I'd be lying if I said it was the answer I had been expecting. It took me two years to admit to her I loved her. Sure, she says she loves me too but that she loves Wheels and isn't going to leave him. For weeks, I played over how I would tell her that this isn't just for fun; that she's worth giving up everything just so we can be together. Lying in bed the night after our feelings session with Ms. Holliday, I ran the words through my head a million times.
~!~!~!~
It's been a month since I told her that I loved her. At first, I tried to go back to my bitchy self for self-preservation. Brittany saw right through it. I always knew she was too damn good at reading people. She tried to get me to talk after glee, but all I could picture was her sitting on Artie's lap as Berry belted out her love song today when she should be sitting in the back, her head on my shoulder and her pinkie linked in mine.
I couldn't let her back in. So I sent her on her way despite seeing the tears pooling in those crystal blue eyes that remind me of the water in the Caribbean. I always promised I would take her there some day. Guess it's too late for that.
~!~!~!~
Quinn and I have our differences. Yet it was her arms that circled me and pulled me off of the choir room floor after I sent Brittany away. I let myself sob into her shoulder in her bedroom that night. I don't know how long we stayed like that, but I woke up in the middle of the night, my eyes sore from crying. Quinn's arm was looped around my waist holding me close. It was the safest I had felt in weeks and I snuggled into her and willed myself to forget about Brittany and go back to sleep.
~!~!~!~
Rachel Berry stole Quinn's heart. I'm not even sure if Quinn knows how smitten she is, but I see her scowl every time Finn drapes his gorilla arm around the tiny brunette and how she lights up when Rachel's eyes fall on her as she performs. She's still kind of mean to Rachel's face, but I know that she put a slushie ban on Berry.
~!~!~!~
By prom, Brittany and Artie are on the fritz. He tries to win her back, but he's an idiot for the way he treated her. I'm there for her and when she kisses me the night before prom, I kiss her back. But that night after she leaves, I cry myself to sleep.
Quinn is dancing with Finn, but her eyes are glued to Rachel. She seems bored, but I know it's just a cover up for the anger she has towards Jesse right now. I should know, I did the same thing for months with Britt and Artie.
When Finn gets kicked out of prom, Quinn takes her frustration out on Berry. Somehow they come out of it on their way to an actual friendship, but when I ask Quinn if she did it to keep herself from kissing Berry she tells me to go fuck myself before rolling away from me.
~!~!~!~
We're lying on Brittany's bed two weeks into summer vacation. She's on top of me and is kissing my neck, sucking on my pulse point and I'm groaning at the sensation when she decides we need to talk.
"You've changed," she says casually, her lips still against my neck.
I want to tell her that I haven't changed, it's just that I'm protecting my heart this time because I can't handle getting hurt again. Instead I pull an old Santana and roll her off of me, put my t-shirt back on, and leave without another word.
~!~!~!~
I hear from Puck that Brittany and Artie have gotten back together. It stings more than it should since it's my fault that it happened like this. Brittany called me three times a day for a week before she finally gave up. I spent all my time hiding out at Quinn's in case she tried to stop by. I know it's childish, but I can't face her after I walked out.
~!~!~!~
The last week of summer, Quinn shows up to meet me at the park with pink hair and a cigarette dangling from her lips. I slap it away and she gets pissy. We sit in silence for what feels like forever before she tells me that she hates herself for giving up Beth. I tell her I hate myself for leaving Brittany. When she kisses me roughly, I know that she's just trying to feel something good again. I kiss her back because I am too.
~!~!~!~
I pretend to be appalled when I see Quinn show up at school with her new look and her new friends. Most of the glee kids are in full gossip mode over it and Brittany begs me with puppy dog eyes to talk try to get Quinn to rejoin Cheerios with us. It's Berry that intrigues me though. She looks at Quinn with adoration despite Quinn's fall from most popular to major outcast. I can't help but hope that maybe Quinn will notice how much Rachel cares about her.
~!~!~!~
When Quinn shows up in my bedroom holding a pharmacy bag, I can't help but grin. I haven't seen too much of her over the past month, but when she pulls out the bottle of blonde hair dye and the bottle of vodka, I give her a tight hug before cranking up my iPod speakers and dragging her into my private bathroom to get rid of the pink hair. I ask her if she's sure before we start and she bites her lip adorably. I tell her that I think it's sexy and she kisses me. It is rough, just like the first time in the park. We don't talk about it, but she thrusts the hair dye into my hand and tells me that she has to clean up if she's going to get to see her daughter. I smile and rub it into her scalp.
~!~!~!~
Quinn rejoins glee. She's back in sundresses and her blonde hair is pushed back in a matching headband. I know that we have Rachel to thank for her return. I wouldn't tell Berry that, but I nudge Quinn's thigh with my knee and tell her that I'm glad she's back. It's been lonely in the back of the room now that Brittany sits with Artie and just gives me sad glances once in a while.
~!~!~!~
The sobbing next to me has been going on for over two hours. My t-shirt is soaked with Quinn's tears, but they haven't even slowed down since she collapsed in my arms when I opened the front door. Apparently Finn proposed to Rachel. I'm not sure how Quinn knows but that the news hasn't hit the gossip mill in glee club or through Jew Fro yet.
When Quinn finally stops crying, she chokes out that Rachel hasn't answered yet. I don't quite understand why she's so upset. Rachel sought out Quinn for advice. I tell Quinn that Rachel wanted her to give her a real reason why she shouldn't marry Finn. Quinn starts crying again so I kiss her to make it stop. She doesn't push me away when my hand grasps the bare skin of her hip, pulling her closer to me. She falls asleep tangled up in my arms and I can't help but admire how beautiful she is, even with the mascara running down her cheeks.
~!~!~!~
Rachel is the first person to know that Quinn got into Yale. She seems to be glowing with pride when Quinn announces to the rest of the glee club, but I see Quinn's smile falter a little bit when Finn's arm snakes around Rachel's shoulders and he presses a sloppy kiss to her temple. She recovers quickly and performs flawlessly. When she's done, she slides into the chair next to me and her fingers intertwine with mine. I let my thumb rub circles over the back of her hand and for the first time in a year, it doesn't ache so terribly to look at Brittany intertwined with Artie in the front row.
~!~!~!~
My heart stops when my dad calls me to say that Quinn has been in a car accident and is being rushed into surgery. We sit in the waiting room in uncomfortable chairs in our wedding outfits. Rachel hasn't stopped pacing and murmuring over and over that it's all her fault.
Finally I can't take it anymore. I grab Rachel's arm and drag her down the hallway. I know the hospital well since my dad is one of the top surgeons in the region. I pull her into the doctor's lounge to nab some good coffee because I can't stomach the cafeteria crap. I hand her a cup too and I notice how badly her hands are shaking. For once, Rachel Berry is seemingly speechless, so I force her onto a couch and turn on the TV. Her eyes are glazed over, completely ignoring the episode of Friends I had found. I let my hand find hers and she doesn't pull away when I laced our fingers.
~!~!~!~
The only person that has visited Quinn as much as I have is Rachel. I have to force her to go home to sleep most nights, promising that I'll watch over her until she can return in the morning. After four days, our parents insist that we return to school after my dad assures both of us that only the best nurses and doctors will be assigned to Quinn 24/7.
It's the most time I've spent with Berry, but her endless chatter to the comatose Quinn is the only thing that has made me smile in days. I hope that Quinn can hear her too because maybe she'll see how much Rachel wants Quinn to tell her that she loves her.
I can't blame Quinn though, I know how much it sucks to put yourself on the line and be let down.
~!~!~!~
When Quinn wakes up after six long days, I take my first deep breath since the phone call with my dad. Rachel is extra bubbly and when I arrive at the hospital after Cheerios, she is leaning on Quinn's bed, reading to her. The blonde's eyes are closed, but a smile is ghosted on her lips.
I complain about Rachel stealing all of my Quinn time, but she seems to know I'm just kidding. Quinn seems happy that we're getting along and I wouldn't do anything to take that glow from the blonde.
Quinn's first question to me when Rachel finally goes home is what happened with the wedding. She noticed that Rachel wasn't wearing a wedding band, but that the engagement ring was still very much there. I tell her the story. She bites her lip and I can't help but smile at having my Quinn back. When I tell her that she should tell Rachel that she's in love with her, she looks away, but doesn't tell me to go fuck myself this time.
~!~!~!~
My best friend is in a wheelchair. I can't stop repeating it in my head. At first, Quinn was really angry at everything and everyone when she couldn't move her legs. Her mom and I got really good at ducking at the objects she would fling at our heads when we tried to help her. Now she's going back to school and her whole demeanor has changed. She's getting around pretty well on her own, the pain has decreased significantly, and at her last visit with my dad she told him that she's starting to regain some feeling in her legs.
It bothers me more than it should that she's spending so much time with Artie. I know she just needs to be around somebody that completely understands her situation, but when I watch Brittany push her to class with Artie rolling happily beside them, I feel really jealous that I'm not the one pushing her.
~!~!~!~
Brittany and Coach Sylvester find a way to get me into college with a cheerleading scholarship, but neither seems to realize that it's the last thing I want. There are only two reasons that I stayed a Cheerio: popularity and Brittany. I can see how proud Brittany is of herself for getting me the position, so I refrain from yelling about how ridiculous it is. As soon as I leave Coach Sylvester's office, I know that there's no chance I'll be spending my next four years in Kentucky.
Quinn and I sit in the Lima Bean that night. She is getting better every day and she's starting to stand up at physical therapy. I promise not to tell anybody about her progress because she wants to surprise them all. I agree because I'm just glad to have my Quinn back.
She is the first person to actually ask me if I want to go to Louisville in the fall. I can't lie to those hazel eyes, so I shake my head softly. Her hand finds mine on the surface of the table and she holds onto it. Quinn tells me that I can do whatever I want to do because I'm the most badass person she's ever met. It makes me smile.
~!~!~!~
Rachel screws up her NYADA audition. Finn flounders around after her like a lost puppy for about two days while Rachel is a complete disaster. Anybody that looks at her after that would know that her newfound composure is completely fake. Finn seems to buy it though and this sends Quinn into a rage after school. She breaks one of her mom's ugly end-table knick-knacks when she throws it across the living room. She whispers that Finn doesn't deserve Rachel against my shoulder as I hold her while she cries. It's the closest she has come to admitting she is in love with Rachel.
~!~!~!~
When Brittany insists that we all go to prom as a big group, I reluctantly agree. I have no interest in finding a beard like I did last year and neither does Quinn. We're both running against one another for prom queen, but I know my heart isn't in it. Quinn's doesn't seem to be either.
I know I'm right when we realize Quinn has won by a single vote and she tells me that she doesn't feel any different. When she asks me if I want to do something good before we leave this shithole, I agree because right now I just want to see Quinn happy. It turns out that Quinn's happiness comes in the form of throwing away her crown and giving it to Rachel instead.
I have to admit, seeing Rachel beaming for the first time in weeks did feel good. Quinn has tears in her eyes as she grasps the microphone stand to hoist herself up. My arm is around her waist and we're singing together. I know the tears represent a million things in that moment, but when she leans her head on my shoulder as the song ends, I feel a sudden warmth creep up my neck. I've never felt something like that from anybody besides Brittany.
~!~!~!~
We win Nationals. It never seemed like a big deal when we won National titles for Cheerios, but this win seems massive. I rarely admitted it, but glee has been the best thing about high school.
Quinn dances at Nationals and I can't stop smiling because I know how important this was for all of us. Rachel got a second chance at NYADA and Quinn moves gracefully despite the large red scars that I know snake up her spinal cord. We always were fighters.
As the confetti is falling in the hallway, Brittany hugs me tightly and tells me that she loves me. It still hurts, but I don't feel like someone has punched me in the gut this time. I give her a weak smile and tell her I love her too. I know that I mean it just as friends this time.
~!~!~!~
I look good in red. It's always been my color and I know that I'm the hottest one in the room right now. Sure, graduation gowns aren't the most flattering item, but I make it work.
My mami has tears in her eyes as I cross the stage and get my diploma. She is letting me follow my dreams to New York instead of to Louisville. My dad is working at the hospital, but last night at dinner he told me that he's proud of me. It's the first time he has said anything to me since I announced that I wasn't going to college right away.
Quinn's mom is standing there proudly. She gives her valedictorian speech and I find myself with tears welling up in my eyes. Most people seem a little bit lost at the whimsical nature of it, but to me it perfectly describes Quinn. She channels Lucy, the little girl she let go of inside in order to be popular. I think Lucy would be proud of Quinn today.
~!~!~!~
Drama rocks the glee club the day after graduation when Finn decides to leave Rachel. We're all at the train station and Rachel's face is tear streaked and blotchy as she hugs us all goodbye. Quinn waits for her turn and I see her fingers twirl Rachel's hair as she hugs her. Rachel whispers in her ear and kisses her cheek before collapsing back into Finn's enormous arms.
Quinn sulks for three days after Rachel leaves. She's not gone for good – she should be back tomorrow and will leave at the end of July for her summer program. Puck has planned a big party to kick off the summer. It should be fun.
Finn leaves for boot camp in the morning before Rachel returns. He says it's for the best so that they can have a clean break, but I can see how much he is hurting. We all say our goodbyes and I have to admit that he looks grown up and handsome in his fatigues.
We're two hours late to Puck's party because Quinn couldn't decide what to wear. We don't talk about it, but I know she's nervous to see a newly single Rachel.
Rachel tries to be upbeat for the sake of the party, but it's obvious how much she's hurting. She spends most of the night clinging to Kurt. Quinn nurses her drink and watches them from across the yard. I make her dance with me so she'll stop looking so pathetic and I pull her close. She doesn't object when I push my thigh between hers until we're practically grinding. I'm a little shocked at how turned on it makes me.
Quinn, Rachel, Kurt and I go to New York to help Rachel move in at the end of July. Her dorm is tiny and her roommate is as annoyingly ambitious as she is. We go apartment hunting for Kurt and I near her campus and I find comfort in knowing that I'll still have them in this gigantic city.
~!~!~!~
Quinn and Rachel talk all of the time once we return to Lima. She still has four weeks until she's due at Yale. I make her come apartment shopping with Kurt and I so that I can have some help overruling his insanity about throw pillows. Along the way, I toss things in her own cart for her dorm room, but she's too busy texting Rachel to notice. It kind of hurts that she's ignoring me.
~!~!~!~
I take the road trip with Judy and Quinn to move her into Yale. Judy is much more enjoyable now that Russell is gone and she's put down the bottle. She hums as she and Quinn sing along to the playlist they made. Judy flies back to Lima the day afterwards. Quinn's roommate hasn't moved in yet, so we set up her dorm room. Mostly I do it as she video chats with Rachel.
We squeeze into her twin sized dorm bed together and she wraps her arms around me. I feel at home. I fall asleep thinking about how much I'm going to miss her rather than wondering what Brittany is doing in Lima. In the morning, I feel a little bit guilty about it.
~!~!~!~
Quinn hugs me fiercely when she drives me to the train station the next day. We promise to stay in touch and I inhale the scent of her floral shampoo. It takes all of my self-control to not kiss her. I'm not sure where that urge came from, but it's all I think about as I ride the train to Grand Central Station.
Kurt and I spend the next week pulling our apartment together. We bicker a lot, but for some reason it seems like the perfect situation. My bedroom is tiny, but it has character. Right above my desk is the collage that Quinn made me. It's most of the Unholy Trinity throughout the four years of high school. Right in the middle is a picture of just her and me from prom. It should feel like we're missing Britt, but for some reason it makes me realize that it's always been Quinn and I from the very beginning.
~!~!~!~
Brittany calls me in early November. She heard from Kurt that I'm interning at a small music label and that I'm working on my own demo. As long as I don't use company time, they let me sneak in an hour here and there in the studio.
She tells me that she's proud of me and that she misses me. I don't tell her that I miss her too, even though I keep finding myself wandering through the city and thinking about how magical Brittany would think it is. I let her tell me about Lima even though Kurt has told me everything from his conversations with Blaine. Before we hang up, she asks if I'm going to be home for Thanksgiving. I tell her I don't know because I really don't want to go back to Lima, but I don't want to upset her. I guess I've always tried to avoid letting her down.
~!~!~!~
Kurt returns to Lima for Thanksgiving to see Blaine, but I convince Quinn to come to New York. Rachel's dads come to visit and the five of us go to the Macy's Parade. Rachel makes us get there before the sun rises so that we can get a good spot and it's freezing outside, but her dads pack us all thermoses of scalding coffee and Quinn is pressed against my side the whole time. I don't even get annoyed when Rachel sings along with every Broadway number that passes through the square. The balloons are even more massive than they seem on TV and my neck hurts from looking up at them by the time the parade ends.
We have a simple Thanksgiving dinner at my apartment with a store bought turkey. Rachel's dads let the three of us cook and we spend the afternoon laughing and singing. It's probably the most fun Thanksgiving I've ever had.
Rachel's dads return to their hotel that night, but Rachel sleeps over. She tells us excitedly about the boy she has just started dating from her music theory class. He sounds a lot like Jesse St. James and I hate him just on principle.
That night, Rachel sleeps in Kurt's room and Quinn sleeps with me in my full sized bed. She's silent, but I know she's crying. For some reason, Piano Man in the first song that pops into my head and I hum it softly and stroke her hair. When she curls into me, I wrap my arms around her and hold her tight. She tells me that it's stupid that she ever thought Rachel would see her that way. The selfish part of me wants to tell her that Rachel isn't worth her time, but instead I tell her that she'll never know unless she tries.
~!~!~!~
During our first week in Lima over winter break, Quinn tells Rachel that she has feelings for her. Rachel tells her that she's flattered but that she only sees her as a friend and that she thinks she's in love with Luke, the boy from her music theory class. Quinn tells her that she understands and she wants to stay friends, but I spend the next three weeks putting a shattered Quinn back together.
It's great to see our friends from high school again. When Brittany throws her arms around my neck at Puck's New Year's Eve party, I untangle them gently and smile at her before moving to refill my drink. She looks hurt and it kills me, but I tell myself that I can't give in to it again. I find out that her and Artie broke up and he keeps looking at her from across the room as the clock ticks down towards midnight. Brittany is looking at me purposefully, but I know she would never kiss me in front of a room full of people. After all this time, I still can't admit to my closest friends that I'm gay.
Puck gives me a sloppy peck on the lips when the ball drops and then he turns and does the same the Quinn. We both wrinkle our noses in disgust and wipe our mouths with the back of our hands, but we're not mad. That night we lay in Quinn's bed, her holding me for once and she asks me if I am still in love with Brittany. I tell her that I'll always love her but that I know it's never going to work out and I'm okay with that. She tells me that she feels the same about Rachel and that she's going to work on being okay.
~!~!~!~
Quinn comes to New York for Valentine's Day. We watch a marathon of Gilmore Girls and order pepperoni pizza. When Rachel stops by to see Kurt with her new boyfriend and a brand new Tiffany necklace on, Quinn smiles and tells her it's beautiful and she's happy for her.
That night when Quinn's lying on top of me on the couch and she kisses me, I feel sparks. It's not full blown fireworks, but it's the best thing I've felt in months. It's soft and passionate, unlike the angry, rough kisses we've shared in the past.
When I suggest we move to my bed because I'm dying to tear off her shirt, her eyes get dark and she follows me without a word. She's so different from Brittany, but it's refreshing. When I pull her t-shirt over her head, her hands immediately move to cover the light stretch marks on her stomach, but I pry them away and kiss her stomach all over. Her bra fits snugly and I run my palm over the fabric, feeling her nipples get hard beneath it. She's moaning softly at my ministrations and pulls off my own t-shirt. Bras are shed shortly after and I press myself against her, basking in the feel of her silky skin against mine as I attack her mouth again. This is all new to her and I can feel her trembling beneath me. Despite my need for release, I slow down our kisses and roll off of her, suggesting that we go to bed. She doesn't object and we fall asleep tangled up in one another's arms topless.
The next morning I wake up to her lips brushing mine. I release a small moan before I can stop myself and my eyes flutter open. She's propped up on one elbow and is smiling at me. When she asks me why I stopped last night I tell her that I don't know. She doesn't push me on it, but she seems relieved that I kiss her back when she leans in.
~!~!~!~
Things get really busy at work and I spend all my free time working on my demo, which means a lot of late nights. I've been learning how to play guitar from my hours in the studio. Quinn and I try to talk most days, but it gets tough as her semester picks up. I don't get up to New Haven until April.
We hook up again that weekend, but I stop it before we go all the way. Quinn groans in frustration and grinds against my thigh, but I roll away and try to swallow my own desires. She still cuddles me when we go to sleep and I wake up to her lips against mine just like I did in New York. I think I would have been disappointed if I hadn't.
We go to a diner for breakfast before I have to catch my train back to the city and Quinn insists on paying. I look at her confused because she's so adamant, but I give in. She holds me longer than usual and I find that I'm starting to crave her arms around me. I make her promise to come to the city when she finishes finals in a month and she kisses me cheek when my train pulls into the station. I know I blush, but I swipe my thumb along her jaw to resist the urge to kiss her goodbye.
~!~!~!~
Kurt and I go out to dinner with Rachel and Luke right before her finals start. They've been dating for just over six months now and they are still sickeningly adorable. Kurt drops the bomb that Finn is coming to visit next week and Rachel seems tense for the rest of the meal.
When Rachel comes over to see Finn, Luke isn't with her. It's the first time I've seen her without him attached to her side since Valentine's Day. She's wringing her hands and avoiding Finn's eyes awkwardly. I text Quinn to tell her how bad it is and she responds immediately saying that Rachel should've known that she would have to face him again eventually. It's been almost a year since they've been around one another. When she actually stumbles over her words, I'm shocked at how badly he's affecting her.
Finn asks what's wrong with Rachel after she leaves that evening. Kurt, being the gossip queen that he is, launches into her new relationship with Luke her new leading man. I'm grateful when he leaves out Quinn's love confession that I know he's aware of. However, Finn seems pissed that nobody thought to warn him about Luke before he showed up in New York and he stomps around the apartment for the rest of the night. Kurt and I drink a bottle of wine together and try to avoid him.
The next day, Rachel brings Luke along when we all go to hang out in Sheep's Meadow. Finn is very obviously not pleased with the situation and spends most of his time sulking and eying them angrily underneath his sunglasses. I just lie back on the blanket and work on my early summer tan.
When Finn leaves the next day, Rachel shows up at our apartment crying that she and Luke had a big fight. It doesn't take long to discover that it was about Finn. Apparently she had never told her new boyfriend about her ex-fiancé. Needless to say, Rachel sleeps on our couch that night after sobbing into Kurt's shoulder all evening.
Quinn doesn't seem that sympathetic when I call her and share the news. My heart jumps a little at the fact that she doesn't seem excited about a possible Rachel-Luke breakup.
~!~!~!~
Quinn takes all of her stuff home from Yale for the summer before she comes to visit in New York. She comes with an even bigger surprise though: she landed an internship at a publishing company for the summer and she's going to be in Manhattan. Apparently she had known since the end of April and wanted to surprise me. I'm so excited and I help her move into the bedroom of the apartment that she's sharing with two other interns. It's even smaller and shabbier than my apartment, but we're both just so happy to spend the summer together that it doesn't matter in the slightest.
On her first night here, we order enough Chinese food to feed six people and spread it out over the coffee table as we watch trashy reality television. She's in sweatpants and she's wearing her glasses and I think she looks absolutely adorable. When she gets some duck sauce on her chin, I lick it off and she giggles.
Kurt and Rachel come home to find the Chinese still spread out over the table and Quinn and I topless and making out on the couch. They stutter an excuse and make a quick escape back out of the apartment. I am pinned under Quinn, who has frozen to the spot, but bursts in a fit of laughter as soon as they're gone again. I look at her with fear in my eyes, but she just responds by kissing me deeply. Quinn was the only one that ever actually caught Britt and I and I know that this is the kind of gossip that will spread through the glee kids like wildfire. I forget about it the second Quinn's tongue starts pressing against the pulse point on my neck.
We have sex for the first time that night. We had skirted around it for months, but now that Rachel and Kurt know and Quinn isn't shying away, it seems like it is time. We moved into my bed shortly after they left and continue kissing and exploring what is now familiar ground. When we're completely naked and panting from kissing so heavily, Quinn tells me that she hasn't done this since Puck. I pull away for a minute in shock and she looks so vulnerable lying beneath me. I tell her I'll be gentle and I kiss her sweetly as I slowly push the first finger into her. She gasps at the feeling and paws at my bare shoulder, holding me where I am. When her walls adjust to the intrusion, she loosens her grip and I move slowly, taking in the feel of her. Her blonde hair is sticking to her forehead from the sweat gathered there and I brush it back with my free hand before I kiss her again. I slide out and rub the wet digit along her clit and she gives a delicious shudder and kisses me harder. I'm still moving slow, taking in her every reaction to my fingers. When she tells me she needs more, I can't resist any longer and I push two fingers into her and fall into a rhythm. My other hand snakes down to rub circles on her clit and within a few short minutes her hips are bucking off of the mattress. She whispers my name when she falls over the edge and I smile at the sound of it on her tongue.
When she recovers, I see fear creep into her face and she tells me that she has no idea how to reciprocate. I kiss her again and tell her that I trust her. She nods slightly and her hand is trembling as it glides down my abs and cups me. Her eyes go wide at how wet I already am. To be honest, watching her come and hearing her say my name as she did so nearly made me come as well.
She moves tentatively at first, exploring with shaky fingers. I don't think she realizes how fantastic it feels to have her touching me there after all of these months of denying myself this. She stumbles upon my clit and I moan quietly and cant my hips into her hand at the sensation and it seems to boost her confidence. Letting her fingers explore more, she rubs a few lazy circles around the swollen bud before sliding further down and stopping at my entrance. Her eyes meet mine, asking for permission and I answer by pulling her back down to kiss me. I groan against her lips as she pushes into me slowly. My body adjusts quickly to her and her eyes widen at the feeling as she pulls out and re-enters. Quinn seems to be running on autopilot now, her finger finding a rhythm. I ask for more and she inserts another and I'm stretched around them. When she curls her fingers slightly as she pulls out and hits my g-spot I let out a moan of pleasure and she looks down at me. Her choppy blonde hair falls in a curtain around her face as she hovers above me and our eyes are locked. She tries to continue to move her fingers in the same way and succeeds in drawing out a long succession of moans from me. When she presses her thumb onto my clit and rubs as she thrusts, I know there's no way I'm going to last. It's been so long since I've been touched and it's Quinn above me and everything just feels so right.
I'm louder than she was when I come and she peppers my face with kisses as I say her name over and over. My orgasm subsides and I feel her slide her fingers out of me and wipe her hand awkwardly on the sheets beside her. I feel empty without her filling me up and I try to fill the void by pulling her against me to cuddle. We fit perfectly and I fall asleep, but not before I hear her murmur a quiet 'I love you' into my chest.
~!~!~!~
Quinn works an insane amount of hours at her internship. I try to stop by and drop her off dinner most nights because otherwise I know she'll just forget to eat. Her desk is in a room with five others and it's piled with manuscripts to read. My favorite part about it is that she wears her glasses more often because her eyes get so tired from reading all day.
I got her a key made for my apartment and most nights she crawls into bed after I've gone to sleep. We practically live together and Kurt doesn't even seem to notice that he has basically gained another roommate.
I'm off early on a Monday and I get home in a great mood. Kurt is sitting at the table pouring over bits of fabric. He's enrolled in FIT starting in the fall and he's taking a summer class about textiles right now. I sit in one of the other chairs and watch as he rearranges them a million times and have to admit that the final combination is pretty impressive. He documents them and puts them away before he turns his attention to me.
He catches me off guard when he asks me what the deal with Quinn is. To be honest, I haven't let myself consider that there actually is a deal so I just shrug at him. He sighs loudly and tells me that I better figure it out because when Mercedes, Blaine, and Brittany arrive in two days they are probably going to be curious about the animalistic noises that come from behind my bedroom door when Quinn is over.
I have the decency to blush at his comment, but then panic sets in. He and Rachel promised not to tell our friends until we were ready and we haven't spoken about it in nearly a month. I completely forgot that they were visiting and I know that Quinn and I probably need to have the talk we've been avoiding.
~!~!~!~
I convince Quinn to shrug out of work early the next night and text her address of a restaurant downtown. I'm sitting at a table with a glass of wine (thanks to my fake ID) when she arrives and I stand up to kiss her cheek and hold out her chair for her. She blushes and thanks me politely before picking up her menu.
We talk about our days like we do every night, but it feels distinctly different now that we're doing it in a dimly lit restaurant with cloth table linens instead of in our sweatpants eating out of each other's take out container.
There's a lull in the conversation and I tell her that she looks beautiful. She's wearing what she wore to work: a simple light green sundress and white flats. Her blonde hair is starting to get long and it's twisted into a bun at the nape of her neck. She blushes and looks away from me when she thanks me. I find that I can't take my eyes off of her adorable red cheeks.
I convince her to go back to her place because Kurt is frantically preparing for our guests and I don't want him eavesdropping on this conversation. Quinn's roommates are practically never there, so I'm not surprised when the apartment is empty when we enter. We head straight into her bedroom and I watch as she changes out of her dress and into a pair of running shorts and a tank top. I shimmy out of my own dress, a simple black number and she tosses me a Cheerios t-shirt and a pair of red shorts.
She looks at me trying to gauge where this evening is going. I had planned a whole speech in my head while I worked today but it all flew out the window as I looked into her eyes. Instead I asked her what we are doing. She pauses, walking slowly from her dresser to sit next to me on the bed. My palms feel sweaty all of a sudden and I swallow to try to clear my throat of the lump that has formed.
I'm caught off guard when she leans over and kisses me. I kiss her back, but pull away before it can go anywhere so I don't lose my nerve to have this conversation. She asked me if there was really a reason to label it and ruin what we have and I stand my ground despite wanting to just agree with her.
Quinn goes back to walking aimlessly around her tiny bedroom and I sit stiffly on her bed, wondering where this desire to have a label is coming from. It was exactly what I had avoided for so long with Brittany.
After what seems like an hour, although it was probably only a few minutes in actuality, she stops moving and turns to face me. I don't hear her the first time so I ask her to repeat what she said. Her face is a deep red by the time it squeaks out again. Quinn is asking me to be her girlfriend.
I didn't know that it was what I had been hoping to hear, but I stand up and envelope her in my arms and feel the relief flow through both of us at having finally dealt with a title. I drag her back onto the bed and we make love. It doesn't just feel like sex anymore.
~!~!~!~
When we walk into my apartment mid-morning the next day, it's a zoo. There are duffel bags piled in the corner of our living room and Rachel is in the kitchen making pancakes and Mercedes and Kurt are hysterically laughing on the couch. Blaine is just shaking his head at them, a smile wide on his face. Only Brittany seems to notice that she and Quinn have entered the apartment, but her eyes are glued to our interlocked fingers rather than our faces. Quinn shifts nervously beside me and I squeeze her fingers. It's also my way to keep myself from dropping her hand before anybody else can see anything. We agreed we'd tell them all at once, but my heart is pounding in my chest as I wait for the rest of them to notice that we've arrived.
Kurt is the first one to see us and his grin nearly reaches his ears. I clutch onto Quinn and move into the living room. Rachel drops the tower of pancakes on the table and moves to join us. She slips onto the couch between Kurt and Mercedes and everybody looks at us curiously.
I hope Quinn will say something first, but when she stays frozen, I finally choke out that we're dating. Blaine and Mercedes squeal with Kurt. Rachel beams at us and joins in. Only Brittany is silent, her eyes have moved up from our clasped hands to my eyes. I can't read the emotions in them like I used to be able to, but I know that she's stunned. I give her a half smile, but Quinn pulls my attention away by whispering in my ear that she wishes we could escape into my bedroom. My neck gets warm at the thought, but I instantly feel guilty when I notice that Brittany is still watching us.
Rachel decides to sleepover despite having to take up a sleeping bag on the floor of the living room. Quinn and I walk the two blocks to our typical liquor store and pick up a couple bottles of wine and a bottle of vodka. It feels so natural to walk with our hands linked and I'm glad that we're in New York where people don't give us a second glance.
Quinn gets really drunk with Blaine and Mercedes. Rachel has started karaoke off of her iPod and Kurt continually challenges her like they're fighting for solos. I sip my glass of wine and take in the scene from my seat on the floor. Brittany keeps toying with her cell phone and I don't think she's even touched her own glass of wine.
Everybody passes out pretty early. I get Quinn into bed and toss Rachel in there with her when she nearly falls down walking to the bathroom. When they're settled, I walk back into the living room to find that Kurt and Blaine have disappeared into his room and Mercedes is passed out on the couch. Brittany is staring at the TV, an episode of Law and Order playing softly. I sit down on the floor and lean back to rest against the couch by Mercedes' feet.
It's awkward at first because I don't know why I'm supposed to say to her. She looks older somehow, even though I saw her six months ago. I ask her about Lima and she tells me that she got a job teaching dance in Akron and she's going to take some community college courses. I tell her that I'm happy for her. She asks me if I'm happy and I can't help the guilt that floods through me when my face naturally breaks into a smile. She doesn't wait for me to answer and immediately tells me that she's glad I found someone that loves me the way I deserve to be loved. I smile appreciatively at her. The Unholy Trinity has been realigned and I know she's trying to make it work and it means a lot to me but it kills me to see even a hint of sadness in those blue eyes.
~!~!~!~
Quinn's internship ends a week before she's due to move back to Yale. She packs up her room in her apartment and comes to stay with Kurt and I. I still have to work, so she spends time exploring the city during the day. The notebook I bought her at the beginning of the summer is nearly filled with her writing and she seems too carefree from having time to write instead of reading everybody else's all day.
After dinner about halfway through the week, I drag her back to work with me. She whines the whole way there, but I don't give in and hold onto her hand tight. The office is empty and we walk past the little office I share with two other people. She looks confused as we pass and I just keep moving and ignoring her probing questions.
I unlock the door of the studio at the end of the corridor and she follows me. With a flip of a couple of switches, the lights flicker on and the soundboard turns on. She's looking at me with curious eyes and I sit down in the office chair, pulling her down into my lap. Her giggle melts my heart and I wrap one arm around her waist and lean forward with the other to push a couple of buttons.
The instrumental starts and I drum my fingers on the edge of the board in rhythm. My voice starts to fill the room and I hear Quinn gasp. I look through the glass into the empty sound booth to avoid her eyes as I listen to my own song.
It ends and I finally force myself to look up into those perfect hazel eyes. She tells me she's in love with me and our lips meet before I have a chance to respond. It takes all of my morality to keep myself from taking her on the soundboard. She pulls away, chest heaving as she tries to catch her breath.
She asks if I've finished other songs and I nod shyly before reaching over to pick up a CD from the pile of demos. I tell her that I wanted her to have the first copy and she giggles with delight.
I show her how the studio works and she listens to my every word and follows me around. I send her back to the soundboard and I pick up a guitar and settle onto the stool that is in the middle of the booth. I tune it quickly and strum a few times before settling in and start playing. I know she's on the other side of the glass but I get lost in the words and chords of my newest song.
She claps when I finish and I smile because I can't hear it, but she looks unbelievably cute. I drop the guitar back into its stand and head back out of the booth. Before I lose my nerve, I tell her that I wrote it for her. Tears fill her eyes and I drag her back to the apartment. The sun is coming up when we finally fall back against the pillows in exhaustion.
~!~!~!~
We go to Lima for Christmas and I walk into my kitchen to see my parents sitting there having their morning coffee together. I sit down and tell them I'm gay. My mami cries a little bit and my dad's face stays as stern as ever. When I beg them to say something, anything my mami looks me right in the face and tells me she just wants me to be happy. I burst into tears of relief and she hugs me. My dad pats my hand reassuringly. When my mami asks me if there is somebody special in my life and I blush furiously and she laughs. She tells me to invite Quinn over for dinner and I agree because I know there's really no alternative.
Judy doesn't take it as well as my mom, but she's trying to deal with it. My mom decides that she should join us for this family dinner and Quinn and I end up sitting next to each other awkwardly flanked on either end by our parents. They've known one another since we were in middle school and they are completely relaxed after a couple of glasses of wine. I'm cursing that my fake ID doesn't work on my parents because I could really use a glass myself.
~!~!~!~
At the end of her sophomore year, Quinn announces to me that because of all of her AP credits and hard work, she's going to be graduating a year early. I know I'm beaming with pride. She got a more exciting internship this summer that brings her back to New York.
Her first night in town we are lying on an old blanket on the roof of my building, my head resting on her stomach and her fingers playing with my hair. She asks me if music is what I want to do with my life. I tell her I don't know. I've been working in the business for two years now and I see how hard it is to break into it. Quinn tells me that she believes in me and that she sent my demo out to a bunch of small labels.
I want to be mad at her, but I know she's just trying to make me chase my dreams. I know I've grown complacent. Getting wrapped up in Quinn was so much easier than getting beat down by the industry. Quinn believes in me though and I don't want to let her down.
~!~!~!~
Halfway through the summer, I got promoted at work. They are actually letting me help look for new talent instead of just making phone calls and fetching coffee. I text Quinn, Rachel, and Kurt to tell them to meet me for dinner at our favorite little Italian place around the corner from our apartment. I'm the last one to arrive and I can hardly contain my excitement when I sit down. Quinn kisses me hello and I say hi to the others before fiddling with my menu. It seems to take the waiter forever to take our order and disappear.
Rachel asks me what's wrong with me and I tell them the news. They squeal with excitement and Quinn kisses me again. Everything feels perfect in this moment. I never imagined this to be my life after high school, but I wouldn't change it for the world.
~!~!~!~
In November, my boss comes into the room where I'm listening to demos trying to find us the next act. He tells me that he just received a demo that shows huge promise. I take the envelope from him and he winks in a kind of creepy way before leaving.
Usually I skip reading the cover letters because they are always the same bullshit, but when this one falls into my lap I notice a very familiar signature at the bottom of it. With a deep breath, I begin from the top.
Dear Mr. Ferguson,
This isn't going to be your regular cover letter because this artist isn't a regular person. You see her every day. She knows exactly how you like your coffee and I bet it's always on your desk when you get there in the morning. She absorbs everything that goes on in your office because she wants to understand it all for the day that she gets her break.
Santana Lopez is talented; there is no question about that. However, it's her ambition and her passion that set her apart. Have you noticed that she spends hours in the studio off of the clock? The notebooks that cover the left side of her desk are full of lyrics she has written since she started working at your label. You have a young artist with immense potential right under your own roof.
All I am asking is that you listen to her demo like you would any other artist. Santana has earned that small bit of respect. She wouldn't give you her demo herself because she thought it to be unprofessional and she doesn't want special favors. So I am her spokeswoman, her agent if you will. Just listen to it because you never know, I may be right.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
L. Quinn Fabray
Mr. Ferguson is standing outside of the room when I emerge an hour later. It felt silly, but I sat and listened to my entire demo. I took notes like I would on any other entry and I attached them to the CD. He was in a chair right outside of the room when I finally open the door. He asks me what I thought and I told him that he's welcome to read my notes on it. I hand him the package and he glances over them swiftly. He tells me that he agrees, she is young and untrained but that she's a good fit for the label. She is a gamble, but sometimes those are the best ones. He tells me that I have studio time schedule at 10 A.M. on Monday and that if I sign the contract in his hand I'll even get paid for it.
~!~!~!~
I only make it home to Lima for four days over Christmas. My parents complain that I work too much and my dad asks me if I've thought about applying for college. Without a word, I pop the CD into the player and turn on the surround sound in the living room. They fall silent when they hear my voice streaming from the speakers with Rachel Berry on backup vocals.
They look at me in confusion when the track ends and silence fills the room again. I tell them that it's my first official single under my recording contract and I hand them the signed CD case. My mami starts crying and hugs me and my dad kisses my head. When my mother pulls herself together, I tell them that it launched on iTunes two days ago and has sold just over a thousand copies and that it has 30,000 views on YouTube. Mami cries some more and presses play on the CD player again.
~!~!~!~
From what Quinn tells me, I'm a hometown celebrity. I had to return to New York right after Christmas, but apparently people have been playing my single all over Lima. I can't help but obsessively check how many views my song has and although I'm alone while all of my friends are in Ohio, life still feels fantastic.
Quinn surprises me and shows up at my apartment with a bag of Chinese food on New Year's Eve and I wrap my arms around her. She's wearing a gray cashmere sweater and it makes the necklace I got her stand out against her porcelain skin. We drink beer and eat Chinese food and watch the ball drop on the living room TV even though Times Square is only twenty blocks away. She kisses me at midnight and doesn't stop for hours.
~!~!~!~
Yale is beautiful in the spring. It's hot and sticky and I'm sitting on a hard wooden chair as some old guy rambles on about the importance of education. Judy and my parents sit next to me, fanning themselves with their programs as we wait for the speeches to end. We clap loudly when the man finally announces "Lucy Quinn Fabray" and she waves at us as she descends from the stage.
Quinn got into an English Ph.D. program at Columbia to nobody's surprise. After weeks of deliberation, I ask her if she wants to move in with me. We talk to Kurt together and it works out perfectly because Rachel is going to live off campus with him for her final year at NYADA. I offer them our apartment and Quinn and I move uptown.
~!~!~!~
Rachel lands a lead in an Off-Broadway production of Rent and we all share our excitement over knowing that this day would come. All of our dreams are slowly coming true.
My first full-length CD gets released near the end of the summer. I've never been prouder of anything in my entire life. Quinn reads the dedication and gasps at the sight of her own name printed there under my inspiration. She hands me a pen and I sign it for her. I had spent hours practicing my signature for this moment.
My dearest Quinn,
You are my biggest fan and my hugest inspiration. I hope there are many albums after this one, but they won't mean anything if you're not next to me. You've been my best friend for so long, but you've grown to be so much more than that. Will you do me the honor of being my wife?
Love always,
Santana Lopez
When I hand it back to her, I stick my hand in my pocket and toy with the diamond ring that I have been carrying around for two weeks. She looks at me when she finishes reading and I kneel in front of her and pull it from my pocket. She whispers my name and I lock my eyes onto her hazel ones. The quiet yes that follows it takes me a moment to process, but when it does I leap to my feet and kiss her, my arms thrown around her neck. We pull apart only long enough for me to slip the diamond onto her ring finger.
This is the life I never imagined, but sometimes reality is better than our dreams.