I was sitting in the middle of my house in District Four. Our house, not my house. I share this house with Finnick Odair, the love of my life. However, lately it seems I'm here by myself for the majority of the time. He's always gone to the Capitol.
My thoughts are interrupted when I hear the front door open. I quickly straighten up, still sitting on the floor. No one ever comes to visit me. I hear footsteps coming closer and I find myself able to speak, trembling from fear.
"Finnick?" I hoped it was him. He was the only person I ever saw any more, and I really needed to see him now. The footsteps grew louder and the stranger didn't respond. I stare at the entry way waiting to see who had come into my house. To my relief, it was a smiling Finnick. I quickly rose to my feet and ran to him, wrapping my arms around his neck.
"Oh Finnick, I missed you so much. I always do." I said while smiling, holding on to him tightly.
"I missed you too, Annie." He muttered. I pulled away to study his face. He was troubled about something; he usually came home like this.
"I thought you had left me." I whispered to him, looking into his eyes trying to read his thoughts.
A small smile appears on his lips and he says, "I could never leave you, Annie. Not if I could help it." The last sentence seemed unnecessary. The smile seemed forced.
"But?" I asked him praying the answer was something I wouldn't mind hearing. His smile disappeared and he avoided looking me in the eyes.
He sighed and said, "I have to go back to the Capitol in three days." That wasn't so bad. I know that he doesn't have a choice about when he comes and goes.
I smile at him and say, "That's okay. Three days with you is better than none at all." He doesn't smile like I expected him to.
"Finnick, what is it?" I asked him not really wanting to hear his reply. There was a long pause when neither of us said anything. We just looked at each other. He walked forward and caught me in an embrace.
He whispered into my hair, "Annie, you know that I love you so much. Don't you?"
"Of course I do, Finnick. You tell me every time you get a chance," I answer with a soft smile. I can hear it in his voice that he is not smiling.
"This really isn't something that I want to do."
I hold him tighter, "What is it, Finn?"
He takes a moment before replying, "They want me to return to the Capitol and stay there." I didn't realize what he truly meant by this until later. I look at him confused. I fall to the ground and bring my knees to my chest. I start rocking back and forth, closing my eyes and covering my ears. I had not done this in so long. Everything had been okay. I should've known that something bad was doomed to happen. Finnick sits on the ground next to me and wraps an arm around my waist, trying to calm me.
"Annie…," his voice is pleading for me to be more understanding. I can't bring myself to be though. I murmur to myself, but still loud enough for him to hear.
"Finnick, no. Please, no."
He lays his head on top of mine and says softly, " Annie, there isn't anything I can do." I know this. He knows that I know this. I just can't bring myself to accept it. I don't want to accept it. It isn't fair. They're stealing my Finnick away from me. He's all that I have. It had been so long since I'd had any bad thoughts, but now they were all flooding back into my mind.
My thoughts are interrupted by Finnick speaking, "Annie?"
I shake my head to rid myself of the thoughts, "Finnick, I know. I'm sorry. I just… I can't help it."
Finnick, the boy who had chosen me over all of the girls in the Capitol, whispers to me, "I love you."
Tears begin streaming down my face, "I love you too, Finnick." He uses his hands to gently wipes away my tears.
"Annie, my love. Don't cry."
I struggle to steady my breathing and attempt to stop the tears, "I-I'm sorry." He wipes away the remaining tears and leans his forehead against mine. The touch of his skin is familiar and comforting. I look into his sea green eyes as he looks back into mine.
We stay like this for a moment before he breaks the silence, "I really do love you, Annie."
Still trying to steady my breathing from crying, I manage to say, "I love you too, Finnick." He sighs and looks away from me, pulling away so that neither of us is touching the either.
I look at him worried, "What is it? What's wrong, Finnick?"
He looks at me bewildered, expecting me to know the answer. "Everything. Everything is wrong, Annie!" His voice rises. Of course, I knew he would say this. I had just hoped he would lie and say nothing instead. I lean over and hug him tightly, trying to comfort him.
"Everything will be okay, Finnick."
He pulls away angrily, "No, it won't. How could you even think that?"
"I just… You always say that everything will be okay." I manage to stammer out. The anger in his voice lessens and it's more gentle this time.
He shakes his head and says with a frown, "Not this time, Annie. They want me to stay in the Capitol. Permanently."
It was like the air was stolen from my lungs and I sat there shocked, staring at him confused. "Wh-What?" He avoids my eyes and looks at the floor. I try to gather myself and calm down.
He speaks up, not looking back to me. "So I can be closer whenever I have an "appointment", Annie." I pull a piece of rope from my pocket, a piece of rope that Finnick had given me. I stare down at the rope, tying it and untying it again and again.
He lifts his head and looks at me, "Annie?"
I keep my eyes focused on the rope in my hands and reply, "Yes?"
He sighs and closes his eyes. "You're mad." I look up at him for only a second before dropping my gaze back to the rope.
"No, I'm not." I can feel his eyes studying my face.
"You are, even if it's just a bit." I shake my head, not looking back up at him this time.
"I know it isn't your fault, Finnick." "Annie, look at me." I slowly raise my head and my eyes meet his.
He speaks softly, "Do you remember the dam?" All of the years that I had tried to put away the memories went to waste. The memories flooded my mind. I saw my district partner being beheaded. I remember killing people. I remember the feeling of relief when I found that I was under water. The broken dam from my games had saved me. I knew how to swim because I was from the fishing district. Everyone here knows how to swim.
"Annie, do you remember?" Finnick breaks me away from my thoughts once again.
I take a deep breath and answer his question, "Yes, of course. How could I forget? It saved my life when the dam broke." I stare into his eyes and all that I can see is a feeling of guilt.
"I did that, Annie. It's my fault the dam broke. It cost me everything. My family. My private life. And now you." I search his eyes to see if he is lying.
"Why Finnick? I'm not worth it. I'm not worth any of that."
I can hear anger in his voice again when he spoke, "Annie, don't ever say that. You're more than worth it. I don't regret what I did."
I drop my gaze and look back at the rope again before fiddling with it again. I whisper, "I'm sorry."
He takes his hand and tilts my chin up until our eyes meet. "You're safe and sound now, that's all that matters." I struggle to stop myself from crying, my eyes barely holding back the tears.
"I'm not though. I'm not safe or sound when you aren't here."
"Annie, I care more about you than I do about myself."
"But I care about you. I want you to be safe. You shouldn't have given that all up for me."
He sighs again, "It doesn't matter now."
"Yes it does," I reply almost angry with him.
"Annie, it's better if we break up," He said as clear as day. When I heard it though, it sounded muffled. My body refused to hear it. I looked at him in disbelief, any anger I had felt towards him a minute ago had dispersed and now I was just hurt.
"What?" I asked coldly.
"We need to stop seeing each other, Ann." He repeated himself calmly. This isn't how Finnick should act. He loves me. He shouldn't ever want to let me go. He should be doing everything that he can to stop this from happening. What's going on?
"But Finnick…," my voice pleads.
"We aren't going to see each other again," he replies coolly.
I'm shocked and left speechless for a few minutes as I stare into the kind, sea green eyes that I thought I had gotten to know so well.
"But Finnick, I love you," is all I can bring myself to say.
He replies to me in his gentle, soothing voice, "I know, Annie. I love you too." I can feel the anger in me rising. This was a rare thing. I didn't get angry. I didn't usually feel anything, I only let myself have feelings and emotions when Finnick was there to keep me under control.
I try to stay calm as I can, "Do you really want this?"
"No."
"But you're going to do it anyways, aren't you?" I shout as I stand up to walk away. I find myself on the other side of the room in a corner. I'm rocking back and forth again, my eyes are closed and my hands are covering my ears. I'm trying to drown out the presence of Finnick.
He screams at me from where I was sitting before, "It's not like I've got much of a choice, Ann." I ignore him and continue rocking, allowing tears to fall down my face. I didn't care about hiding how I felt. I was hurt and I couldn't hold that in any more.
Finnick shouts again, "Fine, stay there!" This is so unlike him, to be shouting at me. It's unlike him for him to be angry at me. I think today was the first day I've ever heard him shout at anyone, besides when he shouts at the people in town for calling me "Crazy Cresta." I spread my fingers and peer between them, seeing him stand up. He heads for the front door to leave. I didn't blame him. He disappears from my view and I lay on the floor sobbing.
I mumble to myself, "They take everything from me. Everything I love."
I lay there crying when I see Finnick standing at the door way. I don't look at him, he doesn't know that I've seen him. He's speaking in his soft, gently voice again. He isn't angry like before, "Annie?" I look up at him and then hide my face. I don't want him to see me like this. He deserves better.
Finnick stays where he is, "Annie, look at me. Look at me!" He's shouting again and I look up at him, terrified.
My voice shakes as I speak, "Y-yes?" It was strange how quickly Finnick could change between his soft, gentle voice and his strong, angry one. I stare up at him, my face still wet from tears.
"Do you think that this is easy for me, Annie?" His eyes are tearing up as well. I can see the waves of emotion in those sea green eyes of his.
I shake my head and reply, "No. I'm sorry, but how do you want me to react, Finnick?"
He looks at me for a moment, as if he was thinking of an answer for my question and then simply replies, "I don't know." I'm staring up at him waiting for a better answer and he sits down beside me. By instinct, I lean my head to rest it on his shoulder. He slips his arm around me, pulling my body closer to his.
"Annie. I love you so much," the sound in his voice is pleading. I can hear it; he really doesn't want to do this. He wants to stay here, but he can't.
It takes me a moment to respond to him, "I love you too, Finn. I love you more than anything in the world."
He kisses the top of my head and whispers into my hair, "You're my life, Annie." I keep my head down, finding my hands wrapped around the hand that isn't resting on my hips.
I kiss his hand and reply, "And you're mine." I can feel his discomfort and I look up to see his face.
"Annie, You know that I'm…. that I'm….," he can't seem to finish his sentence.
"You're what?"
"I'm yours, Annie."
"I… I know."
"That won't last long though." I close my eyes and try not to think about how dark things were before I met Finnick. He was the light of my life.
"Because you're leaving?" I ask him sadly. He nods his head, not providing a verbal response.
I sigh, "Finnick, I'll always be only yours." He looks at me, his face serious.
"Annie, you have to move on with your life." I drop my gaze down to lap and I tug at the hem of my shirt.
I take a deep breath before speaking, "I don't know if I can. You are my life. You're what I've grown to know. Being with you is all that I know."
"Annie. Please," His voice is begging me.
I shake my head, "Finnick, I don't think you understand."
"What don't I understand, Annie?" I pause for a moment to gather my thoughts before responding,
"You're the only reason that I'm still alive. I will never be able to thank you enough for that. I love you with all of my heart, there isn't any room for me to move on. Without you, I am nothing."
I keep my head down, playing with the rope again. He gently takes my chin and lifts it up until I'm looking at him.
"Annie, are you saying what I think you're saying? I look at him and don't say a single word.
"You are not going to kill yourself, Annie Cresta." I take my face from his hands and look at the ground again. His voice isn't angry, it sounds more hurt.
"No Annie! If you do that, I'll never forgive you."
My voice is just barely a whisper, "There won't be anything left for me once you leave."
"I don't care, Annie. You can't do that to yourself," He doesn't mean that. He wanted to say that I couldn't do that to him, but he doesn't want to sound selfish. We both are though. I want him to stay and he wants me to stay alive.
I look at him, allowing some of my anger to come out, "So instead, you would rather I sit here and be miserable?"
He looks back at me, "Of course not, love. I want you to be happy. That's all I ever wanted." He slowly stands up and holds a hand down to me, offering help. I take his hand and he lifts me from the ground with ease. He wraps both of his arms around me tightly and we stay like this for a long time. We pull away and he surprises me with a kiss. He kisses me on the lips and wraps his arms around my waist. This time, I pull away.
"Don't do this to me Finnick. You're leaving. Don't make it any harder by doing this to me." He takes my hand and leads me to the bedroom that we share on the rare occasion that he is home. He gestures for me to sit on the bed. He leans towards me and kisses me on the forehead.
"We're going to figure this out, Annie. I promise."