Raphael had been sat on the couch after be had nearly gotten his head sliced clean off through the gap in the cage that enclosed Leonardo. Leonardo… was it even his brother anymore? He had been told by Splinter, Carter, and Donatello it was. It still held Leonardo's soul and body; it's just that the body and mind had been forced into an animal like state where bloodlust was it's number one goal. He had believed them for the first few minutes of hearing them out, but after five minutes to himself…
Raphael looked around there living room and noticed Michelangelo was long gone from the last place he'd seen him. That guy never could stay still, and this stressful situation wasn't helping him or the group as a whole. With Leonardo mutated into a god-knows-what monster, Donatello analyzing all the things that could've went wrong, Carter making to help but ultimately having to go home to sleep for tomorrow, and Master Splinter refusing sleep for meditation at this ungodly hour…
Yeah, Raphael could see why Michelangelo seemed to skidaddle away for a movie or whatever.
He himself wasn't any better; sitting in the living area with a spare mask of Leonardo's between his fingers as he stared into space. He knew past Raphael's would laugh at his behaviour and older Raphael's pity him, but he just… he just couldn't process this with his whole heart.
They had always gone against a monsters every now and again, sometimes even back-to-back in the same day. Shredder, Krang, Bebop, and Rocksteady were always a returning "enemy/monster of the week" factor by either bring a monster here or causing some trouble themselves. Heck, even the turtles themselves had been an enemy of the week either on accident or by chance. Raphael can remember Irma being a giant and being a national threat to the military. Donatello had even been a giant as he took down a King Kong impersonator…
Raphael's face scrunched up. He'd never actually looked at their adventures as a whole… man were they weird in perspective.
He rubbed the blue fabric in between his middle digit and thumb, staring at it still in deep thought. After that whole mental fiasco he pulled on himself with Leonardo's Monster he had… let's call it "regrets". He had regrets about what he pulled. He had gone in alone and nearly gotten his head and arm chopped off by the caged turtle. And he was still so conflicted…
They had told him Leonardo's soul was still in there. But after that monsters acts? He couldn't really tell. The beast had responded so carefully, so precise, to his questions and Raphael had no clue what to believe anymore. He brain was a monster but the soul was his brother… Which one was the true Leonardo now?
Raphael pondered that last question over and over as he leaned forward to hunch himself over the bandana he had in hand. He wasn't tired yet, so he told himself he'd go to bed in an hour…
For now… for now? He had to think this out.
An hour did not pass when he was shaken back to reality. Apparently it had been two hours he'd been inside his head.
He looked up at the miserable looking purple banded turtle who had a mug of coffee above him. He rubbed at his eyes and looked at the very dim sewer lair around him, seeing that he probably didn't sit him here for just an hour .
"What time is it?" Raphael said as he felt a headache coming on. His fingers loosely intertwined with the bandana in his hand.
"1:47 a.m.," Donatello mumbled as he walked around the couch to head back into his lab where some howling could be heard. "And you've been thinking for about 2 hours or more or something…"
"' 'Or something ', Donatello, are you doing okay?" Raphael said as he looked at the retreating turtles shell.
"I'm…" Donatello raises his legs as he passes out of the living areas sewer tunnels and into the "hallway" of his lab. "Fine. Let's leave it at that."
As the turtle disappeared into the room and it's dim light, Raphael looked around at his surroundings. All electronics that weren't being used to not leave Raphael in the dark were completely shut off and that made Raphael rise to his feet. His legs were slightly numb from resting without relaxing the muscles for about 2 hours. He walked about the room and peeked into the dojo and saw Splinter had long gone to bed. He pulled away and made his way into the turtles shared "room" and heard a distinct lack of sleeping on Michelangelo's part. No snoring, no tossing and turning, and no music blasting through his headphones that fell on the floor because he hadn't taken them off before bed.
Raphael pulled out of the dark room and looked around. Splinter hidden away to sleep, Donatello was tinkering at whatever he needed to, and Michelangelo was missing. This was…
He turned to Donatello's lab and slowly made his way there with no hindrance of movement. He felt like a machine… well, a machine that was running on fumes.
He didn't even get into the doorway when Donatello called up from his console. "Don't try another stunt like that again. I just got him calmed down enough to ignore me. His thrashing and growling were getting on everyone's nerves…" That last part was more to himself, Raphael could tell.
"Well, Donatello, he's a big monster so I think thrashing and growling is normal." Raphael said and put his hands on his hips as he looked at the suddenly bespeckled turtle.
Donatello had placed a pair of goggles thats lenses had flashed blue when they were officially on his brain. He looked around the room a bit and then looked straight at Raphael. "You know perfectly why he was going berserk tonight."
Raphael crossed his arms and let oit a sigh. "I do. And I'm sorry."
"No real harm done." Donatello said after a few seconds, still fact-to-face with Raph. "This time. If you want to see Leonardo, all you have to do is ask me. I'll make the necessary preparation to see and view him safely without - What are you staring at?"
Raph felt confusion roll off Donnie as Raphael himself probably had humor rolling off his aura. He let out a smirk and shrugged his folded arms. "I don't know, why don't you tell me. Your the one with bug eyes."
Donatello sighed, pulled up his chair to fully sit at the console, and looked at the small crystal on it's surface. "Haha, Raphael."
"Seriously, you know I can't take you serious with those on your face." Raph said and pointed at the large, three ring goggles. "From the side, you have silver cylinders for eyes."
"I know, you and Michelangelo point out the flaws in my appearance all the time." Donatello scoffed and let the computer inside the goggles feed him information from it's lense.
Raphael felt it. From humor to hostility, Raphael felt his brothers late night persona ruin the good mood. Maybe. He he even made Donatello comfortable being in here? Had he made Donatello mad without taking it into consideration?
"Woah, where did that come from?" Raphael said and held his stance in the doorway.
"I don't know, what's wrong with my goggles?" Donatello said begrudgingly.
Raphael didn't move a muscle except to talk. "... Nothing."
After a few seconds of clicking and whirring from the alien processor in the goggles, Donatello started to slowly shake his head. Eventually, his small shaking turned his full blown refusal shakes. After a few seconds of that, he pulled the goggles off and slammed them on the desk. Nothing broken, but the whole table jumped. He slowly blinked before putting his head in his hands. He let out a sad, long moan as he sat at the desk. He moved no further then that after it on his own, he just sat there to let his frustrations run wild.
"Donatello, you okay?" Raph asked as he stepped closer to the genius turtle. The looked at the turtles posture as he stepped up behind him. His shoulders weren't shaking and he wasn't gasping for air, that knocks off crying. He wasn't clawing at anything he had in his hands, so it wasn't anxiety. "Donatello?"
"I can't figure it out…" He moaned with his face covered. "I can't figure out what happened…"
"What?" Raphael asked as he put an arm over the his brothers shoulder.
"I…" He looked up at Raphael's eyes mournfully. He spoke softly. "I can't figure out how to reverse it."
"Don't talk like that, that's just stress and coffee talking. We might need to cut you back if it helps any." Raphael said and patted his shoulder.
"No! I literally mean, I can't figure out any other way to fix him." Donatello's voice raised a lot from his sad whispers, and it hurt Raphael's ears since he was right next to him. "The crystal has a chunk missing, and with that piece it took a large router like area that messed up the transfusion power that stabilized our mutations. A large fundamental part of the crystals makeup was tampered with and… ! It's just not possible!"
Raphael wasn't a genius, but even Michelangelo could make sense of this. A chunk was taken out, that chunk took power from the main crystal, and Leonardo suffered for it. Hopefully he got that as right as he could, or he'd feel like an idiot.
"Donnie, why don't we just… get a new piece, or patch it up? It's an energy source, first and foremost right? So… can we give it back it's energy?" Raphael asked. "Energy can never just… vanish, Donatello."
"I know that!" He snapped and Raphael really had to pull away or he'd get a headache. "And we can't. Maybe we could steal a new one from Dregg if he loots an abandoned station or something!" He was in hysterics.
"Donatello, I think… I think you just need to rest." Raphael said and pressed the turtles chest gently, hoping his brother would follow his motion willingly. "Michelangelo is still out but Splinter's asleep so… I have to assume that it's at least 10 pm."
"12:09 am and I'm fine." Donatello said and moved away. "Leonardo isn't fine, though."
"Your not fine, I can tell." Raphael said as he watched his brother withdraw away and sit at the end of the console.
"Oh yeah?" Donatello challenged. "How am I not fine?"
"Firstly, even you don't stay up till 3 am each day for a week. You may do it once or twice a week but you never protest to us insisting you go to sleep after we caught you." Raphael said and looked at his brother sincerely, hoping to edge his brother out of his funk. "Secondly, I can basically see the guilt eating at you on the inside. I feel it too."
"I don't feel guilty!" Donatello's temper flared up again. He didn't hit anything this time but his face did grow more sour than angry.
"Then, how - ?" Raphael was cut off.
"How do I actually feel? Stupid. Down right idiotic. I can't figure out how to fix this… I can't fix…" He put his head in his hands again. "I don't feel quilt. I can't."
That confused Raphael. Didn't... Donatello feel bad for doing this to Leonardo? It wasn't intentional, and there is no way that Donatello could have guessed this out of thin air. If he didn't feel guilt… what did he feel?
"Donatello…" Raphael tried to reach for him but the genius pulled away again.
"I can't feel guilt. Guilt means I admit I did this on purpose, that I allowed Leonardo to get harmed in the process willingly. It's a cold day in Hell before I admit that I wanted to harm him ." Donatello said into his hands. He sounded certain, yet he sounded broken.
Raphael pulled his hand away. That… that was unexpected, yet welcome. Raphael moved closer slowly, his arms slowly opening as well. He slowly engulfed the turtle by slipping his hand across the top of his brothers shell and made his other arm slip past him to meet the other one on Donatello's opposite shoulder. The genius shook a little bit in his arms. Was he crying now? Raphael couldn't tell.
"He… I… I didn't… He deserves so much better. He deserves nothing like this. No one does. Why did our mutations get so bad?" Donatello asked weakly. "From the first stage to the second, we improved if anything…"
"I don't know. I can't rightfully say." He whispered in Donatello's ear softly. He rubbed circles on the turtles upper shoulder.
"Leo grew armor… I grew a computer… Where did any of that even come from? Our mutations were organic !" Donatello said as he groaned.
Raphael didn't answer, but he had just as many questions as Donatello. But he needed to let the genius talk.
"His jaw… Did you see it… see it unhinge and expand? His torso puffed out in strange shapes… his bones and ribs couldn't have grown without being damaged. His teeth… his nails… his feet…" Donatello was truly defeated. He wasn't moving. "Is he in pain now? Did any of those… mutation symptoms hurt him? I can't get close… I can't be…"
Raphael just started to rub the turtles shell. It… It was all he could do. For now.
Donatello let out a choke. He was crying, but Raphael knew it was a controlled amount. The purple turtle had a way of being reserved, even when in tears. "I can't… feel guilt. But I can feel regret and shame …"
"Whoa, whoa, Donatello - !" Raphael pulled away a bit and looked at the turtle in his arms. He was cut off.
"Regret… stems from causing pain or harm, involuntarily or not, and wanting to change it so badly . To change what I did…" Donatello said bitterly. "To change it… I need to be good enough for it. But I failed to fix him once… how can I undo it if I messed up our only shot? Shame… shame is the feeling of unworthiness after a failure… I can't…"
"Donatello. Donatello!" Raphael said after the turtle made his case. He couldn't stand it, he really couldn't. "You. Of all of us here. Have done all you can. Since day one of this mistake, your the same constant. Michelangelo and I can't say much, and Master Splinter can only do so much with an unwilling participant. You, and Carter, are working your skin and brains off."
"I can't do it…" Donatello repeated.
"Hopelessness, I know you feel it. I can hear that you feel it. But I can't help you. I haven't given up hope on Leonardo, and I have never given up on you either. To believe he'll get better is to believe in the only one capable of it." Raphael said softly as he made his voice firm. He was so sure of himself, of his words, that Donatello perked up a bit. "You should feel no shame. You said shame comes from failure, but you haven't failed . If Leonardo has a chance, or if an option arises, you haven't failed. And you still haven't failed even if the roads you see disappear. Just… don't give up on him, and he won't on us."
"How do we know he's still okay? After what happened to you... " Donatello trailed off and rubbed at the two thin lines of tears across his face.
"But that's just it. You guys only saw what was after my visit, not my whole thing. I have proof that'll help reassure you… I hope." Raphael said as he fully pulled away and used his thumb to point in the kitchens direction. "In the meantime, Michelangelo stress-cooked again and he made more than pizza. I know he made shumai , one of your favorites."
Donatello looked at his slowly retreating brother. Maybe he can fix his mess up, maybe he can't. He really, really hoped he could. It's… He'd never forgive himself. And then what would happen?
Raphael's small grin and promise of a plan tempted him from his chair to stand. He looked at his desk and then to the cage. "How come… when Leonardo feels confidence issues, we never do what you did for me?"
That made Raphael pause just outside the door. Donatello couldn't see him, but his face was heavy. His eyes were even more lost than normal, and his frown was more sad than anything. He needed to rest but he was so hungry…
"When we make a plan to fix this mutation, we will plan to make Leonardo's return even greater." Raphael said and beckoned the Donatello. "As soon as we eat."
"Yea… I want too." Donatello hummed and walked after his brother, promises filling his brain and ideas bouncing around already.