A familiar face stood upon the Dock of Shame. "Camp Wawanakwa, baby!" he announced. "I'm Chris MacLean, here again to host a new season of Total Drama. There's going to be pain! There's going to be suffering! There's going to be multiple plotholes regarding the canon of the show! It's gonna be great!"
A great big yacht drove up to Camp Wawanakwa, containing 20 campers from seasons past.
"Please welcome… Brick, Jo, B, Dawn, Lightning, Sierra, Lindsay, Harold, Noah, Cody, Eva, Staci, Geoff, Alejandro, Ezekiel, Owen, Courtney, LeShawna, Dakota, and Beth!" Chris announced. One by one, each camper stepped off the ramp of the yacht and onto the Dock of Shame. "Welcome back, campers!"
"You have no idea how welcome I feel." Noah said.
"Aw, cheer up, Noah." Owen put Noah in a headlock and gave him a noogie. "This is gonna be fun."
"Yeah. I ain't losing this time, eh." Ezekiel said.
"Puh-lease. Ain't none of you got a chance when LeShawna's in the house." LeShawna bragged.
"Sha-please, girl. You haven't seen the Lightning in action. Sha-BAM!" Lightning punched the air, accidentally hitting Harold in the back of the head.
"Now, now, you can all prove yourselves in today's challenge, which is happening… right now." Chris said.
"What?" Beth asked surprised-ly.
"Yup. Your first challenge is a simple one. Race to the top of Wawanakwa Cliff, leap off into the safe zone, and return here. I'll determine your teams based on how quickly you make it."
"Ooh. This'll be easy." Staci said. "Yeah, my Great-Great-Great-Uncle Blake invented cliff diving. Before him, people just fell off. Yeah."
"Anyway… Are you ready?!" Chris asked.
"Wait, I don't think I understand-" Owen started.
"GO!" Chris blew an air horn, causing all the campers to start running.
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"Seeing as how Jo is still in this game, I have to make sure I'm giving it 110%" Brick said. "I may have lost to her last time, but I've been through enough drills that victory is inevitable."
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All 20 campers started running as fast as they could, some faster than others. Brick, Jo, Eva, Lightning, and Alejandro were far ahead of everyone else, while Owen, Noah, Staci, Cody and Sierra were way in the back, though Cody being in the back was more Sierra's fault than his, as she was carrying him.
"Oh, we're gonna win this, Cody. I can smell it." Sierra told him.
"That's… great." Cody smiled awkwardly.
"Yeah, did you know my Uncle Bertrand is working on inventing smell-o-vision?" Staci asked. "Yeah, my family is full of totally creative people. It's amazing."
"Wow. You must be filthy rich." Owen was clearly impressed.
"Maybe she could take you on a date to Paris when this is over." Noah said cynically.
"What? That'd be silly." Owen was blushing.
"That would be adorable! Wait until I get to blog about this. The Total Drama fanbase will flip!" Sierra said.
"Yeah, my Great Aunt Ruth invented blog posts." Staci said. "Before her, people had to tell each other what was happening in their lives. Yeah."
Warp to slightly ahead of the race. Ezekiel, LeShawna, B, Harold, Beth, and Lindsay were running at their pace.
"Oohwee. I do not remember it being this far of a run to the cliff." LeShawna complained.
"Actually, from the Dock of Shame to the top of the cliff is approximately 3.21869 kilometers." Harold said.
"You actually bothered to measure all that?" LeShawna asked.
"Actually, it's merely an estimation, but it's essentially accurate."
"Whatever. The Zeke can conquer this easy." Ezekiel said.
"Look, Zeke, I'm not trying to be rude, but bragging isn't very gentlemanly." Beth told him.
"You're just jealous, eh." Ezekiel said. "I got this." Ezekiel ran ahead of the others, catching up to Dakota, Courtney, and Geoff.
"'Sup, dawgs?" Ezekiel greeted them.
"Big Zeke! Whaddup, dude!" Geoff greeted back.
"Great. Now we have two idiots to deal with." Courtney complained.
"I don't know. The blonde guy's pretty cute." Dakota said.
"Who, Geoff? Trust me, he's an idiot."
Ezekiel ran past the two of them, B, Sierra, and Cody following close behind.
"Whoah! Wait, up dudes!" Geoff ran ahead with them.
Meanwhile, near the front of the pack, Brick was getting exhausted from not pacing himself.
"Running out of steam, cadet meat?" Jo taunted.
"No! I'm just… pacing myself!" Brick told her.
"Not if I have anything to do about it!" Jo slowed down, pacing herself too. Suddenly, B, Sierra, and Cody ran ahead of them. Ezekiel and Geoff, who had also not paced themselves, caught up to Brick and Jo.
"'Sup, guys." Ezekiel said before collapsing.
Geoff, Jo and Brick just looked at each other awkwardly.
Now towards the front of the pack, Lightning, Eva, and Alejandro showed no sign of slowing down.
"Sha-Yes! There's the top of the cliff!" Lightning exclaimed as he made a running jump off the cliff, unfortunately for him, he did not land in the safe zone, in fact, he landed face-first onto the shore.
"Sha-AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGH!" he cried in pain.
Eva and Alejandro winced at Lightning.
"Please, after you, fair lady." Alejandro let Eva jump first.
"Step aside, pretty boy." Eva pushed Al out of the way and jumped into the safe zone and began to swim towards shore.
Alejandro was about to jump for himself, until Sierra, Cody, and B showed up.
"Ah, Sierra, after you." Alejandro said, trying to be as gentlemanly as possible.
Sierra tossed Cody off the cliff. "I'm coming, Cody!" she called as she jumped off herself.
Alejandro looked at B. "Amigo?" he asked as he gestured towards the edge of the cliff.
B politely shook his head and let Alejandro go first.
"Gracias." Al said as he jumped off the cliff himself, noticing Lightning was still stuck face-first into the sand.
B was the next to jump off the cliff, causing a huge splash that dislodged Lightning's head from the shore.
"Mommy?" Lightning was still dazed from landing on his head. B picked Lightning up and carried him to the finish line.
Warp back to the Dock of Shame, where Chris and Dawn were waiting.
Eva, Sierra, and Cody made it to the Dock.
"Eva! Sierra! Cody! You made it." Chris said.
"Hey! That's not fair!" Eva noticed Dawn. "How come she didn't have to go?"
"She did." Chris said.
"But she's not even wet!"
"Oh, I used a shortcut." Dawn explained.
"Regardless, you three are on a team with Dawn." Chris said.
Eva, Sierra, and Cody walked up next to Dawn. "I'm watching you." Eva told Dawn.
"Your obsession with winning could easily be remedied if you felt like somebody loved you." Dawn said. "Want to be friends?"
"What the?" Eva asked. "Who told you that?"
"Oh, it's all over your aura."
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"I don't trust Dawn one bit." Eva said. "She'd better watch her back!"
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Alejandro, B, and Lightning made it to the Dock of Shame.
"Chris! We're here." Alejandro said.
"Great. Alejandro, go join Dawn's team. B and Lightning, you two start a new team." Chris said.
Geoff, Brick, and Jo were the next to make it.
"Geoff, Brick, Jo. You're on a team with B and Lightning." Chris told them.
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"Hm. Maybe having Lightning on my team won't be too bad." Jo contemplated. "He's probably forgotten his little grudge he had on me last time. I could probably boss him around the same way I did last time and he wouldn't even notice."
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Warp back to where Ezekiel collapsed. Harold, LeShawna, Beth, and Lindsay had caught up.
"…and in the American measure system, it would be two mi-" Harold was trying to explain how big the island was when he tripped on Ezekiel.
"Hey! Watch it, Holmes." Ezekiel said.
"Zeke?" Harold asked.
"What the heck are you doin' on the ground like that?" LeShawna asked.
"I, uh, was tripped." Ezekiel lied.
"Poor thing. We have to help him." Beth said.
"Well I ain't carrying him." LeShawna said.
"Ooh! I could try!" Lindsay lifted Ezekiel up like it was nothing. "Wow. He weighs, like, nothing."
"That's great, now let's go!" LeShawna coaxed them as they kept running.
Warp back to Noah, Owen, and Staci.
"Yeah, and my third uncle, twice removed invented horseback riding." Staci said. "Before him, people just used the horses for meat and glue."
"Wow." Owen was enthralled with Staci's stories, Noah, not so much.
"Horseback riding has been around since before the Middle Ages, hon, I doubt your third uncle twice removed invented it." Noah said.
"Come on, Noah, why don't you believe her?" Owen asked. "She's awesome!"
"She's also a compulsive liar." Noah said.
"Aw, it's OK, Noah." Staci said. "I don't expect you to believe me. I mean, my family is too awesome to be true."
Warp back to the Dock of Shame. Courtney and Dakota had just started the third team.
"So, who's still out there, anyway?" Dakota asked no one in particular.
"Noah, Owen, Harold, Beth, Lindsay, Ezekiel, LeShawna, and Staci." Sierra said without hesitation, or taking a breath.
"Great." Courtney groaned. "Maybe if we're lucky we'll get stuck with the geeks."
LeShawna, Beth, Lindsay, Ezekiel, and Harold all made it to the Dock.
"LeShawna, Beth, Lindsay, you three go join Courtney and Dakota." Chris said. "Zeke and Harold, you two start the last team."
Finally, after another twenty minutes, Noah, Owen, and Staci made it to the Dock.
"Staci, Noah, Owen, you three go join Harold and Zeke. You guys are in the last place team."
"Aw. But we were doing so well." Staci said.
"Now, the three winning teams, you get to choose your team names."
"Team Cody!" Sierra called.
"Lightning Squad!" Lightning called.
"Team Girl Power!" Lindsay and Dakota called.
"Okay!" Chris officialised the team names. "Last place team, you will be Team Losers, and you will have to vote somebody out tonight. Choose wisely."
"Wait! How come we're the Lightning Squad? How stupid is that!" Jo asked.
"For now, let's go to craft services for some nice Chef-made dinner." Chris said, ignoring Jo. The campers all groaned.
Warp to the mess hall.
"Okay, maggots, it's time for food. Y'all know what that means?" Chef asked. "It means you're gonna eat my food, or I'm gonna feed YOU to the other campers!" The campers all lined up for food.
"Psst. Harold." Noah whispered. "We're voting for Staci tonight. I don't trust her. Tell Zeke. Don't. Tell. Owen."
"Got it." Harold whispered back.
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"Hey, did you guys know my great Uncle Stan invented cameras?" Staci asked. "Yeah, before him, people just had to remember what happened. It was so hard."
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Warp to the bonfire. Ezekiel, Harold, Noah, Owen, and Staci all sat on a tree stump by the fire, each with a stick in hand. Chris stood beside the fire, holding a platter with four marshmallows on it.
"Team Losers, welcome to the Bonfire Ceremony." Chris said. "I have four marshmallows with me. If you receive a marshmallow, then you are safe, and will live another day on Camp Wawanakwa. But if you don't receive a marshmallow, then you must ride the Hurl of Shame all the way to Playa Des Losers."
The tension rose between the campers.
"The first marshmallow of the night goes to… Harold." Chris said.
"Yes!" Harold fist-pumped and grabbed a marshmallow from Chris's platter, placing it on his stick, and roasting it.
"Noah." Chris called.
Noah smirked and followed Harold's suit.
"Owen." Chris said.
Owen ran up to Chris and took a marshmallow, swallowing it whole, and belching. "Thanks."
Ezekiel and Staci both sat there, afraid that they would be eliminated first again.
"The final marshmallow of the night goes to…" Chris hesitated for suspense's sake.
…
…
…
…
…
"…Ezekiel." Chris finished.
"Yeah! I told you I wasn't gonna lose this time!" Ezekiel claimed a marshmallow.
"Staci! No!" Owen cried.
"What? Why doesn't this game like me?" Staci asked.
"You know what this means, Staci." Chris smiled sadistically.
Warp to the Hurl of Shame, with Staci sitting in the catapult.
"Any last words, Staci?" Chris asked.
"You know, my grandpa Bob invented last words. He-" Staci started talking, but Chris launched her.
"Staci! NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Owen ran up to the catapult and started crying. "Oh, Staci! I hardly knew ya!"
"Pathetic," Chris shook his head at Owen. "Who will be hurled next? Find out next time, on Total. Drama. Island. Crossover!"