Alice G. Tentacles:
Squidward's life takes an unexpected turn when the Bkini Bottom Foster Housing Program(BBFHP)presents him with full custody of a smart-alec eight-year old girl named Alice. Will discovering he has a daughter finally soften his heart?
CHAPTER 1: Alice Geena Tentacles
Squidward cringed slightly as the sharp needles pierced his nose. It was early November, which meant that it was time for his monthly Nose Acupuncture. The purpose of this? To hopefully decrease the abnormally large size of his snout by deflating it a little. Not only that, but Nose Acupuncture was becoming quite popular, in some parts.
As always, he had requested Phillipe as his usual actupuncturist. A tall, skinny, Siberian homosexual of just 23, he had been in the business for five years now, and in the time he had been visiting Squidward's place, had taken a liking to Spongebob. He thought that the "short, annoying little brats were always the cutest ones." In addition to his acupuncture, Squidward had called upon the Pretty Feet pedicure salon to make a stop at his Easter Isalnd Head to make sure that all of his tenticles were gleaming. He had also placed an order for twenty-five brand new issues of Fancy Living to enjoy on his relaxation hour. To top it all off, he every now and then popped a chocolate coated Bon Bon into his mouth. Yes, the stuck-up octotopus knew how to live! But could he be blamed for knowing how to have such a fantastic life?
Squidward eased up as the tension in his nose left and released a sastified sigh. "Ahhh. You know, Phillipe, it's days like these that almost make me regret all those suicide attempts," he said. Phillipe poked another needle into his nose. "Don't move," he instructed sharply, " You're destroying my masterpiece."
Squidward sat sitll and listened to the sounds of the cool, quiet afternoon. So far, that yellow skuzball hadn't said two words since Phillipe's arrival. The little twerp was probably terrified of having a guy crush on him, especially since he was so crazy about that squirrel. But, the quieter the better, and if Phillipe's gay wonders was what did the trick, than so be it. Besides, there was never a more perfect day to enjoy being he who is Squidward-the jellyfish were buzzing merrily, the flowers up above looked even more picturesque than usual, and the air was light and warm. An absolutely glorious day, with not a worry in Squidward's mind. It was just him, Philipe, and a box full of Bon Bons. Nothing could stop this blessed Sunday from being the best one yet. But perhaps he had suposed this too soon, for just a mere few seconds later, who's Neptune damned voices should he hear other than Spongebob and Patrick's?
Squidward tried to keep himself calm as the infernal giggling began. What were those two simpletons doing now? Hadn't they embarrassed and degraded themselves and anything that was living enough? And what was worse, this was one of Squidward's few Sundays to relax! How was he supposed to enjoy it with tweetle-dumb and tweedle-just-plain-retarded causing a fuss outside?
"Don't furrow your brow, dammit! Do you want to have a balloon for a nose for ze rest of your life?" Phillipe asked, pinching Squidward's nose sharply with a needle as punishment. "Sorry, Phil, it's just that...those two morons are outside again," he replied flatly through gritted teeth. Phillipe's tone changed instantly. "Oooh, you mean the cute little sponge and ze one that doesen't wear a shirt?" he asked with delight. Squidward shuddered at Phillipe's remarks. "Well...I...uh-"
"Never mind! I'll be back in a tick-tock!"
Phillipe than rolled up his shirt and tied it behind his back, so that his well earned abs were showing. Making sure that his pants were nice and tight and his scarf was properly adjsuted, he raced outside, leaving Squidward with a needle-struck nose.
"Okay, Pat, try and catch this conch shell with your mouth!" Spongebob said happily, holding up a blue shell to throw to Patrick, who gave his friend a thumbs-up. "Ready, pal?"
"Ready, buddy!"
"Okay...here-it-comes-" Spongebob flung the shell into the air, and it soared towards Patrick. He just stood there, watching the object get closer and closer, until it finally hit him on the head. Patrick fell over backwards and saw stars for several moments. "Pretty colors," he murmured as Spongebob ran over to him. "Hey, Patrick, you okay?" he asked, helping his friend up as Phillipe scurried over to them. Patrick was still off in La La Land. "Uhhh," he responded blankly, drool escaping from his lips. Phillipe came up from behind Patrick and massaged his forehead. "Oh, that landing must've been quite ze yowser...how does this feel?" he asked gently. Spongebob was starting to back away when a large white van rounded the corner, stopped, then pulled into Squidward's driveway. "Hey, look, Squid's got a visitor," he said, pointing to the truck with a curious expression. Patrick seemed to finally be back on planet Earth. "You're right--but we're the only friends he has," he replied. Spongebob shrugged. "Maybe his family's in town."
"No, 'cause remember last time with the gas explosion? They filed a restraining order."
"Oh, yeah, I forgot about that one."
The three watched as two very muscular men in matching white business suits stepped out of the vehicle, locked the doors, and walked up to Squidward's front door. One nodded to the other, and that one rapped loudly on it. "Oh, the Fancy Living issues must be here!" Squidward cried with delight as he got up, walked over to the door and answered it.
"Are you Squidward Tentacles?" one of the men asked. "Yes, that's me," Squidward replied. The men reached into thier pockets and pulled out badges. "We're with the BBFHP. I'm Jon and this is Don. We're twins."
"Feternal twins."
"Yes, yes, quite right."
Squidward gave his famous "Hrmmm" at how random that last part was, and then questioned why they were here. "Why do we need to go inot legal matters for some magazines?" he asked. Jon and Don threw their heads back and laughed. "No, you silly creature!"
"Yes, very silly."
"We're not giving you magazines, we're giving you a child!" Squidward looked suspicously at the two. "Hey, whatever this is, I ain't buyin'!" he said, slamming the door in their faces. Jon looked over at his brother and knocked again. Squidward turned around and answered the door once more. "What??" he demanded. "Mr. Tentacles, I'm afraid you have no choice...lets' see...does the name Clara Reeves ring any bells?"
"Yes, ding-dong?"
Squidward pondered this. Of course he remebered Clara Reeves. She had been his girlfriend once, but that was over six years ago! Why would they be asking him this now?
"Um...yes, I knew her. Once, but that was some time ago," he said to them. Don nodded. "Eight years, to be exact. And in that time..." his voice trailed off. He glanced to the car and whistled. "Alice! Come on out!" There was a pause, and then a little girl in a frilly pink dress with deep aquamarine skin stepped out. She was an octopus, just like he, and was a very pretty one at that. In fact, there was quite a resemblance between her and Clara Reeves herself...
Alice bashfully walked over to the doorway with Jon and Don and smield up at Squidward. He stared down at her wiht a puzzled expression, which she instantly noticed and shot her head down. "This, Mr. Tentacles," Jon said, " Is Alice. She's eight years old, and has been in several different foster homes for almost three years now. We've been searching for her father...and we think we finally may have found him." Squidward looked at all three of them. "And, I should care about this because..." he said dully. "Because, s-s-s-sir," Alice unexpectdly squeked, "You're the one they've found."
In almost no time, Jon and Don were carrying Alice's belongings into Squidward's house. Alice happily watched from the sidelines, with Squidward watching everything happen with a wide mouth. Don stepped inside carrying a box labeled "Barbie Dolls" and Alice stopped him. "Oh, handle those with care, please. They're antique." Don winked at her and gently carried the box upstairs. Squidward could not beleive this was happening. An eight -year old was moving into his house, and he didn't even know her!
Alice walked over to the couch and plopped down on it, taking the interior of the home in. " So, this is my new house, huh? Well...I suppose it's do-able." Squidward nearly exploded. "Okay, hang on just a minute! Nobody even asked for my opinion on this-I mean, what makes you people even think I want a daughter? I hate kids!" he cried out. "It doesen't matter," Alice said from the living room, " All the government cares about is getting as many homeless kids as possible out of thier hair. Besides, the court presented you with full custody of me, so you're now my legal father," she took a sip of a nearby glass of lemonade. "Oh, and where was I when the court made this descion?!" Squidward yelled. "You probably threw away the letter or something, look I don't know, greenie," Alice said, taking another sip. Squidward began to shake with rage. "Listen up, Miss Sassy, I don't know who you are or where you came from, but you're gonna have to go back. There's no way I'm going to be a father!" Alice snorted. "Then you should've used a condom! They run for only about twenty-five cents at Big Lots," she said to him. Squidward looked at her in utter disbelief. Was this kid actually saying this to him??? "How old did you say you were again?" he asked. Alice stirred the lemonade with a popsicle stick found in her dress pocket. "Eight, and yourself?" she said. Squidward folded his arms across his chest. "Well," he said, "If you are living with me, then you're not going about with that attitude." Alice paid no attention to his statement. " Uh-huh. So where am I bunkin' at, daddy?"
Squidward massaged his already aching temple. "This is gonna be a long one," he groaned.