"Craig Tucker, I swear to whatever higher power there is, if you get us all arrested, I'm breaking up with you," Tweek announced from the passenger seat, his arms crossed firmly over his chest, face set in a displeased scowl. It was an empty threat, and Craig knew it, but Tweek wanted to be sure his boyfriend understood how much of a terrible idea he thought their plan was.
The gang was preparing to celebrate their first day of freedom from school with a trip into Denver. They wanted to spend the day away from the insanity of South Park and around relatively normal people for a few hours.
"Don't worry, everything will be fine," Craig said easily, reaching across the console to pat Tweek's leg. "If anything happens, just remember Plan B." They were on their way to their first stop to pick up Jason and Jimmy, and after, Clyde and Token.
Tweek huffed and slumped back in his seat, pouting out the window. "Still..."
Craig smiled at him fondly, slowing as they reached Jimmy's house, their two friends waiting for them. Jimmy got in first, handing his crutches off to Jason to store in the trunk of Craig's car.
"H-Hey there, fellas," he greeted brightly, sliding over and smushing himself against the door to make room for Jason beside him. "Ready for adve-ad-adventure?"
Craig nodded as Jason got in, shutting the door behind him. "You guys will be okay being cramped back there, yeah?" he asked as he backed out of the Valmer's driveway, making the short drive to Clyde's house.
"We're fine," Jason assured. "It'll only be for an hour."
"I know, but this car is hardly made to hold six people."
It was true; Craig's shitty old car, while nice with the proper number of passengers, was not ideal for the entire gang to use. It was tiny, seating only four, and had very little leg room. No one had cared when he had first gotten it, rather they had all been excited for him, but as the need to go places began to crop up, so did their dislike of Craig's car. But the teen himself didn't give a shit. He loved his car, and as far as he was concerned, as long as he and Tweek could fit in it comfortably, that was all that mattered.
However, teenagers did stupid stuff all the time, regardless of things like safety and the threat of death. Therefore, it didn't stop them from taking Craig's car out of South Park for activities. It was, in fact, the only thing that Tweek and Craig fought about, but even then it was not a hard battle, as Tweek trusted Craig to keep him safe, and Craig would never do something purposefully that could get his boyfriend injured. His friends often accused him of driving like a grandmother, but in reality, he just wanted Tweek to feel safe.
Tweek appreciated the effort Craig put in for him, which ended up also being the reason he could never tell him 'no' to things, even when he knew they were horrible ideas that could end very poorly for them, and usually did.
When Token and Clyde got squished in, Tweek let out a sigh. No turning back now, he was in it for the long haul.
Once on the road, he was distracted from his worries by his friends and their conversations. Jason and Jimmy were in the middle of a heated argument over irony and it's place in the comedic sphere. Jimmy argued it wasn't technically comedy because it wasn't based on the idea of making people laugh, while Jason claimed it was due to its satirical nature. Clyde jumped in on Jimmy's side, figuring he was the expert in this, while Token agreed with Jason, claiming comedy didn't specifically equate itself to laughter.
It was a crazed mass of heated yelling and pointing, but no one was getting angry at least. When Craig was asked to weight in, he told them all to leave him the fuck out of it, he didn't care, leaving only Tweek to break the tie.
The four all began talking at once, trying to get Tweek's attention before the others. All this served to do, however, was overload poor Tweek's brain. He screamed, pressing his hands over his ears to block them out, making Craig turn in his seat to yell at them to shut the fuck up and leave Tweek alone, only to discover that they were being followed by a state trooper.
"Oh, fuck! Everyone be sure your belted in, I am not getting arrested for that," he snapped as the lights on the car behind them flipped on and the siren started up. The boys scrambled, Tweek yanking at the strap over his chest to be sure it was still there while Token and Jason looped their seat belts around Clyde and Jimmy who were seated on their laps. It was tight and uncomfortable, but made them all theoretically buckled up.
"Oh, God," Tweek groaned, watching the approaching car with wide eyes as Craig pulled to the side of the road and slowed to a stop. "Craig, I don't want to be arrested! That's way too much pressure, man!"
"I know, I know," he answered, reaching over and grabbing his hand tightly. "Don't panic, everything is going to be fine. Just do like we planned, alright?" Everyone nodded, falling silent as the officer got out of his car and headed to Craig's window. He was tall, maybe as tall as Craig, and his sunglasses were to dark to see through, making the dark plastic a sort of two way mirror. One thing was sure, he was trying to intimidate them, and it was close to working.
"Do you know why I pulled you over today, sir?" he asked evenly. Though his head didn't move, the four in the backseat knew he was looking at them. Taking a breath, Craig started in.
"Lo siento, no hablo inglés," he said, giving his best look of confusion, crinkling his nose slightly as his eyebrows furrowed.
The officer said nothing, but the boys, used to picking out the tiny hints of emotion in Craig's face could easily spot the signs of surprise in his face. Looking past Craig to Tweek, he repeated his question, making him squirm nervously.
As the man spoke, Tweek began to sign at him, pretending to be deaf. He felt bad using his ASL knowledge dishonestly, but he felt more strongly about not wanting to go to jail. If this could keep that from happening, he'd do just about anything, and to be fair, he had only learned ASL as a way to help the coffee shop and reach more costumers.
Huffing in annoyance, the trooper looked into the backseat.
"Can any of you understand me?" he demanded.
In response, he was bombarded with Italian, French, German, and Dutch.
"Fottimi, agent-t-te," Jimmy said, his stern look not at all matching the request he had just made, making Token struggle to control his laughter as he took a deep breath to calm himself.
"Ne fais pas attention à mon amie," he told the officer, his tone smooth and silky. "C'est un crétin."
Confused by the mess of words being thrown at him in languages he didn't understand, the officer's hard facade was quickly collapsing, and it did not go unnoticed by the teen-packed car.
"Volgens mij begrijp je me niet," Clyde declared, a wide grin spreading across his face. "Ik mag zeggen wat ik wil."
"Versuch nicht dein Glück," Jason warned, shooting the other a frown.
Utterly befuddled, the trooper walked back to his car, but didn't get in, instead pulling out his radio and talking into it.
"I have no idea what any of you just said, but if we get jailed for it, I'm kicking everyone's asses," Craig commented, watching the man in his side mirror. "I think he's asking for advice. Meeting a bunch of dudes on the highway who may or may not speak English is probably not something he was trained for."
Clyde turned to look out the back window, grinning and waving when the man looked up at him. "I think he's suspicious," he reported after a moment. "He didn't wave back and he looked annoyed." As he said this, the officer put down his radio and started to walk back towards them, this time headed for Tweek's side.
"Dude, I think he's going to try to prove that Tweek is faking!" he hissed. "Tweek, he's going to try to scare you! I'd bet ten bucks he's going to scream or make a loud noise and try to get you to jump!"
Biting his lip, Tweek glanced at his boyfriend for support. Being jumpy was just a part of being him, and loud, sudden noises certainly didn't help things. Craig grabbed his hand and squeezed it gently.
"You got this, babe," he whispered, his eyes darting towards the approaching figure and back. "When he does it, we'll all jump and scream. It'll look like you reacted to us and not him."
Giving a slight nod, Tweek shivered as a chill went down his spine, willing himself not to whip around and face the approaching footsteps. Just when he thought he wouldn't be able to resist for a second longer, the man was at the window. When he finally did scream in an attempt to startle him, Tweek found that for once it was easy to not react. The officer was breathing pretty heavily and had thus ruined his own plan.
True to Craig's promise, the five let out loud shrikes, throwing themselves around in the car. This did startle Tweek, and he jerked back towards the window, watching them all with wide eyes.
"Damn, thought that would work," the officer muttered. Letting out a heavy sigh, he walked around the car back to Craig's window. "Just... if any of you can understand me at all, drive safe. Don't get into any accidents." He sounded so defeated that for a moment, the boys almost felt bad. Almost.
Once the patrol car had disappeared in front of them, the group began to laugh and congratulate one another on their success. As Craig started the car back up and got merged back into traffic, they began to question one another on what they had said.
"YOU SAID THAT TO A COP?!" Clyde screamed when Jimmy revealed he had told the trooper to fuck him.
"I s-sure did," Jimmy agreed, nodding as he grinned. "'Fuck me, officer' is ex-exa-ex-e-precisely what I said. All I know how to say is d-dirty shit. What about you, T-To-Token?"
"I basically said to ignore whatever you said because you're an idiot," Token laughed. "I could kind of understand what you said but I wasn't totally sure. Guess I was more correct than I realized. What was it you were saying anyway, Clyde?"
"Oh! I pretty much just called him out that he couldn't understand me and that I could say whatever I wanted."
"And then I told Clyde not to push his luck," Jason added, shoving Clyde's shoulder as the two laughed. "But I admit I had no idea what he said, I just assumed it was something dumb."
"Wow, what a bunch of smart-asses," Tweek observed with a chuckle.
Clyde reached forward, poking the other in the middle of his forehead. "Yeah? And what was it you were signing all fancy to him?"
Tweek blushed, crossing his arms and turning to face front. "I... I told him the steps to making a grande vanilla bean frappe with caramel," he admitted. When the boys behind him stiffled their snorts of amusement, he turned red. "I panicked, okay!? Shut up, don't judge me!"
"You signed him my favorite order." The laughter died almost immediately as all eyes went to Craig, who didn't look away from the road once.
"Well, I mean... Yeah... I was just looking at you and couldn't think of anything else," the teen admitted, feeling his embarrassment ebb away. "So, thanks, I guess, for being an inspiration."
"Gaaaaaaaaay," Clyde cooed, leaning forward between the seats. "Craig, is that really your favorite order? That's like a total basic white girl drink."
"So? It's popular for a reason, dummy," Craig said, flicking his nose and making him squeak and retreat. "It's goddamn delicious, and Tweek makes cute little designs in the caramel. I'd be a fucking idiot if I didn't take advantage of those two facts."
"He makes a great point," Jason conceded, Token and Jimmy nodding in agreement. "I suppose we'll all have to try it."
"I dunno, I'm not a huge fan of caramel," Clyde said hesitantly. "Just something about it is really weird. It's like honey, but sweeter. I dunno, man, I just don't trust it."
"Get it with chocolate instead," Tweek suggested. "If you do during the summer, it's called 'ladybug', and instead of mixing in pumps of caramel and drizzling it on top, we use pumps of chocolate sauce and the inside of the cup gets dotted with chocolate spots."
Eyes wide at this news, Clyde nodded hurriedly. "Oh fuck yeah," he said, looking at his friends excitedly. "Sign me the hell up."
"Just d-don't stick your dick in it," Jimmy teased.
"Just because you said that, I'm gonna fuck the drink."
"Clyde, no."
"Clyde, YES."