Disclaimer – I most definitely have no claim to any of the characters mentioned herein, I wouldn't have to live with my parents if I did…

Summary – He didn't go there to find love, he went there to escape life.

Author's note - Carter Kem fic, if you are not a fan of this pairing, I suggest you either do not read this, or you read it with an open mind. I just saw the second to last episode of the eleventh season, and this is what I think may have been some of the things Carter thought as he sat in the taxi… If you have anything to say, whether it be positive or negative, remember that purple button beckons.

Forever Changed

I didn't go there to find love. In all honesty I went there to escape it, to escape life. Love was the last thing I wanted to find, the last thing I thought I'd need, how wrong could I have been…

At first I thought she was a cocky British girl that didn't know her place. I'm pretty sure she thought I was a yank that was on a suicide mission; well her assessment was definitely closer to the truth than mine. In all honesty I didn't really care about myself, I wanted to be the hero, to save all those dying from AIDS and starvation, naive I know.

Well I quickly realized just what a terrible and violent world I had entered. The stark contrasts between that which I was used to and the patients I had to treat was something I found difficult to handle. How could I have lived without a care for these people and millions like them, for so many years? Yes I knew the statistics, I watched the news, but I never knew the people, had never seen their faces, now, those faces will forever haunt me, their smiles and hope-filled eyes, etched in my mind.

Kem had helped me survive. She helped me understand my boundaries, the lengths to which I could go and when to know that there was nothing left to do. But even then, I still didn't want to fall for her. I'd gone to the Africa to escape, I did not need any more complications in my life.

It had taken a while for me to realize that I was starting to fall for her. That thought had scared me so. Everybody I've ever fallen in love with has either broken my heart, died, or I've broken their hearts, that's not a track record I wanted to expand on!

I finally realized that I couldn't fight the feelings anymore and I fell, hard. Our time in Africa had been like nothing I've ever experienced before. For the first time in so many years I had been truly happy. I couldn't wait to bring this woman I held so dearly back to Chicago, to start a life with her there. Maybe even a family.

Well the family part came a lot sooner than expected, and with that the pain as well. I was ecstatic when she told me she was expecting. I was going to be a dad. There were few things that could ruin the joy I had felt. Finally my life had a meaning. I had a woman I loved completely, a son on the way, I was truly, blissfully happy.

That happiness was short-lived. When Joshua died, a part of Kem and me died with him. For a while it felt like it had been all of me. I had died with my son. Kem moving didn't even impact me as hard as it should have, I mean the woman I loved had moved away, but I just felt nothing.

I threw myself into my work, trying to forget about Joshua. In the beginning it seemed to work, but pretty soon I couldn't live with myself anymore. I had lost my son, the love of my life was in another country, I didn't want to live like that, but I continued with the farce. I guess people who really knew me, knew that I wasn't over it, but they never said anything. I never loved Wendall, it's difficult for me to admit this but I had just used her. Used her to forget about all the pain, she was my drug of choice at that moment…

Surprise, surprise that relationship didn't work out. Even through all this, there had been one thing I looked forward to everyday, and no one day had I been disappointed. That phone call, the phone call from the one person I truly loved. We weren't together anymore, but that didn't keep us from speaking to each other everyday, keeping each other up to date. Kem's voice literally carried me through that time.

I can't believe that it took me a year to realize this, but Kem has been my lifeline. The one person to have kept me optimistic. The cheer in her voice was all I needed to forget about the pain in my heart. Maybe it was because she felt that same pain, or just my love for her, but whatever it was, I didn't want to loose that, ever.

When I got tenure it didn't even truly matter. I didn't have the woman I love with me to celebrate it. The phone call eased the pain a bit, but even then, the tenure had pretty much been the last thing on my mind. Joshua, Kem and Africa has pretty much plagued my mind for the past year.

Susan had been the first one to actually speak up on what everyone, including myself knew. I didn't want to be at County anymore, that wasn't my place. Not after everything I've seen and lived through. My place was in Africa with Kem.

So here I am, on my way to pour my heart to the woman I love, with only one hope, that she'll accept her place in this heart of mine and in the life I hope to share with her.