Authors Note: Hey guys. Quick note, firstly I have not finished season 2. I am currently on episode 7 I think and basically I know *nothing* about the end of the fic. Hence why I've probably gotten what happens at the end horribly wrong. Secondly, this is for you Tanya :)
My head's under water,
But I'm breathing fine,
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind…
It had been two weeks since what had happened with the mountain men. Since the event which took place and Maya turned on him. It had been two weeks, and everything still hurt. Jasper regretted everything from that time. The stolen kisses, secret glances, and the tour of the art hall… they all felt so false now. Like every action involving him and Maya meant nothing… at least to her. It meant everything to Jasper. It still did.
He'd found out everything after Monty went missing. Jasper had never felt so frantic before, like a pit of guilt and worry was eating its way out from within. He'd ran the lengths of the entire site, looking for his best friend, who though he refused to admit it to himself, meant more to him than every fleeting touch with Maya combined. He hadn't realised at the time, however, just how much he was being played. The lies within lies. Maya acted like she knew nothing, that she had no clue that the creepy scientist was harvesting the 47's blood and bone marrow for 'the good of their people'.
It had all been a lie, all of it.
When Jasper got close to figuring out where Monty and Harper had gone, Maya had lost it. She screamed, crying, her face twisting up with the force of her sobs. She knew what was happening, but she couldn't tell. If she did tell anyone, she would die and she was afraid. Jasper had believed her. He had comforted her, told her that it would be okay. He'd forgiven her, for as long as he got his best friend back everything would be okay. She had directed him to the harvesting room, hanging behind him exuding a nervous atmosphere about her. He thought it was just her fear at what could happen to her afterwards, he hadn't realised it was all a trick.
He had walked into that room, wooden axe heavy in his hand. The scientist with her smile that didn't reach her eyes, and the president's son both turned around to face him… as if they'd been expecting him. Jasper couldn't remember much about what had happened soon after. He was told by both Monty and Bellamy that Maya had hit him over the head with a heavy object and that when he'd gone down they tried to put him in one of the cages. That was when Bellamy had gone crashing in, dressed fully in protective gear and holding his rifle, the trigger cocked.
Jasper had woken soon after that, pressed against the cold hard floor. Groaning, he sat up in time to see Bellamy helping Harper out of her cage before moving onto Monty. Monty. His best friend was okay, he was alive. Sure it would be a while before he was completely okay again, but being alive was a start. Jasper had smiled briefly, content that his friend was safe. That was until he had remembered Maya. Until he saw her pressed against the wall, her eyes frantic and wide. It was in that moment Jasper saw the true Maya. She wasn't afraid for them; she was afraid for herself… of what would become of her.
In that brief moment their eyes had met, and mouthing a sorry that did not seem to ring quite true, she scrambled for Bellamy's rifle. The scuffle that arose ended up in Maya's body on the floor, bullet wound to the head, her eyes staring straight at Jasper.
The president had allowed them all to leave after that; he hadn't known what was truly going on, and, offering them his deepest apologies, he allowed them to leave.
It had been two weeks since they'd left and things were still not okay. At least not for Jasper. Every time he closed his eyes he saw Maya's dead body lying on the ground beside him, or sometimes he saw a fictionalised image of Monty laying there where Maya was. Jasper could feel the emotions boiling inside of him. It was just like that time after he got speared in the chest, where everywhere he'd look he would see a grounder. The grounder gripping it's weapon tightly, gnashing it's teeth together, black blood dripping from its mouth as it did so. Except now, it wasn't a grounder. It was something much more painful.
Jasper drew in a deep stuttering breath, covering his face with his hands as he did so in order to try and bring himself out of these thoughts. He took another breath, his lungs failing to take in the desired result, forcing him to take another…and then another.
He couldn't get air. He couldn't breathe.
Grappling at his throat, Jasper doubled over, collapsing onto one of the wooden posts holding up the fence.
Forcing himself to gulp as much air as he could, Jasper staggered away towards the back of the base, collapsing face first against the cool, metal wall. The sudden pain at the contact with the wall brought Jasper suddenly out of his panic; his breaths, though still frantic, far less dire.
Bringing a hand to his face, Jasper touched where he could feel the hot red blood dripping from his nose. Looking around quickly to make sure no-one was there, Jasper wiped the blood away with the sleeve of his jacket and hurried to the river to wash the crimson red from his hands.
They couldn't know about this. They couldn't. Jasper already knew what they thought about him. The useless kid who got speared on his first day. The one who couldn't aim the gun properly. The paranoid one. The one who couldn't do anything right. The cursed one. He could go on for ages repeating what they all thought of him. They didn't say it outright, but he knew. It was implied with every look he received, every time a person avoided looking at him directly in the eyes only to watch him after he turned away. He knew. He didn't blame them. He hated himself too sometimes, enough for all of them really. Maybe the camp would be better off without him.
Jasper looked back through the trees at the camp. Everyone was milling around like normal. He could see Monty and Miller outside the gates-Monty laughing about something Miller had sad. His face was probably creased up adorably, loud laughter spilling out uncontrollably. Jasper shook his head. He refused to think of Monty like that. Focusing on the scene playing out Jasper began to feel sad again. It had been a long time since Monty had laughed, this was the first time since the mountain men. It was the way Monty used to laugh before everything happened with the ark, the way he used to be. It was Jasper's fault. It had to be. They'd definitely be better off without him, Jasper decided. Especially Monty.
Jasper sighed, all he wanted was, for once in his life, to feel like he belonged. That was one thing he could say about his time with the mountain men. Never in his life, not even on the Ark, had Jasper felt completely at home- like he belonged… Even if it had been only a little while. His time with Maya had been short, but he'd never felt like he was truly happy before her…except with Monty. Maybe that's why it hurt so much. He'd felt at home with her, like he was safe. Then of course she ruined everything, and all he'd felt since then was hurt.
He feels the hurt with Monty too. They've grown apart, and it's all Jasper's fault. If he hadn't bragged after shooting at the grounders in the trees. If he had searched for Monty harder when he first disappeared. If he hadn't been so desperate for Maya's affection and then refused to listen when Monty correctly guessed Maya's true intentions…
If.
Jasper was a terrible friend, and Monty deserved better.
Pushing down the guilt in his chest, Jasper snuck back into camp, careful to avoid Monty. As he approached their shared tent he took another shuddering breath before heading inside. Grabbing a pocket knife and some rations, Jasper stuffed them into his trouser pockets. He contemplated leaving Monty a note, to explain everything. Monty deserved an explanation, but he couldn't. Monty would just chase after him, and Monty deserved better. Jasper turned to leave and at the corner of his eye he saw his goggles, lying beside his bedding. That'll be my note, Jasper thought.
Giving a final look at the tent, Jasper took a deep breath and left.
It had been three days since Jasper left, and Monty was going frantic. His best friend was missing and it was his entire fault. After what happened with Maya, Monty had tried to give Jasper some space. Jasper didn't need his best friend who may or may not be slightly in love with him, imposing on him all the time. Of course Monty had noticed the difficulties Jasper had been facing in the past two weeks. Everyone had… the jumping, the dark eye circles, and the bleeding lips from his perpetual lip biting. It was like what happened after Jasper was speared in the chest… but worse. The PTSD was flaring up more than ever. Jasper had looked five seconds from breaking down at every moment Monty had seen him. His hair was plastered to his forehead, his face pale and clammy looking, and his eyes bloodshot and red rimmed. Don't even get Monty started on the shaking, the tremors in Jaspers hands, the nervous ticks of Jasper jiggling his left leg up and down, and running his hands through his hair. Monty knew Jasper was going through a hard time, and what did he do? Drove Jasper away.
It's been three days… and no-one has seen Jasper. None of the campers or the grounders. For all Monty knew, Jasper could be dead. But that was not happening, not one bit.
Grabbing Jasper's goggles and wrapping the elastic round his wrist thrice, Monty was ready to go after Jasper. He had stuffed the necessary equipment in his backpack, and hanging limply at his side was his rifle gun.
He swallowed thickly. He needed to do this for Jasper. Taking a deep breath he left the tent and slowly walked towards the open camp gates. He could do this; he could leave. Last time he'd tried to leave camp he'd only managed to make a few steps before he became glued to the ground. Miller stayed with him, telling him ridiculous jokes to make him feel better. It had been the first time in months he had properly laughed. It felt a little bittersweet though. Miller was a great friend but Monty wished he had spent the moment with Jasper instead. They both needed a laugh.
Monty breathed in the air again, briefly thinking back to their first day on earth. The air feeling so pure, so clean. He wanted that kind of experience again, like everything was right with the world. And it could be, it was going to be alright again. Starting with when he found Jasper.
With that, Monty took one more glance back at the rest of camp and then proceeded to plant his left foot outside of the camp. Moving his right foot to join his left, Monty gave a nervous smile at the camp before proceeding to run through the trees.
It had been three days since Jasper had left and he was running low on rations. He had limited himself yesterday to two packs of berries, and now his stomach was gnawing at him. His hunger making itself known. Jasper flopped restlessly against the tree, feeling the brown bark flake off in his hair.
How long would it take him to die out here? Jasper thought. He wasn't necessarily suicidal, though some days he wished he could end it all. At the moment it was more of a morbid curiosity. He only had one pack of berries left, his knife had turned out to be blunt, and he'd just ran out of his meat rations. At most he'd survive another three days. Maybe a little longer if he'd ration the last pack of berries further, a couple a day instead of one pack all in one go. Water wasn't a problem, the small pond of water he had found on his journey seemed devoid of any hidden monsters willing to kill him, and the water was fresh enough.
Jasper looked up at the sky, watching the advancing grey clouds. If he said he wasn't afraid he'd be lying. When that storm hit, he'd be on his own, with limited food and no shelter. If he didn't die due to his hunger, or the storm, he'd be left vulnerable to any grounders. His weapon was useless and so was he. Jasper sighed and tried to remind himself once again that this was the right decision. Everyone at camp would be fine, at ease once again without the crazy one there. Maybe things would progress faster without the gossip.
Sliding down from his sitting position, Jasper scrunched up his jacket and laid it under his head. Closing his eyes, Jasper tried to fall into a deep sleep. A vain attempt to pass the day away.
Half an hour or so later, Jasper's breathing evened out and he fell into an uneasy sleep. His sleep was filled with the dreams of all that would be at Camp Jaha without him there. There was no doubt that the camp would flourish, under the joint rule of Clarke and her mother, Abby, the camp was sure to succeed. Clarke would probably end up dating Bellamy in his absence. Before Jasper had even left the tension between the two was obvious. If they were left alone together one more time, they'd probably end up in an impromptu make out session.
In his sleep, Jasper smiled, Clarke and Bellamy deserved to be happy. Octavia and Lincoln, he could see in a few years having a little grounder of their own. Dark fluffy locks framing the child's face, eyes bright and cheerful. Jasper could almost see the happy child toddling around, giving gifts of pinecones, dirt and sloppy kisses to Uncle Bellamy. They deserved to be happy too.
Finally, Jasper's mind wandered to Monty. To Monty's smile that lit up a room, and his laugh ringing loud and true. Except, Monty's laugh and smile were not directed at Jasper, but at Miller instead. They both looked so happy it was almost unfair. Even in his sleep Jasper had to remind himself that this was what he had wanted; to leave and to make everything better. Focusing harder on Monty, the scene changed. To flashes of teeth and skin, kissing of shoulders before travelling down, down, down. Monty giving a bright smile at Miller from his position on the ground before moving on with a smirk. Jasper could feel the heated passion and turning over sharply in his sleep, he tried with no avail to move on. The scene continued for a moment before Monty stopped and looked at a shadow in the corner of Jasper's dream.
'You!' dream Monty snarled.
'It's all your fault,' he continued as he advanced closer towards the dark shape.
'It's all your fault. You're useless. So, so stupid. Why would I want to be friends with you? Who would want to be friends with you?'
Dream Monty gave a sharp harsh laugh, nothing like the laugh Jasper was used to. The sound made Jasper feel sick. This was not supposed to happen. Even with everything, Monty was supposed to be that happy soul that made everyone feel better with the musical laugh of his.
Dream Monty stopped advancing as he stood directly in front of the shadow, and with anger flashing in his eyes, Monty proceeded to rip away at the dark shapes, revealing Jasper's own ghostly form sitting there. Dream Monty laughed that laugh again before proceeding to jeer at him.
'Jasper!' he snarled mockingly, 'poor little Jasper thinking everything's about him. I almost died Jasper! I almost died…. It's all your fault! Why didn't you leave sooner?'
With that Jasper awoke with a jolt, the last words echoing in his mind and sweat mixing with the rain as he twisted up from his position in the dirt. The sky was dark, clouded over with murky grey clouds and heavy rain. Looking up at the sky, Jasper allowed the rain to plaster his hair to his face, and for it to run down the back of his soaked shirt. He was so screwed. The storm looked dangerous, like it could wipe him out at any moment. Groaning, he blinked the rain from his eyes and ran his hands tiredly through his hair. He just wanted everything to be okay again. Maybe he should go ba- No! He wasn't going to go back. He deserved this. This was his punishment.
Crawling out from his position, Jasper stood up awkwardly and staggered slowly to where there was a canopy of tree leaves nearby, which would give him the shelter he needed. Collapsing to the ground, Jasper noticed that though still wet, it was much dryer than where he had been sitting before.
He'd only sat there for a few moments before he heard a sound in the background. Spinning around wildly, Jasper squinted at the surrounding woods to try and catch the source of the sound. Barely heard against the strong winds Jasper heard the sound again, and squinting harder he saw a flash of red from within the trees opposite the river.
'Jasper!' the voice yelled again, this time louder and more clearly.
At hearing his name amongst the winds, Jasper stood up again, squinting harder at the trees. The wind was howling so hard by now that every time that voice could be heard, it was garbled and twisted.
'JASPER!' the voice yelled louder this time, and twisting his head round towards his left, Jasper saw Monty standing there on the other side of the river.
In that moment, the storm seemed to disappear and all Jasper could see was Monty standing there. His face had a little stubble on it, like he hadn't bothered to shave, and his clothes were slightly more ripped than normal. As Monty finally caught sight at Jasper, he gave a sudden wide toothy smile looking as if all the weight in the world had been lifted from his shoulders.
'What are you doing out here?' Jasper yelled at Monty, hoping that he could be heard from one side of the river to the other. The last thing he had wanted was for Monty to follow after him, and if Monty died in this storm, Jasper would never forgive himself.
Jasper tried to sign wildly with his hands for Monty to leave him be. To get somewhere safe... But even from Jasper's location, Monty's grim smile and determination to clamber over the rocks leading to the other side of the river could be seen. Leading him to Jasper.
Filled with a new found frenzy (okay maybe not a newfound frenzy, more like a rekindled frenzy), Jasper dropped his jacket and ran back out into the thick of the rain so that he could meet Monty as he stumbled over the river.
'Monty,' Jasper said, the name feeling hot and heavy on his tongue as he said it aloud.
The shorter boy looked up as he made the final hop off of the rocky path and landed in front of Jasper. He shook his head sharply, a look of sudden emotion on his face, which was more immense worry than anger.
'You idiot!' Monty exclaimed grabbing at Jasper's shirt and pulling him in for a hug, encasing Jasper within his arms as Monty held tightly onto his best friend.
'What did you leave camp for Jas? I've been so worried.' Monty gave one more desperate squeeze as he hugged Jasper before letting go abruptly and looking at Jasper in the eyes.
Suddenly feeling guilty for what he'd put Monty through, Jasper looked down at the ground, shuffling back and forth on his feet.
'I did it for you…' Jasper mumbled, suddenly wishing that he was far away from all of this.
Monty scoffed all of a sudden, which forced Jasper to look up and give his best friend a quick look.
'You didn't do it for me Jasper, if you really wanted to do something for me you would have stayed!' Monty declared, glaring at his best friend.
With a rekindled passion, Jasper snapped.
'Of course I did it for you! I saw you with Miller. I saw you laughing Monty. When was the last time you'd laughed like that? Definitely not with me. I've been a terrible friend to you Monty and you deserve so much more!'
'So you left rather than speak to me?!' Monty yelled, suddenly having enough with the situation.
Seeing Jasper's eyes begin to water (which had nothing to do with the rain Monty noticed), Monty lowered his voice and spoke softly. 'If anyone's been a terrible friend it's me… and I don't want more. I want you'.
At that everything seemed to go silent again. The sound of the storm faded away, and all that was left was just Jasper and Monty. They stood opposite each other, both of them suddenly unable to breathe properly at the thought that they could possibly feel the same way.
Breath hitched, Jasper inched closer towards Monty only to stop barely an inch away and quickly look back at the ground as if he was unsure of what he was to do now. Whispering nonsense to try and calm Jasper down a little, like calming down a startled deer, Monty made the final move and rested his head against Jaspers. As Jasper noticed Monty standing on his toes to make the contact, he raised a shaky hand and clasping it onto Monty's shoulder, Jasper slowly pushed him back down so that his feet were firmly on the ground. Giving an awkward look at Monty, who looked just as nervous, Jasper leaned forwards and rested his own head against Monty's.
'Please tell me you feel this too,' he whispered, sounding scared out of his mind.
Monty laughed, 'I feel it Jasper, trust me'.
Monty offered Jasper a reassuring smile, only to have Jasper burst into a small fit of giggles. They stood there, still resting against each other in the middle of the rain, giggling until the small fits of laughter calmed down.
'Can you ever say anything without it being a sexual innuendo?' Jasper asked, breathless from the laughter.
'Let me remind you that you're the one who started it!' Monty stated, giving Jasper an eye roll before slowly moving his hand so that it rested under Jasper's chin.
'Mont', Jasper whispered, refusing to look up. All laughter was gone now, and Monty could feel Jasper beginning to shake again.
'Let me do this,' Monty whispered back before lifting Jasper's chin up a little higher and forcing their eyes to meet.
Looking Jasper directly in the eyes, Monty didn't miss a beat and slowly pressed their lips together. Jasper's mouth was cold, then warm. The wind hurled freezing rain that stung at their faces and numbed their noses. They didn't stop. They clung to one another, kissing each other in a way that was, though inexperienced and sloppy, was the best kiss they'd had.
Finally drawing away from one another, taking deep breaths, Jasper rested his head on Monty's shoulder and sighed.
'I don't think I can be fixed,' Jasper admitted softly, clinging tightly to Monty's jacket.
'I don't think you're broken,' Monty said after a pause, pulling Jasper away from where he was burying his face into Monty's neck and looking him straight in the eye.
'I'm not going to lie,' Monty continued, 'and say that everything will be perfect. We're both a little run down. But we're not broken. We're not some object that breaks down, is fixed and then that's it. We're people, Jas. We can't be pieced together and expect ourselves to be how we were before. But I can promise you… if you come back to the camp with me. That we'll help each other as best as we can… okay?'
Looking Monty in the eye, Jasper leaned in and gave the shorter boy one small nervous kiss before withdrawing away quickly and blushing.
'Okay,' Jasper whispered, still clinging tightly to Monty in the middle of a full blown storm with wind and rain whipping at their hair.
'Good,' Monty replied, giving Jasper a smile, and together they headed back to where Jasper had been sitting under the canopy of leaves to wait for the storm to pass.
They woke up the next morning tangled up in one another with Jasper's jacket tucked around his upper body, Monty's own jacket acting as a pillow, and with Jasper's hand laying over Monty's heart.
Give your all to me,
I'll give my all to you,
You're my end and my beginning,
Even when I lose I'm winning…