The main protagonist woke up and was in a helicopter.
"Where am I?" he asked into the darkness. It was so welcoming, he wished he could just give himself into the darkness, let him consume him, all hail the darkn-
"A very good question," said some random Asian boy, also known as the secondary protagonist, "you got any ideas?"
The main protagonist was like "no and I have a headache".
There was a brief description of the main characters, the Asian boy had a ponytail. Gay. No description of the main protagonist was given other than that he had short white hair, but, you know, he's still white.
The Asian boy was like "well you're fucking useless then aren't you, I shall ignore you and look moody."
Suddenly there was a volcano, holy shit, Otto thought, volcanoes are hype. What was less hype was the fact that the HELICOPTER FLEW STRAIGHT INTO THE VOLCANO THEY ALL BURNED AND DIED A FIERY, FIERY DEATH. Just kidding, there was a landing pad inside the volcano, they were all fine.
"So what's your name?" asked Otto, pathetically attempting to flirt.
"Wing Fanchu."
"I'm Malpense… Otto Malpense."
"That was clearly an attempt to sound like James Bond, guess what, Otto, you're 11, you don't sound cool," said Wing.
...
Blah blah blah description of them walking around, they ended up in this massive room full of nerds and there was this platform thing and this dude walked in. The dude was mega hot, holy crap wow, the only clue to his age were silver streaks in his hair, and also the fact that he was clearly post puberty, in fact there was a pretty big clue in that he was probably in his mid-thirties due to the fact that that that's what he looked like. There was no real clue to his nationality, but, you know, he's still white.
"Yo," said the man, "so basically you lot are just a handpicked bunch of douchebags and I intend to train you to benefit myself. Because I'm also a douchebag. Welcome to H.I.V.E., also known as 'Evil Hogwarts'."
There was a massive display of some stuff but Wing and Otto were just Too Cool to be impressed and started a staring contest with the sexy white douchebag, I don't know if you've ever been in a 3 way staring contest, but it's bloody difficult.
The guy on the platform started talking again, mainly out of embarrassment because he knew he would never win the staring contest, what a little bitch, thought Otto.
"My names Dr Nero-"
"*cough*BULLSHIT *cough*" came a voice from the crowd.
"What?"
"*cough* YOU CLEARLY ONLY CALL YOURSELF A DOCTOR TO LOOK COOL *cough*" came the same voice.
"*cough* DID YOU EVEN GO TO MEDICAL SCHOOL *cough*"
"I am a doctor!" protested "Doctor" Nero (*cough* bullshit *cough*), "if you don't shut up I'll have you killed."
"Nerd," muttered Otto under his breath.
"RIGHT. THAT'S IT. SPEECH OVER. I WAS GONNA TELL YOU SOME USEFUL STUFF, BUT YOU CAN ALL JUST GO FUCK YOURSELVES."
The guards then began to usher all the little 11 year olds into a different doorway, and some stuff happened.
Meanwhile "Doctor" Nero watched all the little guys filter out of the room, and thought about how creepy the white hair boy and the Asian (the only Asian. I'm serious, he's referred to as 'THE' Asian) were.
"Raven, get your arse over here," he murmured softly, and some random person walked over in ninja gear, "take your helmet off so I can look at that scar I gave you when you were like 16 but it's origins will only actually be revealed in like 8 books," he told her.
Raven did as he asked. She was mega hot.
"How is it that you can see me when no one else can?" she asked, with a slight Russian accent, she was Russian, you know, that place that has about 5 billion different ethnic groups, she'd grown up in Siberia, that place right next to China. But, you know, she's still white.
"It's because I'm creepy as hell, and this just confirms my status as mysterious," he told her. "Anyway, who the fuck is this kid?" he asked, pointing at the kid on the screen on the lectern that I didn't mention earlier. Why the hell don't I just carry around an iPad or another, slightly less user friendly but with better capabilities, or personalisation options, like, for example, a Samsung tablet, wondered Nero. Probably because this book was written in 2006, man.
"That's Otto Malpense, he was responsible for that thing," Raven informed him, wondering why she knew these things but he didn't, since technically she didn't even work for H.I.V.E. Probably so that the author would have an excuse for some characters to talk about him.
"Oh yeah, that thing," said Nero. That thing that Otto did was really impressive, it was making headlines, "what about the Asian? You know, the only Asian that's here, despite the fact that we recruit people from all over the world and over half of the world's population is Asian."
"That's Wing Fanchu, you're indirectly responsible for the death of mother, and will be indirectly responsible for the death of his father also. He's really good at fighting, probably because he's Chinese, they all know martial arts, right?"
"Yeah, that's probably it."