John: Can I help you?
Carolyn: Mr Finnemore, we have a few complaints.
John: Really?
Martin: Yes! I have a LOT of complaints!
Arthur: The show is... well, brilliant; but there are a few things...
John: Like what?
Carolyn: Making me into a tyrant in Abu Dhabi, and implying that I always have daggers looming over their heads.
Douglas: Making the cat scram poor Arthur.
Martin: Making me look like an idiot, and whiney, and basically antagonising and bullying me.
Arthur: And freezing the cat -
Douglas: I don't really care about the cat.
Carolyn: And that's just Abu Dhabi. Boston was a bad one for Martin and Arthur.
Arthur: I killed someone!
Martin: I was partly responsible for man-slaughter then tackled and arrested by security personnel!
Douglas: We're going to miss a few because, frankly, there's not enough time. We're just going to pick out the cruellest bits. Alcoholic with three divorces and a child I never get to see.
Carolyn: I'm twice divorced and running a failing airdot to avoid being regarded as a little old lady.
Martin: In no particular order; I don't get paid, I live on pasta and bread with the odd baked potato, I've only ever been out with four people, I'm short but played by a tall actor (Not fair!), I have to run a removals business on the side, your comments about my hair (which is GINGER, thank you! Not pink!), I stutter, I make a fool out of myself on a regular basis, all the ground crew hate me, I cry easily, I sprained my ankle showing someone how not to sprain their ankle, the Goose smoothie, the travelling lemon taped to my hat - I could go on but I'm going to faint - Oh! The inner ear thing in Ipswich! *Breaks off gasping*
Douglas: Better?
Martin: *Gasping* Much...
Arthur: Gordon Shappey as my dad. He's... not brilliant...
Carolyn: He verbally abuses you - I'd say vile.
John: ... I'm so sorry.
Douglas: We have some changes we want to make.
John: Yes?
Carolyn: MJN to become more successful so we can pay Martin.
Martin: Douglas getting a new, long term partner who will treat him right and care and love him.
Douglas: Gordon Shappey arrested so that we know he's out of the picture forever.
Arthur: And a brilliant ending!
John: And if not?
Douglas: We strike.
John: ... Alright, consider it done.
Carolyn: Thank you. Come along, Team somewhat-less-useless.
Martin: I'll catch up with you in a minute...
*Door closes*
Martin: Douglas' new partner must be ginger with freckles and a nice Captain's uniform who loves and respects Douglas and they get on very well.
John: How did I know that was coming?