Fabricated You

by Tianshii

Genre: Humour, Parody

Rating: T

Summary: Ichigo wakes up in a world like his, but not quite. Actually, it was nothing like his own. Crack. Character death.

Characters: Kurosaki Ichigo

The orange haired boy groaned and reached for his covers, shivering considerably from the cold. Damn, that's weird. It's supposed to be the middle of summer. He froze when he came in contact with nothing but thin air and…snow? Ichigo blinked and opened his eyes in confusion to see a truck coming straight towards him. He yelped in horror and quickly rolled to the side, narrowly missing a very gruesome mess by mere centimetres. Suddenly, he was grabbed by the arm and dragged upwards.

"Holy crap, what do you think you're doing?" A man's voice exclaimed. "Are you trying to get yourself killed?"

The substitute shinigami turned to see Ishida and Rukia, both staring at him with large, unblinking eyes. They were dressed in heavy winter coats and boots and seemed to be sharing…an umbrella?

"Ishida…Rukia…?"

They exchanged confused glances before assessing him. And that was when Ichigo noticed why he was so cold. He was wearing nothing apart from a pair of boxers. They were his worst ones too, decorated with yellow ducks and poop, a gift from Karin.

The amethyst eyed girl stifled a giggle at his attire, or lack of, "Sorry, have we met?"

He stared blankly at the pair. What's going on? Is this some kind of joke? Ichigo cast his eyes to where he had been laying a few minutes ago, the middle of a road near his house in his hometown Karakura. Did I just pass out here? In my underwear?

"Listen..." He turned back to Ishida who was comfortingly caressing Rukia's cheek. She didn't seem to mind, instead leaning into his touch. The boy turned back to Ichigo and tilted his head in a condescending manner and smirked, "The middle of the road isn't exactly the best place to take a nap."

What the hell was going on? This guy looks like Ishida, and this girl looks like Rukia but –

"Oh Uryuu-kun, he looks so sad! Don't we have any spare blankets on us?" She tittered in a way that didn't make her sound like Rukia at all.

Ichigo frowned and pinched his temple, "No I – I just – Rukia and Ishida are but – snow and – and –poop - "

The dark haired girl looked at him pitifully before whispering into her companion's ear, unaware of how well the sound carried across the nearly empty street, "Uryuu-kun, he doesn't seem well, we should go."

The glasses boy nodded before handing Ichigo a small piece of paper which he was pretty sure was a free coupon for a burger.

"If you need help, call this number," he smiled brightly.

Oh god that's so gross, stop smiling like that please.

Finally able to get some of his mind together Ichigo grasped the boy's arm, "Ishida! It's me, Ichigo! You came with me to rescue…" He pointed to Rukia, "Her! We went to the Soul Society, remember? With Orihime and Chad and…!"

Ishida brushed his hand off before backing away, Rukia was now staring with a fearful expression.

"Dude, what the hell is a Soul Society?"

Ichigo froze.

"Oh wait I know!" The orange haired teen turned to his fellow shinigami who's features had lit up, "It's that band right? Orihime-chan told me about it!"

"Hunny bunny, that's Soul Eater."

"Ehhh, isn't that the anime? The one about the ninja?" Rukia pressed a finger to her lips, deep in thought.

"No, no, no, the anime about the ninja is called Evangelion."

Realizing he was getting nowhere with those two, Ichigo headed off in the direction of his house. He knocked on the door and nearly shit in his pants when he saw his dad. Isshin Kurosaki no longer had any stubble. Isshin Kurosaki wore a dark business suit. Isshin Kurosaki looked like a fucking host.

"Dad! I need your hel-"

"I'm just on my way to work. Are you here to see someon…" his father trailed off once he laid eyes on the almost bare teenage boy in front of him. Almost immediately, the door was slammed shut.

"Dad come on! Just let me in!" Ichigo yelled, pounding on the door with his bare fists.

"I fucking told you people! I don't serve young males!" He is! He really is a host! "Also, I don't roleplay!"

Ichigo screamed agony and gripped his hair, attempting to pull some out. What in the bloody soul society was going on? Ishida and Rukia are dating and my dad is a host! And I don't have any means of turning into a shinigami as THE ONLY FUCKING THING I HAVE ON ME ARE A PAIR OF DUCK AND SHIT BOXERS! OH YEAH, I ALMOST GOT RUN OVER BY A CAR!

"Your life sucks huh, kid?"

Ichigo was almost too scared to turn around. To face the next monstrosity that awaited him. He did turn though, and was flabbergasted to see Kon standing on the pathway. Completely normal.

"Kon…is it really you?" Ichigo asked, nearly bursting into tears when the plush toy nodded and smiled warmly.

"You want to get back home right kid?" The plush toy asked, holding out a hand.

The strawberry nodded, reaching out to take the hand. When he did, Kon smiled wider. The toy held the boy's hand gently, as if it was made of porcelain and led him through the empty street. All the while, a nagging voice in the back of Ichigo's head was telling him to stop. And run. But where could the boy possibly run to? He was alone in this freak of a world. All alone.

Kon held his hand tighter, trying to comfort the teen.

"Don't worry, we will get you home," it murmured.

They walked for a while, when Ichigo was by Kon's side he felt as if he didn't care that he was walking through the streets in nothing but a pair of duck and poop boxers. Kon made him feel strong, invincible! Like he could do anything. Ichigo turned to look at the toy, and they both smiled at each other. The nagging voice in the back of the substitute shinigami's mind asked him if Kon was even tall enough to hold onto his hand while they walked. Whatever, you never understood me, voice in my head!

And the voice never spoke again.

"Kurosaki-kun!" The teenaged boy turned to see his friend charging towards him, a large grin stretched across her beautiful face.

He ran towards her, his arms outstretched, "Inoue!"

And was quickly pushed into the oncoming traffic by the plush toy, whose eyes had turned a shade of crimson red.

"Good work, Orihime. Your Soul Gem should be clean now," the plush toy spoke in a child's voice that was completely devoid of emotion.

The brunette looked down at the object in her hands, "My wish will come true, right?"

The King of the New World smirked, "Yeah, sure kid."

A/N Disclamer: I don't own Bleach, Soul Eater, Evangelion and Madoka Magica. Probably for the best.