And so, I felt like writing a new fic. Yeah, I don't even know what it'll be about, so bear with me if you decide to read it :D I am starting now. Mostly inspired by a Spanish song by Mecano. If anyone feels like looking for it, it's called: Me cuesta tanto olvidarte. If you want its translation, Ive got it. Just PM me. I won't bite :D It's not full moon yet XD
I don't own DGM, Rabi or Kanda. If I did, Kanda would've fled with Rabi, not with Alma XDDD (Sorry, Alma, nothing personal XD). Spelling, grammar and typing mistakes might be around. Sorry. I am half asleep already.
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Cold
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Cold bastards were always cold.
At least that was how he tried to take it. Coldly, objective, detached. It shouldn't represent any trouble to him, being as he was and having the work he had. Being a Bookman apprentice sure had its fair points. It shouldn't be hard at all.
Then, why were his insides burning with such a white wrath? Wasn't he supposed to feel anything? His heart bumped fast against his chest and his throat. Suddenly recording became a task he couldn't fulfil, and so, he felt the need of having fresh air.
"Where are you going…Rabi?" asked his master as he stood out of a sudden. He watched the youngster with those inquiring eyes of his. The red-haired boy replied, sorely:
"Wanna have some air, old geezer…" and, with no further explanation, he left the library where they were trying to record the recent events in the North American Branch of the Black Order.
Well, he wasn't telling lies. That was exactly what he meant to do: having some fresh air to clear his mind, to void his head (and…heart?) of any thoughts (or feelings?) related to that human icicle he had to record at the moment…
An exorcist called Kanda Yuu.
He walked as though his legs guided him, somewhere, on their own. And he followed obediently. He didn't know where. He just wanted to leave for a while.
Rabi ended up in the Headquarters' garden. Instead of being drained, his head filled with memories and thoughts. His lips curled slightly into a reminiscent smile.
"You were always so mean…" he let out to the air, thoughtlessly, as he walked through the neat place. It seemed so dull now, even if the sunlight stole some glints from the dewdrops that lied upon the flowers' petals.
He closed his eye and let himself go with the scent of wet soil. This was really ironic: trying to forget about Yuu in one of the places that would remind him of the Asian exorcist the most. He used to be so tender with the flowers, Yuu was. Rabi loved to see him so calmed and peaceful as he took care of them when he thought no one was watching him. But Rabi did know about that. And, if he dared to voice it out, suggest it, or even coo at such fact, it would surely earn him a punch on the head, and a rough: "Shut up, baka usagi…"
But that was his Yuu before he left… His sweet Yuu…
They used to have a relationship. It was never anything explicit, though, some could tell. He never knew how they ended up being so close and how they started developing feelings for each other. Both were pretty much alike. Both were cold bastards in their own ways, but both needed each other as well. Probably it was that…
Probably, the fact that they felt so identified made the relationship last for so long and feel so magical, so free, so comprehensive and so comforting.
However, before Yuu went to the last mission he was sent to, Rabi decided to break up that relationship, as if foretelling what would happen after that.
But that wasn't the reason at first.
When he told Kanda about it, he was grinning, playfully. The Japanese boy stood in front of him, frowning, arms crossed in front of his chest. Rabi's grin was to contrast the look of misbelieve in Kanda's eyes.
"You cold bastard..." Yuu told him at that time. It didn't change Rabi's expression whatsoever. Kanda's scowl grew deeper.
"Why cold?" he asked, his voice tune coordinated with his expression. "You were always complaining about how troublesome it was to have me as a boyfriend. Well, here you go. We're not a couple anymore..."
Kanda's eyes buried into Rabi's lonely green one. They clashed against a thick, concrete wall. But Rabi could see... He could see the other's annoyance, confusion and pain gazing at him.
Though, no one else could have told about that. Such was a proof of how much he knew Yuu... His Yuu...
The long haired exorcist narrowed his eyes. He stared at him for another moment, but never asked for an explanation. The only thing he said was "Have it your way, Rabi..." and after a slight "chih", he walked away as calmed as he always did.
The red-head kept his dull grin on until he lost sight of Kanda's back. Then, he put his arms behind his nape and turned to go to his own room. Smile still put, he thought that was the best he could do. Rabi wasn't a real exorcist. He would never be...
And his work as a Bookman was finally starting. He couldn't drag anything along...
Not to mention, anyone...
Because if he did, it would be harder to say goodbye later, whatever the reason was for them to do so... Still, he did it because he thought he'd be the one leaving first.
But now? Why did it hurt so much? Why was he so angry at his flight? Shouldn't he be happy? If you saw the bright side, Kanda finally was with the person he had been looking for, that person he loved... The one who kept Kanda alive all these years, making it possible to Rabi to meet him...
He should be happy. Yuu surely was. But why couldn't he?
If he saw it through the selfish side, there was anything worth anchoring him to the Order anymore. He could go on, continue his path as a Bookman freely and easily...
He should be calm, take everything as he usually did. Yet, why was it so hard to bear his...absence...?
"SHIT!" he screamed. He didn't know when, but he took a bush of flowers with his hands and tore them away. And then, he ran. He ran, ran, ran, ran. Ran as fast as he could: ran away from his thoughts, away from the memories, from the pain...
From the memory of his Yuu...
He ran so deep into the woods and so fast that he ended up panting his way to a near tree so he could rest. He closed his eye again as he slid himself on the trunk. He balled his hands into fists and put them on his face as his knees clamped against his chest.
He was supposed to take it cold. As he tried to do with everything else. But it was hard. So hard. Why was it so hard? It hadn't been that hard before. What made it so hard?
The bumping inside his chest and the sudden lump inside his throat gave him the answer: his heart, the only item a Bookman had to neglect, throw away, burn to ashes... His heart was alive. And it felt all the weight of his loss deeply. His heart longed Yuu's presence. He couldn't stop feeling it. It was painful. And he wanted it to stop.
And the only way he could have been sure it would was having Yuu back.
He missed his Yuu. He wanted to see him again, to run to his arms, kiss him all over the face, tell him how much he loved him and how much he regretted wasting the last few days they could be together before he left... He wanted to feel, his perfect, porcelain, white skin beneath his fingertips; to run his fingers through his long, silky, raven hair; to taste his lips once more and to get lost in his essence... He wanted to hear him calling his name, or his nickname or both with his manly voice and to see that slight glint of mischief that appeared in his eyes every time he made Rabi pout...
He wanted his Yuu. He didn't only want a perfect record of his features printed inside his head, as a dead colourless picture. He didn't want to record him as part of the Lost History because he was part of his... He would have to stop describing how beautiful and graceful his movements were; how he used to care about him; how he made him think he didn't give a damn about him when he really did... How he faked to be cold but ended up betraying himself because he ended up being kind, in his own blunt, Kanda Yuu-ish way...
And it hit him then. He faked it. He faked being a cold guy; that was true. Rabi was always aware of it, but never quite consciously. And, as Kanda faked...
Of course it meant he, Rabi, could too. And that way he, maybe, could hide his concern, use his cold self, try to conceal his feelings for Yuu deep inside his heart and keep them for himself when the Panda left him alone. He could fake being cold...
And that way he wouldn't have to forget about Yuu and he could wait for him to come back. If he ever did...
Because he was coming back. Maybe not because of the Order...but somehow he was sure now...
Somehow, such thought didn't seem to be so ridiculous at that moment.
A hopeful smile drew itself through his face, wet in a mixture of sweat and few stray tears. He wiped those fluids away from his cheeks and stood up.
It was time for him to go on too. But always with Yuu's memories beside him.
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And so, it turned out to be quite angsty with a faint sparkle of hope in the end. This won't be a oneshot, mind you. I still need chapter two: Warmth. Like how it sounds. Any typo, complaints or anything is meant to go in the review.
Review, plz. You never do ;_;
Thanks if you managed to get here *bows deeply*
Rin kun