Bella: Mum?
James: (his voice echoing from somewhere) MUAHAHA! It is a videotape! Now I shall eat you!
Bella: Please don't?
James appears dramatically from behind a floral curtain with a camera in his hand.
James: I chose this place because it is very… full of mirrors. Which is good if I want to record eating you for your sparkly boyfriend.
Bella: I don't think that he would like that much…
James starts walking towards Bella. Bella runs in the general direction of the door, but her lack of co-ordination means that she knocks herself out on a support column.
James: Oh, for gods sake. Wake up!
He slaps the unconscious Bella. At that very moment Edward, wearing a full body leotard, flies into the room.
Edward: I will save you my love!
James: (smirks) Um… sure. You might be fast, but I can break you.
James proceeds to flush Edwards head down the toilet.
Edward: (crying) Please, I just wanted to save my love!
James: Do you even know her name?
Edward: It's so boring I just call her 'my love' mostly.
Carlisle walks into the ballet studio, with his hand on his hip.
Carlisle: Did someone call for a doctor?
Edward: No.
James: Um… no.
Carlisle: (Frowning) Oh… Well… I'm not really good for anything else. Do continue.
He disappears in a burst of paracetamol pills. Then he re-appears in a more predictable burst of smoke.
Carlisle: Actually… Bella might be hurt over there… I'll stay.
Bella: (waking up) Ouch…
Carlisle: (ecstatically) I am wanted!
James: (turning back to Edward) What the hell is wrong with your family?
Edward: We are vegetarians.
James: That explains a lot.
Alice and Jasper walk in and place a large pile of wood and charcoal on the floor. Emmett walks in and casually lifts James up before placing him on the pile.
Jasper: Light it Alice!
Alice sets fire to the pile and the three proceed to dance around it waving their hands in the air.
Alice, Jasper and Emmett: (singing) Burn, baby, burn!
James: (stepping out of the fire) Umm… You have to break me into little pieces for that to kill me.
Alice: Oh, yeah! Well, isn't that stupid?
Alice, Jasper and Emmett proceed to pull apart James bit by bit.
James: Ouch.
Bits and pieces of James are now in the fire, and the room fills with purple smoke- because vampires are essentially incense. Purple incense…
Carlisle: Edward, come over here.
Edward walks over there, and Bella is staring at the James-fire.
Bella: It burns! Dear god, it burns!
Edward: She must have been bitten! Quick let me suck her blood!
Carlisle: Edward, no. Too late.
Emmett walks over and pulls Edward away from Bella, as Jasper leaves the room muttering something about a lucky bastard.
Edward: Yep, it is clean. The blood is clean. No venom. Actually… Maybe just one more taste to make sure!
Everyone else restrains Edward to make sure that he won't kill Bella.
Carlisle: Hey, where is Esme?
Jacob: (who is suddenly there) She never appears in fight scenes. Get with the program.
He turns into a Scottish Terrier and runs away.
Edward: Who the hell was that?
Carlisle: I don't know. But we probably won't ever meet him again.
Alice: I am pretty sure that was a girl. It had long hair…
Later in hospital.
Bella: OMG THERE IS A TUBE IN MY ARM!!!
Edward: She is afraid of a tube…
Bella: IN MY ARM!!
Renee: (walking in to the room) Is your boyfriend unconscious?
Bella: Yes… TUBE!
Renee: You love him don't you?
Bella: TUB… Yes mum, I do.
Renee: Goodo, I am going to go back to Phil now. I think that this half a second of caring has been adequate.
She exits the room
Edward: (walking over to Bella) I will love you forever and ever.
Bella: TUBE!!