June 25th 2002 - 2:02 pm

It is hot. I mean really hot. The sun is beating down on all of England mercilessly as if judging us all for our sins. The moment my foot stepped outside my house it felt like I jumped in a pool with my clothes on. Still I went to work, saved some people, went back home, left to end up at the same bar I always went to. It is routine now that the regulars at the very bar no longer pay me any attention. I think I like alcohol too much. A little too much for Hermione at least since she is making me write in this journal every day. Though truthfully I neglected to write for three months which didn't work so well when I got caught this morning. There are a few things in this world you don't want to face and one of them is an angry Hermione.

Now here I am locked in my room like a school kid forced to write in this journal. Though I can't say it's the worst thing in the world to happen to me but still writing down how I feel and what I do for the day isn't what I consider to be fun. Hermione argues that if I write in it enough it will become habit. It's going to be a while before I change but I guess getting everything off my chest is a good place to start.

So who am I? My name is Harry James Potter. To the world I am their savior, to my friends I am a hero, to my enemies I am nothing more then half-blood scum but to me I am just Harry. Nothing more, nothing less. I will confess though that I am a large pile of emotion that if I don't get it together will one day consume me; I fear it. I run from it the only way I know how, other then obliviating myself, drowning myself in alcohol.

June 25th 2002 - 5:24 pm

I hate the world. Well not everyone in it just those that won't leave me the fuck alone. I know I destroyed Voldemort! I know I saved all the wizarding world! I know I am the strongest wizard alive! But that doesn't make me super human! I can't be in so many places at once! I can't save everyone! Why does everyone blindly blame me for every disaster that happens! How can I be to blame? I try so hard to save people and THIS is how they repay me by...by...thinking that I am a tool to be used instead of a person who deserves peace and quiet?

Why is it that every death that happens people stare at disgust at me like it was all my fault, like I was the one who conjured the curse, like I was the one to torture, like I was the one to kidnap! Nothing is right with this picture! I just don't understand! Don't they understand that I lost people too? That if I could I would have done anything to save them? If I was capable of it all then Fred, Snape, Moody, Collin, Lavender, Dumbledore, Sirius, Remus, Tonks, and so many more people who I cared for would still be alive! WHY IS IT MY FAULT THAT THERE IS EVIL PEOPLE IN THE WORLD!

I don't want to be the savior anymore.

I don't want to be the boy-who-lived. Twice.

I just want to be Harry. I want to be me. Sob.

June 28th 2002 - 3:00 am

I don't know what got into me today. Or actually for that matter what got into Draco Malfoy. Here I was sitting in my regular spot in the back of the pub minding my own business to see my former rival tip toe in looking around fearfully before spotting me in the back. I almost shrank away as he approached me swiftly and taking a seat in front of me like he owned the place. Like we were friends forever. What does he expect? I just smile and wave and let him just do as he pleases? No way! Well maybe since I didn't tell him to go...I was kind of getting tired of sitting alone and drowning in alcohol. I needed an escape and if Draco Malfoy was it I wasn't going to let the opportunity pass.

"Wasn't expecting you here, Potter," Draco growled taking a jug of beer that Frank, the owner, placed in front of him.

"Well that is stupid thing to say Malfoy coming from you," I retort watching as Malfoy's perfect eyebrows raise in question at me, "I mean isn't this place a little run down for you?"

"I needed a change of venue," Malfoy sighed taking a big jug from the bear.

"Why?" I asked.

"None of your business, Potter," Malfoy spat a little harsher then he used too meaning I was trudging a little too close to home.

"Okay fine," I sigh, "what is it you want to talk about Malfoy?"

"Nothing," he said blinking in surprise.

"There has to be something for you to sit in front of me," I press, "we never really saw eye to eye last time we met remember?"

"We were kids Potter," Malfoy spoke softly, "I have changed since my school days thank you very much, it seems like you haven't. Plus, I don't like sitting alone and your face was the only one familiar in this crowd."

That was it. All our conversation. We just sat in front of each other drinking until Frank decided we both had enough. It's a good thing Frank is my friend because I think I would have died a long time ago due to alcohol abuse. Though seeing Malfoy's face was funny and kind of cute. He looked like a kid surprised to see his favorite toy taken away from him. Looked like a true lost pup. At the moment I could have kissed him. Wait. Scratch that. Me kiss Malfoy? Ugh, no. I am straight! Just because Ginny and I decided to see where the flow takes us doesn't mean I am into men!

I think writing is making me think weird.

June 29th 2002 - 4:00 pm

Got locked up again when I told Hermione I was done writing in this sodding journal but of course she would not hear it. Though secretly I escaped through my window and left to the pub I always frequented. To my surprise though Malfoy was sitting there staring at his half empty glass of beer wishing itself to refill. It would if you finished it and shook the glass but I guess he was waiting for me to continue. I was about to leave but somehow I found myself sitting in front of him instead.

"Malfoy," I nod before picking up my own beer.

"Potter," Malfoy nods back.

"How can I be of service?" I say smiling a bit.

"Pansy thinks I shouldn't go drink alone but I told her I found a drinking partner," Malfoy said looking down again, "sorry to use you as an excuse."

"It's...it's fine I guess," I say, "takes the mind off things that you don't want to talk about when your around someone your not really comfortable with."

"We could be friends you know," Malfoy still looked at the wooden table as if it was the most interesting thing here. I could tell from the look of him that he needed a friend, well a different kind of friend then the ones he had anyway. He looked smaller and more fragile then ever. His hair was a bit messy and there were bags under his eyes like he hasn't slept in a long time. It seemed like Malfoy's heath was deteriorating and the hero-complex, as Malfoy likes to call it, came screaming for me to help him.

"I would like that," I say without thinking making Malfoy pick up his head at a speed I never knew possible.

"Thank you."

And that was all. because the next thing I knew he was gone.

July 4th 2002 - 12:00 am

It has been awhile. I know. Don't hat me though! I just can't seem to wrap my head around Malfoy. I told him we could be friends yet he refused to show up at the pub again until today. And let me tell you he didn't look pleased to be there. As if he was forced to come. Probably Parkinson's idea. Maybe Malfoy wasn't expecting me to say yes to his offer of friendship. Maybe he wished I said no. But I can't let him go on like this and possibly he might become my new obsession. Well better then alcohol if you ask me.

Our meeting went a little like this:

"Potter," Malfoy said checking me out. Yes, checking me out how else do you explain the eyes traveling all over my body?

"Malfoy," I replied and gave him a small smile to reassure him that our newly found friendship hasn't dissipated yet.

"May I sit?" He asked me taking me by surprise.

"You never asked before," I pointed out.

"I know, that was very rude of me to force my self on you," Malfoy gave me a tight nod.

"If I really cared I would have gotten up and left instead of sitting here everyday waiting for you to show up," I say letting my frustration out a bit. I could see Malfoy open and close his mouth before he took a seat in front of me.

And to the drinking we went without another word uttered between us.

July 6th 2002 - 1:08 am

I decided. I am going to make Malfoy my new project. I want to know what makes him tick. I want to know what makes him laugh. I want to know what makes him mad. I want to know everything that is Draco Malfoy. I hope Hermione doesn't read this. As far the Weasleys are concerned Malfoy is dead to them and seeing me even bothering to give Malfoy a second glance would make them all furious. Most of them haven't gotten over the role he played in the war. I just think he was a confused boy who was taught since birth to follow in his father's footsteps. In my head I think Malfoy almost has it worse then all of us. I mean you got to be a little messed up from having the Dark Lord living in your house along with all those messed up people. It does something to your head.

So this journal is both my hub for gathering information and my planner to help Malfoy. I don't know why but that boy is going to get the Gryffindor experience whether he asked for it or not.