Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.
This is just a random one-shot that I thought of. In this, Will and Henry do not exist. It also contains established JJ/Reid, Hotch/Prentiss, and Garcia/Morgan. Enjoy!
"Jayje, we don't have to go. I'm sure they'd all under—"
The blonde held up a hand to stop what he had said at least ten times in the last half hour as they tried to ready their children for the annual Christmas party.
"Spencer, please don't; just don't. I've told you, we're going to go. This is important to them," she explained while gesturing to the four and two year olds trying to put on their own socks. Normally she'd smile at their persistence to do something themselves, but not today. Today she couldn't.
"I could take them, and you could stay and relax. They said you needed rest," Reid tried to persuade his wife again, but she wouldn't budge.
"So I can stay here and wallow in misery? No thanks, I'd rather spend the holidays with my family," she answered with an eye roll as she began to turn toward the door, but stopped as she heard her son shout her name with glee.
"Mommy! Mommy! Look! I did it all by me self!" She forced a smile as she looked down at her son's sock-covered feet.
"Good job, Nick," she tried to inject as much enthusiasm in her voice as she could. "Go find your shoes, okay?"
The boy nodded and ran off in search of his shoes while his father went to help the frustrated two-year-old, who was having a much harder time pulling on her frilly white socks.
JJ once again turned to walk away, but stopped short of taking a step when she heard her husband's voice calling her back this time.
"What should I do about Kin's hair?"
She shrugged, not facing her daughter and husband. "Brush it and leave it down, I guess."
Sighing as JJ walked away, Reid helped his little girl stand up.
"Ready to do your hair?" he asked McKinley, who nodded. He sighed again as he took his daughter's hand and led her out of the room to do something that was simple enough, but he'd never done. Something that her mother always did for her, but couldn't today.
"JJ, are you sure that you're up to this?" Spencer asked as he parked the car out front of the Garcia-Morgan house.
"I'm fine, Spencer," she snapped, and instantly regretted it when he slowly nodded and took the keys out of the ignition.
She raked a hand through her hair and took a breath before speaking again. "I'm sorry, Spence. I know you're just trying to help and be supportive… It's just I don't want to ruin Christmas, and I think this will be good for all of us, including me, okay? So please don't say anything while we're here."
He nodded slowly again as he opened his door and went to get the children from the backseat. JJ followed suit, but was stopped by Spencer when she tried to pick up their four year old.
"What," she questioned with more of an attitude than she intended.
"You need to take it easy," Reid explained. "I'll get the kids; you go in."
"I told you I'm fine," she replied, her voice getting angrier with every word. "I think I can handle carrying my son."
He looked at her, his brown eyes pleading, and it nearly caused her to break down right there. He was only doing what he thought was right. And if she actually thought about it, he was going through the same pain she was. But she couldn't bear to think about his pain when hers was barely tolerable; so she reluctantly turned and walked to the house.
She knocked once before Reid came to her side with both McKinley and Nick, and it took two more times before Garcia threw open the door with a "Merry Christmas!" and embraced all of them.
JJ smiled at her friend's antics and hugged the eccentric woman back. It had been a while since she'd seen her coworker. After Garcia left on maternity leave, she'd only seen her twice, once when Noah was born and once when she, Emily, and Penelope had had a play date for their children.
They stepped into the house and the children took off their jackets and ran toward the other children; Penelope chased after them.
Reid slipped his hand into JJ's, but she subtly withdrew her hand and went to place the presents they brought underneath the tree. Spencer frowned and began his way over toward his wife, but she immediately made her way over to a very pregnant Emily.
He sighed as he looked around the room. Penelope was chasing the kids, trying to teach them the words to the Christmas song blaring from the stereo. JJ was talking to Emily who was trying to make herself comfortable on Garcia and Morgan's couch. Rossi, Hotch, and Morgan were not in the living room, in the kitchen he guessed.
He decided on joining the other men in the kitchen and started to make his way over until the little blue blanket caught his eye. He looked over and saw Noah sleeping peacefully in his swing, rocking back and forth. He smiled as he continued to stare at the sleeping infant and felt a pang of sadness.
Shaking his head to rid it of the 'what ifs' that began plaguing him, he made his way to the kitchen, where he was greeted by the laughter of his three closest friends.
JJ pretended that she didn't notice Spencer staring at little Noah sleeping; she also tried to tell herself that she didn't see a flash of pain in his eyes as he walked away.
But she knew that it happened.
She nodded again to whatever Prentiss was saying because she wasn't really listening anymore. She was too worried about the look in Spencer's eyes. She knew exactly how he felt, and she knew exactly why he felt that way.
And it made her hate herself just a little more.
"Present time!" Penelope shouted as she rounded everyone up and settled them near the tree. McKinley and Nick Reid, Jack and Liam Hotchner, and Kennedy Morgan sat around the tree, anxiously waiting for their name to be called. Hotch, Reid, Morgan, and Rossi stood behind them, but left a clear area so that Emily wouldn't have to get up to see. JJ sat beside her.
Penelope began calling out the names and Spencer slowly made his way toward JJ and Emily.
JJ, immediately noticing Reid's movements, got up from the couch and retreated to the kitchen.
Sighing, Spencer made his way back to his original place, while Emily, who noticed the whole exchange, narrowed her eyes and looked from Reid to the kitchen.
Her thoughts were interrupted by Liam, who came running over to her with a toy in his hand. "Mommy, look what Unca Dave gotted me! It rawrs!" he exclaimed making the toy dinosaur growl.
Despite her concern for her blonde friend, she couldn't help but smile at her young son.
"So, Pen, why the green streaks?" Emily asked when the three BAU women were able to sit down and talk.
Penelope smiled and looked away from Derek playing with Kennedy and her new baby doll that her Aunt JJ and Uncle Spencer had gotten her.
"Well, my hair was already red, so I thought let's add green for Christmas!" The tech and the brunette laughed, and JJ forced a short laugh.
"Is something wrong, Jayje?" Penelope asked, not masking the concern in her eyes as she and Emily looked at their friend.
JJ's reply was fast, a little too fast Penelope and Emily noted. "No," JJ began but was cut off by the whirling of a toy helicopter with flashing lights past their heads.
They turned and saw Hotch and Rossi laughing with Liam and Jack as the helicopter circled around them.
Rubbing her belly, Emily shook her head and laughed. "Why Rossi got Jack that toy, I'll never know."
They didn't notice JJ staring at her out of the corner of her eye, and they certainly didn't notice the pang of jealousy that she felt.
Penelope laughed too, and JJ forced another smile, trying to shake all unpleasant thoughts from her mind. "I'm worried about Spence and that magic kit. It may have been for Nick, but he looked just as excited."
The women laughed again, but were interrupted by Noah's cries as the helicopter whirled past him. Derek looked up, about to go to his son, but Penelope waved him off and went to retrieve him from his swing.
She began rocking him back and forth before checking the time. "Oh, it's time for him to eat. Will you hold him for a second while I get his bottle, Jayje?"
Without thinking, JJ nodded and accepted the small boy into her arms as his mother disappeared into the kitchen.
JJ stared down at the infant in her arms and swallowed the lump in her throat. She could feel her husband's gaze on her, along with Emily's, who undoubtedly knew something was wrong after watching that interaction with Spencer earlier.
Suddenly, she couldn't take it any longer. The sound of the children laughing, her husband's and friend's concerned stares, and holding the tiny blue bundle in her arms made her break, and she had to try her hardest to hold back her tears.
"Em," she choked out. "Will you take him? I have to go to the bathroom…"
Emily nodded, taking the boy into her arms and JJ practically ran out of the living room, passing a confused Garcia on her way out.
Garcia's confused expression was still evident as she sat across from Emily and took her son.
"What happened?"
"I don't know," Emily replied, struggling a bit to get up by herself. "But, I'll be right back."
JJ wiped at her eyes for what felt like the hundredth time as she sat on the toilet lid in Penelope and Derek's bathroom.
She noticed that her makeup was running when she pulled her hand away from her face, but she couldn't bring herself to look in the mirror, not after what happened. Not after what she did what she swore that she wouldn't do.
She allowed herself to break. In front of everybody. Even her children.
And she hated herself a little more that night.
A soft knock pulled her from her thoughts and she frantically tried to wipe the tears and mascara off of her face without looking in the mirror.
"JJ…" Emily's voice called.
"Just a minute," she replied, still wiping at her face.
"Jayje, come on. You and I both know you aren't going to the bathroom…"
JJ didn't respond, but Emily persisted. "JJ, please, let me in. Talk to me."
She still didn't get a response, so she knocked again. "I'm not leaving, JJ; so you can either let me in, or I'll just have to get Penelope to get me the key…"
JJ sighed, knowing that she wasn't going to get away from this. She slowly pulled open the door and sat on the edge of the bathtub, allowing Emily to take her spot on the lidded toilet.
Emily took sight of her friend's puffy red eyes, and mascara-smudged cheeks, and pulled her into a hug, which caused the liaison-turned-profiler to break down once again.
While JJ silently sobbed on Emily's shoulder, Penelope made her way up to the bathroom. JJ pulled back from her and Emily's embrace when she noticed Penelope, but held on to Emily's hand.
"Oh, god," she mumbled. "I ruined your night. I'm sorry…"
"JJ," Emily said softly, "you didn't ruin our night."
"Yes, I did. I ruined it all. It's all my fault! You should be spending Christmas Eve with your families, not up here with me."
"Jayje, you are our family" Penelope began, walking closer toward her friends. "What's wrong, sweetie?" She asked, gently taking JJ's other shaking hand in hers.
JJ couldn't look up from the tiled floor. How was she supposed to tell them?
"You know you can tell us anything," Emily prodded gently.
JJ nodded her head, but stayed silent as she stared at the floor.
After a few minutes, JJ spoke up. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to break down on Christmas Eve, especially when I was holding Noah. I just couldn't…"
"It's okay," Penelope comforted and Emily nodded her agreement. "Just tell us what's going on in that pretty blonde head of yours."
JJ looked at the floor silently, and the two other women didn't think that she would speak. But soon the former liaison took a deep breath. "My cousin was here yesterday," she began, and while the two older women didn't know what that had to do why JJ was crying, they let her talk without interruption.
"She was only here for a day before she headed up to Pennsylvania to spend Christmas with my aunt and uncle, and I only spent three hours with her."
JJ stopped talking, and Penelope and Emily exchanged a glance over their distraught friend.
"Jayje, it's okay. I'm sure that what you had to do was important; your cousin will understand," Emily comforted.
JJ hung her head even lower, and when she lifted it slightly, the redhead and the senior profiler could see new tear tracks down her cheeks.
"Spencer had to take me to the hospital," JJ stated and her friends gasped.
"What happened? Are you sick? She doesn't seem sick, right?"
Emily nodded her response to Garcia's question but JJ shook her head. "I had, um…I had a…a…miscarriage," she whispered.
"Oh, god, Jayje," Emily whispered, rubbing comforting circles on her back, while still holding her friend's hand. "I'm so sorry."
"I didn't even know you were pregnant," Garcia mumbled.
"No one did. I'd just told Spence," JJ informed them with a rueful smile, her eyes still focused on the floor. "We were going to tell everyone today, you know? With everyone being together, it just seemed like the right time, but then everything happened so fast. I couldn't stop it. I tried… I tried so hard." At the crack in her voice, JJ stopped for a minute to try and compose herself. "I even prayed. God, do you know how long it's been since I've prayed?"
Penelope and Emily shared another glance, but allowed JJ to continue. "Now, Spence keeps trying to be supportive and understanding and I just keep snapping at him. I don't mean to; I know he means well, but I just can't take it. He's so kind, but he should be furious with me! He should hate me!" She exclaimed, her hands moving wildly as she became more passionate. "I hate me!"
"JJ, stop it right now," Garcia said sternly. "Do not say that."
"Why not? It's the truth! It's my fault!"
"JJ," Emily said softly, tugging her arm. "I know what you're feeling, but this is not your fault."
JJ finally looked Emily in the eye. "How is it not? The baby was inside of me. My job was to protect it, and I obviously failed." JJ heard the vulnerability in her own voice, but for once in her life, she didn't care.
"Oh, Jayje," Penelope whispered, her voice even softer. "You couldn't have done anything else to protect it."
"I could've stayed out of the field after I found out. I could've cut back on what I was doing—"
"Jayje, you do know that you have two very healthy, rambunctious children downstairs that you didn't have to do any of those things to have. You couldn't have done anything wrong this time; you weren't even in the field yesterday," Emily basically pleaded with her friend to see her point.
"Then what went wrong?" JJ asked in a voice so small and desperate that it broke her friends' hearts.
"JJ, I…" Penelope began. "I know that this isn't right, and it's not fair at all, but sometimes these things happen, and we can't control it."
"No matter how hard we try, we just can't do anything about it," Emily whispered. "Except for in time, come to terms with what's happened. And I know it'll take a long time; it's not easy, but we'll be here for you every step of the way."
JJ went quiet as she thought about her children, Spencer, and what her friends had said.
After a few minutes, JJ finally spoke.
"Thank you," she said, giving her best friends a hug.
"There's no reason to thank us," Emily said.
"Yeah," Penelope agreed. "We're your family, Jayje. You can come to us for anything, you know that. We love you."
JJ wiped at a tear that ran down her face. "I love you too," she murmured.
Maybe everything would be okay.
I haven't written for Criminal Minds in a while. This is a sad one shot that I don't even know where it came from. Hopefully it wasn't too suckish. Ahhhh, anyway, thanks for reading and leave a review if you feel like it. (}: