A/N 1: Ok, so I don't know where this actually came from, but I was listening to "Holocene" by Bon Iver and yeah. So the bold parts are some of the lyrics from the song and each one is a different part.
Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious, its characters, or anything else. OK.
"...and at once i knew i was not magnificent."
She's always told she is talented; that she will get far in life.
Never once believing it to be false. She knew she was talented, that she will get far in life.
Her life was always so easy, always so full of life, fun, and happiness, but that didn't mean that she was full of life, fun, and happiness.
Really, she was the exact opposite. She has a dull life; boring and depressed.
This act she puts up, it's tiring. All the smiles and laughs, hugs and kisses, friends who adore her. She has such a good life, but it isn't hers.
She was thrown into it. Pushed, but she accepted it. She's always wanted to be in the spotlight, to be a star. Which is weird, because stars are so vibrant, outgoing, fabulous, magnificent.
But she's nothing special, she knows that. She knows that she's not the greatest singer or dancer in the world. She's been told that plenty of times; almost as much as she's been told she's star material.
It hurts, in a way. She hurts. She just wants to live up to the hype she has created, that everyone has created for her. She wants to be vibrant, outgoing, fabulous, magnificent.
She is, but not really.
She goes home after school, after hanging out with friends, and collapses. She collapses on the floor, on the couch, on whatever will hold her.
She wants this, though. She'll push through whatever she has to to get there. She'll plaster that smile on her face everyday for the rest of her life if she needs to.
She loves this life, she loves her school, her friends, the attention she gets, everything and it's something she will constantly want.
"someway, baby, it's part of me, apart from me"
It is. It's all part of her, apart from her.
Friends, love, happiness, stardom.
She smiles when a smile is given to her; shakes a hand that's thrown her way; laughs with a melody. It takes up a lot of her energy.
"I need me to see me." It's what she whispers to herself in the mirror every morning.
"Hello, do you see me?" It's what she whispers behind her friend's backs.
"I just want to be invisible, but not really." She can't help that one.
It's time consuming.
Everything is so time consuming.
She wants someone to see her – notice her – but she doesn't. It's scary to be seen.
But someone sees her, she knows that. They see her – notice her – but she doesn't want them to. It's scary that they can see her.
"I see you, you know." They tell her, and she shivers.
"I know you do," she whispers, "but why?"
They chuckle at her and shrug, walking away from her with a smirk. It's torturous. How they can see her and use it against her.
But they stop, turning around and looking at her. "I can see you, but something is blocking you." They walk towards her, their hips swaying.
"It's part of you. Apart from you." She can't help but close her eyes.
"the hallway, was where we learned to celebrate"
She did it. She made it onstage, worldwide.
Out of thousands and thousands of people (and some of her own people), she was chosen. She's chosen.
"Thank you." She mutters to the one who sees her. She truly means it.
All they do is shrug their shoulders, a small smile pulling at their lips. "You deserve it." A pause, "I suppose."
The next day at school, everyone surrounds her. Congratulating her; patting her shoulder and giving her tight hugs; looking at her with envious eyes. If they only knew.
She accepts it all though. She accepts the congratulations, the pats and hugs, the envious eyes. She especially accepts the hug she receives from them.
"Why do you hide?" They whisper into her ear, their warm breath caressing her chilled skin.
It's a celebration.
"I'm not." She whispers back, but barely.
They laugh, lowly, pulling away from her. All she wants is to be accepted, truly. This fear is all-consuming.
"Accept me." She breathes out; they just raise an eyebrow, knowingly.
"I already do," they mouth, "just you wait and see."
Cheers and screams break her from her thoughts. She's on TV performing her song and everyone around her is going wild.
This is a big deal.
She's a big deal.
"i and tangled spines"
They follow closely behind her, watch her every move.
"Stop it." She says through gritted teeth.
They don't listen, they never do. "Why should I?"
She doesn't know what to say to that. What can she say? "Because you can see me!" No, not that.
"Why don't you want to be seen?"
She's said it out loud. Her eyes are wide, her mouth opening and closing with silent protest.
"I can't afford to." She whispers, biting her tongue instantly.
They stare at each other for a long time; everything around them moving at fast speeds, blurring.
"It's all a mess." She mouths, "I'm all a mess."
She can't say that out loud, it hurts too much.
They know though. They're a mess as well.
Her days are a blur, and she barely makes it to bed every night. This is not how she expected her life to be. She's always thought that if she could fake the happiness long enough that it will become real. It hasn't yet.
They step closer to her, invading her personal space. "Tori." They say her name like it's a precious stone.
"Jade." She says it just as fragile.
She's never seen the other girl so careful with her. Jade's always so tough, so rough, with her.
She pulls Tori into the infamous janitor's closet; away from everyone, secluded from the outside world.
"Be seen."
The scariest words she's ever heard.
The best thing about being a star, she thought, was that she can always hide behind a different persona. That she can create someone else to be, like how Miley Cyrus was Hannah Montana, or how Nicki Minaj has Barbie and Roman.
But she secretly wants to be like Lady Gaga. Someone so open and free, expressive and magnificent, that nothing can ever deter her.
But she knows she can't. Well, at least not yet.
"I'm a tangled mess."
Before she knows it, soft lips are on hers. A soft hand cupping her cheek and two beating hearts filling the room.
She doesn't know what to do, but she feels herself unravel at the mouth moving against hers. At the tongue asking for entrance, she sighs – in contentment or fear, she doesn't know.
But she pulls away before she loses herself, and Jade stares at her in confusion.
"I can't."
"i could see for miles, miles, miles"
She knew she was not magnificent. She knew that she wasn't anything special.
She knew it all, and for once in her life, she didn't care.
Things change, time doesn't stop, and life goes on.
Jade kissed her and opened her. Whether Jade knew it or not, it doesn't matter.
People stare at her more, with curiosity shining in their eyes; maybe she's been seen by them.
The days go by a little faster, her heart beating a little more freely, her smile being a little more real.
Jade tells her to believe in herself; to believe in her future and all that she can become.
Jade kisses her more, and she doesn't pull away much anymore. She's still afraid and Jade gets frustrated (she's always frustrated) but she doesn't push her.
She can see now. She lets herself be seen every once in a while.
She lets the one person who has seen her from the beginning see her even more, and it's thrilling.
She lets the sun touch her and warm her; the night caress her and cool her.
She can see ahead, all around her.
She might not believe she's magnificent, but she is.
A/N 2: Did this story make sense? Because I've battled with it; it didn't seem like it made sense, but then it did? So I don't know, haha.
I hope you liked it. It's kind of a different writing style.
Please review, that'd be nice. :-)