Losing My Religion
AN: So, a few days ago, a friend of mine and I got into a conversation about the religions of Glee characters and how they might've came to be. Obviously, we know Kurt is an Atheist, Mercedes, Sam, and Quinn are Christians, and Rachel and Puck (and Jake?) are Jewish. But we don't know much about the religious background of the characters.
Somehow, we got to the point of discussing future!Klaine in NYC in which Blaine is a (liberal) Christian, as are his kids. Somewhere in there, we decided Jesse would be a Christian as well, and he and Blaine would take the kids to church every Sunday.
So, a little background for later in the story.
Kurt and Blaine will be married, and they have two children—Lizzie and Finn. I think you can assume who the kids' namesakes are and why. The Hummel-Anderson family is close to the St. James family—aka Rachel, Jesse, and their daughter, Annie.
As I previously stated, Blaine and Jesse both consider themselves Christians, as do their kids. Kurt and Rachel are both okay with this, so long as their husbands agree not to force the kids to go when they decide they want to find their own way.
I think I have all the introductions done. I honestly do not mean to offend anyone that considers themselves a Christian, because Kurt says some awfully harsh stuff near the end concerning God and Christianity. In the same way, I don't mean to demean any Atheists, or Kurt being an Atheist.
The way I see it, Kurt is a very logical person, which lends to his religion(or rather lack thereof). Circumstances also led up to his disbelief in any deity, but that's already implied in the show to some degree.
I hope you guys enjoy! It was a lot of fun to put myself into Kurt's shoes and write this.
When Kurt Hummel was five years old, his mom took him to a local church's vacation Bible school.
His family had never been really good at going to church. They would go every now and then—mostly during the holidays and whenever his grandparents were around. Church had never been a big part of his life, but his mom made sure he knew all about God, Jesus, and all the characters of the Bible that she was particularly fond of.
Church wasn't a big part of their family, but when Kurt was five, that began to change.
It happened when he and his mother were out shopping one day. Lima was a fairly small town, so things like the store and local churches tended to be in close proximity with each other.
Elizabeth Hummel had realized in the morning that they needed to refill on groceries, so she loaded up her five year old into the car and headed to the nearest Wal-Mart, which just happened to be right across from a Methodist church.
It came as a bit of surprise to the young mother when Kurt quietly piped up, "Momma? What's vacation Bible school?"
The words were a bit choppy and Kurt still spoke in a childish, garbled voice, but Elizabeth could tell what he was saying. She glanced at the sign in question as they pulled up into the Wal-Mart parking lot.
"It's like school, but where you learn about Jesus," she explained. "They have games and crafts and stuff, sweetie."
Kurt's face lit up at the word 'crafts.' "I wanna go, Mommy!" he said excitedly. "Please?"
Elizabeth just chuckled. "We'll see, sweetheart."
It didn't take much convincing from Kurt for Elizabeth and Burt to agree to taking him to the church's vacation Bible school, so a week later, Elizabeth dropped off a nervous Kurt at the church's registration, kissing him goodbye.
When they picked up their son a few hours later, Kurt wouldn't stop going on and on about how fun it was and how many friends he had made. He begged for them to let him come back the next day, and before any of the Hummels knew it, Kurt had completed an entire week of VBS and was invited to come back on Sunday morning.
Elizabeth took him to the Sunday service too, even staying to watch the kids perform the songs they'd learned in the past week.
One Sunday became another Sunday and another and another. The Sunday mornings turned into Wednesday nights, and Elizabeth slowly found herself going to the church with Kurt.
And when Kurt came home from school, crying because kids were picking on him and he had no friends, Elizabeth and Burt gently reminded him that he had all the friends he'd met at church. The five year old automatically brightened, and for a while, he stopped caring about the mean children in his class.
Kurt was happiest when he was at church, and Elizabeth figured that, if her son was going to be happy anywhere, it was probably for the best that he was happy at church.
But the good couldn't last forever.
When Kurt Hummel was eight years old, his mother was diagnosed with cancer.
"Stage three breast cancer," he had over heard his mom tell grandma on the phone. That was bad, right?
(He found his mommy crying into his dad's shoulder later that day, so yeah, it was bad.)
That night, Kurt dropped to his knees in front of his bed, just like Pastor Nate had told them to do and prayed.
"Hi, God," he said quietly, so his mom and dad wouldn't hear him. "Pastor Nate says I should do this more often, but I kinda think it's weird talking to someone you can't see... But, God, the doctors say that my mom was dia... dia-... That my mom has cancer... I don't really know what that is, God, but Mom was crying today, so it's gotta be bad... If you could make her better, please, God, that would be really, really awesome. Thank you... Amen."
Kurt found himself doing that more often, even going as far marching straight up to the big wooden altar his church had and praying loudly in front of everyone when the pastor told them too. Pastor Nate had gotten a little mad at him, but he also quickly joined in when Kurt told him about his mom having cancer.
Kurt prayed to God every night before he went to bed and every morning when he woke up, but his mom just seemed to be getting worse.
She was sick in the hospital a lot, and Kurt found himself alone with his dad more and more. He didn't get to see him mom that much, and when he did, it scared him how small and weak she looked. He hated seeing his mom like that.
So he prayed even harder.
The people he went to church with prayed too; he knew that because sometimes old people he didn't even know would pat him on the shoulder and tell him they're praying for his mom. It was a little creepy at first, but Kurt figured that the more people that asked God to help his mom, the better.
When Christmas time rolled around, Kurt wrote a neat letter to Santa, asking him to help his mother as well. Santa and God were a lot alike, Kurt realized, so he decided it would be good to ask both of them for help.
Christmas came and went, and while it was nice to have his mom home for the holiday, even Kurt could tell that she wasn't doing good. She only could get out of the bed for a few minutes at a time, and she looked much worse than ever before.
Kurt prayed extra hard for his mom in the last few days of 2001, but she passed away before she could see the new year.
It was around that same time that Kurt started doubting whether God was really out there or not.
When Kurt Hummel was twelve, he realized he was gay.
It explained everything. It explained why, when he was five, he would rather play dress up than get dirty and play in the mud. It explained why all the kids at his school would pick on him for being too girly. It explained why he always wanted a Prince Charming, not to be Prince Charming.
It explained why he was beginning to have a crush on Joshua Young.
He was gay; he liked boys, not girls.
The thought was terrifying, really, because Kurt had seen how people treated anyone that was gay. He saw how people would sneer words like "fag" or "fairy" at boys who even seemed a little too girly. People would judge him if they knew he was gay.
But the scariest part of it was that he knew being gay was wrong.
(At least, according to what all the people at church had said.)
Kurt hadn't really gone to church since his mother passed away, leaving just him and his dad, but he still sometimes thought about how invested he had been when he was a kid. Somewhere inside of him, he still held on to the morals that the people at church explained to him as a kid. Sometimes he still opened up his Bible just because.
But these same people that helped him when he was a scared little kid that was being bullied were also the people went around saying that being gay is wrong. These were the same people that would go around yelling about how God hated people like Kurt and how he was going to hell.
It didn't make any sense to Kurt, because the God he'd always believed in was one that was loving and accepted everyone. Granted, he was still angry at God for not helping his mother, but something in Kurt still fought to believe that this supreme deity he'd put so much time to believing in was real and still loved him, even if he was gay.
After all, he was just being himself, and how could God hate him for being who He had made Kurt to be?
When Kurt Hummel was sixteen, his father nearly died.
Waiting in the hospital's waiting room with Miss Pillsbury and Mr. Schuester was probably one of the most agonizing things that Kurt had ever been through. It was right up there with seeing his mom slowly die in front of him—seeing her body deteriorate and get weaker.
The two adults weren't much help, but Kurt was still glad they were there. In a way, just having someone with him during all of this helped him know that he wasn't alone.
But when the doctor came out, telling him of what had happened to his dad and taking him to the his dad's room, Kurt found himself wanting to be alone. He shooed Miss Pillsbury and Mr. Schue away, hoping that they wouldn't see him utterly break down at the sight of his father—his rock—looking so fragile.
Seeing his mother become weaker and weaker was terrifying, but Kurt had been eight when that happened, and he didn't fully understand what was going on. Now, Kurt was sixteen, his father was knocking on death's door, and he could very well become an orphan.
The thoughts were terrifying, and the last thing Kurt needed was the Glee club butting into his personal life.
But it was the Glee club, and of course they had to say something.
Kurt had never... been angry, per se, at Mercedes and Quinn for believing in God. It was their decision, after all, and he didn't even mind them talking about it with him. They believed what they believed, and he believed what he believed.
But yesterday had been one of the worst days in Kurt's life, he hadn't been able to sleep at all last night, and he was already in a sour mood, so when Mercedes decided to sing an (admittedly beautiful) Whitney Houston song, he snapped.
It wasn't an attack on Mercedes in any way, but in no way did Kurt want to involve her God or any other deity in his father's recovery.
After all, none of them had been there when he was a little boy, begging for his mother to be healed, so what would they think of a gay teenager asking to heal his father?
The Glee kids meant well—he knew that—but Kurt couldn't stop himself when Sue Sylvester approached him and told him to file a formal complaint against any religious songs sung in Glee club. He'd been hesitant at first, because normally, he wouldn't have really given a damn, but he didn't need his Glee friends shoving their religions down his throat when his father was in a damn hospital bed. He didn't need them to pray to some non-existent god to heal his dad.
So he filed the complaint.
The others had been disappointed and a little angry with him at first, to which Kurt snapped sourly back at him. He figured that filing a complaint with Figgins and school board would end things, but no.
Someone—it was probably Rachel, damn her—decided it would be a lovely idea for the religious Glee clubbers to come to his father's bedside and sing some sappy religious songs while praying to whatever deity they believed in... without even mentioning any of this to Kurt.
He'd walked in with the specialist to see Rachel Berry crooning at his father's bedside, as if she actually cared about him. It made his blood boil, and it took everything within Kurt not to yell at his friends. In the end, he forced them out of the room, leaving him alone with his father and the woman he'd hired to help wake his dad up.
The next day, just to tick the others off a little but also prove to them that he didn't need a god to have faith in, he sang his own version of I Want to Hold Your Hand by the Beatles.
It brought not only him, but also many of the Glee girls to tears.
When Mercedes insisted upon taking him to his church, where they were apparently dedicating the service to his dad(as if he's already dead?), Kurt found himself waking up on Sunday morning early to go to church for the first time in years.
The church service was absolutely nothing like the little church he went to when he was a kid, but it was... nice. Mercedes looked beautiful, no doubt about it, and she sounded amazing up there with her church choir. No one at the church gave him a second look, for which Kurt was glad.
That afternoon, following lunch with Mercedes' family, Kurt took off his Sunday best and goes for a simple green checkered shirt and a white cardigan.
He found himself sitting at his dad's bedside and contemplating his views on religion for the first time in what feels like forever.
When he was younger, he went to church faithfully, not missing a service unless he was sick. Church was the one place where no one would judge him, and Kurt was happy there. Then, his mother passed away, and he found himself wondering why God would take her away from him when he was so young.
When he first realized he was gay, Kurt had been terrified at how the people of the religion he once belonged to would react. He knew he wouldn't be accepted by these people, and slowly, he found himself being resentful of that fact. How could God make him gay, but then send His followers to tell him he's going to burn in hell?
Now, sitting down next to his comatose father, Kurt came to peace with his views on God any other deities out there.
He didn't believe there is a god out there. He wasn't willing put his faith in a deity that's followers will scorn him like he's some animal. He won't set himself up for disappointment by praying and not being heard.
But Kurt did believe in his father.
He believed in the relationship he had with the man who raised him. He believed in all of the good times that they've had together. He believed in his dad, and he believed that, through the strength of the bond they have together, his father would pull through this.
He believed in his father, and that was all the faith he needed.
When Kurt Hummel was twenty, his boyfriend surprised him in the worst way.
It was the first Sunday that they had been living together, and Kurt was looking forward to sleepy Sunday morning cuddles, a nice breakfast, and a day of relaxation with the love of his life.
What he wasn't expecting was for said love of his life to wake up around 6 AM and get dressed to go somewhere.
Kurt had to hand it to Blaine; he got out of bed, showered, and changed very quietly. Kurt had slept through it all, and he would've slept through Blaine leaving, had his boyfriend not snuck back into their bedroom and kissed him on the forehead as a goodbye.
He groaned tiredly, pulling a pillow over his head. "Where're you going?" Kurt mumbled.
Blaine chuckled quietly. "Nowhere important," he reassured.
"Then get your ass back in bed."
Again, Blaine laughed. "I will, as soon as I come back," he promised, and Kurt could hear him walking out of their bedroom.
He sat up in their bed, rubbing his eyes tiredly and grabbing his glasses off the nightstand. To his surprise, Blaine wasn't dressed in casual clothes that would be fit for "nowhere important," but rather was wearing something that he would normally reserve for a day in the city, or a nice dinner.
Kurt narrowed his eyes. "You looked too dressed up to be going nowhere, Mister," he said suspiciously. "So, tell me again: where are you going?"
Blaine sighed. "You really remind me of my mom sometimes, Kurt," he said. "But if you really want to know, I'm going to church."
It felt like all the air had left Kurt's body.
"You're going to church?" he demanded. "Blaine, I shouldn't have to remind you, but you're gay."
His boyfriend looked a bit hurt, but he shrugged. "We're in New York City, Kurt," he explained gently. "There are plenty of churches that accept gay people into their congregation."
"Yeah, but isn't it a sin to be gay or something?" Kurt sneered mockingly, all the memories of hateful phone calls and slurs being thrown at him flooding back like a broken dam. "Doesn't God hate fags like us or something?"
Blaine flinched at the use of the slur, and he looked at Kurt sadly. "Maybe a lot of people think that, but the God I believe in loves everyone," he said firmly. "Look, can we just... not talk about this right now? I'm going to be late, Kurt."
Kurt glared at him but nodded, and Blaine sighed in relief. "I'll see you in a couple of hours, Kurt," he said softly. "I love you."
Kurt grumbled back his response as Blaine closed the bedroom door and exited the apartment room. As he sat in bed, arms crossed and face scrunched up into an angry face, Kurt couldn't believe what was going on. Blaine believed in God. Blaine went to church. Blaine, who was as gay as it got—and Kurt of all people would know—believed in the same God that allowed his followers to throw slurs at them and tell them they were going to burn in hell.
It just didn't make any sense.
The few hours that Blaine was at church were excruciatingly painful to get through. Kurt managed to pull himself out of bed and get showered, cursing Blaine under his breath when he found out that it wasn't even seven yet. He sat down at their kitchen table with a cup of coffee and decided to text Sam and Tina to ask them how long Blaine had been going to church.
Neither of them responded for about an hour or so, presumably because they were still asleep, so Kurt plopped down in front of the TV and watched whatever was on. It took a little over an hour, but finally, his phone went off, signaling a response from Tina.
Since like... senior year, maybe? Idk, ask him.
Senior year. Blaine had been going to church since senior year. Well, at least it made sense, because Blaine had never gone when he was at Dalton, or when he had been with Kurt. But still, Blaine had been going to church since his senior year.
That would mean that Blaine had kept this from him for a total of about two-and-a-half years.
Oh, he was so going to get a talk from Kurt when he got home.
When Blaine finally did get home, he was holding two bags—one from a little cafe that Kurt was particularly fond of and the other from the little bakery that sold the best cheesecake he had ever had. He set both bags down on the coffee table and sat down next to Kurt.
Kurt dug through the two bags, quickly finding that Blaine had picked up his favorite meal from the cafe and also his favorite flavor of cheesecake from the bakery. Any other time, Kurt would've laughed at Blaine and teased him a little bit, but he was too angry to joke about anything.
"Mind telling me why you've been hiding from me the fact that you've gone to church since your senior year?" Kurt said expectantly, raising an eyebrow.
Blaine sighed. "I didn't really think it was all that important," he muttered under his breath. "It shouldn't matter."
"It matters because you lied to me, Blaine," Kurt huffed. "You kept something this important from me for two years! That's not okay!"
Blaine closed his eyes, breathing deeply for a few moments. Then, in a scarily quiet voice, he said, "Kurt... did you ever think about why I would hide this from you?"
"No, but do enlighten me, Blaine," Kurt said sarcastically.
"It's because you're you!" Blaine burst. "I know how you feel about religion, especially Christianity, and I knew that if you found out, you would be pissed off about it. But, you know what, it shouldn't matter, because I'm not asking you to believe in God, Kurt. I'm not asking you to believe anything. I'm just going to church like I always do, and you're getting mad at me."
Kurt grimaced slightly. Okay, so maybe he had overreacted a little.
"I just want to know why, Blaine," he said quietly. "Why would you go around and believe in a God that makes you gay, but is okay with His followers yelling horrible things at us? Why would you believe in God, after He let you get beat up for being you? Just... why?"
Blaine stared at him with sad eyes. "It was my senior year," he began in a soft voice. "It was... a little after we broke up. I... after we broke up, Kurt... I was crumbling. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep... I just... I fell into depression—badly."
"It wasn't the first time I'd been depressed, Kurt. After the Sadie Hawkins incident, I just stayed quiet and couldn't bring myself to do anything. It got to the point where I contemplated killing myself... But I got over it. I got better. You helped a lot, really."
"But when you were gone, when I thought I had lost you for good... It was like all hope of every being okay left me. I felt like, even if I did survive, I would never move on from you, and I'd live the rest of my life alone and empty. And somewhere in me, I decided I would rather die than have to live like that."
"I had told Finn that I was quitting Glee and transferring back to Dalton so that they wouldn't interfere with what I was doing. I thought about just ending it that night but... something stopped me. So, I told myself and anyone who would listen that, if there was a god out there, send someone to talk to me and to listen to me tomorrow, and I won't kill myself."
"The next day, when I was taking all of my stuff out of my locker, Sam came up to me. He asked me why I was leaving, and he ended up listening to me explain what no one else had let me explain. And even after I told him what I'd did with Eli, he still told me what I needed to here—that I was a good person and my mistakes didn't define me. Afterwards, we got really close with the superhero stuff, and I eventually told him what I was going to do. He took me to his church one Sunday after that, and... well, I've been going pretty much every Sunday since."
When Blaine finished his story, he stared down at his hands, refusing to look at Kurt.
Kurt... well, Kurt was shocked, to say the least. He knew that Blaine had fallen into depression his senior year, but he'd never known that it had been so bad that his boyfriend almost took his own life.
"I'm not going to say I'm thrilled with you being religious," Kurt said finally, after several moments of tense silence. Blaine looked up at him hesitantly. "I'd be lying if I said I wasn't upset about you not telling me about this and just about you believing in God... It's different, and it's going to take a lot of time to get used to... But I'm not going to stop you from believing in God or going to church. That would just make me a horrible person. At the same time, though... just... don't try and get me to come with you, okay? I just... I don't think I can do that."
Blaine nodded, a small smile forming on his face. "Of course," he said. "I'd never force you to believe something you don't want to."
Kurt smiled. "Now, about that cheesecake you bought..."
When Kurt Hummel(-Anderson) was thirty, his children found out about vacation Bible school.
He and Blaine hadn't really discussed whether or not they should take Lizzie and Finn to church or not, but Kurt was fine with it, as long as he and Blaine didn't become the parents that forced their poor children into going every Sunday. No, Lizzie and Finn could go with Blaine if they wanted, but if they wanted to stop going, then they could.
He was going to bring this up with Blaine, but Lizzie beat them to the punch.
They had been walking around Central Park, when they saw some people passing out brightly colored flyers. Lizzie quickly let go of Blaine's hand, and despite their protests, she marched right up to one of the people passing the pieces of paper out and demanded one.
The woman gladly complied, smiling warmly at the five year old as Blaine, Kurt, and Finn all approached them as well. "Lizzie, don't run away from Papa," Blaine scolded.
The little girl smiled innocently, taking his hand. "Sorry, Papa. I wanted to see the paper."
The woman looked at their family curiously as Blaine talked to Finn and Lizzie, and Kurt stiffened. She was probably another bigot, knowing their luck.
"I know you!" the woman said finally, pointing to Blaine. "Blaine, right?"
Blaine paused, cocking his head curiously at the woman. "Yes... Do I know you?"
She tucked the flyers underneath her arm and held out a hand, grinning. "I'm Jenny," she introduced. "I go to church with you! And I must say, that solo that you performed last week was absolutely beautiful. It's so nice to formally meet you and your family!"
Blaine's expression went from wary to friendly in a matter of seconds, and he shook the woman's hand. "I think I recognize you now," he said sheepishly. "Sorry about that. Jenny, this is my husband, Kurt, and my kids, Lizzie and Finn."
Jenny smiled warmly. "Nice to meet you all. Blaine, you're planning on taking the kids to VBS, right?"
Kurt stiffened at the acronym. God, he hadn't heard that phrase since he was a little kid. He still remembered the thrill he had gotten when his mother explained what vacation Bible school was, and now... Well, now, he was a father that didn't go to church or believe in God, and he had come full circle.
Blaine also looked uncomfortable. "Um, yeah," he said uncertainly. "Sure, if Kurt's alright with it, of course." He glanced at Kurt desperately, as if asking for his help and also apologizing at the same time.
Kurt smiled reassuringly at both of them. "If Lizzie and Finn decide they want to go, then you can bet they'll be there," he promised.
Jenny beamed. "Great! Well, it was nice talking to you all, but I've got to go find some more families to pass these out too! See you on Sunday, Blaine."
As the small woman walked away, Blaine turned to him, breathing a sigh of relief. "Sorry about that," he apologized. "I was going to mention it to you later, but I guess Lizzie beat us to it."
Kurt chuckled. "It's fine. We can talk to them about it later."
(The kids ended up going to VBS with Blaine later that month, and they absolutely loved it.)
When Kurt Hummel-Anderson was thirty-four, he had nowhere to go.
Kurt remembered the last time he had been this hopeless. It was way back, about seventeen or eighteen years ago, when he was just a teenage boy, sitting at his comatose father's bedside, waiting for his dad to wake up. Now, here he was, a full grown man with a daughter and a son, waiting vigil at his comatose husband's bedside.
It had been an accident. Some asshole hadn't been watching the road when Blaine crossed, and Blaine had just went down, according to those around him. The paramedics had rushed over to where Blaine was and got him to the hospital fairly quickly, but it was still bad. Blaine had been severely injured, and the doctors had put him into a medically induced coma. Though his body healed enough for them to stop the medicines and let him wake up, Blaine still hadn't awoken.
The doctors said that wasn't a good sign.
It was hard imagining life if Blaine didn't ever pull himself out of the coma. It was hard imagining having to go through raising his kids on his own. It was hard knowing that his husband was alive, but wasn't there.
It wasn't just hard; it was absolutely terrifying.
Kurt remembered the fear of losing his father and becoming an orphan from all those years ago, and this was just as equally scary, if not scarier, than that experience had been. His husband, the love of his life, was in a hospital room with little chances of waking up.
He didn't know what to do.
Blaine would probably be angry at him for leaving the kids with Rachel and Jesse while Kurt stayed vigil at his bedside, but Kurt couldn't bring himself to care. He was disgusting, exhausted, and ready for all of this to be over, but he could only be pulled away from Blaine when Rachel threatened to not care of the kids if he didn't rest and take care of himself for a little while.
So Kurt did just as Rachel instructed, treading tiredly out of the hospital and hailing a cab to head home. When he came back to the apartment, it was eerily empty, and it hurt just to be there without Blaine and the kids. He managed to get past this, however, and showered before falling into his bed, alarm set for about eight-thirty in the morning.
Sleep came easier than he thought it would, and before Kurt knew it, his phone was blaring out a catchy showtune to wake him up. He groaned in protest, but eventually pulled himself out of bed, showering again and slipping some clothes and his glasses on before he headed back to the hospital.
It was a little past nine o'clock when Kurt made it up to Blaine's room with a cup of hot coffee in his hand. As he approached the room, he heard the soft harmonies of Jesse, Rachel, their daughter, and his kids filling the hospital room.
My God is mighty to save...
Kurt peaked his head into the room to see Rachel, Annie, and Finn on one side and Jesse and Lizzie on the other side, hands grasped together. His children were holding on to Blaine's limp hands, singing along to the unfamiliar song quietly as Jesse mainly led all of them.
It reminded him all too much of when Rachel, Mercedes, and Quinn thought it'd be okay to pray for his dad all those years ago.
The song came to an end, and Kurt finally stepped into the room. "Had I known you were going to make this into a church service, I would've waited to come."
It came out harsher than he intended, but it still got the point across as Rachel flinched and Jesse looked guilty. Lizzie and Finn both gave him a hug, and Kurt got the kids settled into playing on his phone so he could talk to Rachel and Jesse.
"I thought you would've learned after last time, Rachel," Kurt said quietly, pulling both adults to one side of the room. "I'm not religious. I don't need you going around and praying for my husband."
Rachel looked offended, and Jesse jumped to her rescue. "You might not be religious, but Blaine is," he pointed out with narrowed eyes. "You're just being selfish, Kurt. Put aside your own beliefs for once and do what's best for your husband. Blaine needs this. The kids need this. And to be honest, I think you do too."
Kurt grimaced, sputtering as his tried to find words. He knew that Blaine believed in God; he knew that his kids believed in God. Still, it was difficult seeing everyone being all religious around his, as if it was going to better the health of his husband.
When he finally got control of his voice, Kurt put on his best bitch face and sneered at the couple. "Fine," he snapped. "You guys can continue on with your little church service. Tell me if it works, because it certainly didn't when my mother was dying of cancer."
With that, he stormed out of the room, straight down to the main floor, and out of the hospital. Tears stung his eyes, and he furiously wiped them away, stomping down the street and away from the hospital. He had no idea where he was going, but he knew he just needed to get away.
It wasn't fair.
It wasn't fair that all of these people could believe in their gods and go around praying to them, and their god would listen. It wasn't fair that people could go around talking about a god who loved everyone, but would then turn around and scream horrible names at him. It wasn't fair that whatever god actually existed let these things happen.
If God existed, why hadn't He listened to Kurt when he faithfully prayed day and night for his mother to be healed? He'd just been a child when she passed away; what kind of deity thought it was okay to take a mother away from her child?
If God existed, why did He make Kurt gay but send his followers around to sneer at Kurt and tell him he was going to hell? Why would a god make him gay but then go around and say it's a sin to be who he was born?
He just couldn't understand how anyone could expect him to believe in a god that took his mother away from him when he was a kid, made him gay, and sent his followers to condemn him to hell. How anyone could believe in a deity that just sat up in the sky, watching as people go through horrible things each and every day, was still a mystery to Kurt.
As he walked aimlessly through the streets of New York, Kurt found himself singing the song that the Glee club had chosen at the end of that week to sing, so many years ago.
"If God had a name, what would it be and would you call it to His face? If you were faced with Him in all his glory what would you ask if you had just one question?"
Tears dripped down his face and people looked at him oddly, but Kurt just kept singing the song quietly as he walked away from the hospital. Eventually, he found himself standing at the entrance of a large building, with a sign that read First United Methodist Church.
Kurt recognized the name. It was the church that Blaine and Jesse took the kids to every Sunday. It was the church that Blaine had been attending ever since he moved to New York City.
It was only Saturday, but some of the lights were on in the church, so Kurt hesitantly pulled open the door and stepped inside. A cool breeze of air hit him, and he shivered slightly, looking around the church.
It was well decorated, for a church, at least. The carpet was a weird pattern that made Kurt crinkle his nose and paint clashed with most of the decorations, but it was nice for the most part. The foyer was rather large, so Kurt found himself wandering around until he found the sanctuary.
At the very front of the sanctuary, right before the stage, there was a large wooden altar. Memories of his childhood flashed through his mind, and Kurt walked hesitantly up to the altar and knelt down like he'd done when he was child and how he'd seen Blaine and their kids do.
The pictures of Jesus and all the other prophets and stuff stared down at him, and Kurt shifted uncomfortably. What was he doing here? He didn't believe in God anymore.
Still, something was telling him to speak, if not just his own inner self that needed to vent to anyone. Maybe talking to himself in a church, kneeling at the altar, wasn't the best place to vent, but he was already here, so Kurt figured he might as well.
"You're kind of a jerk, you know?" he started, looking up to the cross hanging on the wall. "If you exist, that is. I used to believe in you; I really did. I loved the thought of some amazing deity being up there, looking out for me. It was... really nice, as a kid, knowing that someone is up there."
He paused, glancing around the empty room, before continuing. "But then you gave my cancer... I just... I prayed to you, you know? Did you just... not hear me or something or did you just choose to ignore me? Either way, when she died... I just couldn't find much reason to keep coming back to someone who would take my mom away from me. Me, an eight year old kid, who didn't even have a good concept of death yet. Me, who had barely any friends. You took my mom away from me."
Kurt brushed the tears away from his eyes. "And then you had the audacity to make me gay," he added angrily. "Don't get me wrong, I know who I am, but do you know how much hell I've gone through because of who I am? What kind of god would make someone gay but tell his followers that being gay is wrong? What kind of sick joke is that?"
"And my dad.. You nearly took my dad away from me when I needed him the most!" Kurt's voice raised to a little louder than his normal speaking voice. "I already felt so alone at school, and then you nearly killed the one person that would always listen to me. You knew I would be an orphan if he died, but you still decided to make him have a heart attack and almost have him die."
"And let's not forget, someone thought it would be hilarious that my very gay husband should become religious! Because, after all the hell I've gone through in my life, having someone so close to be me religious is just hilarious, isn't it? And then my kids decide to become religious too! Just the cherry on top of the cake!"
Kurt paused, blinking furiously. "Then you almost take my husband away from me," he whispered in a choked voice. "You decide that poor Kurt shouldn't even have a break and his husband should be in a serious accident that puts him into a coma! That's really nice of you! Use one of your own followers and nearly kill him to make me miserable! And because it's me, it won't stop there. Blaine will probably die too."
At this point, Kurt couldn't stop crying, his shoulders shaking. He put his hand to his mouth, letting out a small sob, before the dam broke, and he found himself utterly sobbing.
"Why?" he whimpered. "Why would you do this to me? Why won't you listen to me?"
He must've sat there for several minutes, brokenly crying and repeatedly looking up and questioning some more. He sat completely alone, with no one coming to help him.
"Bring him back to me," Kurt finally whispered, voice hoarse. "If you do any good thing for me, please let him live. He believes in you, our kids believe in you... I can't be like them, but for their sake, if you're really out there, let Blaine wake up. Please."
It took Kurt several more minutes to compose himself, but finally, he wiped his face of all tears, standing up on wobbly legs and stumbled out of the sanctuary. As he walked out into the foyer, he took one last glance at the altar, before walking back outside and in the direction he came from.
The next day, when Kurt was sitting alone with Blaine, he felt Blaine's hand weakly squeeze his own. Blaine didn't regain consciousness that day, but he slowly became more and more coherent. Finally, nearly two weeks after the doctors took him out of the medically induced coma, Blaine opened his eyes, looking confused and exhausted.
The road to recovery was difficult after Blaine awoke, but with physical therapy and support from his family and friends, Blaine was able to make a full recovery. He was back on his feet and working again a little under a year after the accident.
Kurt never mentioned his trip to the church to Blaine or anyone, for that matter, but he always kept it in the back of his mind. He still couldn't bring himself to really believe in a god, but at least that one time, if God existed, he finally listened to Kurt.