Part One of Three
"How come "Ann Jane" is never here when Daddy is, do they not share well?"
The question came seemingly out of the blue. Maura and Daniel, her five year old companion to the park, had been walking along the gravel path leading down the hill when the initial inquiry was made. Daniel was like her in that way though, they both just spouted off questions whenever they had them. It was endearing, but also heartbreaking to think that her son might face the same hardships that she did while growing up and being the odd one.
"It's "Aunt Jane" Daniel, and I'm not sure what you mean? Could you explain it to me?", she could already feel the prickling of her skin at the slight aversion to the truth. She knew what he meant, and he really had named the problem far too close for Maura's comfort level. Granted, he was still a boy and had not developed the mindset for a romantic set of thoughts, but even if he was referring to his toys, in essence, he was 100% accurate. Her two favorite people in her life were not good at sharing her and had to desire to do so.
"Okay. Aunt. Jane." with a little accentuation on the "t", the little boy's cheeks turned up as he smiled up at his mother. "When will she visit again? Can we go home and look at the map? I wanna see where Ann Jane is at!" her tiny human asked while jumping up and down nearly yanking Maura's arm off in excitement. Very rarely did he show any outward signs of excitement; he was an introvert like her. Other than that, his rugged brown curls and mischievous eyes were characteristics that his father possessed. Ironically enough, those were some of the reasons that Maura had fallen for him.
"I suppose, it's been nearly a month. Your father did leave a few weeks ago, and we forgot to do it last time, huh?" Maura knelt down to the boy's eye level and placed loving hands on his face to ensure that her message came across at loving and not disciplinary. "You can always ask about Aunt Jane, Daniel, you don't have to wait until your father has left. But, your father loves you and he only wants to spend time with you when he's in town, that's why we don't see Jane while he's here". A small lie wouldn't hurt, right? It wasn't even a lie, just a partial truth.
Maura laughed as her son bit his lip, sign that he was analyzing her words carefully. His concentration was broken when Maura's hands fell from his face to tickle his shoulders lightly. It wasn't a very obvious sign of affection- Maura and her son both shared an aversion to public display- but it was enough for him to know that he was not in trouble, and everything was okay.
"Okay so: I can ask about Aunt Jane whenever I want, but I shouldn't ask a lot around Daddy?" he looked at her with earnest eyes, he'd come to this conclusion and he truly hoped he was correct. His mother nodded at him with a proud smile and stood back up to take his hand. They turned around to leave the park. Daniel felt a tiny tug on his hand and look up at his mother. She was looking at him to make sure that he truly wanted to do this, so he smiled at her and picked up his pace. He really wanted to see where Jane was! Maybe, if his mother was feeling particularly nice, she let him call her!
They loaded their tote bag into the back of the SUV and Maura opened the side door. Daniel used the running board to hoist himself into his booster seat and fastened all the buckled. He raised his hands in the air and yelled "Done! Check me?!" Maura giggled at her son's little competition with himself to beat his own time.
"Oh, you didn't fasten the lap belt all the way D" Maura patted the half buckled piece laying across his jeans. He pouted, he had just wanted to beat his time. But, that's what happens when you aren't thorough. "but I think you tried very hard, I'll just add a second onto your time. Remember though, I'd rather you take longer to put it together than not be safe in case anything were to happen okay Little Man?" the term of endearment slipped out before Maura could stop it.
"That's what Jane calls me." that was all he had to say on the matter. Maura nodded, her heart was aching at their ruined moment, she'd have to be more careful in the future.
She walked around to the driver's side door and climbed in. She handed her ipod to her son, who just shook his head sadly. He was not in the mood for their car ride sing-a-longs, he just wanted to see Jane. It was a secret he kept deep in his heart next to the memories of his Gramma Constance (where Jane said that she could live forever), he very rarely thought about it but: he loved Jane more than his father. They both were gone all the time, but all his father wanted to do is talk about his travels and who he met. He never really listened to what Daniel had to say. It hurt more when he didn't listen to what his mother said though, because she was very smart and his father never even noticed that.
Jane would always talk about how much his mother knew! She would come up with the weirdest things to ask her, and most of the time his mother knew the answers! If she didn't know, Jane would remember and ask her when she came back. What Jane didn't know is that if his mother didn't know the answer to one of her funny questions, that she would research the entire subject for days at a time until she knew it. Sometimes, if she was too impatient to wait, they would face-time each other or skype. It was like they were a different type of family when Jane was in town.
Daniel sighed and tried not to cry, he really missed Jane a lot. School was almost starting again, and he hadn't seen her since Christmas. She had promised him that she would be there on his first day of kindergarten to hold his hand and make sure his mama would be okay. So, he really hoped that she remembered because he had a very important question to ask her.
Maura flipped it to the Disney playlist on her phone and started the drive home. Since she'd moved out of Beacon Hill and out into the country, she'd realized just how much she enjoyed driving. When one lives in the city, your attention is demanded by pedestrians, fellow drivers, and the city itself. But when driving down a lonely one-lane road, you can relax a little. (Unless it's spring and deer just seem to throw themselves at moving vehicles). Jane would always name the creatures that sprang out into the road, just to keep Daniel from realizing when they'd stopped so suddenly. For being a former Chief M.E,. Maura was just not comfortable explaining death to her child just yet.
Her son had fallen asleep some time on the ride home, and Maura was not about to wake him up. Even at five years old, Daniel still only slept for 9 hours a night, and Maura tried to best to get him to nap for two hours when possible to lower his sleep debt. Plus, she needed those two hours to herself to take care of the other side of her life. She crept into the driveway and turned the music down. Casting a final glance at her sleeping son, Maura shut off the car and gathered her things. The tote and their park toys could be left for a little bit, they'd most likely be using them in the near future. She carefully undid the straps of his seat and hoisted her son onto her hip. The fact that he weighed much more than the last time Maura held him like this made her realize that he was growing older and soon she he would understand just what kind of life that his mother lead.
"Hey, it'll be okay Maur- he's only five, I don't think he meant it that way" Jane's voice of reason was the only thing to ever penetrate Maura's self-deprecating thoughts when she got into one of her moods. Maura set the ipad down on the rubber mat on the side of the bathtub and reached over to grab the glass of wine she had perched on the edge of the porcelain.
"I know that, Jane, but it still threw me for a loop. I never expected him to describe it quite to accurately. I mean, he really wants to see you- you're his best friend- but I don't know if I can handle it." Maura sighed and sat up in the tub to pull the stopper out. They'd been talking for almost an hour and Maura didn't want to chance Daniel waking early and hearing Jane's voice. That's one situation that she just could not handle right now.
"Well, I'm near Chicago right now; I could easily catch a flight from O'Hare. I could be there to kiss you goodnight tonight." Jane smiled at the blonde who rose from the tub, her gorgeous curves littered with bubbles that Jane would do anything to be able to smell and wipe off of her naked body. "Or, I could at least call back in an hour and talk to Little Man, it has been a difficult few months for him. I know I haven't been around much-"
"Neither has Ian, though, and it's sad to say that I almost wish he'd never return. I know he's my husband and my child's father, but he really only holds the title for it- there's no feelings there anymore." Maura sighed and bent over to grab her tablet. She saw Jane smirk at the brief display of her naked body and clicked her tongue reproachfully. "This is not yours Jane, I'm not just free to ogle every moment of the day" Maura laughed lightly while putting her robe on one-armed. She flipped the case over and walked from the bathroom to her bedroom. She set Jane on the comforter and went to throw on some comfortable clothes. She was going to need to make a decision soon, and she needed to figure it out before her son woke up in..thirty minutes.
"Maura, I gotta run okay? My phone's dying and I'm going to hit the city where I'll have no wifi or service really. I'll text you when I'm at the airport and hopefully you can tell me where you want me to fly, okay?" Maura heard Jane's voice and bolted half-dressed from her closet to see Jane one last time.
"Love ya, see ya Maur" Jane nodded to the blonde, who was embarrassed at how choked up she was getting over something so menial.
"Love ya, see ya Jane. Be safe" Maura whispered and tapped the hangup button. Instantaneously her background of her ipad stared at her. It was a photo taken by Jane of Maura and Daniel last Christmas when Daniel realized that his father wasn't going to make it in for the holidays. Jane had changed her plans and flown to Boston with a Santa costume and a rucksack full of presents for her two favorite people. She'd burst into their house with a camera ready to photograph their initial reactions, and boy did they deliver. Maura's eyes were shining with love towards the very lithe Santa, while Daniel looked like he could care less about the bag of presents, he had Jane and that was fine. If he couldn't have both parents home for the holidays, this would do just fine!
Maura blinked back tears at the decision she had to make. She really wanted no- needed to see Jane, it had been nearly six months. That's the longest stretch of time they'd gone without seeing each other since they'd met. But last time really had affected their relationship and had almost turned out disastrous.
"Hey, you know that I love you right? I just don't like to be here when Ian is- he just loves to show you off. He knows that I love you and wish you were mine, and he loves to let it be known that you're not." Jane tapped a finger against Maura's sternum as Daniel napped in the crazy wrapping paper mess that had erupted once their initial surprise wore off and he had realized that the whole bag of gifts was for him.
"I know you love me- that's not the issue Jane. The problem is that I love you too, but I cannot and will not let myself stray from my wedding vows. I am an Isles, and we are never 'women on the side'; my dignity and pride come before everything other than my son and it scares me how willingly I let those things slide when you're around. That's another problem Jane, you don't stay. You're a traveller, it would kill you to stay.
"I run Maura, I don't do it for fun. I make the best of the bad situation. I'd stay for you though, I would. I run everywhere- I don't stop. My brain doesn't even stop for food or water, it only stops when I hear your voice. I-"
"Stay a little bit longer then, each time. Stay for longer and maybe I'll consider a talk with Ian. I love him Jane, not like a spouse, but as someone who truly cared for me when I was younger and I can't just forget that. But, that love that we had, it's long gone. I love Daniel with my entire being but after he was born I think Ian was reminded what real world responsibilities are, and he didn't like that." Maura snuggled into Jane's familiar embrace, appreciating the musky scent of her partner.
"I'll try okay. Just, it's hard yanno? After Hoyt, I - I just can't sit still. Even though he's dead, and everyone knows it. I just have a hard time staying put. I think it's because when I worked for BPD I at least had cases to distract me. But once Frost-"
"Hey." Maura placed a hand on her cheek and kissed her chin softly. "You don't have to explain yourself, not to me. We don't have to talk about this yet, it's Christmas." she laid her head back down on Jane's chest and focused on her heartbeat. After a few tense moments, she heard the tiniest whimper come from deep within Jane's chest. She looked up and gasped at how Jane seemed to be sobbing on mute. She made no noise but her eyes were red and her face contorted into silent sobs. Tears pooled in Maura's scalp but she didn't care. Jane was healing from all of her wounds, some physical- some not, and that's all the matter to Maura.
The blonde sat up on the couch and pulled Jane close to her. She nuzzled her face into the wayward curls that seemed to get larger and wilder every time she saw her. Jane kissed below Maura's ear and whispered "I miss him Maur- I really do. I just can't get over it. It's been almost four years and I still can't make peace." with that silent admission that shattered Maura's heart into tiny pieces among the strewn gifts on the floor, she had done the only thing she could think of.
She kissed Jane.
"Momma? Are you okay?" a little voice said from the doorway. Little blue eyes peeked around the corner at his mother, who was sitting in just a bra and jeans on her bed sniffling at the ipad. "Did Daddy send you another bad email? I promise I won't tell if you wanna say he's a butt-head" Daniel tried his best to reason with his mother. He knew that he was supposed to knock before entering his parent's room but his momma wasn't there when he woke up like she usually was so he got scared.
"Oh, just a moment Daniel. Go set up for a snack and I'll be right there, okay?" Maura jumped and flipped the offending tablet over onto the bed. She scooted back into her closet and grabbed a simple tank top and Jane's BPD hoodie. She grabbed her phone off the nightstand and flipped it to "loud" so she wouldn't miss her brunette's message. She opened her door and smiled at her son with his little plastic Avengers plate and utensil set all laid out. He had even opened the dishwasher and grabbed a cup too.
"Before snack time buddy, I have some good news!" Maura sat down next to her son at the table and took his little hand into hers.
"'kay" he said clearly exasperated by the delay of his routine snack. He was expecting some stupid news about his dad, who was less important than his snack.
"What would you say if we maybe had a visitor this evening. She might even stay for a few nights." Maura winked at her son.
"JANE? IS JANE COMING?" Daniel jumped out of his chair and started to dance around the kitchen. He ran over and grabbed Maura's hands, pulling her out of her chair and into a clumsy imitation Waltz.
"I think so little man!" Maura giggled as they pranced around the kitchen in terrible form, just relishing in their moment. Briefly she wondered if it was healthy for him to be so attached to Jane, yet so aloof about his father. But, she was in the same boat, so she didn't dwell for long. Daniel even chose to ignore his mother using Jane's nickname because Jane herself was coming to see them, and that was the best thing ever.