This is a collection of stories. Not one. Brisingr Spoilers, you were warned.
The Red Wedding
It was the night of Stronghammer and Katrina's wedding. Nasuada and fifty other Varden sat at one of the tables in the new tent, watching Roran and Katrina dance happily together. That one song from Star Wars: A New Hope played, you know, where Brom and Luke are in the pub in Tatooine? And some other songs from Lord of the Rings played as well. The leader of the Varden sighed; Katrina and Roran looked so happy and so did everyone else dancing to the jazzy music. Even Arya and Elva were dancing. How come she never had fun? Other than being the leader over the Varden, nothing interesting ever worked out for Nasuada. She thought about Murtagh. "Our wedding would be so much better than this."
But then, for some reason, she began to grow nervous. She saw Eragon in the corner, laughing at some elven joke that wasn't even funny. High on the second floor of the tent (yes, there was a second floor) dwarves sung and danced as well. One was so drunk that he began to read Twilight. But still, she felt as if some evil god had left an evil atmosphere over the party...She could not help but feel something was wrong...Something was being foreshadowed by the author of the fanfic...but what?
"Would you like to dance MILADY?!" Nasuada looked up and to her surprise, it was Saphira.
"Saphira, are you drunk?!"
"NO!!11 LOL"
Nasuada sat at another table. Then, she began to eat chicken legs. Murtagh and Blodgharm entered her mind as she ate and she became even sadder.
"AN ELF AN ELF THERE WAS AN ELF" One dwarf was singing outrageously loud. Nasuada gritted her teeth when she realized who they were singing about. "ALL BIG AND BLUE AND COVERED IN FUR." At first, she thought it was a jest towards her, but remembered that all the others girls in the Varden swooned over Blodgharm.
She grumbled something to herself, deciding that she would leave the party and do something meaningful in her own tent, like write a novel with good characterization. "I think I'll do just that."
She was going to leave when an evil voice called out to her...
"Hey Nasuada!" She turned around and saw Eragon smiling.
"What, Eragon?!" He had startled her. Why am I so jumpy?
(Author's Note: That is because something bad is going to happen. )
"Can't let you leave without eating some of this Dragonriderific Carrot Cake. It's from Ellesmera. The elves made it. It tastes wonderful! Smells like pine needles, too."
"No, Eragon, I am fine."
"Well...come over here and we can discuss the horrors of war! It'll be fun and will make me NOT seem like a sociopath."
"Heh, no, I am tired."
"Well, at least stick around for the bedding."
"I don't want to."
"Fine, fine, go away then."
Enraged at Eragon's childishness, Nasuada did not "go away then" but grabbed some wine. She sat down on another bench and watched in disbelief as a dwarf talked about how better Halo was than Gears of War.
And then there was Blodgharm (his fursona was Grey Wind, though) "Hey, Nasuada! Murr! Would you like to dance, muuurrr?"
Nasuada's cheeks grew hot, but she declined. I am the leader of the Varden. I am not supposed to show too much emotion or character.
"Well, murr. Have you seen a blue-furred elf, murr? Her name is K'ry'sta'l."
"No, Blodgharm."
"Awwww. That makes Blodgharm sad." And Blodgharm went away.
Thirty minutes passed and the climax of this story arrived.
Nasuada caught sight of a man whispering into Angela's ear. The seer looked at the man with anger and pushed him away. Then the man pulled out an axe and killed her.
Now everything moved in slow motion...
The dwarven music still plaid...but Nasuada didn't see musicians up there, but crossbowmen! "Oh SNAP!" she yelled.
The party had been pooped! People were killing each other now. Katrina looked around in horror as Roran killed people left and right.
"Yo, this party is garbage!" said Fadawar.
Nasuada saw Eragon fighting four men men (a quad). She had to crawl to reach him, tim him. Dwarven crossbow stuff was flying in the air above her. "Must...reach...Era...gone." If he was killed, the war would be over and Galbatorix would defeat the Varden.
Finally, she reached the table near Eragon, but too late, for a crossbow thing had embedded itself in Eragon's leg! He fell to his knees as another sliced through his chest. She was about to pull it out when...
(Author's Note: STOP READING THIS RIGHT NOW AND GO TO YOUTUBE! Search "Star Wolf theme" ((the Nintendo 64 version)) and listen to it while reading the next part)
"Can't let you do that Nightstalker..." There was Orik...King Orik, standing with the dwarven crossbowmen. The dwarven musicians began to play Star Wolf's theme.
"Hrothgar has hired us to take you down," said Murtagh.
"Too bad Brom's not here to see you PHAIL!" said Murtagh again.
"Orik, please, don't kill him!" Nasuada was sad.
"Too bad. If we allow Eragon to live, our world, Alagaesia will be polluted with a Gary Stue forever. What if someone is writing about all this? Our world, our fight against Galbatorix. So far, it's pretty cliche, lame, boring and stale; do you think these alternate reality readers will be interested? But without Eragon, things will be much more different and interesting. Interesting characters or characters with potential to be interesting such as you, Nasuada, me, Murtagh and a few others will live on and destroy the need for fanfictions like this."
"But you AREN'T an interesting character, Orik," someone said.
"Heh, I am now."
Then, Murtagh appeared behind Eragon...with a Sword!
"Emperor Galbatorix sends his regards!" He pushed the Sword through Eragon's heart and killed him.
Epilogue: Later on, Saphira was killed, too and they cut her head off and put it onto Eragon's corpse. Nasuada was sent to a Character Development Center and Arya was sent back to Uru'Baen to be flogged with the Whip of Flaws so that she could be flawed. Roran was forced to watch Passion of the Christ so that he learned that love does not heal pain and was later also whipped with the Whip of Flaws. Galbatorix retired and became a world golf champion. Then, Elva brought Angela back to life, seeing that she was an interesting character, but the spell was a dud and Angela became a cheap ripoff of Lady Stoneheart AKA unCatelyn.
193
(No one gets kicked into a hole in this 300 parody)
"TOMORROW! We dine in Helgrind!"
Some cheers went up through the crowd of Varden soldiers. Roran stood on a big thing, giving a speech that displayed his manliness and dominance over the lesser characters. Katrina was at his side. While speaching, he thought of Katrina, how beautiful their baby would be after staying 12 months in her belly...Katrina's belly. 'We'll be like the Huxtables!" he thought and smiled.
Then, the time came to go to sleep and he went home and had sex with Katrina and woke up, then went back to sleep, then woke up again, cursed, went back to sleep and woke up and put his armor on. It was morning.
"Katrina...what must a manly man do in a world every evil guys keep acting evil?"
Katrina answered. "It is not a question of what a Carvahallen citizen should do, nor a husband. Instead, ask yourself, my dearest love, what would you do?"
"Thanks, Kat. Be sure not to cheat on me while I'm gone."
"LOL, You're so funny, Roran, bye!"
And Roran and the other insignificant soldiers left. They walked through forests, jungles, swamps, planets, and tundras. They faced many adventures such as killing Imperial Scouts, solving dungeon puzzles, saying no to drugs, and arguing amongst themselves. Roran always thought of Katrina. He loved that woman with all his might.
After a skirmish with a couple of Imperial soldiers, Roran ordered his men to take cover. "Check ammo," he said.
"Eh...Hey, Sergeant Roran," said one soldier. He held a broken bow. "Something's wrong with this thing...It keeps jamming, see?" He stood up and an arrow flew through his head.
"IMPERIAL BOWMEN!"
And then they were caught in a fight! Roran stood up and drew his sword.
"Blade, be true this day..." he said.
Bringer of death.
Sword of truth.
Roran jumped in the air like a wild alleycat and chopped off a man's hand, then killed him. Then, he flipped and killed another guy, and then another one, but only injured the next. Then, he saw a group of guys rushing towards him. Roran threw a grenade and killed them, jumped from the explosion, and chopped off another guy's head. Then, he took out a bow and shot fourteen people in two seconds and switched back to his sword and chopped off a guy's nose. After that, he punched someone with his fist and kicked him in the neck. Then, he extinguished someone else's life by throwing him in the sky and then spun around and nailed someone in the heart with his fingers. After that, he jumped in the air again, chopped up the guy he had thrown in the air a second ago, caught some of the blood in his hands, threw it in one soldier's eyes to blind him and then, broke his neck.
A sword struck his thigh, but he thought of Katrina and it stopped hurting.
A hammer slammed into his head, but he thought of Katrina's bosom and it was okay.
A .50 caliber bullet slammed into his heart, but his love for Katrina removed it.
Marcus Fenix tried to chainsaw him with his Lancer, but he thought of Katrina and Marcus died, but his love for Katrina didn't!
Finally, he won the fight and his men were all alright, except for one who had slipped and fallen face-first into an open copy of Breaking Dawn. The man was never the same again. But it was okay, because RORAN had survived.
"193 soldiers! You're good Roran."
"Uma Thurman would be proud."
"Master Chief would be proud, too."
"Hell yeah! He killed Marcus Fenix, Master Chief would REALLY be proud."
But when Roran got home, he saw that his baby had already been born...
And it was not a human baby...
...
BUT A RA'ZAC BABY!
Epilogue: They ended up naming the baby Renessmei. Little Renessmei eventually grew up, killed his father (Katrina died in childbirth) and Eragon and brought Great Character Development to the world of Alagaesia.
Under Renessmei's empire, the elves were enslaved and forced to pick pine