Auntie Anko's Matchmaking Mojo (Beautiful Star Interlude Chapters 4&5)

Disclaimer: Don't own anything you recognize.

Warnings: language, Anko's matchmaking attempts, threats, (not betaed!)

This is an interlude detailing more of the failed dating attempts of Hoshimi (from my fanfiction Beautiful Star...). I wanted to write something nice and lighthearted, yet still somewhat explanatory to what is happening in the background. Just don't take this too seriously.

I hope you like this!
W

I - Prep Session I

In stark contrast to popular opinion, Anko had thought long and hard about who could be perfect for the little Star, to have her warmed up to the idea of dating and or getting laid. Hoshi-chan needed someone she could rely on, she could learn to trust with the boys' lives and her secrets. Someone that would keep her safe. Everything else would fall into place, Anko strongly believed. So she examined the available representatives of the male species around her, all of whom had to rank above genin:

Genma was out, he was too old and set in his ways for Hoshi-chan.

Raido was a closeted gay, so he flunked the basic test too.

Inoichi was happily married with a daughter, so a big, fate nope to him as well.

Ibiki might have been an option. If, you know, he wasn't a sadistic, suspicious bastard who enjoyed poking things with absolutely no regard to another person's feelings as long as his curiosity was peaked. So no.

Then there was Kakashi. Who knew what went on in that head of his? Better yet, who knew what was hidden under that mask? Anko could admit the guy was pretty nice to look at, from what one could actually see, his beautifully defined arms and legs were practically pure eye-candy, but he was also as mad as a monkey on hallucinogens. Besides, she didn't have any idea how she would have approached him about this project of hers. (Well, she did, but he probably would have refused out of sheer spite alone.)
On related matters: had Kakashi actually ever been in a relationship with someone before? If so, it had not reached Auntie Anko's ears yet. Something to consider at a later date.

Yamamoto was way too young. He might have had the maturity despite his age, but no.

The Eternal Gate Guards were still in the run though. Although that bandage-guy (she could never remember their names) was a bit strange. And Anko wasn't sure if they weren't hooking up behind the scenes. What in the world could have been that damn interesting to look at that those two volunteered for the horribly lame, boring Gate Duty? Unless they wanted to have some fun under the table...?!

Ebisu... Admittedly, Ebisu was a bit - weird (who in the names of all the Kami actually freely shared with others he liked to do paperwork?!). Yet he was relatively nice to look at and liked to work with kids. So a maybe on him.

Asuma was definitely out. A) he was still gone being a boring-ass Daimyō-watchdog, thus out of reach, and b) Nai-chan had already gotten her claws into him. No matter how often or vehemently she had protested in the past, Auntie Anko knew best! Those blushes only proved Anko right. Right?

Then there was Gai. The less said about that, the better. Anko wasn't getting paid enough to afford the intensive therapy necessary for Hoshi-chan and herself. So a hell no to Gai. As a lover...

Great. Now she had gotten herself stuck with that pretty mental image. Wonderful.

II - Set-Up of Candidate 25, Attempt I

Auntie Anko's Matchmaking Mojo wasn't really flowing all that swiftly or freely. Yet. So, Anko resorted to her favorite tried and tested methods of convincing fellow nin to do themselves (and her, coincidentally) a favor: creative threats of temporary maiming and or their mothers, while swinging around sharp and pointy objects in a vaguely dangerous way.
Which led to her sitting astride a Chūnin with brunette hair and a horizontal scar going over his nose, in the middle of his empty classroom. The brunette actually had already refused two invitations to the Jōnin Exam (a birdie from the Intelligence-sector had twittered that juicy info to Anko) and was apparently quite happy being a mere teaching assistant at the Academy. His only ambition was to become a full teacher.
It took a special kind of crazy to want that, but they all had their tics and vices. Thus, the guy was obviously perfect for the most important blind date Anko had arranged for anyone. Ever. (Also hopefully finally one that would take place.) Because this Dolphin clearly liked interaction with annoying, loudmouthed, arrogant brats who had no idea what life as a shinobi really entailed.

But whatever. She was getting off track.

The poor man was blushing and spluttering in embarrassment, unsure where to look and what to do with his hands. She had observed him for several days now, whenever she wasn't at work or at Hoshimi's place, and discovered Umino Iruka was a closet-pervert, a prime example for the genuinely nice-guy from next door-type and around Hoshimi's age. He also was a Kyuubi-orphan, but he'd probably not condemn Naruto if he'd ever see the brat with Tadao-chan. At least, he wasn't one of those nutty idiots who couldn't help but glare icily at Naruto when they met in the streets.

"You're Umino Iruka, Chūnin, Assistant Teacher at the Ninja Academy?" Anko asked extra cheerfully, just to be certain she had tackled the right male. You never knew. Besides, this was a serious matter. For a friend. So there. Auntie Anko could do fucking serious.

The brunette shinobi spluttered some more, unable to utter a sound through his rapidly opening and closing mouth. Mainly because she had a hand in it. (Sometimes it really paid off to be friends with a Genjutsu mistress.) Anko took that as a respectful 'yes, ma'am' and proceeded as planned.

Holding a nice, sharp, glinting-strangely-in-the-sunlight dango skewer to his throat, the T&I kunoichi continued in a dangerously saccharine tone: "If you know what's good for you, you'll be at Ichiraku's Ramen Bar at seven tomorrow night. No excuses! And you better wear something nice, understood? My civilian friend will meet you there for a bowl of Ramen. Treat her right or suffer the consequences!" With a stunned, startled nod the shinobi conceded to her strongly-worded requests. Anko grinned with smug satisfaction. This worked every single time.
Then she climbed off the speechless guy - he had a nice set of abs by the feel of his stomach, go her taste! - and tapped his nose playfully with the dango skewer just to reinforce the threat.

Auntie Anko was back in business.

III - Candidate 25, Blind Date I

Anko settled down on the roof of the building across from Ichiruka's, with a perfect view of the two (potential) lovebirds. She made herself comfortable, picking up one of the fresh skewers of dango. Next to the purple-haired kunoichi, Kurenai followed her example, albeit taking out homemade green tea mochi from a box previously hidden somewhere on her person.

"So, he actually showed up?" The raven-haired woman asked, mildly surprised.

In response, Anko smirked slyly. "Umino better have! That's Candidate 25! I was almost getting a bit desperate, ya know? Strange, I thought he might have gotten sent out on a mission or to the hospital, but whoever did that all those other times apparently hasn't caught wind of this one yet." Then she shrugged, turning back to her other friend in the ramen bar. "But I do wonder who is responsible for that..."

Kurenai shrugged. "Hoshi-chan mentioned she had shinobi-admirers."

"Pfft! Auntie Anko's Matchmaking Mojo triumphs at last!"

Kurenai just stared at her so-called best friend. "Really? 'Auntie Anko's Matchmaking Mojo'? Really?"

"Oh, shut up. You know I'm awesome. I wanna hear what they're saying!"

~ at Ichiraku's ~

Hoshimi relaxed a bit into her seat. She still had this strange prickling feeling of being watched, but she could shove that aside. Anko had finally managed to get one of those quote 'super studs' unquote to actually show their face for this blind date thing.
Umino Iruka was a little awkward in the beginning, but nice enough. Their date had started with Hoshimi stating immediately upon him seating himself: "I'm a single woman raising two orphaned brats. If you have problems with either of them, you can leave right away."

He had stayed, mildly surprised, but then ordered a bowl of pork ramen. Naruto would probably like him simply for sharing his preferred broth. "I've no problems with kids, I'm an Assistant Teacher at the Academy. It's a great job," the brunette had then explained. He had also went off on a tangent about the administration where he apparently also worked at and Hoshimi was painfully reminded of her bushy-haired best friend.

Thirty minutes into their date, she looked at him and he at her. Then the shinobi laughed quietly and said: "I like you so far, Aota-san. You're a nice person. But I don't think there will ever be something between us, romantically speaking. So, friends?"

Hoshimi laughed in relief, accepting his hand for a shake. "Thank the gods! Friends sounds much better. You kind of remind me a little too much of my sister, just please don't take this the wrong way. She was awesome."

He chuckled and the air between them felt so much lighter, all the tension leaving them. "So, what did Mitarashi-san do to you to get you here?"

~ on the roof ~

Anko cried tears of dismay. How could this have happened? She had calculated everything down to the last detail and this guy was supposed to have been absolutely perfect for Hoshi-chan! He was nice, he liked kids and he looked kind of hot!

Kurenai sighed, resignedly patting her friend's shoulder in commiseration. "Well, at least Hoshi-chan might gain a new friend out of this..."

IV - Discovery (or: What Happened to Candidate 30)

Anko had just decided to check in on Ebisu, her latest victim..., er, prospective boyfriend material for Hoshi-chan, when she saw two shinobi instead of one talking at the dango bar that Ebisu irregularly frequented. She recognized the unique gray hair of Hatake Kakashi from afar. Curious, Anko concealed her presence and cheerfully acted as if nothing was out of the ordinary, just buying a new supply of her favorite treat.

While waiting in line, this was the only place she respected the proprietor's rules, Anko managed to catch part of the shinobi's conversation. "...and do you feel comfortable being around Uzumaki Naruto?" Kakashi's amazingly deep baritone asked seriously, an underlying hint of something edging his seemingly bored voice.
Anko was startled to realize that the Copy-nin had not taken out his by now already infamous reading material.

Ebisu twitched strangely in his seat, but didn't say anything in response. That's when Anko discovered that the already legendary, silver-haired shinobi's hands couldn't be seen above the tabletop. An unbidden shiver ran down her spine as the Copy-nin coldly continued: "I see." The edge in his voice grew more noticeable. "In that case, I suggest that you decline any dates with Aota-san in the future. Neither she nor her kids deserve your vitriol or being forced to endure your prejudice."
There was something in the air, thickening the tension subtly, but it wasn't Killing Intent. Something that seemed to be pure Intent, and it made the fine hairs on Anko's arms and neck stand up unbidden.

Hatake Kakashi was crazy dangerous, a prodigy, a master assassin, and, according to rumors in the T&I-department, ANBU-captain. He had survived the Third World War's front lines mostly intact (discounting the replaced left eye), the Kyuubi-Attack, the following year, and his lengthy tenure as an ANBU. In short, Hatake Kakashi was a talented bastard, genius of a long-line of impressive warriors, but it had never been as apparent as in that moment, half-hidden in Anko's favorite dango bar.

"If you still insist on ruining Aota-san's day - because you repeating the village-wide opinions of Uzumaki Naruto will inevitably do just that -, I will be happy to show you exactly why you're better off teaching the brat of Sandaime-sama's firstborn. Are we understood?"

Ebisu nodded stiffly. Kakashi cocked his head to the side, but Anko couldn't see if he was doing an eye-smile or not. His performance still caused shivers to run down her spine. It was crazy.

"Very well. Have fun." Then the Copy-nin vanished to places unknown.

Anko wasn't feeling particularly inclined to follow after him. At least, she now knew who had been responsible for the previous embarrassing "accidents", sudden missions, and almost polite 'no, thanks'. But why in the world would Hatake Kakashi dabble in her business? Or rather, Hoshi-chan's business?

Auntie Anko's Matchmaking Mojo Radar was tingling dangerously.