Comes Back To This
The first time he looked into the case file it was really just because he wanted to get to know her better. To know what drives her, how it shaped her. He thought if he could just read the file he might be able to solve the mystery that was Detective Katherine Beckett NYPD, the mystery that plagued his thoughts.
When the file really only confirmed what he already knew, he dug deeper looking for further information, some puzzle piece that would unlock the mystery, solve the case find the killer and maybe fix the crack it had put in her. But of course, nothing was ever as simple as it was in his novels and instead of finding more answers, he only found more questions. More mysteries that needed solving. Things that he'd need her help with. That he had to tell her about because he wasn't going to be her hero on this. He wasn't going to be able to solve the case.
The second time the case came up he did everything he could for her, but this time she was right by his side. They figured it out together, or rather found more questions to answer together.
The third time she came to him asking him to be there when she got more information. To be there when they ended up with more questions and no answers, besides that it was bigger than anything was they'd originally conceived. The third time they crossed a boundary in their relationship in the name of saving their friends, but it couldn't be undone even if they never addressed it.
The fourth time he watches her fall down the rabbit hole and scrambles keep her with him, clutching onto every hand hold he can find. He fights her tooth and nail and refuses to leave even when she orders him away because it's too late she's stuck with him on this because it's his fault in the first place.
The fifth time she took a bullet to the heart because he had to ask for the file that first time. It's his own fault that he had to watch the life drain out of her.
So the sixth time they dive into the case he's right there holding her hand, making sure she doesn't go too far, doesn't push too hard. And when Mr. Smith calls and tells him that she has to back off, that she can't look into it any more, or she will die, he takes it to heart and he talks her down off the ledge because it's not just her life that depends on it, it's his too. He can't lose her.
The seventh time isn't really distinguishable from the sixth time, it's only different because she's no longer looking with him. Not that he's really getting far but he spends hours looking at the board in his office, adding the little piece that somehow the mayor is involved, moving things around trying to make sense of it, but getting nowhere.
The eighth time it changes everything because the case came up again. They fell into this time. And they're in a downward spiral but this time she's clutching onto him just as hard as he's holding onto her. This time when he shows her what he's found she doesn't yell at him doesn't leave as he stutters through his explanation, and he takes her silence as a bad thing and now he feels like he's falling down the hole without her.
The first time she was able to look into the case it pulled her under. Further than she'd ever thought possible as a child but it wasn't until she woke up in the hospital because of exhaustion her training office and captain standing over her that she had to step back from it. That she had to figure out how to be a cop and let it drive her and not let it consume her. Just that took a year of therapy and throwing herself into something else. Being a detective.
The first time he looked into it, she managed to stay afloat, she had to kick him out, she couldn't fall down that hole again. There was nothing to hold onto to prevent her from hitting bottom this time and she just couldn't do it. She'd found her feet and she needed to keep them so he had to go.
But the second time it came up when he was around she felt better for his presence. He was a lifeline for her. Something that anchored her in all the turmoil, a solid presence next to her.
The third time something happened they were partners, they defined it, partners. It was solid and real, and something she'd never had before, a partner that would go to any length to help her. Even if it cost him.
The fourth time she was slipping. She could feel it, could see it in his eyes when he asked her back down, to step back, but she was so close she could feel it. If she could just close it, if she could just find the end everything would be ok. Except it wasn't and everything got ripped to shreds, but he was still there holding onto her.
Just when she was ready to step back and move forward in the right direction the fifth time struck her in the heart, leaving scars on her body to match the ones on her heart as he crouched over her trying to stop the blood flow confessing something she already knew. But hearing it as her life rushed between her fingers and she couldn't even get say it back, was harder than anything else had ever been.
But she woke up, by all rights she shouldn't of. She'd known that the moment the bullet hit. She wasn't supposed to wake up. But she did. And it was all too much because she didn't know what to do any more. So she did what she knew how to do best and stepped back cut him out.
Except she couldn't. And when she came back for the sixth time, he was still there. Well she had to go get him, but he hadn't really gone anywhere. This time when she'd felt herself slipping down the whole she grabbed onto the rope he threw her and climbed out of the hole.
Instead, she let herself fall down a different slope. She actually let herself fall down this one because that's the healthy thing to do. She let herself be in love with him. And she was finally happy and in a good place.
That was when the case fell into their lap for the seventh time she's holding onto him as tight as possible because he's the only reason she has to not follow it to end of the earth. But she's sitting in his office as he shows her his own version of a murder board. Hers is hand written on the shutters in her office, his is electronic and flashy and so very him, but they're exactly the same thing. Evidence that everything will always come back to this while it goes unsolved.
The truth is he hasn't gotten very far and he's babbling about how he only did it to protect her and he can't lose her. He's taking her silence as a bad thing and she has to make him stop because she's so mad at him and he's talking like if he stops she'll leave and he'll never see her again.
So she has to be the one that steps into his space and cradles his face as she kisses him because it's really the sweetest thing he's ever done for her even if she's so mad at him she could shoot him. He's blinking at her rapidly, confused as hell before she smacks the back of his head. "You can't die on me either," She tells him and then she gathers her coat and then walks out of the loft.