Inuyasha of the Rings

Author: Fireness

Beta: None

Characters: Pretty much everyone.

Rating: FRC (one swear word)

Warning(s): Crack, crossover, mild swearing, OoCness

Spoilers: None for Inuyasha – almost the entire series for Lord of the Rings

Summary: Kagome has been studying too hard for her Literature class

Word Count: 1187

Author's Notes: It was just too amusing for me not to write. My apologies to my Criminal Minds readers…more Reid and Morgan goodness to come, as soon as I stop beating myself over the head for merely thinking this.

Disclaimer: Anything you recognize is not mine, whether it is a creation of Rumiko Takahashi or J.R.R. Tolkien.

Kagome surveyed the eight individuals surrounding her, sizing each one of them up. Yes, this would do. It would have to. She stood up. "I am very much honoured to have your companionship on what is bound to be a long and arduous journey in an attempt to defeat the most evil being this earth has ever seen. It will be hard, but if we all work together, we will hopefully prevail."

Shippou looked at her. "How exactly are we supposed to do that?"

"Well, in theory it's very simple. The hard part will be actually doing it. All we have to do is take the Ring of Power to the city of Mordor and throw it into the fiery pit of Mount Orodruin, where it was originally made."

There was a short pause as her comrades all stared at her in bewilderment. "You mean the jewel, right?" Miraku asked. "Not 'Ring of Power?'"

"Eh?"

"Ya know, the Shikon no Tama?" Inuyasha said. "And we're sure as hell not gonna destroy it!"

"What? But you were the one who told me we had to destroy it in the first place, Gandalf! Look, see, I have it here on this chain." She pulled it from out of her shirt. "See? A ring, not a jewel."

"Did you just call me 'Gandalf?'"

"Well, that is your name. Gandalf the Grey."

"Wait, so who is the evil being we're supposed to be defeating?" Kouga asked. "Not Naraku?"

Kagome stared at him, confused. "Of course not; it's Sauron."

A bored voice piped up. "Why is This Sesshoumaru even here?"

"As a representative of Elves. Were you even paying attention during the meeting?"

"This Sesshoumaru does not have time for this nonsense." He turned to leave.

"Wait!" Kagome cried. "We can't complete the quest without you! We need a total of nine people to defeat Sauron."

"That is of no concern to This Sesshoumaru. Come, Jaken."

"You guys can't leave, and you certainly can't leave together. Dwarves and Elves hate each other."

Miroku shook his head. "There's no way this group could possibly defeat Nara- er, Sauron. We don't have nearly enough girls."

"What do you mean? Boromir and I are both girls," Kagome said, pointing to Kikyou and herself in turn.

"Which brings up the point: why am I here?" Kikyou interjected.

"And where's Sango?" Shippou added.

"Wait, I've got it!" Everyone turned to look at Miroku, including Sesshoumaru. He held in his hand a thick paperback book. "The answers are in here."

"The Lord of the Rings?" Sesshoumaru scoffed. "Ridiculous."

"No, I'm sure…" He flipped through the pages, searching fervently for the right passage. "Ah, here it is. The nine members of the fellowship are Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin, all of whom are Hobbits. Easily distinguishable by their hairy feet." Glancing around. "I guess that would make Kagome, Kouga, Shippou, and Rin-chan the Hobbits?"

"Of course," Kagome said.

"Right. Okay, and then we have Gandalf; judging by the long grey beard, I'd say Inuyasha is taking that role… Wait, that doesn't make sense."

"What?"

"Well, Gandalf is supposed to be really wise."

"Baka," Inuyasha snapped, thumping Miroku on the head. Of course I should be Gandalf. Look." He snatched the book from the houshi's hands. "See here, Gandalf and Frodo are close friends, and he clearly knows a lot about the Ring, and – hey! I die!"

"But you get revived in the next book," Kagome offered.

Inuyasha was not listening. "And Frodo goes off by himself," he muttered, flipping to the end of the story. "Accompanied by….Sam." He looked at Miroku. "Which one did you say was Sam?"

"Uh, I believe that would be Kouga."

"No way!" He glowered at Kagome. "I wanna be Sam. Make me Sam, not that-"

"But Kouga wouldn't make a very good Gandalf."

"I don't care. I'll shave off this stupid beard and refuse to die. And I'll follow you, and kill that whelp to make sure he doesn't."

Kagome sighed. "Fine, you two can switch."

Kouga started to protest, but it was too late; he was suddenly sporting a long, shaggy grey beard and was much taller. Inuyasha, on the other hand, was much shorter and was staring at his hairy feet with a look of disgust.

Miroku raised his eyebrow. "Well, now that that's done, I should probably mention that back in the Hobbits' homeland, Sam is a gardener and Gandalf is a very powerful wizard."

"Eh?! Why didn't you say that before??"

"On the other hand," he hastily added, "Sam is very loyal to Frodo and sticks with him to the very end and Frodo trusts nobody by Sam. Moving on, we also have a Dwarf – Jaken – an Elf – Sesshoumaru – and two Men – myself and Kikyou. Kikyou dies at the end of The Fellowship of the Ring, and I get to become king of Gondor." He looked up. "And marry the beautiful Elf-maiden Arwen, who is actually Sango, correct?"

"No, Sango is the warrior maiden Eowyn. The woman you reject," Kagome informed him.

"Eh? Why can't she be both? Some of us are going to have to be dual roles, after all. I mean, who else could be Gollum but Jaken?"

"Eep, you're right. Nobody's quite as creepy and untrustworthy as Jaken."

"Hey!"

"This Sesshoumaru fails to see the connection between himself and this Elf."

"You're joking, right?"

"Quiet, you insignificant little Hobbit gardener."

"Hey, I may be a Hobbit, but I can still kick your ass!"

"Not if I use my magic to get you first!"

"Hey, watch out with that staff! Gandalf is supposed to protect the Hobbits, not threaten them."

"Rin is bored with this."

"Yeah, me too. Oooh, look, fireworks!"

"Kagome!"

"I told you, my name is Frodo!"

"Uh…what?"

Kagome blinked slowly. She was lying on the ground, surrounded by her friends; Kouga, Sesshoumaru, and his followers were nowhere to be seen. She glanced down at her lap where her book had landed when she fell asleep. The Lord of the Rings.

"Did you just call yourself Frodo?" Miroku asked, puzzled.

"I…" She felt more than a little disoriented. "I was having a very strange dream." She shook her head, picked up the book; she still had a few hundred pages to go. She groaned, resisting the urge to hurl the offending pages into the fire.

"What sort of strange dream?"

"Doesn't matter now…." Putting the book aside, she sighed. "I just can't wait until I'm finished with that book I have to read for class."

"Ah, I see." Miroku nodded. "After that book you'll be done?"

"No, after that book I still have one more I'll need to read."

"Oh? What's it called?"

"Eh? I forget…." She dug around in her backpack until she located her planner. "Ah, here it is. Next I have to read….oh, no…."

"Kagome?" He peered over her shoulder. "The Wizard of Oz?" Sounds really interesting. What's the matter?"

"Nothing, nothing," she muttered, struggling to suppress the image of the Wicked Sesshoumaru of the West shrieking "I'm melting, I'm melting" as a gleeful Cowardly Inuyasha threw water repeatedly on his shriveling frame.