Continuation of 'The Winner Takes It All'

Show Me Heaven: Chapter One

ARIZONA'S POV

Eight months later…

"Arizona!" Startled from my morning thoughts, I glance towards the staircase and find Jess watching me. "You really should leave soon."

"I know." I give her a nod, followed by a smile. "Just finishing my coffee and then I'll get gone." My gaze returning to the newspaper in front of me, I hear my friend sigh and I roll my eyes. "You're not my mother, Jess."

"Thank god." She breathes out. "I'm outta here." Shrugging on her jacket, I watch her approach the door and our usual daily routine begins. She leaves for her studio and I leave to do whatever the hell it is I'm doing each day. Today is therapy and then I'm headed to Dani's bar. We've grown closer since I split from Eliza and I generally hang out there most evenings. It's nothing serious between us but her company has been good. There may or may not be a little sex involved but we both agreed that it would be no strings. We both agreed that we are just as messed up as each other and friends with benefits is how it stays. How it always was. We're pretty similar in our personalities so our evenings are usually filled with checking out women, followed by me leaving alone. I may enjoy Dani's company but that is where it ends. Its where it ends with all women. I'll dance and I'll flirt, but Eliza taught me that I didn't need to sleep around to feel good about myself. Therapy has only reinforced that for me and now I'm feeling better than I ever have. I'm feeling even better than I did when Eliza was in my life.

Not because she didn't make me feel good, but because my ex-wife was always in the back of my mind. She always cropped up somewhere along the way and I think that may have been one of my problems. I was always comparing my then fiancé to Jenny. Every situation was a comparison, including the one that ended us. In my heart, I knew Eliza was nothing like Jenny but I couldn't see reason in that moment. When I was packing up my shit, I couldn't see any other way to work through it. All I could feel was the hurt that I'd become accustomed to, and that was that. Tunnel vision. I still don't like what she did to me, but I also understand that it was nothing like Jenny and I. Eliza will never be anything like Jenny. No matter how much she hurts me, Eliza could never even begin to compare to Jenny. My ex-wife was pure evil. Eliza was scared. Eliza didn't realize what was happening in that moment. I get that now, but it hasn't really changed anything. We're still living separate lives.

I've enjoyed the single life. I've enjoyed being myself without my usual ways coming into play. More than anything, I've enjoyed finding myself again. I'm so much more than I thought I was and that's exactly why I leave Dani's bar each evening alone. It's exactly why I've come to the conclusion that I don't need anything serious in my life. Sure, there have been a few one-night stands, but nothing that has made me feel even a hint of what I need. Nothing to the point where I'm drunk and I don't remember my own name. I've become so much more aware of my actions and how they affect people, so no…I didn't go back to my old ways and I know I never will.

I won't lie, it's been hard living without Eliza, but I made it. I pulled through so much better than I thought I would. I spent some time back home with my mom and now I'm sharing Jess' place with her. She's been great and she's kept her hands to herself but that's due to the fact that she knows I'm not attracted to her. She's gorgeous, but she isn't for me. Nobody is for me. I'm good exactly how I am and honestly, I'm not sure anyone could ever come close to my ex. Yeah, I've dated once or twice but again…dating isn't my thing. I sit there watching the woman I'm sharing my evening with and Eliza comes back to the forefront of my mind.

We've spoken on a handful of occasions since I left but we decided that it was best to keep contact to a minimum. It's just easier that way. She's moving forward and so am I. The last I heard, she had met someone but I don't like to know too much. There were a few occasions when I thought about calling and asking her out to dinner but I always stopped myself. I did so because I knew it wasn't healthy to keep thinking about her. I did so for my own sanity.

I'm the one who walked away and as much as I wanted to return, I knew I was in a bad place and I couldn't put her through that. She may have put her hands on me, but it wasn't as simple as I first thought. Nothing made sense and I simply had to leave. Maybe one day we will sit down together and share a drink, but she's happy and settled now so I'm not about to ruin that for her. I don't know what her new love is like and I don't want to know. So long as she makes my ex happy, I can continue how I am. I can live the carefree life I've been living and I can be content with that. I have to be. It's the only way I can function.

Grabbing my cell from the kitchen counter, I climb down from my stool and head for my jacket hanging by the front door. I'm spending the next couple of hours talking through my issues and I'm feeling good about it. I'm feeling like everything is as it should be, and I'm right where I belong. In this city. In this house. With the people I have around me. Today, I feel like I'm truly free without a single worry on my mind. Today…today is a good day. I can feel it. I can just sense it. Nobody is bringing me down, not even myself.

Settled in my seat at the bar, a strong beat plays out around me and I can see Dani watching me. I know she worries about me at times but she really has no reason to. I'm feeling good. Great, even. My session with my therapist went well and we discussed the possibility of ending them soon. Lessening them, at least. It was hard when I first started talking out my problems but I'm so glad I took that step. It made sense to do it when I did. Had I come to terms with my past before I met Eliza, we may have never ended. We may have figured everything out and tried again. I'd like to believe that I could have done that with her, but it wasn't what I needed in that moment. It wasn't what either of us needed. I know I'd have been a nervous wreck around her. I know I'd have only ended up hurting her with my reactions if she approached me or if a discussion got a little heated. What good would that have done for either of us? How could we have possibly lived like that? It's not healthy. It would've only destroyed us both, I know that. I hope she knows that, too.

Do I miss her? More than anything. Do I believe that we could ever reconcile and get back together? In this moment, yes I do. In this moment, I believe I can do anything I put my mind to. Can that happen, though? No. No, it can't. It isn't as simple as calling her up and asking her to join me for a drink. It isn't as simple as showing up at her door like she once suggested. Everything has changed and I'm not the same person I was eight months ago. Hell, I'm not even the person Eliza once fell in love with. I hope I'll never be that person again, but this is new for me. I'm still coming to terms with who I am now and to keep that going, I should remain alone. Of course, I don't want to be alone…but it's the right thing to do. It's the right thing for everyone involved.

"Hey!" Pulled from my thoughts when Dani drops down beside me, she nudges my knee and sits forward in her seat. "Looking hot tonight, Robbins."

"You know it." I throw her a wink.

"So, is this for me or are you meeting someone?" She narrows her eyes.

"Me…meeting someone?" I laugh. "Figured you knew me well enough by now, Dan."

"Ah…" She smirks. "It's for me, huh?"

"Maybe." I shrug. "Play your cards right and it might just be."

"Damn, you know how to keep me on my toes, Zo." She sighs. "How do you do it?"

"Do what?" I furrow my brow.

"Reel the women in…" She sits back in her seat and glances around the bar. "It's just effortless for you."

"Not anymore." I disagree. "You know I'm not into that these days."

"So, I'm the exception." She has a look of pride in her eyes. "Makes me feel kinda special, I won't lie."

"You and I are just…you and I." I know she gets it, but I have to remind her sometimes that we're not together. I have to remind her that this is simply an arrangement when we both want a little something to take the edge off."You know that, Dani."

"A girl can try, Zo." She rolls her eyes. "Give me a shout if you want a refill."

"Sure." Watching as my friend come sex buddy stands and leaves, I sink down in my seat a little and run my fingers through my hair. Maybe I should call this off with Dani. Maybe I should just give her the whole 'thanks but no thanks' speech. I don't know. It has been good having her by my side when I've needed to talk or let off steam, but I'm not sure it's going to fix my problems. I'm not sure it will ever truly make me happy. How can it? She's not my girlfriend. She's not going to ever become that because we are far too similar. We are way too alike and we would clash. We both know that.

Glancing back, I find her watching me still but I don't know what to make of it. I suspect I've allowed it to go too far, but I thought she knew what we were. She DOES know what we are. It's never been a secret that this is just some fun. Like it was all that time ago when we used to play games and try to bag the best woman in the bar. We were nothing back then and now is no different. I want her in my life as a friend, I know that much. I just hope I haven't ruined that between us. I mean, we don't climb into bed together often, but when we do…it's intense. It's not Eliza intense, but it certainly does the job for me.

Returning my eyes to the crowd in front of me, the music around me slows and it's calming. I've completely changed my taste in music over the last few months to help with my mood and this playing right now is totally my thing. It's soft. Relaxing. Gives you a moment to breathe and just be. Yeah, I'm feeling this one. Smiling as the couples around me slow it down a little, I release a slight sigh and watch on in delight.

There you go

Flashing fever from your eyes

Hey baby, come over here and shut them tight

I'm not denying

We're flying above it all

Hold my hand, don't let me fall

You've such amazing grace

I've never felt this way

Oh, show me heaven

Cover me

Leave me breathless

Oh, show me heaven, please

Here I go

I'm shaking just like the breeze

Hey baby, I need your hand to steady me

I'm not denying

I'm frightened as much as you

Though I'm barely touching you

I've shivers down my spine

And it feels divine

Oh, show me heaven

Cover me

Leave me breathless

Oh, show me heaven, please

If you know what it's like

To dream a dream

Baby, hold me tight and let this be, oh

Heaven

Cover me

Leave me breathless

Oh, show me heaven, please

"Oh god." Sitting forward in my seat, tears gather on my jawline and my eyes close, causing more to fall. That song. That voice. Shit. It's Eliza. It's the woman who wrote that song for me. The song I thought about whenever I was feeling down. The song that saved my relationship before it ultimately ended. The song that made me feel more than I thought I was when we were discussing our marriage and my determination to not give in to what she wanted for us. It's everything to me and its just been playing in the bar. It's just been playing but I don't understand how. Eliza doesn't record. She doesn't sing. She did for me once but she told me that it's not her thing. She writes, she doesn't sing. That was definitely her voice. I'd put my life on it.

Standing, I grab my drink and approach the bar. Dani is looking at me with complete confusion and I guess I should explain myself. I mean, I'm standing in front of her with a tear stained face so yeah…she wants to know what is going on. "T-That song…" I pull her to one side and out of earshot of her customers. "Where did you get it?"

"It's just a new playlist that was recommended to me." She shrugs. "Why?"

"But where did you get it?" I ask again. "From who?"

"A streaming service." She furrows her brow. "I mean, it's alright but I wouldn't say it was worth crying about." And that is where we are different. How can she not be moved by that song? Those lyrics? The pure love in every word…

"I have to go." I drop my gaze.

"I thought you were spending the night?" She grips my wrist. "I thought we were locking up and heading upstairs together?"

"I'm not feeling too good." I shake my head. "I need to go home and sleep."

"Maybe tomorrow?" She raises her eyebrow.

"I'll call you, okay?" Giving me a nod, I grab my jacket from the back of the seat it's been hanging from and head through the crowd. I just need a moment to myself and I'll be okay. If I work on the techniques my therapist has suggested to me, I'll be just fine. Like I have been for the past eight months. I know I'll never forget about Eliza, but that song has just brought back a world of feelings. Feelings I didn't think existed anymore. This isn't good. No good could ever possibly come from this. I feel like I should congratulate her for the incredible track she has recorded, but we aren't in that place anymore. We aren't in a place where we can randomly text or call each other to say hi or to discuss the day we've shared. I wish we could be those people, but it's too hard. Life without her has been too hard at times but I'm coping. I'm managing.

Deciding that I should get home and sleep, I pick up my pace a little and head down the street. Jess only lives five minutes from the bar and I'll be back there in no time at all. Providing nothing stops me on the way, I'll be safely locked up within the next five minutes and thinking about what's happened tonight. You can't call her. She's involved. Maybe that song no longer belongs to me. Maybe it's being shared with the world for another woman's ears. Another woman's heart to pound at the sound of it. Someone she truly loves. Someone who isn't me. Damn it. I've spent at least six months wondering if I made the right decision in leaving and to this day…I have no answer to my own question. I'm not sure I'll ever have an answer for it.

What's done is done. Another motto of mine that I've lived by recently. It broke my heart watching Eliza as I pulled away from her place for the final time, but it was the right decision. I mean, look at me now? I'm doing so good. Better than ever. Jenny doesn't even cross my mind anymore and that can only be a good thing. Eliza, however, she's on my mind every minute of the day. I try to block it out but it doesn't work. The more I block it out, the more I think about her. The more I think about her, the more I think about what could've been.

You let her go for the right reasons, Arizona. You know that…

Thanks for reading, guys. You know what to do…