting in the hard plastic chairs at the gate waiting for the kids to pick up last minute snacks for the plane ride when Puck drops something in Will's lap. You better treat her right and be responsible he says before he walks over to the glee kids who are wide eyed and laughing nervously. You finally look down and notice the box on Will's lap. Condoms. You turn red with embarrassment and Will laughs nervously….very funny guys, he yells to the kids.
It's a Wednesday when your annulment finally comes through. The demise of your marriage has been kept fairly quiet and you're grateful because you don't come off so well in that story. Carl has been very understanding despite the circumstances, but you're pretty sure he doesn't want the general public to know that his wife cheated on him or that said wife refused to sleep with him. The fact is you haven't had much contact with Carl since you moved out and you meet him at the lawyer's office to sign the papers and get some much needed closure.
He tells you that he's moving, that he's sold his house and his practice. He lets it slip that the move to a suburb in Connecticut was something that he had planned months ago, while you were married. He'd intended to move the two of you to the New England state after you married him in Vegas. He wanted to put some distance between you and Will, wanted to keep you apart. As you bid him a final goodbye, you think about how happy you are now. Then you tell you him that you never would have left Lima with him, that you life is here. You leave then, to head home to your life.
You get home and find Will in the kitchen making dinner. It's a quiet night; you'd both agreed not to celebrate the end of your marriage. It didn't seem right. So on the night you officially became Emma Pillsbury once again, you and Will curl up on the couch and watch a movie. As far as you're concerned it's the perfect way to spend the night.
The next morning Will leaves early for work. He has a parent meeting before school starts. You head in to school alone and make your way to your office. As you approach the door you notice that your office is full….of flowers. Roses to be exact. Every surface is filled with vases of yellow roses….your favorite. As you push open the door and step inside to try and find your desk you feel a pair of strong arms wrap around your waist. You lean back into his embrace and tell him it's too much. He kisses you and tells you that nothing is too much, that although he agreed not to celebrate the end of your marriage to Carl, he made no such promise about celebrating the beginning of your relationship with him. He tells you that he loves you, that you have reservations at seven. He's taking you out tonight. He invites you to stay for glee practice but you decline with a smile. You're going shopping instead; you want a new dress for your first official date with your boyfriend. It's the first time you called him that and he's grinning at you like an idiot.
Your first date is perfect. He takes you to the fanciest restaurant in town for dinner. He wraps you in his arms and twirls you around on the dance floor. He makes your toes curl when he makes love to you later that night. He brings tears to your eyes when he wraps his arms around you and tells you that he loves you more than anything in the world.
You don't think you've ever looked forward to summer break as much as you have this year. You can't wait to spend every waking moment with your boyfriend away from the prying eyes of the students and your colleagues. You've been together officially for a few weeks and you can't wait to spend lazy summer days with Will. And that's exactly what you do. The two of you sleep late and make love in the afternoon.
Will has made it his mission to make love to you in every room of the apartment the two of you share. At first you were hesitant, you're a lot less focused on germs and cleanliness, but letting go and being impulsive still is a bit of a stretch. Will however makes it easy for you to forget yourself and give into the moment. As a result, you've christened the couch, the shower, the floor in front of the fireplace (no fire of course….it is summer after all) and the leather recliner. What you never expected though was for Will to accost you in the kitchen while you were making dinner.
You are so intently focused on the task at hand that you don't hear Will pad barefoot into the kitchen until he grabs you by the waist and spins you around to face him. He kisses you passionately and lifts you on to the counter. You're momentarily stunned by the change of location but you wrap your legs around him and return his kisses with equal vigor.
Your eyes widen in surprise as you realize that he is reaching under your sundress and sliding your panties down your legs. Your momentarily panic as his fingers reach their intended target but the sensations he is eliciting from your body has you reaching for his belt. As soon as his pants hit the floor, he is inside of you, moving deeply. Your orgasm is swallowed by the sound of the smoke detector; dinner is ruined. Will slides out of you and you jump off the counter, and make quick work of cleaning the mess while he pulls up his pants. You playfully smack his rear-end with the dishtowel and he reaches out to grab you. You duck out of his reach and he chases you into the living room. Laughing, he scoops you up and carries you into the bedroom; neither of you is hungry for dinner.
There are clothes all over your bedroom. Skirts, blouses and dresses of every color are strewn over the neatly bed. Will is watching you with a bemused expression on his face; he's never see you like this before. You're muttering something about looking frumpy as you yank a dress over your head. You toss it aside and it lands on Will's head. He laughs and puts the dress neatly back on its hanger. You stand in front of him in your bra and panties, your hands on your hips. It's not funny, you tell him, and you have nothing to wear. You're meeting his parents in less than an hour and you're still in your underwear.
You've never done the 'meet the parents' thing before and you are thisclose to a full blown panic attack. He kisses you on your forehead, wraps his arms around you and tells you that you are beautiful…inside and out. He tells you that it doesn't matter what you wear, that his parents will love you as much as he does. He releases you and heads to the door. Before he leaves the room he winks at you and tells you that you look great in yellow. You smile and reach into the closet and grab your favorite yellow sundress and slide it over your head. Will reaches for the zipper, surprising you….you wonder when he came back into the room and zips you up. He kisses you and tells you again that his parents will love you.
And they do. Your night with the Schuesters is full of good conversation and stories about Will's childhood. Dinner is delicious and you notice with appreciation that the meal is relatively dairy free. They like you, and you immediately relax. It's going to be ok.
In August, just before school starts, you take Will home to Virginia. You've never brought a boyfriend home to meet your parents. Your parents never met Carl the entire time you were married to him. Now that you're with Will you are thrilled to have them finally meet him. Will on the other hand is a nervous wreck and you spend the entire ride down trying to convince him that your family will love him.
The week with your family is going well. Will blends in so well that it's like he's always been a part of the family. Your mom dotes on him, thinks he's sweet. Your dad thinks he has a good head on his shoulders, that he'll be a good provider. Your brother thinks he's the best thing that has happened to you….and you agree. Your brother is your fiercest protector and watching him get along so well with Will makes you feel at ease.
But it's your niece and nephew that cement Will's place in the family. The third day into your week in Richmond, you find Will in the living room sitting on the floor playing with your brother's children. Four year old Liam is pushing his matchbox cars around while thirteen month old Amelia climbs on Will. It's a sight that warms your heart, a sight that has you pondering pregnancy and dirty diapers. Will is perfectly at ease with the kids and you're trying, you really are. In fact just yesterday you managed to change Amelia's diaper without having a panic attack. You want this; you want to have a family with Will. Someday.
The fall brings a new school year and before long you are back to your old routine. You eat lunch with Will every day, try to let Sue's insults roll of your back and teach SAT prep classes twice a week. Will spends his prep periods with you in your office and you spend your afternoons cheering on the glee kids at rehearsal. Life is good.
It's well into the New Year when you realize that you are late. You and Will spent your first Christmas together in Lima alone, just the two of you. You spend most of the vacation from school in bed wrapped in each other's arms. It's actually another night of energetic love making that brings you to the realization that it hasn't been that time of the month yet this month. The thought of pregnancy has you wired and you spend the night tossing and turning, thinking about what to do.
Should you tell Will right away? Should you wait until you find out if you really are pregnant to tell him? You're not sure what the best choice is, but you know that you don't want to hurt him. You can't bear the thought of disappointing him, not after the awful lies Terri told him.
You decide to tell him about your suspicion. He's guarded, like he doesn't want to get his hopes up. He suggests the two of you go and get a pregnancy test and you head to the pharmacy. Later that night after a pep talk from Will, you pee on a stick. The two of you sit on the couch, quiet, waiting to find out your fate.
You don't know who is more disappointed at the negative result, you or Will. You are actually very surprised at the depth of your disappointment; you hadn't expected to feel that way. That night as you snuggle up to him and lay your head on his chest, you tell him that you are ready to have a family that you wanted to be pregnant. He sits up, bringing you with him. He's a little surprised; you hadn't talked about taking your relationship to the next level. So that's what you do, you talk. You talk about what you both want for the future, about marriage and babies. He tells you that he's not ready to propose, but that he's thought about it. With a smile he tells you that he's been thinking about it since he flicked a garter across the room when he saw you in a white dress. It's always been you he says, long before it was ok to think of you in that way.
The kids have been calling you Mrs. Schue. Not to your face of course, but when you overhear them refer to you as Will's wife, you can't help but smile. You like the sound of it…..Mrs. Schuester. Emma Schuester. It rolls of your tongue easily and you're embarrassed to admit that you may have doodled the name on your appointment calendar a few times since you started dating Will. You're wondering if Will knows what the kids are up to, but since he hasn't mentioned it, you think he may not. You think about mentioning it to him over dinner, but you don't want him to think that you are fishing for a proposal. Even though you talked about getting married someday, the two of you haven't officially been together all that long. You know you want to be Will's wife, that he wants to marry you someday but it's too soon. You don't want to rush this, to make him think that you aren't happy. Your relationship is perfect the way it is….for now. You work together, live together and share your lives. Marriage will come. Someday.
What you don't realize is that someday is sooner than you thought. When you stop by glee practice on your way out Brittany is quick to greet you and announce your presence. When she yells, "hey, Mrs. Schue" across the empty rows of chairs in the auditorium, the lively rehearsal comes to a grinding halt. Will looks stunned and the rest of the glee kids are embarrassed, looking anywhere but at you or Will.
Unfazed by her slip of the tongue, Brittany offers a quick apology and tells the two of you that they were just practicing for when you get married. Will smiles, his face flush with embarrassment and tells them that it's ok. He thinks it's great that they are so supportive of your relationship, and he jokes that you'd probably hyphenate. You lock eyes with him and tell him that no hyphen is necessary; Schuester is fine on its own. The girls giggle; they think the two of you are cute.
Brittany wants to know if this means that you're getting married now. You shake your head and tell her someday, maybe. Will looks over and asks what you would say if he proposed right now, if he got down on one knee and asked you to be his wife. You smile at his teasing and tell him that you'd say yes, that you'd love to be his wife someday.
He grins at you and reaches into his pockets. When he takes his hand out of his pocket he holds up a ring. A diamond ring. He tells you that he's been carrying it around for weeks, and you nod in understanding. You realize that he bought the ring after the pregnancy scare, after you talked about your future. You're speechless when he drops down to kneel in front of you. You start to cry and you hear a gasp from one of the girls. You can't believe this is happening. As Will looks up at you with a hopeful expression on his face, you think you are the luckiest woman in the world. The amazing man kneeling before you wants to marry you. The kids are watching the two of you, gazing back and forth from Will to you, eager for your response.
When you choke out a yes, they start screaming and clapping. Kurt and Rachel are squealing and jumping up and down as Will slides the platinum ring onto your finger. You take a moment to look at the ring on your left hand then you launch yourself into Will's arms and he spins you around. Rehearsal is forgotten as the girls gather around you to admire your ring and the boys congratulate Will. You are in a haze but you think you hear Puck say something about Will making an honest woman out of you. When the excitement dies down, the kids head home and you help Will pack up his stuff so that you can do the same. As you walk to the car hand in hand, you continue to admire your ring. You can't wait to get home and make love to your fiancé, to see if engaged sex is better than dating sex.
Later that night, snuggled in Will's arms you admire the way your ring catches the light coming in through the window. Will laughs softly as he watches you. He asks if you're happy, if the proposal was special enough. He tells you that he hadn't intended to do it that way, in front of the kids, but he got caught up in the moment. You loved it, you tell him and you're happy. You can't wait to be his wife. He reaches out and tucks your hair behind your ears. You're going to be a beautiful bride he says, his beautiful bride.
You smile and kiss him before moving to straddle his hips. He reaches up and runs his hand through your hair, tucking it behind your ear. He wants to know if he can come with you to look at dresses, to make sure that you can dance in them and to figure out which one will be the easiest to get you out of it on your wedding night. You giggle and playfully rock your hips against his as he tries to convince you that he needs to help you shop for your wedding dress. When you lower yourself onto him, you effectively silence his argument, his words lost as he meets you thrust for thrust. As your orgasm crashes through your body, you decide engaged sex is definitely better than dating sex.
You've heard that planning a wedding is supposed to be stressful, but so far everything has been smooth sailing for you and Will. Once you set the date everything just fell into place…reception hall, band, menu and invitations. The two of you decided to keep your wedding small. Will's already had the big wedding and although you haven't (your elopement with Carl technically didn't happen thanks to the annulment) you are uncomfortable with the idea of hundreds of eyes on you as you walk down the aisle. So a small intimate gathering of family and close friends is what the two of you planned. It's exactly the wedding you've always dreamed about. You're a little saddened by the thought that it isn't your first wedding, but you know it's the only wedding that matters.
While Will is at glee rehearsal you find yourself in the guest room digging in the closet for the black garment bag that holds your wedding dress. You pull it out of the closet and lay it on the bed. Carefully you unzip the bag and finger the material hidden inside. Without hesitation you slide your work clothes from your body and step into the dress. It takes some careful maneuvering, but you manage to zip yourself up. You straighten the skirt and run your hands over the bodice before you step in front of the mirror. Smiling at your reflection you twist your hair and clip it up. You look good; you'd even say that you look beautiful. You know that you feel beautiful, like Audrey Hepburn and you can't wait for Will to see you in the dress you've chosen.
As you twirl in front of the mirror, you remember back to another dress. The dress that you were wearing the first time Will told you that you were beautiful. When you first went dress shopping with your mom you told her you wanted a dress similar to the one you bought for your aborted wedding to Ken Tanaka. She was against the idea at first, but when you explained how Will reacted when he saw you in that dress, she smiled with understanding and helped you find the dress that you are wearing right now. A dress that is more perfect, more beautiful than the first. The dress that you will wear when you become Mrs. William Schuester.
You stand in front of the mirror mesmerized by your reflection. You've been trying the dress on every chance you get, every time Will is out of the apartment for a few hours. You can't help it, you're excited and in a few weeks you will be married. You twirl around again and watch in awe as your skirt flares out. You catch a glimpse at the time and sigh, Will will be home soon. You reach for the zipper and pull it down. You need to get out of the dress; you don't want to get caught. You can't wait to see Will's reaction when you walk down the aisle. You're just tucking the dress back into the garment bag when you hear your name. Will's home. You gently hang the dress back in the closet and rearrange the clothes hanging there to camouflage your secret. Will has no idea your dress is in the apartment. He's been fishing for hints for weeks and you know that if he knew the dress was hanging just behind the winter clothes he wouldn't be able to resist taking a peek. When he calls your name again you shut the closet door and rush into the living room to greet him….your husband to be.
You're getting married. You're getting married. YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED! And you are driving everyone around you absolutely crazy. It's your wedding day and you are a giant ball of energy. You're having a hard time sitting still which is proving to be an annoyance for everyone around you. Your fidgeting almost cost you an eye when your sister in law poked you with the wand as she applied your waterproof mascara.
Your mom managed to calm you down with a heart to heart and a shot that you're pretty sure was whiskey. Now that you are in your dress and your hair and makeup is done, the nervous energy has dissipated and butterflies have taken up residence in your stomach. You're nervous and pretty sure you're going to puke and ruin your dress. Your dad notices your look of absolute terror and takes you aside quietly. He gives you a pep talk of sorts, the kind only a dad can give. He loves you, he says and he knows that you'll be in good hands. You smile, the butterflies in your stomach have settled a bit and calmness spreads through you. You're ready. You take your dad's arm and make your way to the limousine waiting to take you to Will.
This is the best day of your life. Your wedding is everything you imagined it to be. The ceremony is beautiful and Will managed manages to reduce you to tears when he recites his vows and promises to spend every day proving to you that giving him another chance was not a mistake. Choking back a sob, you tell him that loving him was never a mistake, that you'd never love anyone else, just him, always him.
You're exhausted. The energy that coursed through your veins earlier in the day has long sense been zapped. You're leaning against your husband watching as the guests on the dance floor sway to the music. Will wraps his arm around your waist and kisses you on the forehead. He asks if you're ok. You smile and kiss him sweetly on the lips. You're more than ok you tell him….you're his wife. He grins at you and kisses you again. When he pulls away he rests his forehead against yours and tells you he loves you.
You're saying goodbye as guests start to clear the dance floor and head home. Will watches proudly as you hug and kiss friends and family as they wish you all the happiness in the world. You're kind of proud of yourself too; you don't remember the last time you touched this many people without sanitizing yourself a billion times.
When the glee kids come over to say goodnight you thank them for singing. They all smile proudly, they were happy to do it. Before the leave they tell you that they want to give you something. When Will thanks them, Finn smiles and tells him the present isn't for him it's just for you, Mrs. Schue. Will pouts playfully but looks intrigued and you can't help but grin as Kurt hands you a long thin box. It looks like a jewelry box, perhaps a necklace. You look up and make eye contact with Will and he shrugs, he has no idea either.
You carefully unwrap the gift and open the box to reveal a name plate. For your office, Finn tells you. You look down at the name engraved in the metal…..Mrs. Emma Schuester, and your heart skips a beat. No hyphen, just like you said you wanted, announces Rachel proudly. You love it, you tell them. And you love them.
After hugging the kids and asking them to drive safely, you and Will make your way to the elevator to go upstairs to your hotel room. Although you were exhausted a few minutes ago, as soon as you step out of the elevator on the sixth floor you feel energized. Will sweeps you into his arms and carries you over the threshold. He deposits you back on your feet on the other side of the door and true to his word he has your wedding dress pooled at your feet in thirty seconds flat. You in turn make quick work of his shirt and pants; you're just as eager as he is to the wedding night festivities under way.
You slide out of bed, careful not to wake your husband. The thought of Will as your husband makes you giddy all over again and you smile at his sleeping form. The two of you made love twice before you succumbed to the exhaustion of the day and Will is out cold. You really wore him out! But now you're awake, you can't sleep. You're too excited. You wrap yourself in Will's discarded shirt and contemplate the events of the day. The ceremony was beautiful and the reception was fun. But it's what happened behind closed doors that has you tingling with anticipation. Tonight is the night you started planning for the future. For the first time since you began your intimate relationship with Will, you'd made love with the intention of getting pregnant. You'd stopped taking the pill weeks ago and tonight marked the first time Will hadn't worn a condom. You're trying to make a baby and the idea of it has you wide awake. You know that it is highly unlikely that you will conceive tonight, but you're looking forward to trying.
Will finds you curled up on the couch an hour later. You're lost in your thoughts so you don't hear him approach until he presses a kiss to your neck. He joins you on the couch and pulls your legs into his lap. He asks you why you're up and you tell him that you couldn't sleep. He reaches over and takes the name plate the glee kids had given you from your hand. He runs his fingers over the letters etched into the metal that spell your name….your new name.
The two of you sit in silence for a few minutes, enjoying being in the presence of each other. You reach over and slide the name plate from his grasp and hold it up. This is who you always wanted to be, you tell him. He kisses you and pushes you down onto the cushions of the couch. He unbuttons the tuxedo shirt that you are wearing and kisses his way from your mouth to your navel. You reach for his boxers and push them from his body. I love you, Emma Schuester, he whispers into your ear just before he slips inside of you. And he does.
Six weeks later you're waiting for Will to come back from his morning run, positive pregnancy test in hand. When he opens the door you launch yourself at him not caring about the sweat stains on his t-shirt. We did it, you whisper as you hug him as tightly as possible. He's confused at first but when he sees the pregnancy test in your hand you see the realization spread across his face. He's going to be a daddy! He twirls you around, telling you how much he loves you, how happy he is with the life that the two of you have made with each other.
When your feet return to the ground you pull him into the bathroom and peel his sweaty clothes from his body. After adjusting the temperature of the water, you step into the shower and pull him in behind you. As you lather each other up, you talk about calling your parents, his parents, making doctor's appointments and names. He tells you that he love you, over and over again. You tell him that you love him too, that you're so happy you can give him the family he deserves. He kisses you and presses you against the shower wall. He pulls away for a moment and smiles at you. He slides his hands down over your hips, to your hips and gently lifts you anchoring you between the wall of the shower and his body. He presses kisses to your jaw and whispers that there will be plenty of time to talk later, that right now he wants to make love to his wife. His pregnant wife.
And right now you are exactly where you want to be.