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Summary: Just after the ending scene in "Designate This", Max's continued thoughts as she stands on the Space Needle.

Song: Somewhere Out There by Our Lady Peace

Somwhere Out There

By

Brin

"Funny how from up here, it looks like nothing's changed. Only everything's changed. Not just me and Logan...everything. The whole time I was at Manticore, all I wanted was my strange little life back. Never figured it could get any stranger. But I guess it's gonna. And I guess I'm just gonna have to deal with it." –Max, DT

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You know the worst thing about torching the place is that I'm right back where I started—totally alone. One year ago I stood in this very spot wondering if any of them had made it out; if they had even lived through the ordeal. And now, I'm wondering all over again if any of them are still alive.

Brin… oh God, Brin. Our baby sister. Would she have left? Reindoctrination was a bitch. Her loyalty to Manticore was downright scary. It was like her mind was… lost. I don't understand how they could've done that to her and gone home to their dysfunctional families to sleep.

Brin was always the sweetest little thing. She was always the first to help out, but, unfortunately, last to be picked for teams. She was always second in line for termination because her genes had the most failures, but Lydecker kept her out of the autopsy room. I guess I can thank him for that. It was kind of like we were the 'popular kids in school' and Brin was a grade younger, just trying to keep up with us. But we loved her no less and no more than everyone else.

Last time I talked to you,

you were lonely and out of place.

You were looking down on me,

lost out in space.

Laid underneath the stars,

strung out and feeling brave.

Watch the riddles glow,

watch them float away

I remember the first time we were ever outside during a snowstorm. I remember seeing Brin standing there, head back, catching snowflakes on her tongue. We didn't understand why she was doing that—our logic told us that we had water back inside the building and didn't need it while on a mission. On top of that, X5s could go for a week without water. She explained to us that it was fun, but no one even bothered to try it. Zack made it clear that she was not to do that anymore and the mission continued—like always. Few years later; some months after we got out, I was somewhere in Oregon just trying to survive the weather. It started snowing. I remember the guilty pleasure I felt as I threw my head back to catch snow on my tongue.

Back at Manticore, Brin was the one who made our non-existent childhood… a little more childish, for lack of a better word. That's probably why she got along best with Ben. She was the one who would mention, ever so slyly, the fact that Zack's voice was higher than Lydecker's, then step back to watch the chaos that ensued; the one who would be fascinated by crickets chirping at night just outside our window… The one who chased frogs by the river when no one was looking.

But now she's gone. Manticore forced her to grow up—forced her to forget what she loved most: the child inside her. They made her believe that she was nothing more than a walking science experiment. Yet… deep down inside, I know that Brin is still there. She was never 734, unlike the rest of us, who were nothing but barcodes until we turned four. She was always Brin, whether or not she had the name yet… and she will always be Brin, our baby sister.

Down here in the atmosphere,

Garbage and city lights,

You gotta save your tired soul,

You gotta save our lives.

Turn on the radio,

To find you on sattellite,

I'm waiting for the sky to fall,

I'm waiting for a sign.

All we are is all so far

And Zack… he was hooked up to all those machines. Could he have gotten out? Could he survive away from those machines? Would anyone have helped him? I honestly don't know if they would… I mean, I know those soldiers had hearts, right? Everyone has a heart. Don't they?

Zack was our Commanding Officer. The one who kept us in line and, after we escaped, the one who kept our butts out of trouble. But he was always, always first and foremost our big brother. Sure, he was a bit harsh on us—but paranoia is genetically encoded into our DNA so I can't really blame him. All he wanted to do was protect us from Manticore. And when we didn't listen to him… bad things happened. Like that close call with Lydecker and his military friend. We both knew that we could've gotten Brin out during the night, when everyone was asleep, but I didn't listen. I messed up the plan. We got Brin out, yeah… but from then on, Lydecker knew what we looked like and kept an eye out for our faces. The worst of it was probably the want ad he put out. I can't believe Zack turned himself in for me; risking the capture of us all.

You're falling back to me,

the star that I can't see.

I know you're out there,

somewhere out there.

You're falling out of reach,

defying gravity,

I know you're out there,

somewhere out there

He really loved me. I admit it—I knew he was in love with me from the start. But things were just so… complicated. And it wasn't just Logan. Zack was supposed to be my brother, not my lover. But, if I really think about it, I know that the only thing that made us all brothers and sisters was the bond we shared. Krit was the only one blood-related to me. Zane was the only one blood-related to Zack. Yet I used the brother excuse to drive him away from me… to hurt him more. The only plausible excuse I had was Logan. And deep down inside, maybe I loved Zack as well.

Back at Manticore, Zack was the brightest contract to Brin. He had to grow up just a little bit faster than the rest of us and be just a little bit meaner. He never did anything childish. When we'd sit on each other's bunks and talk at night, he'd watch us from his bunk in the corner like a babysitter. If we got into squabbles… Zack would break them up. If we got hurt… Zack was there to help. And if we needed someone to talk to… Zack was by our side.

During sparring matches, he wouldn't dare hit us full-force. He'd give us a few taps, then throw us down to end the match. Nobody even tried to beat him. We respected him way too much to do that. Besides, none of us even considered the fact that we could beat him.

When we'd choose partners for escape and evade practices, he'd be by himself. Everyone knew that he'd (inconspicuously, of course) help us out from time to time. For instance, one time Tinga was having trouble with her gun because it had rusted. Something behind her rustled and she went over to find someone else's gun lying in the bushes. She exchanged it for her own gun, but the moment she turned around her old gun disappeared. We had all been so excited when she told us what happened, and Ben said it was the Blue Lady, but Zack had stood away from us, watching with one of those rare smiles. I miss him so much.

Hope you remember me,

when you're homesick and need a change.

I miss your purple hair,

I miss the way you taste.

I know you'll come back someday,

on a bed of nails I wait.

I'm praying that you don't burn out,

or fade away.

All we are is all so far

I never got to find out if Syl and Krit got out safely… if they even lived through the whole ordeal. But, knowing them, they probably got out just in time. They have that kind of luck when it comes to dangerous missions. I wonder what their reaction was when we never returned. They were never the emotional type… except with each other.

Syl and Krit are like the same person. Sometimes I'd wonder if they share the same brain. During escape and evade, it was like they could read each others' minds. Our hearing, of course, is excellent, so we could always hear plans if we talked to our partner about them, and we'd have to use hand signals. Syl and Krit, however, never used hand signals—or anything for that matter. They just… knew what they would do from the beginning. One would attack from the side while the other jumped down from the trees with perfect timing. It was an amazing thing to watch.

And I never missed a beat during the small time we had together before we blew up the DNA lab. Syl and Krit have chemistry. I'm not sure Logan and I have that much chemistry. They work together, eat together, breathe together. While we were drawing up plans, it was easy to catch the googly-eyed looks they traded. I always expected them to end up together. Kids. White picket fence and blue minivan. You know, the works. Happily ever after.

You're falling back to me,

the star that I can't see.

I know you're out there, oh.

You're falling out of reach,

defying gravity....

I know you're out there,

somewhere out there.

You're falling back to me,

the star that I can't see.

I know you're out there,

somewhere out there.

Sometimes, if I sit up here long enough, I start thinking about the ones that I haven't seen yet. Like Jondy and Zane. They were always the comic relief of our day… Jondy with her bitter sarcasm and Zane with his dopey green eyes and funny facial expressions. Zack didn't approve, of course, but we loved watching Jondy and Zane squabble over the smallest things. It'd start out as an argument over who got more food that day, then, inevitably, it'd turn into a verbal war. They never fought, though. The rest of us would be angry at each other for short periods of time, but Jondy and Zane were always happy. Not just with each other, but with the rest of us. We could be bummed out about failing a mission or something, yet when the doors closed Jondy and Zane were smiling around like nothing happened.

Jondy was my best friend since as far back as I could remember. We were born like two weeks apart, so she reveled in calling me 'little sister.' Late at night, when everyone else was a sleep and our shark DNA kept us up, we'd talk about things… forbidden things. We'd talk about the outside. We'd talk about the fact that around October the staff's clothes would consist of more orange and black. Or about the evergreen tree pin a doctor was once wearing. We made up hundreds of little pacts—too many for even me to remember. Every time something went wrong, we'd make a new pact to make sure it never happened again. We had a secret little handshake that consisted of a few battle signs—shoot, upward, sky, tree, and bird. And sometimes, when we were sure no one was listening… we'd talk about the strange feelings we had for some of the boys. Jondy always had a crush on Zack, and for awhile I had this little… thing for Ben. I got over it, though. I wonder if Jondy ever did.

You're falling out of reach,

defying gravity,

I know you're out there,

somewhere out there.

You're falling back to me,

the star that I can't see.

I know you're out there, oh.

You're falling out of reach,

defying gravity....

I know you're out there,

somewhere out there.

Damn, I miss them. I miss their smiles, their voices, the way they move. I miss the late night talks and shadow creatures against the walls. I miss the hugs and the laughter. I miss anything worth missing and more about them. I miss the way Tinga would talk about how, one day, she was going to grow her hair long—longer than any of us had ever seen. I miss the way Zane would mock Lydecker behind his back, then snap back to attention when Lydecker turned around again. I miss Eva, and her gentle demeanor. I miss Ben's stories. I miss Brin's beautiful almond eyes. I miss Jack's bucked teeth. I'd give anything to be with them again, even if it meant going back to Manticore. I mean, sometimes I can convince myself that they're right here in Seattle. I'll go home and look around my apartment, just hoping they'd show up underneath a table or something.

I even see them in my sleep. The dream is always the same—they're standing around, all grown up, having a party. They have drinks in their hands and they're laughing at something Zane is saying. And I'm right there with them, between Jondy and Brin, holding a strawberry tequila. It's like… I can almost touch them, but they're just out of my reach. Whenever I try to get involved in the party, the dream fades away and I wake up once again.

But, as hard as it may seem, I know I have to go on. Because on day… we'll all be together again. Whether it be in the Good Place, Heaven, or Hell. We'll have the party of my dreams and everyone will be happy.

Until then, it offers me just a little comfort to know they're out there. Somewhere out there.

You're falling back to me,
the star that I can't see.
I know you're out there,
somewhere out there.
You're falling out of reach,
defying gravity,
I know you're out there,
somewhere out there.
You're falling back to me.
Well I know,
I know.
You're falling out of reach.
I know...

finis

Questions? Comments? Email me at QTPIECHKA@aol.com