We've sat on this rock a hundred times before watching the sunset but today it's different. Usually my dad will hold me close and talk to me about everything, he'd be so animated and engaging and generous with hugs. Today we sit together on this rock and he still holds me close but he's quiet.

It's nearly sunset, his favorite time of day, but instead of talking about the colors and weather patterns he sits there, staring off into the distance. It's when I see the tear roll down his cheek that I can't bear the silence anymore. "Do you think grandma's in heaven, dad?"

I know he heard me because he takes in a deep breath and refocuses his eyes but he doesn't speak for a few minutes. "I don't know Katty. She was such an amazing woman and I love her so much. In my heart I feel that where ever she is she's at peace, I just don't know what that place is."

For a moment I feel in my heart that she's at peace too, it just makes sense. She was always so kind, so happy. She'd been sick for so long and suffered so much that when she finally passed I knew that she was free. But where did she go? Was this the end of her? She loved God and took us to church many times. I know she believed that there was life after death, but what kind of life? Where? With who? Is she happy? Or it's she still suffering fire and brimstone? Was she good enough to go to heaven?

If she wasn't then I don't know who would be. But she loved God, and not the kind of "love" you show for someone who demands it and that scares you like some of the teachers at school. But she loved Him the way you love your mother, the way you love someone that is kind to you, that cares for you, that you talk to whenever you need to feel better about something. And I can't reconcile in my mind this kind God that she loved also welcoming her with endless torment, maybe somebody else, but not her. "Do you think she's with God?" I can't help but question, I wonder what she taught him, if he loved this God too.

I know my mother doesn't really believe in God, she's not like hateful toward him or anything and everyone always says how nice and wonderful my mother is, but sometimes it's hard for me to see it. She says that working in the hospital she sees too much pain and suffering to believe in a God that would allow that to happen. My dad doesn't openly disagree with her but I know he feels differently, he tells me every time we sit on this rock and watch the sunset.

"This whole world tells me that there is a God Katty. It's so beautiful and organized it doesn't make sense to me that we are here on accident. The way the earth spins at just the right as speed, how we are at the perfect distance from the sun, any closer and we'd burn up any further away and we'd freeze. Human beings are very delicate creatures we can only survive in very controlled conditions, there has to be a God running things out there somewhere, I just wish I knew who he is.

There have been people all over the world who find happiness in their God and trust me I've looked for him, I haven't found anyone out there with the truth that speaks to me yet but I think it's out there Katty. I think a God who created and governs this earth, who gave us family and friends to love, would want us to know him. Not so that we can be afraid of him but so that wr can love him and he can love us more openly. This is the God I'm waiting for and I'm looking really hard to find it and when I do I'll give it to you. I really hope one day to find but you have to promise me something Katty. You have to promise me that you'll look for it too and if you find it bring it to me ok?"

This speaks to me more than the chaos theory that my mom believes to be true. "She has to be. Any God who created her would have to want her back, he'd want that jewel back in his crown. I just hope that I can see her again, and in my heart I feel that I will. I think that any God that gives us family to love will allow us to be together forever. That's the truth I'm looking for Katty. That I can be with you and Prim and mom and grandma forever because honestly if we can't then this life doesn't seem worth it, and I can't bring myself to believe that."

I had never even thought that it was possible that we wouldn't be with our loved ones after we died, it had never even occurred to me. For the first time in my short life I allow myself to consider the idea that grandma is not with grandpa, that when I die I might not be go to be with my family. I push it away quickly that doesn't make any sense whatsoever. I can't live a life where that is true.

"I think we'll see her again dad. I can't live this life is that's not true." "Me either Katty. Did I ever tell you who first brought me here? Grandma. This was our secret spot only her and I came here. We'd come and watch the sunset together, talk about stuff. That's why it was my favorite time of day. But do you know why it's my favorite time of day now? Because this is our secret spot now."

Held against his warm body I feel his heartbeat, I feel so peaceful in this moment. Even though my grandma just died and that's difficult to deal with I feel peace right now, a warmth in my heart that only love can bring. Love for my father the love my father has for me the love we have for Prim and mom and grandma even though she's gone. And I just sit there comforted wishing we could stay in this moment forever.

"Oh look Katty!" My father all shouts, the sunset is one of the most beautiful I'd ever seen. Deep red at the horizon that streaks up to purple off the clouds and finally fades into a soft orange. Its amazing, and that's what I hear my father sniffle. It's not just a single tear anymore my father is openly crying. "What's wrong dad?" I thought this was supposed to be a happy moment between us.

"When grandma was sick, the last time I brought her out here, we saw the most amazing sunset and she told me that after she's gone whenever I saw an amazing sunset that that would be her way of telling me that she was ok and that she loved me." We sat there basking in grandma's love until the sun finally sunk behind the horizon.