Casey Cartwright-London sat in her perfectly beige, perfectly decorated, extremely spacious office and glared at the computer in front of her. Her mother had sent her yet another e-mail about Thanksgiving. She had already told the woman she was far too busy to make it home. Besides, Adam, her five year old son, was just getting over being sick. It wasn't a good time for her to be traveling. Truth be told, she hadn't been feeling well herself.
If she did manage to make it back to Chicago for the holiday, she would have to turn around and come right back to Washington. She had meetings planned for most of the following Monday.
She wasn't like Rusty. She couldn't drop everything and run off at a moment's notice. She envied his position as an independent contractor for N.A.S.A.. It meant that he could take off and go home for a few days if he wanted.
She, on the other hand, had obligations, commitments. True, the election was over, but the Senator that her campaign had put into office was already rallying her for work with other candidates for the next years campaign trail. Her work wasn't over just because the election had ended. No, in fact, it was just beginning all over again.
That was the price she paid for being the best campaign manager money could buy.
The buzzer on her desk trilled obnoxiously and she stabbed the intercom button with her finger.
" I thought I said I didn't want to be disturbed." She fumed.
" I know." Her assistant's voice answered, completely non-plussed by her tone. " But Mr. London is on line one and he says its important. I thought it might be about Adam."
Casey sighed and instantly regretted her outburst. Of course there was a reason that Lauren wasn't honoring her wishes. " Fine, I'm sorry." She told her. " Thank you for letting me know."
She snatched up the phone and pushed the button to connect the line.
" Is Adam okay ?" She asked, before even saying hello.
" Adam is fine." A deep, bass-filled voice assured her. " But I just got off the phone with your mother and apparently we are going to Chicago for Thanksgiving."
She let out a frustrated, groan of exasperation. " I have already told her I couldn't come." She ground out between her clenched teeth.
" Casey, you said you wanted a chance for us to get together so we could go over our plans. You wanted an opportunity to discuss the situation with Adam." He explained patiently and it unnerved her even further.
" I wasn't thinking that my parent's house over the Thanksgiving holiday would be the ideal setting for our divorce discussion." She spat angrily.
" Well, I disagree. I think it would be the perfect place. Its away from everything and we'll have no distractions. Your mother thought it was a brilliant idea." He argued jauntily.
" My mother would agree to bomb D.C. If she thought it would make me run home for the holidays."Casey muttered.
" I want a chance to spend one last holiday with our son together before we have to tell him about the divorce. He isn't going to buy the excuse that I'm out of town much longer, Casey." His voice was still so patient.
" So you want to explain to our five year old over his Thanksgiving turkey that his daddy is living with is secretary now." She bit off.
" I'll see you in Chicago on Wednesday, Casey. You have a lovely week."
She slammed the phone down and buried her head in her hands.
She wasn't sure how long she sat like that, letting her mind roam endlessly down dark paths that she normally didn't allow it to linger in for long. It was easier to keep busy. To keep moving, to not indulge herself in these moments of pondering where her choices had taken her.
She ran a long, manicured fingernail across the grain of the wood in her desk drawer. She wanted to stop herself, to end this bout of self pity and just move on to something else.
But there was a part of her that told her she was being ridiculous. Her five year marriage was ending and not dealing with that fact was only going to make it worse in the end. She needed to grant herself a few moments of indulgence, a few moments to just break down.
Her hand fit over the wooden pull for the drawer and she slowly slid it open, retrieving a thick, paper-clipped set of papers from its recesses.
Her eyes scanned over the black words, not actually seeing them. Instead her memories had already taken her somewhere far away and distant to her now.
She saw Christmas' of the past, many different Christmas mornings, some the best of her life ( Adam's third ) , some the worse ( Adam's first). Halloweens and Easters, Thanksgivings, birthdays and independence days. Celebrations and sorrows. Always the three of them. Always together. Richard and Adam and herself, a family.
And with something as simple as her signature, it would be gone. Twenty-one letters was all it took for her to destroy her family. All she had to do was sign and it was over.
Over like all her other relationships.
She had decided there was something wrong with her. Something broken inside her soul that caused things to always fall apart.
Her chest flipped as she thought about all her past loves, her heart doing a little dance as she conjured a picture of Evan from the recesses of her memories. She grasped hold of the image of his smile with more difficulty than she imagined she'd have. His memory was like a photo ruined by the rain, runny and blurred around the edges. A face she thought she'd never forget now seemed distant and far away.
Max was worse. Of course she hadn't been with him nearly as long as any of the others, but she still placed him along with them in her mind. She had loved him, even if, for a very short time. But he, like Evan was hard to see through the murkiness of the years that separated them. He was fading from her view and she felt as if, maybe if she didn't bring his image to the surface and dust it off occasionally, one day she would find that she couldn't remember him at all.
That thought scared her more than a little. After all, wasn't a person just made up more or less from the memories they carried ? It was the very thing that made everyone unique.
Her mind jumped to a new track entirely and his bright, charming, croaked smile filled her mind without warning. The dazzling blueness of his eyes startled her. Somehow, his image wasn't frayed at all. Cappie was just as clear in her mind as it was the last time she'd seen him. Through the adult image she'd encountered briefly a few years after graduating wasn't the one she remembered.
No, she saw the boy, with his bangs falling into his face, and his quirky grin and his torn blue jeans and t-shirts. She remembered his eyes uncreased and his face as smooth as porcelain under his customary stubble of light, reddish brown beard.
The older image of him came to her finally, the one she'd run into in Chicago three years after she left Cyprus Rhodes. His eyes hadn't seemed as bright to her even on the sunny sidewalk of a windy spring. Subtle lines pinched the skin at the corners of his eyes and his smile hadn't been nearly as light or as bright, even after he recognized her and called her name. She hadn't known him at first, not with the fully grown in goatee and his tie and dress pants.
He wasn't the Cappie was remembered and it was hard for her to merge the two images together. But after a couple of drinks the boy began to emerge and it warmed her heart to know that he hadn't changed completely.
Something about knowing he was still out there in the world, being just as Cappie as he always had been had made it easier for her to continue on her path. It reassured her to know that he still survived.
She had keep an update on everything that was happening with him through Rusty. She tried to seem disinterested and nonchalant when she inquired after him and Rusty always made her ask. He never just volunteered the information. It was like his way of teasing her even through they were grown and well past all that.
Cappie had not had an easy life after CRU and there were many times when she wanted nothing more in the world than to run to him. To find him where ever he was and comfort him in times that she felt he might need her. Like when his father died. Rusty had told her it hit Cappie pretty hard. It was an unexpected thing that no one could have predicted. And apparently it had sent the normally easy going, jovial man into a darkness that caused Casey to cringe when Rusty told her about him.
Alcohol and women had been his drugs of choice. There was nothing unusual in that. It was Cappie's way of coping with every problem in his life. When things became to much for him, those were his crutches.
Just when she was on the verge of demanding Rusty tell her where she could find Cappie the next time she saw him, Rusty told her that Cappie was engaged. Not just engaged, but engaged to Rebeca Logan. The thought made her insides spasm, even after all the years that had passed since the incident.
She heard about the wedding second hand. Rusty had served as an usher and came back with a blow by blow account of the happy occasion. Casey pretended to not be interested in any of them, though secretly she hung on every word and died a little with each detail.
She clearly recalled that, that night had been the night she decided to accept Richard's proposal. She had been putting off making a decision about marrying Richard, until that night. The night Rusty called her and told her all about Cappie's happy event. She didn't know why, but it seemed that even after all those years, he was still influencing the choices she made.
Richard had been wonderful. He swept her off her feet while helping her gain her footing in the world of politics. He was a powerful man in Washington, a political correspondent for ABC, a man everyone knew and respected. He found her while she was still fresh out of school, a brand new face on the politics scene and he formed her, molded her into one of the most sought after campaign managers in the business.
But then, that was what Casey did. She got formed, molded. She was easily influenced and even more easily fooled.
She had believed that Richard had helped her along her way because he wanted to see her realize her dreams, because he wanted her to achieve her goals. She wanted to believe that he had helped her because he loved her. But, as she quickly found out, his real motivations had been entirely self involved.
Of course he wanted to help her. Because helping her got him an inside track to whatever candidate she was working for. The first time she had come home to rant and rave about her candidates misdeeds, only to find the next morning they were headline news, had almost broken her heart.
She had ended their relationship only to find that many of the doors that were open to her career wise, were now closed since his name and byline weren't associated with hers any longer.
Then she found out about Adam. Crawling back to Richard had been one of the most humiliating and painful things she had ever made herself do. But she realized she needed him. She needed his name and his associates, his leverage and his stature. It seemed ironic to her that she hadn't ever considered Evan to be a powerful man. She had never dated him because of who he was, though nearly everyone, including Evan, assumed that was one of her reasons. She had been outraged that anyone had thought so little of her. Now here she was, married to a man that she was with for exactly those reasons.
She tried to remember back to a time when she loved Richard. She knew there was one. Early on in their marriage, because she had managed to convince herself, for a while at least, that she was marrying him because she loved him and because they were going to have a baby. She remembered making herself giddy with happiness over the family that she could call hers. They were married five months before Adam was born. And the birth of their son had changed everything between them.
He put on a good show, convincing her that he loved her and the life they had created. Casey talked herself into believing that he was the perfect man for her. It was easy to dwell on his charm and his brilliant smile and his dark smoldering eyes. He was a beautiful man, so polished and cultured. So strong and mature, wise and confident.
She had been overwhelmed by him and she made Richard and Adam the center of her universe. She adored them both, completely. In her mind, she told herself that her life couldn't be anymore perfect.
Then Rusty appeared and spent a few days with her. Over a cup of coffee while they were by themselves one morning, he told her about Cappie's divorce.
Something changed in her then. Something about the way she looked at Richard became altered. Looking back, she could almost forgive him most of his misdeeds, placing the blame firmly on herself instead. She had, after all, changed, practically overnight.
She no longer had time to be the adoring wife, though she never faltered from being a mother and as Adam grew, their bond solidified even as her marriage became a broken shambles.
She found herself bored by Richard more times than not. His culture and refinement began to grate on her, causing an even wider drift as the months went on. They started arguing over the simplest things. And Casey always felt responsible when the fight ended. It was always her that came running back, begging for forgiveness. Richard was also a stubborn, proud man and admitting he was wrong was something he was just incapable of.
So, in order to bring some peace back to her life, she always caved, always was the one that ran up the white flag and surrendered to his wishes. It wasn't until after a few years of this, that she realized how much each of those surrenders were really costing.
She started to resent him. Every time she found herself sitting at the symphony when all she'd wanted to do was stay home and enjoy a night in, it grew. Every time she found herself at a fancy restaurant that Richard had chosen instead of grabbing a pizza somewhere quiet, it grew. Every time she didn't do something she wanted to do, or missed out on an opportunity she would have enjoyed because he wanted something different, it grew.
Richard, meanwhile, was growing accustomed to getting his way. So accustomed to it that he simply began to expect it. He had long since accepted that she would argue a bit, but he knew from experience, if he just pushed a little, he would win any argument, get his way every time.
She fought against her giggle as it occurred to her that Richard was an overgrown brat.
It wasn't until after a visit from Ashleigh that her eyes had opened to what she had created.
And it all came from a little off-handed comment, not intentionally meant to be life altering or devastating. It was just Ash, being her normal observant self.
She'd pulled Casey aside one night, after Richard and Adam were both tucked into their beds and they were enjoying a quiet moment of catching up. Over a glass of red wine, Ashleigh had leaned close to her and gave her a smile and said, " I've never seen you drink wine before. I didn't think you liked it."
Suddenly, Casey was hauled back nearly ten years to a time in a nearly forgotten place. She and Ashleigh were at Dobler's. It was the first time she'd met Travis, Ashleigh's high school boyfriend. She remembered watching Ashleigh sipping wine and thinking Ash doesn't like wine. God, look at what that man turned her into. Why can't she just stand up for herself ? Why is she letting him push her around like that ?
Casey had immediately jumped up, found an old bottle of margarita mix and adopted a new way of thinking as she and Ashleigh downed the pitcher.
The next morning, despite her hangover, she told Richard that she was changing their plans for the evening. She didn't feel like going to the Opera. She wanted to see a movie and that was what she was going to do. Richard had been taken aback by her sudden change in attitude. At first, he assumed it was another of her little fits and that she would back down eventually. But that night he found himself sitting alone at the Opera, sullen and pouting like a child.
A new pattern began to erupt for them and it involved fighting a lot more than they had before, mostly because Casey no longer caved to his demands. She was no long interested in keeping the peace between them. She had found her long, unused voice and she was flexing its muscle, quiet loudly on more than one occasion.
The thing that really changed for Casey was when she realized that she no longer felt guilty over their fights. It occurred to her that if Richard loved her as much as she loved him, occasionally he would want to make her happy. He'd want to hear her opinion. He'd want to indulge her.
He began to spend less and less time at home, knowing that each new decision, from what to eat to how to go about disciplining their rambunctious three year old, all lead to another fight.
Casey started to see that the images of the man in her mind and the reality of the one in her bed weren't the same and probably never had been. She tried so hard for years to fit him into the mold in her mind and it destroyed her when she realized that it wasn't possible. She wasn't in love with the man he really was. She was in love with the man she wanted him to be, a recreation in her head that had nothing to do with who he was.
Nothing brought that more into focus than when she came home early from a business trip and found him and his secretary in their bed.
Apparently, she learned, the affair had been going on for longer than she wanted to think about. Jill, the shameless, red haired, bitch thought she might be pregnant and Richard wanted a divorce.
He had been planning on telling Casey when she returned two days later.
Casey thought, maybe it was better to have seen the whole thing with her own eyes. Though, the image of his mistress wrapped up in her robe as they sat at the kitchen table discussing everything was one she would never be able to erase from her mind.
Now as the shadows outside her window began to turn darker, heavier, she realized something else.
Even as she tried to muster up some sort of mourning over her ending marriage. She found she just couldn't. Too much had happened between them, there was too much water under the bridge. She was numb. Had been numb for longer than she could remember. She couldn't recall the last time she felt anything real at all.
Everything was a show for her. Every emotion was there because it was what was expected of her. Inside, she felt nothing. She was neither happy nor sad that her marriage was over, it simply was what it was.
The thought that something so monumental in her life ending, left her without a single tear to shed scared her. It made her wonder if she were even human at all anymore. Nothing seemed to matter to her except Adam. He was the one thing that could bring a smile to her face, no matter what else was happening in her life. He was the one thing that made her jump out of bed in the mornings so she could hurry to see his smile. He was the one thing that made her happy, made her life worth living. The one thing that made her feel something more than empty and numb.
She shook her head to clear her thoughts and reached for the intercom as it beeped again.
" Yes, " She answered in a much quieter tone this time.
" Your mother is calling for you. Should I tell her you're busy ?" Lauren asked.
" No, put it through and clear the Friday after Thanksgiving for me. I'm going home for the holidays."She announced without enthusiasm.
" I thought you were staying home." Lauren commented, her voice careful.
" I guess I've had a change of plans. I'm going to spend it in Chicago with my family."
Lauren put the call through without anymore comment for the moment, though Casey was sure that her assistant would have plenty to say about the whole situation at some point. Lauren was nothing if not opinionated and Casey considered her friend as well as an assist. So she knew there would be at least some discussion about her plans. Casey was just grateful that she was letting it drop for the time being.
She picked up her receiver and pushed the blinking button on the phone.
" Yes, Mom ?"
" Richard tells me you've changed your mind and you're coming home after all." Her mother gushed. Casey could almost see the smile in her words. And it warmed her heart. She hadn't been intentionally trying to hurt her mother by refusing the invitation.
" Yes, Adam and I will be there on Wednesday night. I'm to make all the arrangements today." She assured her.
" That's wonderful, Casey. I can't wait to see you. Though I do wish it was under better circumstances. Richard says you two are having some trouble and he thought this weekend would do you a world of good."
Casey bit her lip and swore under her breath. Richard had lied. Her first reaction was to clarify the misunderstanding immediately. She didn't want her parents to be under the impression that she and Richard were trying to work things out in their marriage. There was nothing left to work out. It was over. And she wanted them to know that.
But her mother's next words stopped her short.
" Casey, I know you're separated. But I'm really glad you're trying to fix things. I want you to be happy. Richard made you happy at least for a while. I'm really hoping that you can find the answers to fix whatever's broken between you while you're here. Adam deserves the best of everything and having his parents stay together is what's best."
She wanted to argue. To explain to her mother that having his parents stay together even though they hated each other, couldn't possibly be in Adam's best interest.
But the sound of years of her mother's disappointing tones came back to her and she paused even with her mouth open to tell her the truth.
She could wait. She'd wait to tell her parents until after the Holidays. Telling them over the phone was far easier than having to see their disappointment in their eyes.
" I'll see you when we get there, Mom. Is there anything I can bring ?" She asked instead.
" Just bring my grandson and your husband and yourself. I'll have everything else taken care of. Rusty is even bringing a friend along. We should have a house full of people. It'll be just like old times." Her mother was bubbling with excitement at having her scattered family back under one roof.
It made Casey smile and she resolved to herself that she was going to make her mother's holiday the best she could manage. Even if she had to lie a little. Her mother deserved one last Thanksgiving with her whole family together.