What to Expect When You're Expecting to Expect
"Do we have a verdict?" Jess asked as he hovered outside the bathroom door. This was their new fortnightly ritual, taking place Tuesday nights at around eight. Moving to sit at the foot of their bed, he idly fiddled with a loose string on their comforter, his mind focused on the what-ifs of the situation.
When Rory had mentioned wanting to start trying to have a baby, he wasn't surprised. In fact the thought had been in the back of his mind, and he would probably have brought it up sooner rather than later. He loved her more than anything, and the idea of adding a member to their little family was something that appealed to him greatly. That was a little surprising to the both of them, but it was no less true. It didn't hurt that he'd had more exposure to children in the last few years than in his entire life, and they really had grown on him. Which is why his nervous excitement changed to the usual disappointment when Rory exited the bathroom wearing a confused frown.
"Another week, another negative," She smiled weakly at him, which he returned. Opening his arms to her, Jess pulled Rory onto his lap and hugged her tightly. Placing a kiss on her forehead, he felt the long sigh escape her body, "What are we doing wrong?"
"There are few things that I know for sure in this world, but I can assure you that we are absolutely having sex correctly. Especially after that Pill incident." He felt her giggle a little, reminded of the time he saw her taking The Pill a week or so after agreeing to start trying. It had become such a staple of her morning routine for the past decade that she didn't even think about it, or the fact that it completely negated anything they were trying to do.
"But what if there's something wrong?"
"It's only been a few months."
"Six months, Jess! Why isn't this happening? I mean look at everyone we know. We're both the result of accidental teenage pregnancy, no use denying that. Then there's Lane, and Sookie! My dad and Sherry! None of them were trying on purpose."
"It took your mom and Luke a year with Ritchie."
"In their forties! It's not the same thing!"
"Exactly. It's not. None of them are the same thing. Some people get knocked up by a loser they meet on the Staten Island Ferry, others spends years wishing it to happen. I think we're going to be somewhere in the middle, honestly." He felt her relax slightly in his arms. It wasn't much, but it was a good sign.
"Humour me, okay?" She asked finally.
"I always do," he joked, dodging her attempt to slap him.
"Jerk. My head knows you're right, because you usually are. It's the rest of me that needs a little convincing."
"Is this a sex thing?"
"Not everything's a sex thing, Jess."
"Baby-making usually is."
"Ew, don't call it that ever again. Like I said, humour me. We'll go see some doctors about our respective reproductive situations, which will give my head enough power to overwhelm the rest of me."
"If that's what it takes for you to calm down, I can live with hearing the word 'specimen' used liberally for an afternoon." Rory jumped off of him excitedly.
"Good, because I already made the appointments! Yours is tomorrow at two. I would've cancelled, had things been less… negative, but better safe than sorry!"
Glancing at the clock on the wall for the fifth time in an hour, Jess Mariano sighed. He'd read the same page of a book four times, wrote the worst opening paragraph to a chapter imaginable, and watched an unhealthy amount of daytime television. Even a quick trip to Truncheon did nothing to make the day seem any less long and tiresome, though he got to enjoy tearing a particularly bad submitted manuscript a new one. Chris had left early to spend the weekend in Boston, though it was with very little excitement. Jess knew staying with April in a college party house with three of her housemates made him feel especially old, even if he never came out and said it. Without the distraction of his best friend to keep him from staring at a wall, he'd ended up back at home to wait for the phone call.
The doctor had promised to call that week, before he left Friday afternoon. It was now nearing six, Rory was due home any minute (she'd undoubtedly already heard back from her specialist), and still no phone call. It was making him think too hard. Wondering what they'd found that was taking them so long to get back to him. It was at the thought of radioactivity and superheroes that his cell phone finally rang, the number of the clinic flashing up.
"Mariano," he answered professionally.
"Mr Mariano, how are you?" A warm male voice asked.
"Honestly? Like I've been sitting on needles all day."
"Sorry about the lateness of the call, Doctor Graham just wanted to make sure everything was accurate." Jess felt his heart start to beat a little erratically. Surely that wasn't a good sign?
"Of course. Speaking of which, I'd really like to know what's going on before my wife gets home. She'll be firing questions at me like crazy and I'd like to be able to answer some of them."
"That's perfectly understandable. As it is, Doctor Graham would really like to make another appointment with you to discuss the results." It felt like ice had flooded his veins.
"I was told I'd get my results over the phone if everything was okay. Are you telling me," he took a deep breath, trying to stay calm, "you're saying they're not?"
"As I said, Doctor Graham would really like-"
"Yeah, he wants to tell me the shitty parts in person. Sorry, I know this isn't your fault or anything, but… look, can you tell me anything?"
"They're your medical records, I can disclose them to you."
"Don't tell me any technical terms or anything, that's not helping anyone. Just… what's the odds? You know, of-"
"Fertilisation is placed in the category of unlikely, but not impossible. As I said, Doctor-" Hanging up on the nurse and throwing his phone across the room, Jess resisted the urge to do the same with his laptop and fell back into the couch with his head in his hands.
He honestly couldn't remember the last time he'd been this close to tears. There was the incident with Rory at Yale, but he'd been much too emotionally damaged to succumb to crying. He'd definitely been close when he crashed her car and broke her wrist, but even then the feeling didn't develop beyond the overwhelming sadness in his stomach. He supposed the last time he'd felt the sting of wetness on his cheeks was as a child, faced with one of Liz's suitors or the like. It had definitely been a long time in between drinks, and perhaps a long time coming.
It was the thought of Rory's reaction that finally sent him over the edge. How she'd look pained for a split second before it would set in. Concern. Pity. Unrelenting optimism. Each was more upsetting than the last. How she'd try to stay cheerful and upbeat for his sake, talking about options and making him call the doctor back. Which he would, because it was her. More than that, it was something he'd wanted more desperately than he knew and having it torn away from him hurt immensely.
He thought of his mother, and how painfully unfair it was that she got two chances at something he was possibly going to miss out on entirely. Nothing but binge-drinking and pot-smoking on the first kid, but it didn't matter because she got the perfect happy marriage and darling child she'd fucked up the first time. Unfair. He hoped whatever was wrong with him had nothing to do with her, because he had enough reasons already to resent her and really didn't need any more. They were good, finally. It didn't make the entire situation hurt any less, but it was something. Better than with Jimmy, anyway. He could live with it being Jimmy's fault, they weren't close enough for it to mean anything.
His eyes burned, until finally it happened. The feeling of liquid rolling down his face, hot and salty. No more than a few tears, but it was enough. Cathartic. Maybe he could face Rory after all. He heard the door being unlocked and knew he didn't have time to hide his sadness, but he supposed it would be better this way. Rory walked towards him and noticed the tears, the pained look on his face and felt terrified.
"Jess? What's happened? Is everyone okay? Is Luke-"
"Everyone's fine." His voice cracked, which wasn't fun.
"You've been crying. You never cry." She sat next to him on the couch and cupped his face in her hands, wiping away stray tears. He kissed the underside of her palm, making her smile briefly.
"Doctor's office called." It was all he had to say and Rory understood instantly. None of the hurt he expected registered on her face, though the pity was certainly there.
"Jess-"
"Just let me finish, please. I'm not too sure on the details, I kind of hung up on the kid. However I can confirm that the word 'unlikely' was used, as well as requests for me to go back and presumably hear all about how messed up I am, which sounds like a real riot."
"Jess, I-"
"I'm sorry, Rory. I'm so fucking sorry. You ask one thing of me and I can't even do that right. God, I felt like I was going to… Are you laughing right now?" That wasn't a reaction he expected. Was it hysteria?
"Just a little, I swear." She gave another small giggle.
"Please tell me the humour of the situation, I could probably use it." He remarked dryly.
"You keep interrupting me telling you that I'm pregnant!" She rushed all the words out so quickly that he was unsure if he heard them right. Luckily she was set on elaborating. "I was going to tell you in a better way, honest, but I just got caught really off-guard here. My doctor called at lunchtime to tell me. She figures we got a false negative on that test, they're not always accurate. But she is!"
"Seriously? We…"
"Well it's either yours or that guy from the copy room, but I'm pretty sure-" she was interrupted by his lips on hers, passionate and heated. Rory liked to think she understood the way Jess kissed by now, and she knew this was his 'I'm so in love with you' variety. Soon enough they were horizontal on the couch, his body hovering over hers in a way that was not providing her with enough friction. She felt his hands skim the hem of her blouse, sliding underneath to stroke the soft skin of her stomach.
"It's so crazy. Right now, in there…" he seemed unsure of what to say next.
"The remnants of a delicious ham sandwich I had for lunch, I assume. But yeah, apparently a foetus too," she looked up at him seriously, "You still need to call the doctor back, Jess."
"I know." He was in a haze, too content to do more than smile and nod. "We're having a baby."
"Yeah, we are," she leaned forward to kiss him again, her arms still around his neck as he drew patterns on her skin. Suddenly a feeling of panic washed over her, "oh god, what if I screw this up? What if something happens, this could be our only chance, and if I-"
"Rory, stop. Please don't stress out, okay? It really can't be good for the Freckle."
"Freckle?"
"Foetus sounds too impersonal," he lifted himself back to a sitting position, pulling her up with him, "look, we're going to do everything right. Doctor's appointments, vitamins, decaf. If something happens… it happens. It won't be our only chance, there'll be options. Okay?" He couldn't believe he was saying all this. He was dreading her using the word options yet he knew he needed to calm her down. Luckily she nodded.
"I love you. Can we tell mom?"
"It's up to you."
"The doctor said this is very new, and that's scary. But I need to tell mom, and by extension Luke. Maybe wait a month for my grandparents and the rest of our family, and everyone else at the recommended three months?"
"You've thought about this before." It was a statement, not a question.
"More than once. You know, if we leave now we could make the food portion of Friday Night Dinner."
"I think I feel the laryngitis acting up again."
"Funny, because I'm pretty sure you have to do everything your pregnant wife tells you to."
"Yes dear. I'd just hoped we could celebrate a little more privately. And nakedly. But I know when I'm beat. Call Emily, tell her the granddaughter is making an appearance. Maybe mention me too, in case she tries to set you up again."
"She hasn't tried that since we got married."
It was a little after eight when they arrived at the Gilmore mansion, parking just behind Lorelai's jeep in the giant driveway. Three figures were distinct at the front door, one of them waving her arms around wildly. Jess tugged at his shirt collar, feeling more nervous about this than he expected. Something about confirming to both Luke and Lorelai that he'd definitely slept with Stars Hollow's princess was a little scary. Up until this point it was mostly the assumption of being together for over five years, and being married for almost two.
"Well look what the cat dragged in," Lorelai drawled, turning to face her daughter and son-in-law. Standing between her and Luke was Ritchie, the three-year-old dressed adorably in a button down and slacks. He grinned widely at the newcomers.
"Hi sissy, hi Jessie! Daddy looks like a swamp man!" He looked up to his mother for approval, to be met with a face trying her hardest not to burst out laughing. Luke just groaned and rang the doorbell. Almost immediately the maid answered and allowed them into the foyer.
"I keep forgetting he can repeat what he hears now," Lorelai whispered to her daughter, making her grin, "So why are you here? And pushing dinner back by an hour, of all things!"
"We missed you guys, isn't that reason enough?" Rory placated, and it worked. No more questions were asked about why Rory and Jess had given such late notice to Friday Night Dinner, which suited them. They weren't letting the cat out of the bag until they were safely back in Stars Hollow, preferably while eating donuts at Luke's.
"Rory, it's so good to see you!" Emily Gilmore smiled at her granddaughter, and Richard did similarly from his position on one of the ornate chairs in the living room.
"Always a pleasure. Jess, I found those works we were discussing. I know you're not much for poetry, but there's a few pieces I think you might enjoy." Richard spoke warmly to the man his wife had ignored.
"Thanks Mr Gilmore, I appreciate it," He sat next to Rory on the small couch, his hand finding hers instantly. Greetings were exchanged with the Gilmore-Danes family, and they all sat down for drinks.
"Now let's see, a martini for Lorelai, scotch for the men. Rory, did you want wine or a martini like your mother?"
"Wine please, grandma," She answered politely, before noticing Jess' head turn to face her with a look of incredulousness. It took her a moment to figure out his problem, but when it hit her eyes widened for a second.
"Oops," she whispered into his ear, making him shake with silent laughter.
"How are you getting out of this one, Scoob?" He whispered back. "You know she'll notice if you don't drink it. Knock it to the floor and she'll pour you a new one."
"I could just drink it," noticing his frown, she considered another option, "Guess we're telling two extra people." He nodded at her decision. A moment later the drinks were placed in front of them, and Rory was painfully reminded of the fact that she wouldn't be drinking for a really long time.
"It's rather impolite to whisper in the company of others, Rory," her grandmother scolded her, giving Jess her patented Emily Gilmore 'you are not good enough' glare.
"Sorry grandma, Jess was criticising my drink choice." She tried to stop a laugh escaping her as Jess shot her a look of betrayal, and Emily gained that sour expression she only wore when having to address him directly.
"Do you have a problem with my drink selection, Jess? I know it may not be what you're used to, having not come from a box, but-"
"It wasn't the wine itself, Mrs Gilmore. More Rory drinking it." He'd turned the tables back on her, and she struggled to think of what to say.
"I guess I wasn't very clear. I forgot I wasn't supposed to be drinking tonight. Or any night, for the foreseeable future. It's sort of frowned upon," she took a deep breath to brace herself, feeling Jess squeeze her hand in support, "I'm pregnant."
There was a moment of silence as it sunk into all the adults, as Ritchie ignored the conversation in favour of playing with his toy truck.
"That's amazing sweets, I'm so happy for you!" Lorelai was the first to respond, jumping to her feet and pulling her daughter into a hug. She also ruffled Jess' hair affectionately for good measure.
"Congrats. I mean… wow. That's… wow." Luke managed, as gruff as ever. There was a smile on his face though, and they knew he would articulate his opinions a little better when not caught off guard.
That left Emily and Richard. The latter was positively beaming, moving from his chair for the first time to hug his granddaughter and shake the hand of the young man he was rather fond of. It appeared the announcement had left him rather flustered, and he excused himself from the room to fetch champagne (and sparkling cider for Rory). No one had seen him this overcome with emotion since Lorelai announced she was naming her son after him, though that time he left the hospital to procure cigars. Jess remembered those cigars, awfully fondly as he was a man very recently free of a smoking habit. Patting the gum in his pocket, he looked at his reason for quitting as she waited with trepidation for her grandmother's reaction.
"I'm going to help your grandfather," was all she said before excusing herself from the room. Rory's face fell. Lorelai, who was now on the other side of her on the couch, was the first to break the awkward silence that had enveloped the room.
"You weren't planning on telling them tonight, were you?" Her arm was still around her daughter protectively, rubbing her arm.
"Just you and Luke. Now I'm really wishing that… that I'd-" Rory had started to cry, causing Lorelai to pull her closer. Jess wasn't sure what to do when she had her mother to comfort her, so he settled on rubbing his thumb across her knuckles comfortingly.
"Don't take it personally, that's just Emily Gilmore being Emily Gilmore. She's weighing up the options in her head. On the one hand, she loves you dearly and this is very good news for you. Unfortunately you chose to get knocked up by this one," she nodded in Jess' direction.
"Hey!"
"Oh I'm sorry, have you and Emily since become great pals and I'm imagining the fact that she hates you?"
"Fair point, but the 'hey' still stands."
"If I'm right, which I constantly am, she'll be swayed by whatever your grandfather has to say on the matter and come back out here like she didn't just react terribly at your big news."
"Thanks mom," Rory smiled weakly.
"Any time. So, are you naming it Lorelai?" Ignoring her daughter's groan, she continued. "Come on, it's unisex! Lorelai IV, very regal."
"Lorelai the fourth? There's another one of you?" Jess asked, surprised.
"The late Lorelai the First. Dad's mother. It's a shame you never met her, I think the two of you would've gotten along swimmingly. Bonded over the mutual hatred of my mother, that kind of thing."
"She rented her house out to Korn," Rory added helpfully.
"Sounds like my kind of person."
"Of course, there was the whole incest thing," Lorelai mused, before her smile turned evil, "but considering you married your cousin…"
"Mom!"
Lorelai's retort about two-headed babies was cut short with the return of Richard and Emily. Both were now smiling widely, any moments of awkwardness forgotten. Or at least, they were trying to act like nothing happened. Congratulations were offered yet again as corks were popped, Rory being handed a champagne flute of sparkling apple juice.
"We've learnt to keep a few bottles on hand, considering how many of our acquaintances have made several trips to AA meetings," Richard teased with a wink.
"Honestly Richard, you make us sound like we're friends with the Lohans."
"I almost expected you to say the Kardashians," Lorelai deadpanned, causing her mother to shoot her a confused look.
"Lorelai I can honestly say I have no idea what, or whom, you're talking about most of the time," she turned her attention to her granddaughter, "Rory, I truly am sorry about before. I'm so happy for you, this is so exciting!"
"Thanks grandma. That means a lot." She stood up and hugged her, before Emily surprised them all by turning to Jess.
"Congratulations, Jess. I'm sure you're very excited." If there was any trace of sarcasm, no one in the room heard it.
"Thanks Mrs Gilmore," he plastered on his best 'dealing with rich snobs' smile on and accepted his glass of champagne. He didn't have the stomach for the stuff, but he imagined it cost a considerable amount. At any rate he could chase it down with his scotch, which gave him a surge of feeling twenty-one again.
"Very polite," Rory whispered next to him as the rest of the family filed into the dining room for dinner.
"I'm a good boy. Woof," he mumbled.
"Good boys get the good treats," she said a little louder, grabbing his hand to guide them into the next room.
"Sexy treats?"
"That's how we got into this situation in the first place, mister."
"I bet it was the time on the washing machine," he remarked casually, watching her blush a light pink, "I love you."
"I'm hungry."
Shaking his head, he followed her dutifully into the dining room. He couldn't believe he was so lucky, not even after five years together. All the issues from the earlier evening seemed to disappear when they sat down for a meal he struggled to pronounce. Glaring a little enviously at Ritchie's spaghetti, his hand found Rory's again under the table, making her smile. Everything was perfect, more or less. Nothing could bring them down, not her grandmother's constant disapproval, and certainly not some doctor's diagnosis that probably meant nothing. If this was it for them, then it was okay.
Especially when Richard announced the cigars at the end of dessert.
This story came out of nowhere in the past few days, which is cool. Especially because of all the lovely comments I got about my future-y fic with Rory and Jess with a kid, I may as well write the conception. Okay, maybe not the conception, that's a little more M-rated than I normally go for. This was a little angsty too, more than usual. I think I'll be writing some more angst soon. I'd love to hear what you think about this story, cheers!