Title: Tonight
Author: WickedGame
Archive: ffnet, mediaminerorg, affnet. Anyone else just ask first.
Category: drama, oneshot, yaoi, shounen ai, romance, a little fluff
Rating: M or NC-17, depending on how you look at it
Warnings: Quatre POV, lemon, foul language, some fluffiness.
Spoilers: Episode Zero manga.
Notes: Pairing of 3x4, with a little mention of 1x2 and 5xS. Beta-ed by FantasyOrReality.
If there's one thing I am sick and tired of, it is sitting here at my own parties being single. Heero and Duo are together and unafraid of it. Wufei still had Sally and a baby on the way. It has been five years since the Mariemaia Incident, and I am still alone.
I wish it did not have to be this way. It is not by choice that I am like this. It is just, well, the man I love has been missing for some time now.
Well, maybe missing is an incorrect term. I know where he is. It is just that the last time I asked him to come back with me, he flat out refused. Told me that he needed to stay with his sister for now, and that I should not wait for him.
Catherine needs Trowa. They are running the circus together now, and creating new acts all the time. I sent hem both invitations to all my gatherings, but they never RSVP'd nor did they ever bother to come. They are busy, I know, it is just that I want to see him so badly sometimes that it actually hurts.
The worst part about it? It's not like I can go to him. My father left behind a lot of things when he killed himself. One of those things is my vast company, Winner Enterprises. The company is a very influential member of the United Earth Sphere, and I that makes me a very important, very public person. I was not the sole heir to everything my father had, but I am the majority owner. It is up to me to keep the family together now in his absence. It makes me a busy but lonely person too.
So, when I throw these parties I spend a lot of time mingling until no one else will mingle with me. And even then I wonder the halls of my house, searching for company or just absorbing the feeling of having people in my house. It is empty most of the time save the household staff. Not even Rashid is here constantly. The Magnuacs have better things to do than to babysit me. They do best when I am not around anyway. I still have a bodyguard, but he stays in his quarters the majority of the day.
I run Winner Enterprises from an office in the city. My house though is a nice mansion here on Earth. My father did not have a ton of houses, choosing to reinvest a lot of his money back into his colony instead; but he did leave me enough money to buy this house. I bought this house with a family in mind: a family with Trowa. I'm pathetic, aren't I?
"Quatre? We're going to head up to bed now," Duo tells me with a yawn.
We all look towards the front of the house as we hear the doorbell all of sudden. A short amount of time later Stephan, my butler, comes into the room.
"Mr. Winner, there is a Mr. Barton at the door to see you," he tells me.
"Duo, I think we should go upstairs now," Heero's voice was a little insistent as he grabbed Duo's hand.
"Don't ya wanna say hi to Trowa?" Duo looked puzzled. Heero gives him a look that communicates something silently, and then Duo looks at me with a sudden comprehension, "Oh. Good night Q."
I am walking towards the foyer and the drawing room just off of it before Duo finishes saying goodnight.
"Shall I get some coffee and sandwiches for you and your newest guest Mr. Winner?" Stephan asks me.
"Yes please. Serve it in the drawing room," I tell him dismissively as I reach the double wooden doors to the drawing room.
The deep breath I take is due to many things. I try to pretend it is not nervousness but I know I am lying to myself. I turn the knobs and open the doors.
The moonlight is streaming through the Palladian windows like silver light baths, illuminating Trowa like some kind of hunter in the night. He is still extremely tall, extremely slender, and extremely alluring to me. He is wearing jeans and a black turtleneck sweater, and black boots that look practical and good looking. He doesn't turn to face me as I walk into the room, but then again, I didn't expect him to.
"Quatre," he greets me softly from the window.
"It's nice to see you Trowa," I say honestly as I walk over to him. I stand on his right, and I am so close I can smell his crisp cologne and I can see how tense he is. Then again, I can feel his tenseness due to my unique attribute also.
"Nice to see you too," he tells me, and I can feel that he means it.
"Stephan will be bringing us coffee and sandwiches soon, would you like to take a seat and tell me how you are doing?" I offer, gesturing towards the leather sofas and chairs.
"All right," he responds, and gives me a very small smile before walking to the brown sofa. I follow and sit in a chair near him. I do not want to sit too close. I may be a polite person, but I am still not very capable of keeping away from Trowa when I am too close.
"You know Trowa, you have never been here during one of my parties before. Duo and Heero will be happy to see you. They went to bed right before you got here. Wufei and Sally are here also. Have you been keeping in touch with them? Sally is pregnant. Can you imagine Wufei a dad? I think he will be okay though, really," I pause during my rambling and then ask the burning question, "Trowa? Why are you here?"
He looks up at me and I can tell he has been asking himself that selfsame question ever since he walked in the door, "I don't know. I really don't. Catherine's getting married, Heero and Duo are together, Wufei and Sally are having a child, and it seems like everyone is moving on with their lives."
'Not me, I haven't', I whisper inside my mind.
"Yeah, so they are moving on. But there is no pressure for you to move on Trowa, you know that. Some people are just not ready to start living their lives," I tell him and I believe it.
"What about you? How come you have not moved on and started living your life?" he always did know what questions to ask to get right to the point.
At this point the drawing room door reopens. Stephan walks in and sets down the shiny coffee service and the china platter laden with finger sandwiches.
"Will that be all for tonight Mr. Winner?" he asks me.
"Yes Stephan. That will be all for tonight, thank you," I tell him, and he exits as softly as he came in.
"Good man there, your butler," Trowa comments.
"Yes he is," I smile fondly and start to pour two cups of coffee. Trowa takes his with one sugar, nothing else. I take mine with a sugar and a splash of cream. I hand him a china cup and saucer and use the other for myself. I never knew my mother, but this service is something I would like to think she might have owned. Trowa does not touch the sandwiches, but he leans back and blows gently on his coffee.
"You never answered my question," Trowa comments.
"What question?" I find myself asking even though I know exactly which one.
"Why haven't you moved on and started a life for yourself?"
"I have, I really have. The business takes so much time, and then there are the charity balls and dinners, and the wining and dining of clients. I see our friends regularly, and it is a very nice life," I try to throw him off the scent. Please Trowa, do not dig further into this. I do not lie as a habit, but I do not want you to be in any more pain than you seem to be right now. I don't want you to have to say no, to leave, and to never come back again. I can't take that anymore.
"Are you in love?" Trowa asks, and I feel as if the bottom of the world has dropped out from under me.
"What?" I ask in a whisper.
"Are you in love?" Trowa asks the question again, and I get this sense of being trapped. Why would he ask? He has turned me away again and again, only to come here now and ask these questions.
"You know what? It is late. I bet you are tired. I can show you to a room for the night, and then we can spend time with the others tomorrow," I smile and change the subject as I set down my fragile cup. I stand and brush the imaginary dust off my navy blue slacks.
"I know it's late. And you are right, I am tired. But I also have a question that is waiting for an answer. And you are going to answer it, Quatre," Trowa's voice is insistent, and I can feel the determination rolling off of him.
"Yes, I am in love," I grit out through my teeth. Sometimes I think people forget that I am not soft like a marshmallow, despite my young looks. I am starting to get mad. Who is he to come in and demand answers from me?
"With whom?" Trowa asks.
"None of your business Trowa. Please, let me just show you to your room," I tell him. I start to walk away, and then his hand is on my elbow, gripping me and stopping me cold.
"Are you as lonely as I am?" he asks, and I am momentarily frozen in place before I wrench my arm away.
"Lonely? You are lonely? You had your circus. Every time I offered to make you less lonely you turned me away! Yes Trowa, I am lonely. I have been for a very long time now, but I find it hard to believe that you have just now gotten lonely. I don't know why you are here now of all times, but there has to be more than loneliness there," I am bitter, and I know it. But I have been waiting for quite some time now for this man standing in front of me. Then he shows up and wants to talk about how lonely he is? Trowa Barton does not do things for frivolous reasons.
"The circus needed me. Now they don't. They have not needed me for some time now. I think there is somewhere else I am needed. I think there is someone else that needs me, and he does not want to admit it to me. I am not stupid Quatre," Trowa's words are true, I know. But it is still not enough.
"If there is one thing you are not Trowa, it is stupid. None of us are stupid," I grind out through my teeth.
"Quatre," Trowa grabs me again, and holds my upper arms as he looks me in the eyes, "why can't you admit that you need me?"
"Is that what you want Trowa? Is to be needed? For what purpose do you want to be needed? I don't do needed Trowa," I hiss out.
"Quatre, do you love me?" he asks. Shit.
"Trowa, I am too tired to fight with you. I am not going to sit here and tell you about loving you if I know you are not here to stay," I say wearily, and it is true.
"I don't know," he says.
"Don't know what?" I ask.
"Whether I am staying or not," he confesses.
"Well then, that leaves us at an impasse, doesn't it?" I laugh weakly.
"I don't know whether I am staying or not, but I do know that we have tonight to find out. I can tell you that I am staying tonight. We have tonight to figure it out together. Why worry about tomorrow? Let me stay with you tonight and worry about the rest tomorrow," Trowa grabs me again and pulls me flush against him. He is very tall, and I only come up to his chin now. But when he rests that chin on top of my head and my face is buried in his chest, all I can do is wrap my arms around him. I want to sink into him, even though my mind is screaming at me to stop. But he feels so good, and the vibes coming off of him scream want and need, and I am drowning in it all of a sudden as it mixes with my own feelings of repressed desire.
"Quatre?" he asks, and I can hear his voice rumbling through his solid chest.
"Last door on the right at the top of the stairs," I tell him, and let him pick me up. I bury my face in his neck and inhale that fresh cologne that reminds me of the wind and sunshine. I do not know why I let him carry me, I just do. Sometimes it feels nice to be carried like that.
He sets me down at the door, and I open it and gesture for him to enter. He does, and I close the door behind me as I enter. We are now in my bedroom, decorated in rich navy blues, dark wood, and cream walls. The fireplace is lit, and I silently thank Stephan in the recesses of my mind.
"Quatre," Trowa breathes my name as he stands behind me, running his hands down my arms. I lean back slightly into him, and I let him unbutton my white oxford shirt while I nuzzle his neck. The shirt is untucked and then cast aside, and Trowa undoes the buckle of my leather belt to get to the button and zipper on my wool slacks. They fall to the ground and pool around my ankles, and my boxer briefs soon follow. I toe off my brown shoes, dark socks, and then kick the rest of my clothing off. I am now naked, and leaning against the man I love, if even for only tonight. His hands are running softly over my skin, leaving little trails of fire wherever they go, and I am hardening every step of the way. He pushes me against the door and starts to kiss my warm skin, nipping and suckling down my spine, to the cleft of the buttocks, a slides his tongue down until he reaches my balls. He places a sensual lick right behind my balls and I know I am moaning. I push off the door and turn around. Trowa is kneeling on the ground in front of me, and he reaches for my hips again. He holds me against the door and buries his nose in the little blond hairs around my very hard cock, inhaling their scent. Then he pulls back and licks the shining tip of me before swallowing me whole. Good lord, what a feeling! It is warm, wet, hot, tight, and so sweet. I feel like I can feel myself hitting the back of his throat, and his tongue is licking the shaft expertly as he sucks.
"Trowa!" I hear myself moan as I try to move my hips. He holds me down though, and my knees start to shake as I can feel my balls start to tighten up. Trowa moans in appreciation of me, and the sounds create vibrations throughout that whole sensitive area. And sure enough, I can feel the orgasm start to build, and it feel so good, like a tidal wave that I cannot stop.
"Trowa! I'm going to – God!" it is like I am floating above, watching myself shake uncontrollable and moan as I let go. I can feel my semen flood his mouth and I look down to watch him swallow every last bit of it. There is nothing hotter than watching someone swallow your essence willingly. My legs threaten to collapse under me, and as Trowa stands I hang onto him for dear life. He picks me up again, and carries me over to my bed. You would think I would have something fancier, but it is just a simple wooden bed, with soft natural fiber sheets and a warm blanket that I have had for ages. I love this bed, and I love the idea of Trowa being in it. I won't allow myself to think of him leaving it in the morning.
Trowa slowly strips off his clothes as I watch. I can feel that I am getting aroused again, and I am not surprised. I am always ready when it comes to Trowa it seems. When he is nude before me I can see he has gotten a tattoo at some point in time. I ask him about it when he climbs into bed. It is on his lower abdomen, right next to his hip, where the lines of his muscles meet in a succulent bit of flesh.
"What does it mean?" I ask him, tracing the lines of the runic characters.
"My secret, can't tell you," Trowa tells me as he pulls me close and kisses me. I can taste what must be me on his tongue, and it only serves to spur me on. I love every taste of him, and I can never get enough of it. I allow him to push me down and take over again. One day I think I may like to take control, but then again, I am not going to think about that right now. His kiss is hungry, almost desperate, and our tongues wrap sinuously around each other like snakes. He leaves my lips momentarily to arch his eyebrow questioningly.
"Top drawer on our right," I tell him, knowing what he is searching for. He opened the drawer and pulls out the little tube of lubricating gel and opens it. I can hear a little wheeze come from the tube as the clear gel gathers on Trowa's slender fingertips. I spread my legs automatically, trying not to think about anything but Trowa's fingers and Trowa's body in general. If all I have is tonight, then I will take it. But this will be it. I can't wait forever, even if I will always love him. Time after time I have let him take me, and time after time I have enjoyed every single minute of it. But when he leaves he always takes a small part of my heart with him. I need to live. I need to learn to live without him.
"Quatre? Are you still with me?" Trowa asks, and I can hear puzzlement in his voice.
"Trowa, please!" I beg, needing to have him inside me, filling me, making me forget for just this night that I am alone. And he uses his fingers, slick with gel, to stretch me, making it pleasurable and passionate. By the time he is done I am panting and begging even more.
'Make me forget Trowa. Make me yours, mark me, and make me forget that tomorrow you will be gone for good,' my thoughts cry out, and then he is entering me with a pleasurable hiss. The head of his shaft stretches the ring, and then slides through. The rest of him follows, making me feel full and complete. I pull my legs back and allow Trowa all the access he needs.
"Hard Trowa! I want it hard!" I tell him. He complies, pulling out and slamming back in, hitting me in all the right places and making me see the right kinds of stars. I am forgetting.
"Oh Quatre!" Trowa's face is contorted as he slams into me, and his eyes are closed in pleasure.
I use my lower back muscles to lift my ass up even further, and Trowa slips his hands underneath to assist me. He digs his fingers into my skin, and I love the pain that is now coming with the pleasure. It is penance for the sins I have committed.
I can feel that Trowa is close. His body has become taut from head to toe, and he is sweating hard with exertion. His breath is coming in ragged pants, and he is grunting nonsensically as he thrusts. I use a free hand to grab my own erection and I begin to pump, bringing myself closer to the brink.
"God Quatre, so close!" Trowa gasps as he moves. I want to tell him how close I am but the words are lost as my release suddenly hits me, flowing through me like a wave. I can feel the warm liquid spurt out of my cock and over my hand. It hits my stomach with a small sound, and then Trowa is moaning so loudly I could swear the others in the house may be able to hear him. Trowa jerks about repeatedly in spasmodic thrusts as I feel his seed flood inside me. It is hot, and I love the feeling as it starts to leak out of me.
Trowa is silent as he rolls off of me and leaves the bed wearily to search for a warm rag. I hear the water turn on and then shut off, and then Trowa is wiping us down to get rid of the liquid evidence of our lovemaking. He crawls back into the bed and pulls me close, covering us both with my old blanket and my soft sheets.
"What are you thinking about?" I ask him, knowing full well I will not get a straight answer.
"Nothing. Let's get some sleep," he tells me. I close my eyes and even out my breath. He doesn't need to know that sleep will not come to me now. I lay in wait until Trowa's breath evens out and then I slip out of the bed. I pull on a pair of flannel pajama bottoms and curl up in the chair next to my large picture window.
The world is so peaceful. The moon is so bright. The grass outside ruffles gently in the night air, and I wonder why it was all made this way. I wonder who, what, when, where, why and how. And then I turn those questions inward.
I am Quatre Raberba Winner. I am a former Gundam pilot, and also the President of Winner Enterprises. I was born some years ago, on the L4 colony cluster. I have no clue why I was born, and all I know is that I was just another Winner test tube baby. Rashid and the others taught me to be proud of what I was and where I came from but right now, all I can do is feel sorry for myself.
Was I really supposed to be alone? Was that my entire fate? Living with unrequited love, a workaholic life, and watching everyone else be happy? Was this the hand I had been dealt?
Life can be terrible sometimes. And before I know it my eyes are closing and I am slipping into a deep sleep.
I awaken slightly as I am lifted from the comfy chair and carried back to the bed. I feel Trowa lay me down gently, and then the bed dips as he settles in next to me under the covers.
"Are you awake, Quatre?" Trowa asks.
"I am now. You didn't have to move me," I tell him.
"Why were you asleep in the chair?" Trowa asks, and my whole body freezes.
"Couldn't sleep," I answer truthfully. I could not sleep as long as he was in my bed. I could not let myself wake up in those arms for the very last time.
"Something is different about you," he points out.
"Maybe I have had a little bit of an epiphany this evening. Maybe some things that were cloudy before are now clear. Maybe the Quatre that is lying here with you is not the Quatre you knew before," I am not trying to be enigmatic or vague. I am only telling him the truth.
"The Quatre I knew was one who would talk things out before hiding them. The Quatre I knew would not run from his problems," Trowa commented.
"What do you know about my problems? You know what the only problem I have is? My only problem is that I loved you for so long before finally realizing that you will never love me back. My problem is that I have lived this stand-still life without light at the end of tunnel for so long that it took you coming here tonight for me to finally see that I can and will move on. God Trowa, I have loved you for so long, and you always pushed me away. Sure, you would sleep with me, make love to me, whisper little sweet things to me; but you never stayed with me. In the morning you will be gone, and when you leave I will not want to see you ever again," I cannot believe I have finally spoke the words. My heart is broken, but I am still here. I do not know why I am sad about that.
"I have nowhere to go," I hear him say. I look up at him.
"What do you mean?"
"Catherine is getting married and needs me to move out. The circus is doing well without my help, and so I quit. I quit to come to you. To finally be with you," Trowa is confessing and I am incredulous.
"Why the hell did you not say something? You said you did not know if you were going to stay!" I yell at him.
"I meant here. I did not know if I was going to stay here. I had thought about renting a hotel room," Trowa pointed out.
"You cannot just drop in after all this time and turn it all upside down! You waltz in here with your tattoo that has secret meanings and vague answers to serious questions -," I am cut off by Trowa clearing his throat.
"The tattoo says 'Quatre' in an ancient runic language," he says, and I let out a rough laugh.
"You never do things halfway, do you Trowa?" I ask him.
"I have wanted to be with you for so long Quatre. But you never needed me. I have to be needed. I cannot stay someplace where I am not needed, and not with someone who does not need me. You had your company and I thought that was enough for you. But when I talked to Wufei and he told me how badly you were doing… Quatre, you need me. You didn't before, but you do now. You need someone to love you and be with you"
I look up into those green eyes and sigh, "Trowa, I do not need a pity boyfriend. I do need someone yes. I won't deny that. I am lonely and I am frustrated. But if you came here because you felt sorry for me, then I am afraid you will have to leave."
"Quatre, that's not it at all. We need each other damnit! We can make each other happy. I love you. I am only now just discovering how empty it was without you. All of it. Every time you came and tried to convince me to come back I was not ready to accept that I needed you. I could love you in the dark, I could make love to you in the dark, and I knew in the morning you would ask me to come with you. I wished I could. But then I would see how much Catherine still needed me and I felt like she needed me more than you did. I have so many regrets Quatre. Catherine would have understood, and then we would not be in this position at all. But I made some bad choices. I know it. But please, Quatre, let me stay with you. Let me be what you need and want and love," Trowa was pleading with me now, and I was crying with confusion and with hope.
"What are you asking me for?" I hear myself inquire.
"A chance. We have this night to ourselves. But tomorrow morning, I want a chance to make you believe I am not leaving. I need you. I want you. Let me make you believe."
What am I going to say? No? Do you think I can? He's here in my bedroom, where I have always pictured him. He wants to stay. No more lonely parties, no more solo vacations. No more tables for one. He is looking at me through those dark brown lashes, and I feel a power like I have never had. I can make or break both our lives with one answer. And I know now that I could never refuse him. I have waited too long for him. And if it kills me when he leaves then at least I will have known his touch and what it was like to live together with the man I love.
"Sure. I think I'm insane, but I am still going to say yes. You will be the death of me Trowa Barton," I sigh as I lie back down. I am too tired to do anything but lay in his arms.
"I would die a thousand deaths just to wake up to you being in my arms," Trowa whispers as the sandman carries me away.
My last thought as I fall back asleep, as the sun is starting to creep over the horizon, is something vague about poetry.
I blink and look out the window. Sunlight is streaming in. It is obvious from the noises that everyone is up and moving about. My bed is warm, and heavy. I can feel Trowa's bangs tickling my ear, and I brush them away.
"I was wondering when you would finally wake up," Trowa chuckles sleepily, and I wonder if I am in heaven.
"I like to sleep. You're still here," I comment.
"I told you I was not leaving," Trowa says as he tightens his arms around me.
I never thought I would be so happy to hear those words. He was here, really here, and he had not left. I had woken up in his arms, and suddenly everything just felt right. Just perfect.
"We could go join the others," he suggests, but I have something else on my mind right now. I have the feeling that we may not leave this bed for the majority of the day. I roll over and sit on top of his powerful thighs.
"I think the others will understand if their host is a no-show today," I smile gently as I lean down to kiss him, and I do not even care about any morning breath.
Maybe tomorrow he will leave. Maybe in a month or maybe in a year. Maybe one day he will just be gone. But until then, I will believe that I am not alone anymore. I've got today. Who needs tomorrow?
- The End -