The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has been bribed. After what I have been hearing in the news lately. I just had to write this. Takes place shortly after The Brownie Brouhaha.
A Good Education And A Decent Orgy
"So how was your first PTA meeting?" Ray asked as Lana and Mallory entered the bullpen.
"It went well," Lana said. "Considering half the teachers and parents were suspended for drug use. Or violence against the people that were doing drugs."
"Did you make a good impression though?" Mallory asked. "I need to know if I have to do damage control. That's the only reason I'm not by Sterling's bedside now."
"The only reason?" Pam asked. She and Cheryl were reading magazines on the couch.
"Well…" Mallory paused.
"Here's the new shipment of Glengoolie Blue…" Cyril wheeled in some large boxes. "That new shipping service pays for itself."
"Of course," Lana sighed.
"Hey, it's cheaper than going to a bar! Okay?" Mallory snapped. "Where's Krieger?"
"It's his turn to go on the beer and vodka run," Cyril explained. "Pam, Ray give me a hand here?"
Both Ray and Pam started to clap. "Very funny!" Cyril ordered. "Just unpack the bottles."
"Come on Cybilly Bob Thornton," Pam said to Ray. The two of them started to unpack the bottles.
Mallory took the first bottle out of the box and unscrewed the cap. "You want a glass or some ice first?" Lana asked as Mallory drank straight from the bottle.
"That might not be the worst idea," Mallory admitted. She went to the bar to mix up her drink. "So how did the PTA meeting go Lana? Did you make a good impression?"
"I talked to a lot of nice women," Lana said. "And I emphasized how we should have qualified teacher's aides that weren't like Laurie."
"That doesn't sound so bad," Mallory paused. "How much did you lecture?"
"I didn't…Barely at all!" Lana snapped. "Everybody wanted to hear me rant about Laurie."
"Good move," Mallory said. "Trashing the idiots around you to make yourself look good."
"That explains a lot," Cyril remarked.
"This from the Idiot in Chief," Pam quipped as she and Ray took out the bottles.
"All right," Mallory sighed. "Now that that little crisis is over…We need to find more work for the agency."
"I would have said something at the PTA meeting but…" Lana paused.
"You needed to ingratiate yourself in a bit more," Mallory waved. "I remember those days Lana. I know how it works."
"They did listen to my suggestion of never having a bake sale again," Lana remarked. "I have my foot in the door."
"More like your big ass feet in your mouth," Cheryl scoffed as she ate some groovy bears.
"I think I'll look at the news feed," Cyril said as he went to a nearby laptop and sat down. "Maybe something's going on we can use?"
"Why not?" Mallory sighed as she sat down with her drink. "No one here knows how to use a brain cell."
"Why think when we can have the machines think for us?" Cheryl asked cheerfully.
"It might be an improvement in some cases," Lana quipped.
"Here's some breaking news," Cyril read. "The FBI has confirmed several cases of wealthy parents and celebrities paying off colleges so their children could get in."
"This is news?" Pam snorted.
"How do you think Sterling got into college?" Mallory asked.
"Or my brother?" Cheryl laughed. "Seriously, his grades were worse than mine! But my father pulled so many strings for him to get into one of the Ivy League schools…I forget which one. I know there was a lot of ivy on the walls. Doesn't matter. Even then he almost flunked out because the genius couldn't figure out which building was his classroom."
"Really?" Lana asked.
"Fortunately, my father pulled even more strings and convinced the college that my brother was special needs," Cheryl explained. "Technically that college had a very broad definition of special needs."
"As in rich kids are special and they need leeway?" Lana said sarcastically.
"Exactly," Cheryl completely missed the sarcasm. "The Dean agreed to give my brother some leeway if he was willing to be tutored. After getting enough money for a new football stadium. And a new teacher's lounge. And a new car. Of course, my father and my idiot brother agreed. And that's when Tiffy entered the picture."
"Tiffy was your brother's tutor?" Ray was stunned.
"They certainly didn't meet at the Spring Cotillion," Cheryl snapped. "Within a month my brother's grades improved all right. But then he started dating Tiffy and his attitude completely changed! Because of her liberal brainwashing he turned from a wishy-washy rich kid who's only idea of change was what suit to wear…Into a tree loving, hippie dippy idiot convinced the world needed saving! And that he should spend his inheritance on the poor!"
"There's an argument to be made against higher education," Mallory admitted.
"What about you?" Lana asked Cheryl. "Did you go to college?"
"I went somewhere," Cheryl blinked. "I know there was a period after high school and before the mental hospital I was somewhere and got kicked out. But it's kind of a blur. I know I was drinking a lot."
"That doesn't exactly narrow it down," Pam said.
"I know," Cheryl nodded. "I think it was finishing school. I can't understand why I don't remember." She then popped some groovy bears into her mouth.
Ray said dryly. "It's a mystery to me."
"There's more," Cyril read from the computer. "Some of the alleged crimes included cheating on entrance exams. Also bribing college officials to say certain students were coming to compete on athletic teams when students weren't even athletes."
"Well duh!" Mallory said. "Georgetown University didn't even have a lacrosse team at that time. At least I think they didn't."
"According to this they've indicted at least fifty people on charges of bribery," Cyril read. "Including some well-known actors. With the possibility of even more in the future."
"Only fifty?" Mallory scoffed. "That number should be in the thousands! Let's be honest, parents have been bribing colleges since the University of Bologna, Italy opened its doors in 1088. I'm pretty sure the Borgias donated a lot of money to send their hordes of illegitimate children to school. Probably funded by collection plate money."
"I don't see why not," Cheryl shrugged. "The Borgias used it for everything else in their lives."
"The price of a good education and a decent orgy," Pam nodded.
Mallory paused. "That pretty much sums up Sterling's college years. Well technically year and a half before he was expelled. Then again he managed to stay in the college almost six months more before I found out."
"Honestly I feel no sympathy for these people," Cyril said. "For every kid that a parent bribed or scammed their way in, dozens of honest, hardworking students like me were shut out of good schools!"
"Wasn't your dad the Superintendent?" Ray pointed out.
"Not during most of my school years!" Cyril snapped. "Or college! And I had to work twice as hard to prove that there wasn't any nepotism. Not that the old bastard would give me anything more than criticism anyway!"
"Speaking as someone who had no special privileges whatsoever growing up…" Ray looked at him. "And had to literally work for every god damn penny in every scholarship I got…And was denied into several schools…I'm glad this happened!"
"Me too!" Pam said. "I never got any special privileges or bribed anyone for better grades or to go to a better school. Okay I sometimes traded cigarettes and a few items for some extra helpings from the lunch ladies. But that was as far as it went. I didn't bribe anyone for my education! And nobody bribed anyone for me!"
"That I believe," Mallory said. "Who the hell would bribe anyone for you?"
"I worked hard for every good grade I got!" Ray snapped.
"Me too!" Pam added.
"I put myself through college!" Ray snapped.
"Me too!" Pam said. "Mostly underground fighting and racing but that counts!"
"Sure, I was an athlete in college," Ray said. "But I had good grades! And I kept them up! Nobody made any bribes for me to stay on!"
"You were a cheerleader in college," Mallory pointed out. "Again…Who would?"
"I was also in track and the ski team!" Ray snapped.
"Weightlifting," Pam said. "For a short time. I didn't drop out because of steroid use if that's what you're thinking. I was just making more money with the underground fights and racing. And they even let me take off from racing on exam weeks. Say what you want about the Yakuza. But they are great believers in education. Very supportive."
"I'm just saying for those of us on the other side of the bribe scale," Ray grinned. "This is good. I feel good about this."
"Me too!" Pam nodded. "Justice!"
"That's a little harsh don't you think?" Lana asked. "I mean sure, there are those who abuse the system. Granted. But in some cases, paying for a better education for your child is what a parent does."
"This from a mother who bribed her daughter off the blacklist," Cheryl folded her arms.
"At least I don't go around buying football stadiums!" Lana shot back.
"Lana, I hate to say it," Ray sighed. "But you are in the same category as these two!" He pointed to Cheryl then Mallory.
"Judge Judy has a point," Mallory shrugged.
"I am not the same as you two!" Lana protested.
"Technically you're right," Cheryl said. "You're more like Ms. Archer than me. I never bribed anyone. My father did."
"I am not like…" Lana did a double take. "No! No! I'm just a middle-class black mother trying to do what's best for her child!"
"I'd go with that strategy," Pam said. "Get major sympathy points from the judge."
"I wish I had that angle," Mallory admitted.
"There's more about this online," Cyril pointed. "They have found more evidence indicating blatant fraud in some cases going back over forty years. Including cases where other people took SAT or ACT tests for students in their place!"
"Damn it," Mallory snapped her fingers. "I should have done that for Sterling."
Cyril read on. "Authorities are stunned at the numerous cases of blatant bribery and abuse of the college placement system. Including one particular student that was bribed into at least six different private schools, and then bribed into a college. Despite his abysmal test grades and extreme disciplinary problems, he was given preferential treatment. And a permanent spot on his lacrosse team."
"Uh oh," Mallory's eyes widened.
"You don't know they're talking about Archer," Pam said. "Lots of kids bounced from private school to private school before going to college."
"I did," Cheryl said.
"See?" Pam pointed.
"But how many of them played lacrosse?" Ray pointed out.
"Lots of people play lacrosse!" Pam defended. "It's a very popular sport!"
"They said this particular student ended up at Georgetown University," Cyril read on. "Even though he only had an SAT score of…123?"
"Uh oh," Pam's eyes widened.
Cyril looked at Mallory. "You should have gotten someone else to take the test for Archer!"
"How do you only get one hundred and twenty-three points on the SAT?" Ray asked. "Don't you get at least two hundred points for filling your name in right?"
"How drunk was he?" Cheryl blinked.
"A monkey could have gotten a better test score than that!" Mallory fumed.
"I had an SAT test score of 1150," Pam said.
"See?" Mallory groaned.
"Even I got more than that," Cheryl said. "I think my score was like 1590. Is that good?"
"Better than mine," Cyril was stunned.
"Mine too," Lana's jaw dropped.
"Beats mine," Pam admitted.
"God damn," Ray swore.
"We still don't know for sure that's Sterling," Mallory rationalized. "Sterling took that test a lot of times. I think…But we don't know that's him for sure."
Cyril read on. "This unnamed student not only ended up expelled for not going to any of his classes, but by having affairs with two female professors, several teacher's aides…And an unauthorized keg party in the school library."
"That's Sterling," Mallory groaned.
"Oh yeah," Ray nodded.
"That's Archer all right," Pam snorted.
"I may need a lawyer," Mallory groaned.
"Cyril's a lawyer," Pam pointed.
"A better lawyer!" Mallory snapped.
"There's more," Cyril read. "The FBI's investigation is widening to the undergraduate private school sector. There are many more allegations of bribery in private schools. Among the highest number is LA's own County Day…"
"Uh oh," Lana's eyes widened.
"That may not be you," Ray said to her.
Cyril read on. "There are numerous individuals reported on making huge sums payments to County Day's endowment fund in order to place their children into County Day. Despite some of them being blacklisted."
"That's you," Ray said.
"I may need a lawyer," Lana groaned.
"Well I could…" Cyril offered.
"A better lawyer!" Lana snapped.
"Man, that school is having a bad year," Pam remarked.
The phone rang. "Don't bother to get it," Mallory snapped at Cheryl. "I know how tired you are from doing nothing all day long!"
"Nah, I'm not that tired today," Cheryl went to answer the phone. "Figgis Agency. What the hell do you want? Who? Is that a magazine subscription? Oh B.I! Sorry. Didn't catch it. Yeah Lana Kane is here. And so's Ms. Archer."
"Figures. The one time she does want to answer the phone," Lana groaned.
"Is this about the bribes?" Cheryl asked. "I mean to be fair, Lana only made one bribe for that stupid baby she has. Ms. Archer did like a ton of them. Including most of the money for AJ's bribe. So technically Lana only did like half a bribe. Or is it a quarter...?"
Lana ran over and shoved Cheryl to the floor taking the phone out of her hands. "This is Lana Kane," Lana said in her nicest voice. "Ignore her. She's on drugs. We're in the middle of an intervention. Because if she doesn't stop, she will die."
"Very soon," Mallory glared at Cheryl who was giggling.
"Yes Sir, I see…" Lana gulped. "Questioning? When…? Tomorrow? Oh, not tomorrow. Your questioning room is booked for the next two days. Really? That many people in Hollywood? I see…Yes. 11 AM on Thursday is fine. Yes. Both of us will be there. We are planning to bring a lawyer. Thank you, sir…"
"Good news?" Cheryl asked as she stood up.
Lana hung up the phone. "Well they're not arresting us right now. They want us to come in for questioning. But not right away. Apparently, there's a lot more people in Hollywood than they thought."
"I would have thought it would have been most of them," Pam remarked.
"Some people are better at covering their tracks than others," Ray shrugged.
"Something tells me the next PTA meeting is going to be an interesting one," Lana groaned. "If I'm allowed to go."
"I guess you two are going up the river huh?" Cheryl giggled.
"Right after your funeral!" Mallory roared. "GET HER LANA!"
"HA! HA! HA!" Cheryl laughed as Lana and Mallory chased her from the room. "OW!"
"Whose turn is it to make sure Cheryl doesn't get killed?" Cyril groaned.
"Yours," Pam looked at him.
"Damn it," Cyril groaned. "I was hoping you wouldn't remember…" He went to try and stop the carnage.
"You know he's not going to be able to stop that right?" Ray asked.
"Why do you think I'm bringing out my camera?" Pam asked as she picked up her phone.
"OWWWW!" Cyril screamed in pain.
"Damn it!" Pam ran over. "Did I miss Cyril getting maimed?"
Ray sighed. "I miss having a normal life. Oh wait, I never had that."
Two days later…
"This is taking forever," Pam looked at the clock. She was in the bullpen with Ray and Cheryl. "What time was their interview again?"
"Eleven AM," Ray said. "It's now 1:30 PM."
"Boooooorriiiiing," Cheryl blew some gum as she lay on a couch.
"Where's Krieger?" Pam asked.
Ray explained. "He's off to get some cake and alcohol for either Lana and Ms. Archer's We Got Off Party. Or We're Going Up The River Party."
"My Uncle Sal had a We're Going Up The River Party," Pam sighed. "It was one of the best parties our family ever had. In fact, it was so much fun we ended up having two of them."
"One for each time he went to the slammer?" Ray asked.
"Yeah," Pam nodded. "And again when he got out of rehab. That didn't take!"
"We're back," Lana sighed as she walked in with Mallory and Cyril.
"How did it go?" Pam asked.
"Like my last colonoscopy," Mallory groaned as she went to the bar to get a drink. "Only not as invasive!"
"Hey! I did what I could okay?" Cyril snapped. "You should be grateful you're not in jail now!"
"Why did you have Cyril for a lawyer?" Ray asked.
"Because they couldn't get a better lawyer," Cyril looked at Lana and Mallory.
"You just won't be cool about that, will you?" Mallory looked at Cyril.
"First the good news," Lana sighed as she sat down. "AJ is in the clear. And so am I!"
"Me and the lawyers for County Day convinced the prosecutors that AJ is part of County Day's mandatory affirmative action quota," Cyril explained. "And there was technically no evidence of bribery."
"This is why I usually pay in cash," Mallory spoke up before she took a drink.
"One of the few times you do," Cheryl added.
"The only reason AJ's name came up was because of the whole blacklisting incident on file," Cyril explained.
"Cyril got County Day's lawyers to say that the whole blacklisting incident was a major miscommunication," Lana said. "Based on the prejudice of a former member of the board that is no longer with the school."
"Stratton?" Ray asked. "You blamed the blacklisting on Stratton?"
"They bought it," Mallory said as she sat down. "That's our story and we're sticking with it."
"They managed to get that one count of bribery dropped because of me," Cyril said proudly. "Unfortunately, I couldn't provide any help against the other thirty-five against County Day. And the fact that County Day was under their affirmative action quota. By at least fifty students."
"I have noticed AJ was practically the only black girl there," Mallory said. "Thank God I have a granddaughter that's black and not Irish!"
"It's amazing how your mind works sometimes," Ray remarked.
"Only thirty-five other people were caught bribing?" Pam asked. "That's a pretty low number."
"Looks like I'm not the only one who paid cash," Mallory shrugged.
"So, you played the race card?" Cheryl asked.
"Call me Johnny Moss. The point is that AJ is still going to County Day," Lana said. "And I don't have to worry because I'm not being charged. And AJ may be making some new little friends soon."
"The bad news was my case…" Mallory groaned as she took another drink. "Seriously, who gets a 123 on their SATs?"
"That was the smoking gun wasn't it?" Ray asked.
"If Sterling wasn't already in a coma there would have been another one," Mallory grumbled. "Fortunately, I was able to make a deal with the FBI."
"You slept with someone didn't you?" Ray sighed.
"No!" Mallory huffed.
"Not for lack of trying on her part," Cyril told him.
"And you wonder why I wanted a better lawyer?" Mallory glared at Cyril.
"Burn," Ray snickered.
"Seriously how did you do it?" Pam asked.
"Well," Cyril said. "I used Archer's test scores as proof that he was a mentally challenged student with special needs."
"They bought that?" Ray asked.
"Wasn't that hard," Cyril said. "I mean a 123 on an SAT…"
"You didn't have to sell it that much," Mallory groaned.
"But that couldn't have been enough to have the FBI stop investigating you," Ray said.
Mallory shrugged. "That's because I gave them some vital information that not only convinced them that my tiny indiscretion wasn't worth following up on. There were others that may be much more involved in this scandal than I was."
"You ratted and rolled, didn't you?" Pam asked.
"Like Bill Haley in a jail cell," Mallory said. "What the hell? I'm not going back to New York anytime soon anyway. And I've already been kicked out of the Women's League."
"That's it?" Ray asked. "They just let you go due to a sob story and you giving out some names?"
"I gave out some big names," Mallory said. "In particular a very big name. Huge."
"I also corroborated with Mallory on this big name," Lana said. "That was another reason they let me go."
"Who the hell do you know that's big enough for the cops to forget you?" Cheryl snorted.
"Uh…" Lana looked at Mallory.
"Okay I get it," Cheryl snickered. "You two are pretty much poor and have nothing. But come on! When has that ever stopped the government? You'd have to know somebody really rich and powerful to make that kind of an investigation go away."
"Uh…" Lana paused.
"I mean honestly!" Cheryl laughed. "What name could you possibly give that would be so big, the Feds would jump at the chance to make an example of?"
"Oh. My. God…" Ray realized what happened.
"You mean…?" Pam gasped,
"Yuupp," Lana nodded.
Cheryl went on. "I mean, come on! Who could you two possibly know that not only has a ton of money and influence, but you could easily get a ton of evidence off of? What rich person would be that stupid?"
Cheryl paused. "That reminds me, did you make that collage yet?"
"Collage?" Ray asked.
"Yeah Lana and Ms. Archer wanted some papers to make a collage for some kind of art project for their stupid daughter or something," Cheryl waved. "They had me bring some papers. Like transcripts of my brother's test scores. My brother's diary during college detailing the stuff he was doing instead of going to classes. Some check stubs my father used to pay off my brother's college…"
"Oh. My. God," Ray was stunned.
"And you didn't ask why they wanted those things?" Pam was stunned.
"They said it was some kind of history project," Cheryl blinked. "I think that's what they said. I don't know. It's all a blur after they gave me some glue. And some LSD breath strips."
"That solves that mystery," Ray groaned.
"It must be some hell of a collage," Cheryl said. "I think I even gave them some other papers."
"Carol was kind enough to show us several other papers," Mallory said calmly. "About how several high-ranking members of the Tunt Corporation were able to use company funds to bribe several colleges to allow their own children in."
"They were just lying around in my Dad's old office in LA," Cheryl waved. "I really should redecorate that."
"Oh. My. God," Ray looked at both Lana and Mallory. "You didn't…?" Ray pointed to Cheryl.
"We considered it," Mallory looked at Cheryl. "But then we realized we need her money more."
"Considered what?" Cheryl asked.
"There was more than enough evidence of other bribery and fraud without killing our golden goose brain," Cyril admitted.
"By the way Carol," Mallory said as she took a drink. "You really should redecorate that office. And maybe change some passwords so that it's not possible to download and copy everyone's e-mail."
"Eh, it can wait," Cheryl waved. "But seriously who did you guys rat out to save your hides?"
"Should we tell her?" Lana sighed.
"She'll figure it out," Mallory said. "Eventually."
Just then a phone rang. Cheryl fumbled around for her purse. "It's my phone. Huh? It's Cecil. I wonder what he wants?"
"Why don't you answer it?" Mallory said almost too sweetly.
"Eh, I don't feel like it," Cheryl waved. Her phone rang again. "And now Ugly from my company is calling. Ugh. I am definitely not going to answer that!"
"Oh God," Ray groaned. "This is just…"
The phone kept ringing. Cheryl looked at her phone. "And now my brother is calling again. Forget it. What? Now someone else from my company is calling! Now even another person from my company is calling? What is going on?"
"You really should answer your phone Cheryl," Lana sighed.
"No way," Cheryl waved. "Now Tiffy is calling! What the hell does that bitch want?"
"Oh boy…" Ray sighed. "Where the hell is Krieger with those drinks?"
"Why is everybody calling me?" Cheryl blinked. "Eh who cares? I want to go glue up and take a nap."
"You do that," Mallory said.
Cheryl got up and left the room. Leaving her ringing phone behind. "Oh my God," Lana remarked. "I knew we were going to get away with it. I just didn't think it was going to be that easy!"
"She's never going to figure it out, is she?" Pam asked.
"I'd be shocked if she even remembers this conversation," Cyril sighed. "Or checks her phone."
"She rarely does," Pam said. "Ms. Archer you do see the point Ray and I were trying to make the other day, right?"
Mallory remarked. "About how certain people of privilege buy their way into a college just to waste space while deserving hard working students get the shaft? I see your point. And I admit you do have one."
"Seriously," Ray looked at Mallory. "123?"
"Ughhh," Mallory groaned. "Just another thing on the list of me to yell at Sterling for when he wakes up. And let me tell you, that list is getting longer every day!"
"No wonder he's stayed so long in the coma," Cyril remarked.