Arthur: Uh… Skip, this parrot you got me...
Martin: Oh y-yes, the, uh, th-the Norwegian Blue...What's… uh... What's wrong with it?
Douglas: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. He's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Martin: No, n-no, h-he's uh... h-he's r-resting!
Douglas: Look, Martin, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Martin: No! Ho! H-he's not d-dead! He's…h-he's resting! Remarkable b-bird, the Norwegian Blue, isn't it? Beautiful plumage!
Douglas: The plumage doesn't matter! It's stone dead!
Martin: Nononono! No! No! H-h-he's r-resting!
Douglas: All right then, if he's resting, I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) Hello! Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you wake up!
(Martin hits the cage)
Martin: (Desperate) There, he moved!
Arthur: No, he didn't, Skip! That was you hitting the cage!
Martin: I-I didn't!
Douglas: Yes, you did!
Martin: I-I-I never… n-never did a-anything!
Douglas: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) HELLO POLLY! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Arthur: Now that's what I call a dead parrot…
Martin: N-no! No! No! He's… st-stunned!
Douglas: STUNNED?!
Martin: Yeah! You-You stunned him! J-just as he was waking up! Norwegian Blues stun easily!
Douglas: Um… now, look, Martin. I've definitely had enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when you gave it to Arthur, not half an hour ago, you assured him that its total lack of movement was due to it being tired following a prolonged squawk; which I can't understand how anyone outside of the world of Monty Python would believe…
Martin: (Nervous laugh) W-well, he's... he's, ah...p-probably pining f-for the fjords.
Douglas: PINING for the FJORDS?! What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment Arthur got him in the Portacabin?
Martin: The Norwegian Blue prefer being on their back! Remarkable bird, isn't it? Lovely plumage!
Douglas: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
Carolyn: Well, of course it was nailed there! If he hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent them apart with its beak, and VOOM! No more bird for Arthur. Martin's a hero!
Douglas: "VOOM"?! Carolyn, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! He's bloody demised!
Martin: N-no! No! He's p-pining!
Douglas: He's not pining! He's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed him to the perch he'd be pushing up the daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket, he's shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bloody choir invisible! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!
(pause)
Martin: Carolyn made me.
Douglas: Is that true, Carolyn?
Carolyn: (Muttering) Well, I'd better replace it, then.