Twilight: Love, Death, Vampires, Randomness, and a Zombie
By
The I HATE TWILIGHT GUILD from
Writers
Leafion, I Mime I ,Disordered Pain, Raining On One Friday, RyuShikyo Yagari, II Ikkou II, MegatronHarbringerofDeath, Elektro Magnetik808, Killer-Kotohime-Kat, Gentlemen Hikari R, and Vamdragon
Edited and Revised by
Vamdragon
Chapter 1
Once upon a time….
There was once a boy named Edward Cullen. A vampire in a vampire family. His creator Carlisle, his supposed wife Esme, his two "brothers" Jasper and Emmett, and his "sisters" Alice and Rosalie. They live a quiet and idiotic life in Forks, Washington. One day his strange life got weirder when a girl named Bella Swan entered that little town.
She entered his science class; he smelled her and OH SHE SMELLED GOOD!!!! Good enough to eat and he wanted to. He was going to eat her and drain her dry. But his family had other plans…His sister Alice had to keep reminding him that they were vegetarians and it wasn't good to eat a girl. And somehow in all the confusion he started to like her. Now it could have been her vampire like appearance or maybe even because he was a guy and liked the smell of food around but the facts are never straight. So he stared to stalk her. He watched her sleep, take showers, eat go to the bathroom; shave her monkey like legs, and even at school. He'd even try to call her, but every time she picked up the phone he couldn't talk and started breathing really heavy. "Huff huff" "Hello? Hello? Earth to FREAKO!!! HELLO?? Wait is this Old man Jenkins? Jenkins you horn dog!!!! Why don't you just talk dirty to me!!! Tehehe.." Soon after a conversation like this he'd hang up still without a word spoken to her.
Well one day when he was stalking her she got jumped by a bunch of rapist. "RAPE! RAPE!!! NO! NO! I DON'T WANT IT!! I DON'T WANT IT!!! THAT DOESN'T GO THERE!!! OH!!!" she'd scream, all the while taking her clothes off for them. Edward saw this and sprung into action. "Back off!!" he said, "Only I'm allowed to rape her!!" So he grabbed her and her clothes and raced off into the night. We'll he got her in his car, after got her some food, and well one thing lead to another and they ended up dating. And soon after got married. But back to Edward….
Now, Edward wasn't your 'normal' vampire: he was a ***** who sneaks into his girlfriend's house every night, he sparkles in light, and he drinks only animal blood. He liked dancing, opera, musicals, Wham, Broke Back Mountain, Michael Jackson, and could relate with Mariah Carey in Glitter. He was suppose to hate wolves and dogs but secretly he loved them and had puppies on his checks. Edward had a supposed "EMEMY". His name was Jacob Black, we wonder if he's related to Jack Black but then deny it because Jack Black is to cool to be related to Jacob, and was a wolf shape shifter who liked to poop everywhere. But he apparently hated Edward for stealing his beloved Bella. Oh woe was he for the love of his life ended with a parasite.
Well one day, Jacob Black found Edward on his land.
Chapter 2
A Bit of an Argument
Jacob's eyes locked on Edward's shoes, covered in his own little shits. Jacob... was absolutely flabbergasted. ''You friggin' dike!!" Jacob screamed, pounding his chest the way Tarzan does when he's... Whatever. Edward Cullen turned his ugly head, to look at Jacob's hairy face, frowning in disgust. ''Dude, you're hot,'' Edward said, drooling. Jacob's nostrils flared. After stealing his love, Bella, Edward was kissing up to him? "Man, yo' is twisted, dawg," Jacob growled. Jacob suddenly realized that when he got really angry, he had the language of a gangster. Edward sniffed. "Man, you smell nasty. Fancy a snog, anyway?"
Jacob pushed away in disgust. " ******** off, biatch..."Edward fell to his knees, screaming, and bursting into tears. ''How can you not understand the strong love I have for you, mongrel?!!'' he screamed."Y'know wut, Cullen?" Jacob roared. "You wanna fight over Bella? FINE! I challenge you....to a dance.' Edward perked his head up smiling brightly "A dance? I LUV BALLET! He suddenly slipped on a tootoo and danced around Jacob, Jacob was horrified by the sight of him in a dress! Jacob stared at him, "What the hell is wrong with you?" But he never got an answer.
Bella walked in dressed up as if on a date "Jacob when are we- oh hi Edward... why are you wearing tights?" Edward was puzzled and stopped dancing "Bella....even though we are married, you are dating him! How could you cheat on me! Aw well, I got Jacob!" Bella gasped and they started playing tug-o-war with Jacob. Jacob was being tugged between two freaks, "Lord help me I don't want to be Edward's toy!". Jacob had the sudden urge to cut himself, till he got an idea, yet it wasn't a full idea... he screamed "AY! YOU FREAKS! GET OFF OF ME!" frightened they both stumbled backwards. "Great now to run for it!" Jacob got up to run for it, Edward, still wearing tights and a tootoo started running after Jacob, with Bella far behind in her dress. Stumbling all the while.
Then Bella fell face first and torn her ugly dress and got her ugly face covered in mud which made her look a whole lot better and fell down yet again. Bella screamed out "Edward!!!!!!!" But Edward was too busy prancing after Jacob in his pink tootoo, yelling "Jacob my love! Come back!" Jacob looked back scared and screamed, never had he realized how ugly Edward was! Especially in tights! NO, HE WAS UGLY PERIOD!!!! And since Edward is a "special" vampire, he used his powers to bend over backwards and lick his butthole. This somehow enabled him to pounce on Jacob holding him in a tight bear hug from the rear. Jacob, still running, made it closer to a cliff.
Jacob screeched and tried slapping Edward in the face Edwards licked his lips."Oh Babee"said Edward as he tackled Jacob and the fell practically 10 stories downwards, while Jacob is in Edwards arms. Jacob was trying to push Edward off but then Edward gave Jacob a love kiss and Jacob feel in love with Edward the second the kiss happened because of Edwards "powers".
Bella got up and noticed the new couple falling thru the air, Bella screamed "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the couple fell to another edge of a cliff and bounced off that cliff edge. Bella was now crying and pulling her hair out, as they were falling off the edge. Jacob and Edward both say, "Bella, we'll have a three way with you! Get everyone else too!"
The scene was quit a strange site... to guys falling off a cliff and talking to Bella at the same time, no something you saw everyday! Bella screeched happily, and ran and jumped off the cliff with them clinging on to Edwards TooToo, It ripped and Bella fell without the two boys screaming. Edward grabbed Bella's foot then flung her downwards. They both scream at her:
"FOOLED YA! DIE BIATCH!"
Bella was screaming as she fell down faster than the boys, she then landed with a crack. Her body was splattered all over the ground.
The boys snickered at each other and congratulated each other with a kiss, the rest of the moments were silent, and these guys fell very slowly. Like a feather. Man that tells how weak they are in muscle! (Muscle weighs more than fat you know) Edward after an hour realized that once the hit the ground, who knows what? They then noticed they were falling faster now, they now were screaming like little girls.
Edward and Jacob both said their tearful good-byes. But when they hit the ground, they landed on a meadow of flowers while Bella fell on a bed of nails. Edward officially asked Jacob out. And without hesitation, Jacob smiled with glee and yelled, "OF COURSE!" they both walked around and found a peaceful village, full of fags. They were introduced by everyone, and got grabbed assed. And they made their way into the city.
Chapter 3
A Lovely Couple
Jacob and Edward got a hotel room and did...well...stuff I can't say here on this program. Otherwise I would be in big trouble and might get banned and you wouldn't be able to read the rest of this amazing story that has been put together. Anyways…..
No one seemed to care that Bella was dead. Yet everyone was disappointed that Edward and Jacob were alive, so a mob seeked to kill the gay couple. Edward then decided he hated Jacob because he sucked in bed and left in the night while the mob was getting closer to where Jacob slept. Unknowing of Edwards bailing out and the murderous mob of Twilight haters.
Edward one night snuck out, and tried to kill, a group a twilight haters, but Edward then was slaughtered. Jacob woke up and noticed Edward was gone. Jacob was scared so he ran to Bella's death scene and cried his eyes out then he met, Megatron, who was a very big twilight hater as well. He hated humans and even more than humans he hated fan girls. Even more than his hatred for fan girls he hated the things they loved which happened to be right in front of him now. And he chased after Jacob but Jacob turned into a dog a disappeared so Megatron went off to kill emo fan girls. And Jacob turned back into a human and ran off.
RyuSHikyo appeared then, Jacob was scared to death now, RyuShikyo pulled out her bazooka and aimed it right at his head and said, "sayonara u over rated piece of crap."And so was the death of Jacob Black. Surprisingly Edward came back to life and ran off so he wouldn't get killed again.
Hikari Rikimaru also appeared and got his gay twilight vampire blaster and shot Edward. "YOU SUCK YOU UGLY TWISTED NOSED GAY STALKER POOR EXUSE FOR A VAMPIRE FREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he said as he got a zombie like Bella holding a baby(yes I know Bella was dead read side story duh), "YOU HAVE NOTHING ANYMORE HES DEAD UR LIFE IS OVA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OVA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He got a Bella blasta, shot her on the head, and steals the baby. "THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA JUST KIDDING!!!" as he pulls out cardboard replacements of them.
Edward suddenly turns back to life again with his POOPER POWERS. Hikari stares at Edward and his disarranged face. Somehow his face becomes perfect. Hikari Rikimaru twitches. "This story never ends does it?" And so began another cycle of killing and resurrecting for a very long time.
How Bella came back to life (side story)
Then Rosalie, who really didn't hate Bella but loved her, cut Alice and took her blood and put it in dead Bella's mouth. Bella came back alright...AS A ZOMBIE!!!!!! "I LOVE YOU BELLA!" said Rosalie as she ran to hug Bella. "BRAINS" moaned Bella. And so they ran off and did the dirty and soon Bella became PREGNANT realizing Rosalie was a man!!!!!!! But she really didn't notice because she was a zombie. But Bella got away from Rosalie and started eating other people's brains. Slowly but surely she made her way into the city were Jacob and Edward had a room together. And as people were being killed for various odd reasons she picked up brains and so on and so on until she was captured by Hikari Rikimaru…