A/N: So basically, this is my version of Raven going over to Alexander's house the first time for dinner. BE WARNED! OOC and a little…obscene, I should say? If you don't like it, don't bother reading it. And I have no hatred for Raven at all, just making sure y'all are aware of that. Please read and review, and enjoy!
I sealed the black envelope with my vampire saliva goodness and handed it to my old-ass fart of a butler named Jameson.
I thought back to that night when she was in my house. And that she was no rundown car wash whore, she was the woman I knew for a fact I would marry one day.
That Saturday evening couldn't come soon enough. I waited anxiously in my attic room for that stunning gothic beauty to step foot in this house again…
All of a sudden I heard the serpent knocker rapping on the front door. It's her, I thought to myself. When I heard Jameson telling someone I will be downstairs for her momentarily.
I grabbed the flowers I had for her and ran a hand through my long black hair before making my way downstairs to the drawing room.
There she stood at the antique Oakwood desk, facing me. I took in her short skirt and tank top, wishing I could hold her in my arms right at this very moment.
She stepped closer into the dim light and I nervously looked down at my feet, unsure of what to say. But that's when I noticed the outrageous amount of hair sprouting from the skin on her legs, all the way from the middle of her thigh down into her stingy combat boots.
I couldn't help but wrinkle my nose when she grabbed the flowers from my hand with her dirt-encrusted hands.
"Why thank ya, darling," she said and shoved one of the flowers in her mouth, chewed and swallowed.
"It's, uh…" I began, desperately searching for the right words. "Nice to finally meet you."
And that's when she smiled at me and I was greeted with the sight of cracked lips and chipped, crooked yellow teeth. Not to mention she had an out of control case of morning breath.
She surprised me with a hug and I almost died of rancid fumes! I pat her back, unsure of what to say or do.
"I think it's time to go eat?" I suggested.
"Aww, hell yeah!" she shrieked. "I am so hungry I could eat my own shit-turds!"
I kept my distance as we made our way into the dining hall. Thank God I already made sure we'd sit at opposite ends of the long table. We sat down and we just looked at each other for the longest time until Jameson finally brought us some water.
I smiled sympathetically at her and brought the crystal goblet to my lips.
"Oh, where the hell are my manners?" She smacked herself in the face before whipping a toothbrush out of her bra, dipping it in the Hungarian goulash and started brushing her teeth furiously with the thick paste. I watched green foam ooze from her lips, down her chin and splattering onto her medium-well steak.
Don't spit on the food don't spit on the food don't spit on the food don't spit on the-
She rinsed her mouth out with water, gargled and spit it back in the glass.
Lovely.
"All better!" She flashed me a puke-green smile.
"Cheers," I said and began digging into my near-rare steak.
"Queers!"
I wanted to smash my head into the table at this point.
I would say we ate in silence, but that silence was inevitably filled with the roar of her breathing and the obnoxious smacking of her lips as she chewed all her food away. She cracked her knuckles and stood.
"Ima use the hopper, darling," she cackled, and started to skip off to the drawing room. "Don't want me exploding' now, do ya handsome?"
I banged my head against the table a few times. I waited and waited and waited.
I eventually started to smell the foulest scent of the night. I raced to the drawing room, widening my eyes with pure horror.
"Oh, fuck!" I yelled. She was sitting on the open back of my baby grand piano, taking a shit!
"Ohhhhhh," she sighed, looking relieved. She hopped down and pulled up her skirt, not even bothering to wipe.
"Whew!" she squealed. "I wouldn't play that bitch no more for another week…or a month."
"Mind if we…" I gagged. "Get some fresh air?"
"Sure thang!"
When we got outside, she plopped onto the grass and looked up at the night sky. I sat next to her, trying to stay a gentlemen at least until this disaster date was over. I was really contemplating in my head whether or not I should bite her head off.
"I like to picture the stars as bloody zits on the face of the sky," she told me.
I nodded and we sat, not saying a word to one another. Then a loud farting noise erupted out of nowhere, filling the crisp night air with the scent of her filthiness.
I rolled a few feet to the side and, with my back to her, puked my crimson dinner onto the grass.
"Oh shucks, we betta get you inside!"
DON'T TAKE ME BACK IN THERE!
She dragged me into the house and as soon as we stepped in the front door, I discovered there were mouse traps set everywhere, including a cheddar cheese wedge on top of each of them.
Jameson was standing there with a broom in his old-man boxers and grandpa-esque moccasins.
"Look at all this cheese!" Raven jumped with joy.
"Out!" Jameson yelled, and began chasing her through the house and through the front door, threateningly batting the air behind her using his broom.
"That'll teach them varmints to come on my land again, trying to jack my cheese…" Jameson scoffed, walking back to his bedroom. I just looked at him and he smacked his ass, then proceeded to do an obviously drunk Elvis impersonation. "Oh yeah, you like that, don't you?"