Originally I wrote this for a prompt on the Mass Effect kink meme asking for Shepard and the crew finding the ME version of 'My Immortal' on the extra-net. I then published it on the Mass Effect community for April Fool's day, and now I'm completing the circle but sharing it here.

Remember the first time you read a passage of 'My Immortal' and felt like you wanted to die? You lucky folks get to relive the horror.

Sweet Sacrifice

"Now, you all know we are quite popular, being heroes and all," Melissa started somberly. Her usual smile and optimistic glint in her eye weren't present, which meant that whatever the reason why she brought all twelve of her crewmates up from their posts and into her cabin was deadly serious.

"I love reading the imaginative stories they write about on the ExtraNet. I do. I really fucking do." She continued, leaning back into the comforting leather. "For the most part they get our personalities right and they stick to what the real news tells them. But there is one out there that has caught my interest—"

"You found the infamous Liara/Garrus/Shepard lemon, didn't you? I promise I didn't write that." Garrus said suddenly. "I swear I didn't."

"That's…oddly specific, Garrus. Yes I found that, and to be honest I thought that one was entertaining. The sex scenes lasted forever, but that's not the point." Alright, this was serious. Normally Melissa would laugh and make a friendly crack about Garrus being the proud subscriber to Fornax. The other eleven occupants turned towards the turian and secretly wondered if he did write that. Wouldn't be surprising. Legion's optic perked a little, noting that he would have to find and catalogue that one as soon as he did the same with this new story. Organic methods of pleasure were fascinating.

The brunette reached for a tablet lying haphazardly on the coffee table and raised it in the air for all to see, her expression still stony. Miranda's eyebrow raised. "What do you have on there, Melissa?"

"The worst. Fanfiction. Of all time." She disgustedly threw the tablet in her lap and sipped from her painted glass teacup, an heirloom from her paternal grandmother. "I will have to warn you all, you will not recognize yourselves through the goddamn Hubble telescope in this story."

"That bad? Jack snorted. "Please."

Melissa ignored the convict and began to read aloud

"hi there, everbodie! My anme is Ivory Sunspot Fantasie Swan Way and I have looong white hair with golden streaks and sky blue eys. A lot of people say that I look liek an angle, an you kown what? IM AM! Im a prep, an i love the bright colorz and short skits and my 36D boobz. Today i was wearing a sooper short pink skirt with my ame stitched ino it with goldn (REAS GOLD, CUNTS!) thread, and a tite top that had a tonof sparkles and a chocker that had mai speshul diamond in it."

"I was wakling on the Sidatel and somking some red sand when i saw my best gurlfriend being boten up by bad guys. I scremed "Get away, fockers!" an I threw a brite pink booitic THROW WARP SCHOCKWAVE at em. Tehy dissergrated and I was teh hero. Then soemoen came thro and kissed me deeply it was…MELISSA SHEPHERD!

"Scared yet?" the Commander snorted.

From the looks of her crew, they were. Jacob had covered his face laughed at the sheer awfulness of it. Thane and Samara were exchanging confused looks; Mordin was struggling to keep from snatching the tablet out of his Commander's hands and reading it for himself (it just couldn't be real…couldn't.). Grunt had burst out laughing, sending specks of saliva onto a scowling Zaeed, who simply shook his head going "kids these days…". Garrus blinked and buried his face into his hands. He could really use that Liara/Garrus/Shepard lemon he found.

Jack snickered, "Jesus, I didn't know you were THAT much of a nympho, Missy,"

"Don't you do making snide remarks, Jack. Your entire character gets raped. Literally and figuratively."

"You know who I am," thos goddess whursperd seductivly. "My cru needs a touff angle gurl. An you look good enugff to eat."

I smiled and said "What's stooping you?"

An then she got on hr nees and ate my pussy.

"What?" Tali exclaimed and backed away. "Who writes this garbage? You would never do something like that."

"No, but a thousand fanboys would love to see that happen." Kasumi murmured. "You have no idea how many of these things have our Commander doing that and more."

After I came and cvored her face with my juises, she got up and said, "join my crew, Irovy. We need you."

So then I went on the Noramdy and saw all teh exy men and ladiez on the ship. Jocker locked eyes with me and smled a pervterd smile. "Hay purty girl. C'mere and let me fuck you." I ten kicked his crippled face in and he cride.

"I must have you all know," Melissa said, stopping for a bit to gaze upon her disgusted audience, many of whom looked like they were about to bolt for the elevator. Good thing she had EDI lock it. "That from here on out, it gets worse."

Miranda gulped audibly. "Worse? You mean to tell me that there's more?"

Melissa nodded. "That was chapter one, ladies and gentlemen. This starts chapter two."

I walked awya and met a gorgeous redhed named 'Kelly' she was wearing a red langeree and no underpants and had her pubes shaved in teh shap of a heart. 'I am Shepherd's lesbo slave. I ear dis collar on and make sure she is plsured minutly." Den she gave me a leash and said, "spanlk me!" And I did. She yelped and scremed and came so hard. I liek her.

I wakled into the other room and saaw Minarda Lewdon and Jakob Taylor fcuking like no torommow and tehy were so hot I mansturbated. Then I felt sad, becuz I wanted someone to fuck. So I creid diamond tears and felt a tap on ma sholder.

It was…. GARUSS VAKIRIEN.—

"Oh, spirits no!" he gasped.

"Oh, spirits yes," Melissa said.

He had a huge cock and i never hade turain cock be4. It was long and hard and an full off ribbs. I came haaaaard. He came too and paintd my pink walls with his turqiose cum. And becuz hes a turian he kept on going and going anf goingand goind and going until he passed out and screamed.

"Ur a good fuck, Irovy." He said.

The poor turian looked like he had been given the ultimate death sentence, looking to be on the verge of crying. Jacob had gone from mildly quivering with chuckles to full on hysterical laughter. He turned to Garrus and tried his damndest to form a sentence, but he only managed to choke out "stupidest shit ever". Jack joined him in his amusement, nearly doubling over, along with Zaeed. The look on Miranda's face was priceless, a comical mixture of being absolutely perplexed and absolutely annoyed. Gripping her shoulder was a wide-eyed Mordin, who wanted nothing more than to find this awful, awful person and run them over with a combine harvester. He had written several essays, yes, but the salarian had proudly penned well-written works of poetry and short stories. Listening to this…abomination…was an affront to good writing.

Wait until I get to their characters. They will either kill themselves with my helmet or laugh. And I don't think it's going to be laughter. "I'm going to be nice and skip around. This godforsaken thing lasts for fifty-two chapters, and I'm not cruel enough to subject you all to that."

Samara nodded. "I believe I speak for everyone here when I say thank you, Mellissandra."

"Alright, let's get this show on the road."

Than brureid his hadsome face in hsi hands, maoning, "my son koyliet has the drell cancer. He will die unlses soemone goez to de kollector base and stealz teh cure." He wanddured of to rite poety, I hda to do semting to make tings bettr, and becuz I loved him. He was a warrior poet.

Thane rubbed his temples and shook his head. "Why am I not surprised in the slightest?"

Mordeen had duressed up in a black bra an panties, hsi dirty cota burned to smithrienes. "I like to cruss-druress." he said. "It maeks me fell puty an so fuckin worth shagning."

I stareed at the glorios sexy saalrian be4 me, whose cruves were delivious I WANTED TO BAGN HUIM SO BAAAD. "But, Mordeen, u r asexuel, witch mens dat you dun liek secks."

"Not ture!" he said, flippign de panties my way. "I j'edora teh secks. Lets go at it, baby."

There was a loud thump that got the attention of everyone, and they turned to see that Mordin had fainted. Melissa grimaced and silently thanked God that he wouldn't be awake to hear what else had been done to his character. The image of the elder salarian in black lacy underwear would haunt almost everyone in the cabin for the remainder of their lives.

An ten Smraa screamed out 'GET THE FUK AWAY FROM MY GIRLFRIEND, BITCHES" and the prodceeded to mind rape the captives, because she was an Ardat-Yokshee. Then dey died she peed on their corpses an had Than drell her pussy.

"MMmmm!" seh holwed. "I luv me the drill! Being a comamdo is fun shit! Fuk me harder slave!"

Samara's jaw dropped "What is this? I do not even…" she could nothing else but facepalm.

Grutn jumpped like a litle rabit when I gave him teh bouncy ball. He through it to me an I caugt it an he let me ticle him liek he wuz a baby. But dat's becuz he is a baby. We kised andhe wadled off to look at pron. I followed and then he gilgged and LOVED ME

Grunt cocked an eye ridge, not looking angry or annoyed, just confused and a bit sickened. He stared at his Battlemistress for some time before saying. "I'm not like that."

Katsumi wiggled her skirt covered bum and showwed me hr sloten gems. Dey were gorgeus and sprkly. She smaked my hand and muttered soemting about keeping my hdns to myself.

"Arent they kawaii, desu!" she said, piking up a Pikachu daimond. "I luv this one desu. It tooken it from Master Yoshi on Japan, where im from desu." Katsumi lened frward so her loose blous showd me her epik boobs. She had on a super cute sailor skool uunform tat had all sorsts of kewl anime stamps liek POkemonsz, Blech, Naturo, Sailro Mon, and stuff like hat,.

An pained smile crossed Kasumi's face, rubbing her eyes with her thumb and forefinger. "Where do I even begin? A Pikachu diamond? Ugh…"

Jackie cried emo ters and cut herself wit a brite pink razr blade. "I cll meself 'Subject Zreo' becuz i think dat no one loves me. Im a sero. Dees tatoos are to make me happi. I wuz rapped by my 'rents when I wuz a kidd, and again when i wuz sixteen. No one loevs me!"

I began to cri deimonds again, and den we scissorsed all knight long.

~*~

All eyes turned to Jack, who was making the mother of all disgusted faces. "You have got to be kidding me. That was just…retarded."

Legion, who wuz a super-geth, did teh robot like a pro. Becuz he was a robot. It grabed me by da hand and we danced all arond the Nromany. Den he took me back to hsi super geth hideout and shoewd a HUEF metal dong.

"I need to obserf organic feelngins of plesur. I will but dis cock in u and I will see how u repsnd." It huked the dong into its brain mmeory core thing and he screwed me."

The geth remained still as a statue. It optic blinked once, twice, thrice, so many times it became dizzying. Then, in a small metallic voice it whispered. "Purging…purging…purging…"

Melissa scowled again at the pad and decided that it was for the best for everyone and their brain cells to jump right to the latest chapter. She had briefly skimmed through it before calling them up, and from what she read the quality had not only dropped (which was saying something), but it truly seemed that the author was going through or had gone through a nervous breakdown.

"How much more can you all take?"

The quiet sounds of Mordin sobbing (ah, so he woke up) was the only thing audible in the room. She really had to take them all somewhere nice to get piss drunk after this. Speaking of drinking, she had her tea to finish. Calmly she picked up the heirloom and slowly let the rooibos tea trickle down her throat.

"I don't know how many more chapters is after this, but this is the last one." Melissa didn't take offense when she head soft whispers of "oh, thank god!" and "who writes this shit?" coupled with sighs of contempt for this abysmal writer.

It wuz tiem that we fased the REPERZ WIZARD. I held my pink deimund septer and hhd the hole cru behinz me. WE R NOT APHRAD.

Mirandra crid and her bewbies bounced with amazing force. "Ivory dont die we kneed you do to sae us." Jaboc patted her bewbies comfrttongly.

Mleissa glowd a sparkly purple aura wave and grabt my had an we wur off to batol teh REAPER WIZURD and hsi ISNECT MINIONINS. We lockt hanz and she glowd purple i glowd pink and our AURA WAVS spriled into a huge heart. Teh isnect minionsi flew in so mnay direktions I ffelt sizzy, but Mellisa said, "Dun worry I am hree we cn do this."

Taht made me happie and a pink aurva biotic SHOKWVAE SINGULARITY BIOTIC WARP and tehy all died. The WIZURD was pissed and Melissa bioticolly punched his brain outs. hE FUKING FLEW INTO THE SUN BITCHES! Den we made out an fingered etch other liek rabbits.

But dat was just da WIZARD, the entrie Reperz are still out dere, and we had no chose but tot get our frindz and redy teh Allience an de Counsil and…

"I'm done." Melissa stood and flung the pad at the wall to her right, watching in satisfaction as it broke in threes. She picked up her treasured teacup and cradled it close to her, as if this tiny little thing could take away all the pain. There was still so much more to be read, but that was more than enough. "We're done."

"Finally!" Garrus shot up like a rocket and bee-lined his way to the elevator. Zaeed's head seemed to be permanently shaking side to side. "See, Shepard? That's the reason why we need to reinstate a draft."

"Here, here. "Miranda grumbled and rubbed her temples. Jack had this scowl of disgust that refused to leave her features. Thane sighed and nodded his head in such a defeated manner it broke Melissa's heart. Samara, the unmovable yet warm Samara, looked like she had just bore witness to the death of sophisticated literature. Legion kept on repeating "purging…purging…purging" ad nauseum, its single optic wide with horror. Tali laid a hand on its shoulder and said, "I am so sorry you had to hear that."

"Terrible," Mordin muttered, wiping a tear from his eye. "Absolute trash. Never in short life have I ever heard something so…awful."

Jacob wrapped an arm around Mordin, "It's alright, doc. It's going to be alright.

"Must write sonnet."

"You write that sonnet, Mordin. You write the best sonnet ever written."

Thane turned to his commanding officer, "You do realize that we all are not only scarred for life, but need a stiff drink to get rid of this terrible memory. And you also realize that no matter how many drinks I consume, you have condemned me to forever reliving this atrocity for the remainder of my life."

Melissa smiled a little bit, "I was actually hoping to surprise you all with a trip to Illium to get get completely and utterly shitfaced."

A loud, hysterically jubilant cheer erupted from every mouth in the room.