The Clichéd Severus
What this story is about:
This story is a 'guide' to every single cliché about Severus Snape's character in every type of stories that include Severus Snape as the main character (whether it is love, mentor, or father stories) that I have noticed (there may be others).
This guide/story includes (almost) everything NOT included in canon that is seen commonly in fanfiction. Short (and hopefully funny) stories are given as examples and every cliché takes place in a scene. Enjoy.
Cliché #1: Snape has the capacity to love Harry Potter as a son in the blink of an eye (literally) if and only if Harry Potter is abused.
Scene #1:
Snape had a horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach and it was known that when Snape had a bad feeling it meant something was wrong with Harry Potter.
Snape quickly apparated from Hogwarts (even though it is impossible) and appeared in front of 4 Privet Drive.
Using his newly found incredible strength, Snape kicked down the door and found a fat man hitting Harry Potter with a cane.
Snape blinked.
"How dare you harm Harry!" cried Severus and with a swish and a flick the Dursleys were no more.
Harry turned to Snape and hugged him, unsurprisingly (because this is a cliché story) Snape hugged him back.
"Poor, poor Harry. I'll take care of you!" said Snape.
"Thank you so much, Professor. Now I can stay with you at Hogwarts! Hurrah!" replied Harry.
And they all lived happily ever after.
Cliché #2: Snape has a 'mask' on when he feels emotions.
Scene #2:
"Oh, but why? Why won't you take me out to dinner?" A fan girl beseeched.
"Because…because…GET OUT! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN!" Snape screamed.
The fan girl tried again.
"But…but I love you!" She said.
Immediately Snape's anger was gone and his face became a cold, blank mask.
"Get out."
The fan girl left.
Cliché #3: Snape has the voice of a god (aka Alan Rickman).
Scene #3:
"…This is why potions is an art. An art NONE of you will ever understand, dunderheads!" Snape lectured silkily.
The female population sighed longingly.
Cliché #4: Snape is graceful.
Scene #4
Harry stumbled and fell face forward out of the floo. Snape came through the floo next, his body fluid in his motions.
"Wow, Professor! You're so graceful!" Harry said.
"Shut up, Potter."
Cliché #5: Snape is a vampire (or half something else)
Scene #5:
"I cannot stand it any longer! Lavender Brown I must have your blood!" Snape shouted and pointed at Lavender.
"Oh no! That blood sweetening body wash must be working!" Lavender said. Snape ran over to Lavender and was preparing to tuck his fangs into Lavender's skinny neck.
Suddenly, Ron came through Snape's office door.
"Unhand my girlfriend, Vampire!"
"Ronniepoo!" Lavender shouted. Ron turned to Lavender and grimaced.
"I thought I told you not to say that anymore! You know what? You and I are over!" Ron shouted.
Ron ran out of the room and Lavender ran after him, screaming: "Ronniepoo, Ronniepoo!".
Minerva (who was hiding behind Snape's chalkboard) stood up and turned to Snape.
"You owe me five galleons, Severus," she said.
"Hmph, I can't believe that worked!" Snape replied angrily.
Cliché #6: Snape is a romantic
Scene #6:
Snape had a sudden desire to say his favourite poem aloud when the Boy-Who-Lived looked at him with Lily's eyes.
"I awake each day with a smile
And greet it with a laugh;
The world is a treasure to me
Because of you."
The girl population sighed and the males looked frightened.
There was a pause before an obliviate was cast.
Cliché #7: Snape is an alcoholic
Scene #7:
Dumbledore looked worriedly at Snape.
"Oh Merlin, Severus have you gone and gotten yourself drunk again?" Dumbledore said disapprovingly.
"Dum Dum…Dumblll…Gandalf…Door…I haaayte thiiissse job. Da kids are sooo stoopyyd…" Snape replied.
Cliché #8: Snape is a snake animagus
Scene #8:
"Run, Weasley, run!" Flitwick called out to Ron, who was currently in his chihuahua form. Ron ran around the room barking happily.
"And that everyone is the happy-go-lucky-charm that can only be used on Chihuahuas!" Flitwick announced.
"Professor! Professor!" Hermione called out, waving her hand frantically in the air, "Is there a happy-go-lucky-charm for snakes?"
"Excellent question Miss Granger! As a matter of fact there is! I have brought Professor Snape here to demonstrate," Flitwick replied.
Snape, who was slouching in the corner of the room, approached the front of the class. A second later a small grass snake appeared.
"Happius-goius-luckius!" Flitwick chanted.
Immediately the grass snake began to move around the room.
"Slither, Severus, slither!" Flitwick shouted.
Cliché #9: Snape is hot
Scene #9:
Snape stalked across the Great Hall and scowled when he reached his seat.
"Why, Severus, is there something wrong?" asked Dumbledore.
"Why must I wear this glamour that keeps my natural beauty hidden?" Snape pouted.
"Well, Voldemort is dead…I suppose you could remove it…" Dumbledore started.
"FINALLY!" Snape shouted. Snape turned to the Great Hall and stood up on the table.
"Attention everyone!" He called out.
Hundreds of faces turned to Snape.
"Finite incantatem!" Snape said pointing his wand to himself.
Suddenly no female (or male) could look at Snape anymore, for Snape had began to sparkle brilliantly in the sunlight.
"Look at me now! WOOT!" shouted Snape.
Cliché #10: Snape has a manor
Scene#10:
"Severus, we need space for the party!" Dumbledore said.
Snape sighed.
"Well Snape Manor does have 69 rooms…" Snape said.
"Perfect!" Dumbledore replied.
Cliché #11: Snape is rich
Scene #11:
Huddled in a corner of Diagon Alley was a small, ginger haired boy shivering under a thin blanket.
Snape who had just came out of Florish and Blotts saw the young boy.
Why not? Snape thought to himself.
Snape shook the boy and handed him a pouch of galleons.
"Here," Snape said.
Before the boy could say anything Snape disapparated.
Seamus Finnigan approached the young boy.
"Ron, can you seriously believed that worked?" Seamus said, grinning.
Ron grinned back.
"Tonight, Seamus, we feast!" Ron replied happily.
Cliché #12: Snape uses hair gel
Scene #12:
"Minerva, have you seen my hair gel?" Snape asked one morning.
"No, I haven't…but Severus, dear, you look wonderful without it!" Minerva responded.
Snape gave a rare smile.
At the Gryffindor table a tub of hair gel was being passed around and fingers were greased. Neville's hair (not to mention every other male Gryffindor) was looking particularly slick that day.
Cliché #13: Snape is athletic
Scene #13:
"Why Severus, I never knew you were such a good fencer!" Vector said to Snape.
"Fifteen years of hard work!" Snape announced.
Vector nodded.
"Using arithmancy I can tell that you'll become famous for your fencing skills, Severus!" Vector said, "I can also tell that those scars on your chest aren't from fencing either…"
Cliché #14: Snape reads Pride and Prejudice (or some other Muggle classic)
Scene #14:
"Why, Severus…Isn't that a romance story?" Albus said, looking at the muggle book labeled Pride and Prejudice on the night table.
"IT IS NOT! It's…Jane Austen…" Severus shouted.
"But still…Isn't it romance?" Albus replied.
"No…it's a misunderstood story. I'm like Darcy…" Severus stuttered.
"Darcy? Isn't that a female name?" Albus questioned.
Cliché #15: Snape is an excellent cook
Scene #15:
"Merlin, Severus! This is extremely good pasta! However did you make it?" asked Sinistra at a staff party one night.
"Well…after my last attempt at using the kitchens for a surprise meal, the house elves wouldn't let me back in," Snape said.
Sinistra frowned.
"So how did you make the food then?"
"Why with potion ingredients of course!" Severus said gladly.
"Potion ingredients…" Sinistra said quietly.
"Yes! For example, my substitute for the feta cheese was dried bubotuber pus!" Severus replied.
Cliché #16: Snape plays an instrument.
Scene #16:
Hermione's hands moved quickly across the piano, playing Für Elise. Snape who happened to be passing by stood by door.
"Amateur aren't you Miss Granger?" He asked.
"Certainly not! I've been playing for ten years!" Hermione said.
Snape sniffed pompously and moved over to the piano. Hermione stood up and let Snape sit down.
Snape cracked his knuckles and began to play. 'Rachmaninoff Prelude in G minor Op. 23 No. 5' could be heard throughout the hall.
Snape stood up.
Hermione cried.
Cliché #17: Snape played Quidditch for Slytherin
Scene #17:
"Wait so you're saying that all the teachers used to play for their house?" Ron asked incrediously.
"Yeah…even Flitwick," Neville replied.
"Snape used to be seeker, you know Harry!" Dean said.
"Wow, I want to be just like him…" Harry thought aloud.
"What about your father, Harry?" Ginny asked.
"Well…he was a chaser not a seeker, AND Snape isn't dead," Harry said.
"You think Snape has abs?" Lavender asked, blushing.
The Gryffindors could not sleep that night.
Cliché #18: Snape has the widest vocabulary in all of Wizarding Britain
Scene #18:
"Severus do you think you could write a letter to the ministry about allowing blast-ended skrewts as pets for the house elves?" Dumbledore asked Snape.
"I suppose" Snape responded.
That night the Minister of Magic received a very, very sophisticated letter:
Dear Minister of Magic,
It has been identified that the house elves aspire to have possession of the animal acknowledged as 'blast-ended skrewts'. Hogwarts now wishes to put in place the diktat of allocating the acquiescence of house elves to purchase their own blast-ended skrewt as pets for the reason of agape. The monopoly S.N.O.R.T has permitted and approved of the above request. Please consider this petition.
Sincerely,
Severus Snape, Potions Master.
Cliché #19: Snape is a pureblood
Scene #19:
"Severus," began Minerva at breakfast, "Why don't you try greeting your students in a different manner this year? None of that 'sweet simmering art' and 'stopper in death' twaddle."
Snape sighed in exasperation, "I could, I suppose".
Twenty minutes later, Snape found himself facing his new first years. After slamming the door shut, Snape began to speak:
"Hello, I'm Severus Snape. I'm totally rich, and I'm really proud that I'm pureblooded white – I mean wizard!"
Cliché #20: Snape owns a snake
Scene #20:
Snape, upon reaching his rooms, transformed into his animagus form, a snake. Snape swiftly approached his pet snake, Rory, and began to hiss in parseltongue the joys of eating fried chicken.
"But it has to be Garrick Ollivander's fried chicken! That's the very best," stated Snape.
"I disagree; I think Fawkes makes the best fried chicken. Especially when he catches on fire on March 15th," replied Rory.
Cliché #21: Snape is an excellent singer, whose voice is like honey.
Scene #21:
The Hogwarts staff sings a song:
SINISTRA, MINERVA, FILIUS, AND HAGRID:
525,600 minutes,
525,000 moments so dear.
525,600 minutes - how do you measure,measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee. Ininches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In 525,600 minutes - how do youmeasure a year in the life?
"Harry I can't take this anymore. This is disturbing—" Ron cried.
How about LOOOOOVE?
"I know, Ron, bear with me…" replied Harry. Hermione whispered to Harry and Ron:
"Oh, no there goes Snape! Cover your ears! Perform a muffliato charm! Anything!"
And thus, Ron, Hermione, and Harry became the only people in Hogwarts to never experience the breathtaking singing of Snape's baritone voice:
SEVERUS:
It's time now to sing out, though the story never ends let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends.
Remember the love!
Remember the love!
Remember the love!
Measure in love.
Seasons of love! Seasons of love.
A/N: These author's notes are very important as they include copyright stuff. The song the Hogwarts staff sings is called Seasons of Love it is from a play called Rent. I own nothing of that song nor do I own the play. The part of the song shown here does not include all the lyrics nor does it correspond to how many people originally sing the song (e.g.: Snape's part was a group part not a solo). Cliché #18 is not a racist joke, but rather from Potter Puppet Pals: Draco Puppet. I own nothing from that, but you all should check it out as it is amazing. The poem is by Kate Reneigh Woodruff called All Because of You. I don't own that poem. And of course, I do not own Harry Potter.
The grammar in this story may be atrocious (I have no idea if the commas are where they should be). Thanks for bearing with me on that. Bubotuber pus is actually green, but it is white here for reasons you should now know. I created this mostly because I got tired of hearing about Snape and his 'emotionless mask'; people need to realize how annoying it is to read about something that was never stated in canon. Thanks for reading! And no, the author's note has not been edited for grammar… I'm a bit lazy.
One does not simply read this fanfiction and not press the review button.