Pale, a csi: miami fanfic

Pale

Disclaimer: Neither the song nor the show belongs to me.

Summary: Calleigh's thoughts on her first day back at work.

Author's Note: A million thanks to Nikki for beta reading the story and making it more readable. Thank you!

The song is 'Pale' by Within Temptation.

The world seems not the same
Though I know nothing has changed
It's all my state of mind
I can't leave it all behind
I have to stand up to be stronger

Everything seems so strange as I'm standing in front of the MDPD building. It's as if the whole world has changed since I last stood here two months ago. But actually nothing has changed but me and my life. Everything else has remained the same. I can see the same cars parking in front of the building and the same people following their daily routine. And I know that when I step into the lab, the same faces will greet me. Everyone whom I work with will be there. Everyone but him. I shudder at this.

I'm the only thing here that has changed. Yes. I am not the same Calleigh as the one who stood here last time. No. Because that Calleigh was happy and content with her life, she felt like everything in the world was alright. That Calleigh had a husband and a future which she couldn't wait to live because she felt that every new day would bring something wonderful. No, I'm not that woman anymore. I feel lonely and afraid of the future which I know cannot bring anything but a constant fight to be able to make myself go on.

I have to try
To break free
From the thoughts in my mind
Use the time that I have
I can say goodbye
Have to make it right
Have to fight
'Cause I know in the end it's worthwhile
That the pain that I feel slowly fades away
It will be all right

Go on. It's so damn difficult.

I'm about to take the first step in my attempt of going on but I hesitate for a second… Am I really able to do this? I feel so weak and frightened. The old Calleigh didn't know these feelings. She was so strong.

But I guess it doesn't matter now. I'm determined to do this so I start walking towards the entrance.

I know
I should realize
Time is precious
It is worthwhile
Despite how I feel inside
Have to trust it'll be alright
Have to stand up to be stronger

I stop at the door. My hand is shaking as I reach for the doorknob. I'm not strong enough for this. If I open this door I will be greeted by the always clean and tidy lab. There will be no traces of the shooting two months before. Somehow I find it offending. As if, by changing the glass walls and cleaning up the ruins, everything would be alright again. But it won't. Not to me.

But I made a promise to myself, a promise to him and I want to keep it.

I enter.

As fast as I can, I make my way towards the locker room. I don't want to meet anybody. I know I can't avoid meeting other people but I don't want to face them just yet. I don't want to see their looks. I don't want to see their pity. I'm sick of it. And I can't bear the fact that the same people who were hugging us on our wedding day not so long ago and wishing us a happy life together now look at me as if I were the most pitiable creature on Earth. I feel like that, actually, but they shouldn't remind me of it. I really don't need it.

It feels strange being here again. I haven't been here since that day.

I know, as everybody else, that I always was the type who tried to get over bad things by working as much as possible. And that was what everybody was expecting me to do… But seeing your husband getting shot in the corridor of your workplace makes it rather difficult, doesn't it?

Oh, this night is too long
Have no strength to go on
No more pain I'm floating away

Through the mist I see the face
Of an angel, calls my name
I remember you're the reason I have to stay

I spent the last two months at home. At our home. It was so empty without him. Just like me. When I lost him, I lost myself as well. I didn't know what to do with my life. The truth is that I forgot what its purpose was before I met him. Maybe there wasn't any at all... Maybe this is what happens when you wake up every morning, not because of yourself, but because of somebody else...

I felt like I had no place in this world anymore. I spent many long nights just sitting with my gun in my hand, staring at it. It would have been so easy... But something held me back. Maybe it was him...

I'm standing in front of my open locker. Oh how I wish he was here.

I look at our picture and his mere smile gives me the support I need to gather my strength.

I still feel the pain and I'm sure that it will be always there. It doesn't matter that it can gradually weaken with time because the scars will always be there. It's still so strong. Yes, it's killing me. But I don't feel empty anymore. I found the purpose of my life. He helped me find it. I smile. He always helped me and he still does it even though he isn't here anymore.

Now I have something to live for. I know I lost him and I will never get him back but I will be strong and I will live my life for him and for our child growing inside me.

I hear the door open while I'm standing in front of my open locker deep in my own thoughts. Eric steps in with a smile on his face. What happened to the 'oh-I'm-so-sorry-Calleigh'-look?

"Hey, Cal! You are really here!" I turn towards him and nod smiling. "Are you ready? We have a body on the beach."

"Yes, I'm ready." And I mean it. I'm ready to go on.

I close my locker and take a last look at the name on it. WOLFE. This name carries everything that I wanted in my life and everything I lost within seconds. But it is also everything for which I have to live.

Yes. I will fight and I will be alright.

THE END