Rating: R with mild sexual content
Summary: Things collapse on top of Kathryn after some decisions are made. That's all I can say without giving things away...
Credits: Title and first verse quoted here from Beth Neilsen Chapman's song "Avalanche" from her CD, Beth Neilsen Chapman. 1990.
Copyright 2000 Cassatt
I wasn't ready for the avalanche
When we let things slide
I'd always hoped that we would have the chance
At least to say we tried...
Kathryn, tired of pacing her quarters, was instead pacing the corridors. She watched her feet moving ahead, one after the other, the pace even, the stride consistent. Over and over and over they moved her along the carpet. Shiny black boots at the end of black legs. Black. Supposedly the absence of all color. Like the void they spent months in. Although 'they' was a loose term for that period to Kathryn's way of thinking. She spent the time in her quarters while everyone else worked the ship under the command of her first officer. Perhaps in an effort to keep from repeating that performance her feet had driven her out.
Yet her eyes remained downcast. She couldn't face the accusatory looks of her crew. The questions. The wondering. The pain. The fear. She saw enough of that in the mirror.
"Good evening, Captain."
She sighed and slowly raised her head. The one face she didn't want to see. "Good evening, B'Elanna." She made an attempt to continue her travels, skirting around the lieutenant standing with her arms folded and brown eyes piercing with intensity. Her walking continued.
"Captain!" B'Elanna's voice rang against the corridor walls. She ignored it.
In the middle of the night Kathryn made her way to Astrometrics, quiet now during beta shift. Instructing the computer to illuminate to just 50 was the easy part. Somehow she made her way to the console, her fingers tapping of their own accord. The cluster appeared on the wall in front of her but her eyes remained fixed on her hands. Drawn by some force reminiscent of self-flagellation she looked up to study the stars and planets they had passed the week before.
Again her fingers acted. Brought one planet to full screen. The planet rotated as the computer program ran and without being conscious of it she stopped it on a land mass in the northern hemisphere. It looked innocuous enough. Quite lovely actually. Class M. Forests. Lakes. Small mountain range. Some technology.
Drawn by the force again she made her way in front of the console to stand on the platform, her hand reaching out, trying to touch the surface as though the wall would feel like land and water and air...and him. Tears stung her eyelids as she felt her legs give way. Kathryn collapsed on the floor as the grief finally overwhelmed her fragile hold on composure. She cried in the silence, the planet glowing, vibrant, beautiful, full of life.
Seven of Nine found her the next morning at the start of alpha. Unaccountably she was glad no other crew member was around, surprised at herself for caring. She contacted the Doctor who arrived quickly but finding the Captain merely sleeping he woke her gently, then walked with her back to the officer's quarters. Against her protestations he ordered her to bed and gave her a sedative. He contacted Tuvok upon leaving informing him he would be in command until a medical release was granted.
The forest was so dark but her feet continued to move, the feel of the soft earth cool against her soles. Looking at her wrist for a light she saw instead a shiny silver bracelet. Charms dangled and glowed. Planets, stars, suns all bounced as she walked. The silver was soft like velvet against her skin. She had never seen anything as beautiful.
Sounds of animals and birds caressed her ears, rustling in the undergrowth and the canopy all around her. Moving branches aside as she continued she was suddenly in a clearing, the ground beneath her feet now cropped grass. Velvet against her skin. She twirled with her arms extended, her skirt flowing away from her legs, her voice in song not able to escape her throat. Dying before being heard. In confusion she looked again at her wrist seeing the planets dark, the stars and suns mere embers of what they were. In the moonlight she lay herself down, the soft grass caressing her face, and closed her eyes. Just before sleep took her she heard a noise at the edge of the clearing.
Her eyes searched the trees, desperate to see who it was. A quiet voice called to her. Deep soft sounds of his voice caressed her ears. She called to tell him she was right here but nothing came out. No voice to match his own. No call to answer his.
"Chakotay?!" She sat up quickly, trying to focus on the human form sitting on the edge of her bed in the semi-darkness.
"No, Captain," said the Doctor, regret clear in his voice. He looked at her with concern. "Would you like to talk about it? I have some counseling sub-routines in my programming that may be of assistance to you."
She lay back down and stared at the ceiling, wishing not for the first time there were cracks, something to distract her mind, to take her imagination away from here. "No, thank you. I don't need to talk about it."
"And that's why the ship is still only traveling at warp one?" He looked down his nose.
"Perhaps you should keep your interests confined to sick bay, Doctor?"
"I can't help it if I hear things. Many people are talking, and I don't mind telling you that. I think you need to know."
"I'll decide what I need to know. Now, when can I get back to the bridge?"
He ran the tricorder over her, accompanied by several clucks and sighs. "Captain, after you have eaten at least two full meals."
The thought of food was incredibly nauseating. And, for some reason, she felt tears start to form. She shut her eyes tightly, but a few escaped even as she breathed deeply to calm herself.
"My orders to eat don't have the same effect as the commander's, do they?" the Doctor asked gently, trying to bring her out of the self-imposed exile. "Captain, please talk to me. You need to. He wouldn't want you to shut yourself away."
At that Kathryn lost all inhibitions. "HE wouldn't care one iota! He's the one who's not here! I am. He's NOT. Now, please leave unless you plan on releasing me." She glared her best glare and felt the satisfied thrill of the victor when the Doctor got up and left her quarters. After the door swooshed shut she closed her eyes again and cried herself back to sleep.
After leaving the captain's quarters the Doctor went in search of Lt. Com. Tuvok. He justified the breach of protocol in this instance, knowing someone needed to understand just how much help was necessary to bring the captain back into command mode. Mr. Tuvok assured him that he would do what he could.
The following day found Tuvok still in command of Voyager. Kathryn managed to get herself out of bed, having given up on the idea of returning to corridor pacing. After a hot shower and a little food, accompanied by a cup of coffee, she began to feel a touch more normal. She stared out the viewports of her quarters, watching the stars streak by slowly, moving the ship ever further and further away. Stars and planets still to explore, to pass on their journey home. Further and further away. The progress was inevitable and necessary, yet each minute that passed felt like a stab to her already hurting heart. Over and over and over. The streaks coming to an abrubt halt barely registered. When it did, she almost felt relief. And more than a little curious.
She tapped her combadge. "Janeway to Engineering."
"Yes, Captain?" It was B'Elanna's voice, neutral, distant.
"Lieutenant, why have we dropped out of warp?"
"I'm not certain. Perhaps Lt. Paris is better informed."
Kathryn couldn't remember when she had last heard B'Elanna refer to her lover by title. "Janeway out," was her only response. On her way to the bridge, Doctor be damned, she pondered only briefly the attitude of her Chief Engineer. Looking too closely at Torres' feelings just caused her heart to ache.
Although stepping down to her command chair didn't do much for her pain either. Not seeing the sturdy, dark haired man sitting in his chair or hers was still difficult. She wondered again how she was ever going to get used to it.
"Tuvok, report," she called out with as firm as voice as she could manage.
"Captain, I was informed that you were under Doctor's orders for rest." Kathryn's oldest colleague bore his eyes into hers, his eyebrow raised.
"Tuvok--"
He interrupted her. "I will need to confer with the Doctor."
To Kathryn's astonishment, Tuvok turned and went into the ready room, the doors shutting firmly behind him. She, of course, followed.
"...is here on the bridge, Doctor. Has she been released from your care?" Tuvok was sitting at the desk speaking over the Emergency Medical Channel on her console.
"She has not, Mr. Tuvok. I will be right there. Doctor out."
"Tuvok." Kathryn made her voice as menacing as she could. She was more angry at that moment, even, than she had been the week before.
Tuvok stood, but stayed behind her desk. "Captain. You have been relieved of duty for a very logical reason. You have not eaten in days and haven't slept for one week."
"I have too slept! I slept yesterday and more last night!" Kathryn immediately felt angry hearing herself defending her sleeping habits. Just then the ready room doors opened to reveal the Doctor looking stern and heading right for her. She held up her hand to stop his progress. "Doctor, not one step closer. I am still your superior officer." Her voice had dropped a decibel or two, a sure sign to others that her anger had reached dangerous proportions even if she was not in charge at that moment. The Doctor stopped dead in his tracks.
"Now, Tuvok," she continued, turning back to the desk. "I will be happy to return to my quarters if you tell me why the ship has dropped out of warp. If you promise to keep me informed."
Tuvok sighed. "Very well, Captain. I have been told that our warp drive is experiencing some undiagnosed difficulties at the moment."
Kathryn was confused. "But B'Elanna told me it was a bridge decision. Which is it?"
"It is an engineering problem."
Kathryn looked closely at her new First Officer but couldn't discern any subterfuge. Vulcans can't lie, she reassured herself. Still, she studied his face, as stony as ever.
"Fine. I'll return to my quarters. No more tricorder!" She directed this at the Doctor. "And I expect a full report every hour until the warp drive is back on-line, understood?"
"Acknowledged," Tuvok answered.
After one more look at both men staring at her, she left the ready room. But instead of returning to her quarters, she headed for engineering.
The hub of the ship had every appearance of being in complete confusion, with crewmembers rushing around, the warp drive silent. B'Elanna had her head together with two others over a work station console, all three tending to talk at once. She turned to meet Kathryn's eyes, as she approached.
"Captain. We're still diagnosing the problem. We'll let Mr. Tuvok know when we have the appropriate information." Again the voice was slightly distant and emotionless. Kathryn studied her for a moment, but was unable to meet her eyes long enough to make true contact.
Kathryn sighed. "Fine, Lieutenant. Carry on." She felt as if she had no choice but to leave them to it.
She didn't hear, of course, B'Elanna call Tom over the comm after she left.
"Tom, she's gone."
"Acknowledged. Paris out."
Kathryn was once more in her quarters. She allowed that, logically, she could use the break from command. The lump in her throat was almost a constant, and her mind often drifted. She had changed into some casual clothes and was sitting in her chair under her favorite throw, attempting to read a book. The words on the page fairly swam in front of her eyes as she reread and reread the same passage. Putting the book aside in disgust she glanced out the viewports. She could have sworn it looked like the ship was turning. Very, very slowly. She grabbed her comm badge on the table, and tapped it with force.
"Janeway to the bridge. Tuvok -- what is our heading?"
"Captain, we are proceeding at slow impulse at the same heading we were."
"So we haven't changed course? We haven't turned in the last fifteen minutes?"
"Our heading is the same."
She looked, again, out the viewports. What she saw before was no longer evident. "What is the status of the warp drive?"
"Apparently confounding the engineering crew. Still no diagnosis, but Lt. Torres assures me all resources are being applied to find the answer."
"Acknowledged. Janeway out."
She watched the stars closely for another ten minutes, but nothing changed. She closed her eyes, allowing the painful pictures to travel slowly across her eyelids but not allowing the emotions to come up. She kept those firmly under control even as her hands and feet chilled from fear. Fear for herself, if she were to admit it.
Tuvok looked around the room to the remaining senior staff. Saw the determination in their eyes, something familiar. Just as years ago.
"Lt. Torres," he said, "how much longer can we assume 'no diagnosis' will be reasonable?"
B'Elanna ran a hand through her hair. "Well, the engineering staff is getting a bit antsy. Embarrassed, but still willing. I'd say from past experience perhaps another hour or so."
"Very well. Now, Lt. Paris, we need to make yet one more turn. Can it be done a bit more slowly than the last attempt?"
Tom sat up straighter. "I'll do my best. Some distraction would be appreciated, though. I can only do so much. If Chakotay were here, he could show me a certain move he perfected in the Maquis. We haven't had any cause to use it up to now, and I had only just started learning it when I left the Liberty. It was a great move..." Tom looked down at the table top for a moment, then met Tuvok's eyes again. "Well, anyway. I'll do what I can, Mr. Tuvok."
"And I am certain that will be sufficient. The Commander would appreciate it, if he were here." Tuvok watched as Tom smiled, first at him, then at B'Elanna. "So," Tuvok continued, "Mr. Neelix, can you provide some sort of distraction?"
"I'll bring her some food. Just tell me when. I'll get her eyes off the viewports. You can count on me." Neelix puffed out his chest.
Tuvok nodded. "Very good. Mr. Kim, keep us informed of her whereabouts. We will commence the action at 11-35 hours, twenty minutes from now. Dismissed."
The crew left the briefing room with a bounce in their step that hadn't been apparent in at least a week.
At 11-30 hours Neelix appeared at Kathryn's door with a tray in hand, and an entirely too cheerful attitude for her taste. However, she allowed him to fuss over her, setting up some lunch on her table. She had to admit that the small vase of flowers from airponics was a lovely sight. And being fussed over wasn't too terrible, even if it was the wrong man doing it. She sat at the dining table eating some concoction of Neelix's, finally convincing him she could handle serving herself without help, without him standing over her left shoulder constantly. For some reason she couldn't fathom, he was reluctant to leave her side. Eventually, however, she was left alone to eat in peace. Peace being the relative thing it was anyway.
After eating she felt unaccountably tired and lay down again on the bed, drifting off almost immediately to sleep.
"Neelix to Commander Tuvok."
"Yes, Mr. Neelix."
"Mr. Vulcan, I was successful. She should sleep for a few hours, according to the Doctor."
"Very good. Tuvok out." After giving two orders, Tuvok watched as Voyager's speed increased to warp five. All things were proceeding logically. Those who were on the bridge breathed a sigh of relief and expectation.
She was in the forest again but this time she had no bracelet on, though she looked more than once at her hand as she walked. Daylight streamed down through the canopy, throwing mottled light on her skirt as it moved with each step. She spread out her hands, to watch the sunbeams dance and play on her skin. The birds sang louder songs this time, and looking up into the treetops she saw bright colors flutter and fly overhead. On and on she walked, deeper into the forest. Watching, smelling, hearing everything around her. A small blue butterfly approached her shoulder. As it landed on a patch of sun on her dress, it rested its wings, soaking up the solar rays, the blue like crystals, like turquoise, like azure, the colors swirling in front of her eyes. Then, as suddenly as it had landed, it left again, becoming a small patch of blue against the green of the leaves, looking for more sun spots to rest in, nectar to eat, a mate, somewhere safe to lay its eggs before it died.
She heard his voice before she heard any other sound he made. He called her name, over and over. When he heard no response, his words became sadder and sadder. As before, her voice was unable to reach him, no matter how hard she tried. Desperation sank in and she spun around in confusion, looking for some sign of his presence. She wanted to run to him. Finally, quietly, he merely said "Kathryn" before silence enveloped her. The quiet was overwhelming. She felt tears streaming down her cheeks. Looking at her chest she watched the stains appear one by one.
"Commander Tuvok," Harry's voice called out on the bridge, "a communication has been received once again."
"Are we at the same coordinates as before?"
"Yes, within a few kilometers." Harry smiled a small smile.
"Very good." Tuvok stood up from the command chair. "Mr. Paris, reduce to impulse, slowest speed possible. Mr. Kim, on screen."
All eyes turned to the viewscreen, where a humanoid male face appeared. Growths with the appearance of fish gills were on his temples, above his ears. He wore a robe of natural fabric over a tunic of the same material, and had a large pendant around his neck.
"Ambassador Link'st," the alien man said in a sharp voice, "to Starship Voyager."
"Mr. Link'st, this is Lieutenant Commander Tuvok of Voyager. I am speaking to you in the Captain's stead. What can you tell us?"
"So you have returned? We noticed your signature heading back in our direction. You are willing to discuss this situation now?"
"I am in command of the ship at the moment. Status?"
The ambassador's eyebrows creased together. "He is not improved despite your Doctor's recommendation, he is perhaps worse. He is of no use to us. No use to my daughter. He continues to call her name. Our doctor believes he may be dying."
The bridge crew darted their eyes to each other at that. Tuvok ignored them.
"We will be in orbit within 12 hours, much sooner if possible. We will be in contact."
Tom turned around, trying to get Tuvok's attention. Tuvok allowed the interruption. Tom said, "Please, ask the ambassador to tell him we're coming."
Tuvok looked to the screen. "Ambassador, did you hear that? Tell the commander we are on our way."
"Very good."
The communications link was closed. Tuvok ordered Tom to proceed at warp seven. The tension on the bridge was almost palpable.
Kathryn once again woke with a start. Her heart was pounding, her clothing stuck to the fine sheen of sweat that bathed her body. Her head was foggy with dream remnants. And something else. She tried to focus her thoughts without much luck. Sitting on the edge of the bed, she took some deep breaths, longing for a cup of strong, really strong, coffee. After a tript to the bathroom, to splash cold water on her face, she made her way toward the replicator. She glanced out the viewports. Her heart began pounding anew as she tapped her combadge.
"Janeway to Tuvok. I see the warp drive is back. What speed are we traveling?"
"Yes, Captain. Lt. Torres was ultimately successful, as per usual. We are moving at warp seven."
Janeway's heart stopped dead in her chest. Then flip-flopped, then pounded harder than before. She had to take a breath before she could respond. "I see. Warp seven. Any reason in particular for the increase in speed?"
"We are approaching some hostile space. It would be wise to traverse it as quickly as possible."
She could think of no response. "Very well, Tuvok. Keep me informed. Janeway out." She tapped her badge with a heavy hand.
The computer chirped its response, and in that moment, Kathryn felt her world completely crumble, no matter how hard she tried to stop it. She stumbled to her chair, all thoughts of coffee gone as she wrapped herself tightly in her throw, her eyes shut to keep the impending flood of tears at bay, if only for just another moment. Just a moment of stillness, she thought. Just let me have that. As quickly as the thought formed in her mind, the tears started to flow. Kathryn collapsed into herself as the pain overwhelmed her.
She cried for some time, occasionally noticing the streaks of stars in front of her, seeing the length of the light, the speed at which the ship passed through them. Her mind was screaming "NO!" but her mouth said nothing.
As her crying subsided, from sheer exhaustion, her brain took over. She thought about how in the hell she had gotten herself, and the ship, and the crew to this point. What had happened. Why he was gone. The fight. If she could even call it that.
The planet and its people had seemed nice enough. Most of the crew had taken shore leave, more than ready to enjoy a beautiful Class M environment. And though the technologies were not compatible, foodstuffs were in great abundance and Voyager was in great need of them. She and Chakotay had begun trade negotiations with the government of the land mass in the northern hemisphere and spent time with the ambassador, his family and other dignitaries. She had noticed, at the time, the Ambassador's daughter taking a shine to Chakotay, but hadn't thought much of it. Many women over the years had done the same. It was almost a joke between them.
So the condition they presented for trade to continue was a total shock to her. And, if she read him correctly, to Chakotay as well. He was the condition. His hand in marriage to Link'st's daughter. That's when all hell broke loose between them. He decided to stay. Voyager got the food it needed. She still had no clear idea of why it had happened.
And when, a few days after saying goodbye to its First Officer, Voyager got a distress call on his behalf, Kathryn ordered the Doctor to give whatever assistance he could before they continued on their journey. She had no choice. Chakotay had made his decision. They had to keep moving. She had to. It was the hardest thing she had ever done, and in some ways the easiest. Her emotions were on such a tight rein by then that nothing could have broken through her reserve, or her resolve. Not even her friend, the man she had relied on for years, the man whom she believed was in love with her, not even he being sick, possibly seriously ill.
Kathryn began to pace again, back and forth, in front of her viewports. Voyager was moving too fast, too fast, further and further away. Too far. Too fast. Clarity hit her square in the chest. She left her quarters quickly, heading straight for the bridge, the early hour of the morning be damned.
"Lt. Paris - all stop," Kathryn barked out the order as she stepped off the turbolift. She didn't notice all eyes turning to her. Her sights were set squarely on the helmsman. "Lt. Paris I am giving you a direct order!" He finally swiveled to face her, when she was standing directly in front of his chair.
"Yes ma'am. All stop." He then looked at Tuvok, behind her. She turned to the command chairs. Tuvok looked at her.
"Captain," he said, "Perhaps it would be best if you were to accompany me to the ready room. I believe we need to talk."
He waited until Kathryn nodded and walked toward the door, then followed at a respectful distance. Once inside, Tuvok motioned her to sit at her desk while he stood at attention in front of her. Kathryn, sitting now in her place of command, felt her heart beating fast again. She studied Tuvok, certain he was about to drop a very big bomb directly into her lap.
"Captain, may I ask why you wanted the ship to come to full stop?"
She didn't even attempt a breath, though her chest was so tight it was hard to move. "Because we are going to return to the Commander. We must. We will."
Tuvok's eyebrows lifted. "Why?"
Kathryn couldn't understand what he was asking of her. "Because I believe he needs us. We should never have left him there, sick." She tapped her badge. "Lt. Paris--"
Tuvok interrupted her. "Captain, we are almost at the planet now. We should be arriving in another hour."
Kathryn felt her heart stop beating, again. And as Tuvok proceeded to explain the situation to her, thoughts of the brig loomed large in her mind. A long stay for the entire senior staff, from the sound of it. She and Tuvok had quite an argument, if one can have an argument with a man who shows no emotions.
Once he finally left the ready room, and she was again alone, she had to face what had happened. The crew had virtually mutinied against her decision to continue on their journey. And done it for Chakotay. They took advantage of her emotional collapse to take matters into their own hands. That hurt her, more deeply than she allowed herself to feel. She wasn't sure how she was going to discipline them. She knew that re-establishing the trust she had forged with them wasn't going to be easy. She wasn't sure she had the energy to try.
In the quiet of her ready room, Kathryn felt more alone than she ever had. Chakotay. She placed her head down on her desk, letting more tears escape her closed lids, and prayers quietly move across her lips. Prayers that they were not too late.
Kathryn and the Doctor materialized in the ambassador's residence, and after a few very long minutes of pleasantries, they were finally shown to the room where Chakotay was being treated. Link'st's daughter, Jac'da, was there by the bedside. Kathryn barely noticed her out of the corner of her eye, as she approached Chakotay's bed quickly. Her throat closed at the sight of him. She was apalled at how bad he looked, his normally golden complexion pale, his cheeks sunken, his eyes closed, his hair damp against his forehead. She sat, grateful for the chair's support. Tears pricked her eyelids, and she clasped his hand in hers, hoping against hope to feel some strength come from his grip.
She was aware that Jac'da and her father were quietly arguing a meter or two behind her, but she ignored them. The Doctor continued to scan and mutter to himself.
"Chakotay," she said, bringing her face close to his, "it's me. It's Kathryn. Can you hear me?" She felt his hand move in her own. "Chakotay?" She finally saw his eyes open. Their eyes locked, but seeing the deep brown irises clouded with fever, she wasn't sure he recognized her.
"Kathryn?" he whispered in a hoarse voice.
She reached out slowly, her fingers quivering, and stroked his very hot cheek as tears hit her own.
"Yes," she said gently, "it's me, really. We've come to take you home."
"Kathryn...need help..." His eyes closed again.
"Captain, we must beam him to sick bay. Now." The Doctor spoke in sotto voce, directly into her ear. She turned to him and nodded her understanding, then rose to approach Link'st and Jac'da.
"Ambassador, we must take him to Voyager, immediately. You can have all of the food, you can have anything I can give you, just don't try and stop us."
"Captain Janeway," Link'st replied, "we won't stop you. However, I do ask that you remain in orbit until he has recovered sufficiently for all of us to discuss what will happen next. For my daughter's sake. Please."
Kathryn couldn't face this right then, so she reluctantly agreed. Anything to get Chakotay to sick bay. She called Harry for the beam up, holding tightly to Chakotay's hand, seeing the look of pain on Jac'da's face as she de-materialized.
"Captain," the Doctor said with irritation, "he is delirious from the fever. Please stand back. Let Mr. Paris and me do our job..."
Slowly, Kathryn let go of Chakotay's tight grip on her hand, stepped away from the biobed. Stepped away from his voice moaning her name, and tried to remove herself emotionally from the situation. She did not achieve success.
The medical team worked swiftly with practiced choreography--the Doctor rushing to the science lab with a sample of Chakotay's blood, while Tom continued watching the monitors, calling out the readings. Chakotay was stable but, in truth, barely holding his own. His fever was too high, and was not responding to the treatments administered so far. His heart was beginning to respond, but unfavorably--to the fever, with arhythmia. His liver function was dangerously low. His body was beginning to give up the fight.
Kathryn returned to his side, unable to stay away from his cries. His pleading for her. She took his hand in hers once more, and spoke in his ear, relieved to see her voice having some effect as he calmed and turned toward her. His eyes were still cloudy and unfocused. She asked him to keep fighting, told him, practically ordered him to, in her desperation. She had a moment of clarity again, knowing that if he died, she would surely die, too.
The Doctor finally came out of the lab and meeting his eyes Kathryn saw a look of triumph on his face. She had never been so happy to see the arrogance.
"Captain, I have discovered the bacteria causing the infection. He's been suffering from a secondary infection, that's why my original treatment was no longer effective. I believe I have something to attack the bacteria."
"Just do it, Doctor," Kathryn said with force.
He pursed his lips at her, but continued to load hyposprays with his new concoction. "It will take at least an hour or two before I can tell what changes have occurred..." He placed the sprays, one by one, against Chakotay's neck and administered the drugs.
Tom and Kathryn both stood vigil. He did some work she was sure was nothing but busy work, while she sat by the biobed and held Chakotay's hand. She was glad for the company.
After the hour had passed, it appeared that the Doctor had been correct. The fever was coming down, the heart had stabilized, and though the liver was still not functioning very well, the Doctor had every belief that he could restore its abilities once the infection was completely gone. Kathryn finally stood up, working out the kinks from her neck and shoulders, not allowing any emotion to come up inside, afraid the damn would burst once again. Chakotay was sleeping. Kathryn asked the Doctor to let her know when he woke up, and left for her quarters It was time to call the ambassador.
"That's right, Ambassador Link'st." Kathryn sighed to herself with fatigue, but kept her command posture, in the chair at her desk. "The Doctor has been successful in treating the infection. It appears that the Commander will recover. His liver will need some repair once he's healthy, but we should be able to take care of that without complications." Kathryn wanted to be doing anything at that moment other than speaking to this man. Her bedroom was mere meters away.
"Thank you, Captain, for the update. I'll let Jac'da know." Link'st looked as if he wanted to say more, his eyes shifting back and forth.
Kathryn sighed, aloud this time. "I realize that a decision needs to be made, but it is the Commander's to make. He is no longer, technically, a part of this crew."
"That appears to be a minor distinction," Link'st said with a purse of his lips. "You do know he called your name continuously once his fever spiked?" The contempt was clear.
She was damned if she would apologize. "He needed a friend. I am his, as are many on this ship."
"Friend, hmph. Is that why you told him you were taking him 'home'?"
Kathryn hadn't realized she'd said that. She could think of no reason to explain anything, and only wanted the conversation to end. "I'll be in touch. As soon as he wakes up and is coherent."
"Very well, Captain. Thank you again." This was said with reluctance.
The communications link ended. Kathryn had the urge to sit at the helm herself and put the ship on a course away from this planet at warp 10. Instead, she tapped opened a ship wide channel and made the announcement of Chakotay's improved condition. She then called Tuvok, arranging a meeting with him in her ready room to discuss the entire situation, with clear heads. At least, a clearer head on her shoulders.
"Kathryn," Chakotay said in a quiet voice, "I think it might be best to drop this for right now." He was sitting on his couch, looking all the worse for wear. He had been released with an almost clean bill of health, in terms of his fever and the infection, both gone. His liver function was almost normal, but he was exhausted on all levels. It was now almost 2100 hours. To him, it felt like a lifetime since he had seen the inside of his quarters, now barren of his personality, and surprisingly, still empty.
Kathryn looked closely at him and saw his exhaustion, knowing he was right--they shouldn't be talking about anything difficult. She simply couldn't stop trying. "I'm sorry Chakotay, it's just that the Ambassador keeps calling me, wanting an answer." In truth, she wanted one, too. Needed it desperately.
"I'll deal with him tomorrow," he said slowly.
"And what about your wife?" She was ashamed as soon as she said it.
Chakotay met her eyes, his almost points of black. He sat up straighter. "What do you care about that?" His voice was low.
"Well, I know it's none of my business." She wanted it to be, however.
"That's correct. None of your business. Never has been. You've never wanted it to be, I should say." The anger came through loud and clear, and the points of black had begun to blaze.
Kathryn didn't know how to respond but felt her own anger begin to match his, no matter how sick he still was. "What the hell do you know about what I want?"
"It's no secret. Your message has been clear."
"Oh really?"
"Yes, really." He paused. "Take Riley Frazier. And me."
Kathryn was stung. She couldn't believe he'd bring that topic up. And now she knew what she had been afraid to think at the time. A lump was forming in her throat. She coughed. "What should I have done? Asked you outright? Oh, Chakotay, did you sleep with Riley, the ex-Borg? Was it good?" She heard her voice rising, as if she were standing and watching all of this from outside her own body.
Chakotay saw the hurt in her eyes and knew he should shut up quickly. But perhaps it was the exhaustion, or the stress of the past week, or the fact that he really just wanted to take Kathryn in his arms and never let her go that prodded him on. He was pissed. At them. Their lack of communication. Lack of honesty. He zeroed in. "Yes, Kathryn. I slept with Riley. And it was good." He watched with horror the effect his words had on her. Tears began to slide down her cheeks just before she turned away from his prying eyes. She stood and walked a few meters away. He stood, too, but stayed where he was. "I'm sorry Kathryn," he said.
Kathryn felt the words hit her back and bounce off. She was stunned, and disgusted at her own reaction. The outright jealousy she felt was overwhelming. And incredibly, deeply, soul-searingly painful. She took some deep breaths and turned to face him. "No need to apologize. Your life is your own. Now more than ever. I have no rights where you are concerned." She tried to make it sound light, but knew, somewhere deep inside, that she was failing.
Chakotay wanted to shake her. "Damn it Kathryn! How can you say that? Can't you at least be honest, just this once?"
"Honest about what? Which part? What difference would it make?" Her voice was rising again.
"Honest about how I just hurt you. It hurts you to think of me with anyone else. You don't want me to be intimate with others and you don't want me to be intimate with you."
"What the hell do you know about what I want?"
"You were quite willing to let me leave this ship, let me go for good. You didn't even bat an eye! How am I supposed to interpret that?! And now you make some rude comment about Jac'da! Tell me how I'm supposed to understand what the hell you want."
"I was willing to let you go? Who the hell was willing to leave in the first place?! Who left? Wasn't me! I'm still here!"
"So again I ask you - WHAT the hell do you want Kathryn?!" Chakotay didn't think he could feel any angrier or more frustrated with her than at that moment. "And don't start with that bullshit about me leaving. You practically threw me out! Voyager needed food. You didn't need me and never have. No one does."
"That's the bullshit! Of course I need you! I need you desperately! We all do!" Kathryn was so angry she didn't care any more what she let come out of her mouth.
"Since when do you need me?!"
"You idiot! I've always needed you!"
"HOW do you need me?!"
"What do you mean HOW? Like a person needs another person!" She wanted to throttle him.
"I mean as an officer? A friend? Or as a woman needs a man?!" He was practically shouting by now.
"The LATTER, you big jerk! I LOVE YOU, DAMN IT!" She was yelling and looking around for a weapon to use against him. Preferably something sharp.
Chakotay's pounding heart slowed, his lack of breath made it difficult to talk. He said quietly, "I love you, too, Kathryn."
Kathryn spun around. Chakotay was standing with his hands on his hips, his breathing labored, a slow smile spreading across his features.
Chakotay watched as Kathryn's face registered what had just happened. Her eyes widened, her mouth opened to say something else, but nothing came out, and her hand came up to cover it. Her cheeks were flushed from exertion and her chest was heaving. He thought she had never looked so beautiful. Again he zeroed in, though this time it was strictly physical. He closed the space between them as rapidly as his weak legs would let him, put his arms around her, and pulled her close. He felt her resist, slightly at first, then completely give in to the embrace, wrapping her arms around his chest. He sighed, long and deep.
"Kathryn...that's all I needed to know. If I had heard only one part of that when I was trying to figure out what to do I never ever would have left. Don't you know that?"
She turned her face to the center of his chest and inhaled. Uniquely him. In her arms. "It didn't seem like you did much figuring at all. All you had to say was that you weren't sure what to do and didn't really want to go."
"Well, we're a pair, aren't we?" He kissed the top of her head.
"A pair of idiots from the looks of it. How we ever got charge of a Starship..." She chuckled, suddenly giddy. After a moment, she took a breath in preparation. "Chakotay?"
"What?"
"You honestly still love me? After all this time?"
"Yes, I honestly do. Did you mean it when you said you loved me?"
"I did. I do." She sighed.
"Well then. We have some decisions to finalize." He bent his head to kiss her temple. Did it again, and again. His lips had a will of their own.
Kathryn pulled her head back to look up at him. She met his eyes, and knew she had finally finally come home. She pulled back from the embrace, just enough to put her arms around his neck, never breaking the eye contact. With one hand on the back of his head, she drew his mouth to hers. Chakotay needed little encouragement.
Their lips met softly, tenderly, the first kisses slow and exploratory. The longing expressed itself quickly though, and soon the kisses were becoming deeply passionate, their mouths locking together ever more tightly, their tongues tasting everything they could reach, their breaths getting short and hot. They began to sway as legs refused to hold them upright. They both pulled back. Kathryn could see that Chakotay needed to be in bed. She took his hand and led him to his bedroom, intending to say good night and let him get some rest.
Chakotay knew what she was thinking, but refused to let her even consider leaving. Agreeing that he needed to sleep he elicited a promise from her that she'd stay the night with him, just to sleep together, just to be close, just to know that they'd still be next to one another in the morning. That this wasn't all a dream. After promising, she suggested they go to her quarters, where the replicator was functional and amenities abounded. They walked hand in hand next door and headed straight for the bedroom. They curled up together after undressing, and let exhaustion take them both.
The following morning found Kathryn and Chakotay entwined together, arms and legs wrapped around each other, blissful as they drowsed and tried to wake up. The world outside the viewports forgotten, promises made and broken forgotten, illness and near death experiences also forgotten. Hands touched and caressed as skin was explored with both wonder and amusement at long lost ticklish spots now found. Hands that worked their way under what little clothing there was, pulling and tugging to remove fabric that now only acted as a barrier. And as skin never before seen was revealed and caressed and embraced, they began to move together on the mattress. Rolling back and forth, mouths meeting with finally released passion, arms and legs writhing together. They made love, with hands and mouths, until they could stand no more, and Chakotay entered Kathryn fully, to the hilt. The sensation of their joining was completely overwhelming for them both. And when he began his long stroking in and out of her, she moved with him, her mouth kissing his passionately, their souls meeting somewhere in the middle. They climaxed, one after the other, their shockwaves merging together. Their responsibilities to the ship followed everything else--forgotten, ignored, as bliss overtook them and sleep returned.
Kathryn woke up to the sound of Harry's voice calling her over the comm. The ambassador wanted to speak to her. Or Chakotay, if she happened to know where he was. She smiled at the man sleeping next to her and told Harry she'd take care of it.
She stole a few moments before rising to simply watch Chakotay sleep, marvelling at how he had ended up in her bed. Marvelling that he was alive. And back. Whatever spirits had forced her to admit her feelings to him had her undying gratitude. She also knew they had a long road ahead of them. The ambassador and the hornet's nest he represented was just one obstacle. The crew was another. With how she had concluded they felt about her at the moment, she couldn't imagine any support for a relationship with Chakotay. The man they had risked everything for. They had to talk about this, and soon. He had to know what they had done.
She reluctantly got out of bed and threw a gown and robe on. After taking the time to replicate a cup of coffee, she finally initialized communication with the planet.
"Ambassador," she said to him with a smile, "I'll have the Commander contact you as soon as possible." Kathryn was sitting at the desk in her main room trying to speak quietly.
"Captain I don't mean to be a pest, but my daughter is very distraught this morning. She hasn't been able to talk to her mate since you took him away."
Kathryn loathed the ambassador and his daughter at that moment. She stifled the urge to wake up Chakotay, and drag his naked self to the console. "Look, I'm sorry that your daughter is upset. Reassure her that Commander Chakotay is well and healthy this morning." She looked up to see the man in question entering the room with just a shirt on, running his hand through his hair. He motioned for her to move out of the chair but she shook her head.
"Captain?" the ambassador's voice brought her attention back to the console. "Is there something wrong?"
"No Mr. Link'st." Chakotay got more insistent, and when she continued to refuse he came up behind her.
The ambassador made a sputtering noise upon seeing him. "And what is the meaning of this, Mr. Chakotay?!"
Chakotay said calmly, "Tell Jac'da I will be down to the planet later on this morning. I'll see her then."
"You don't intend to answer my question?"
"This is none of your business. I'll be in touch." Chakotay tapped the console to end the transmission. He bent over and began to kiss Kathryn's neck. "The man's an ass. Now where were we when we fell asleep..." He ran his hands down her arms as he continued the soft kisses on her neck and cheek.
Kathryn was starting to melt into the chair from his caresses, and forced herself back to reality. "Chakotay..."
"Hm-m-m?"
"We need to talk. I need to talk. About your mate. And about some other things, too. Like how we ended up back here at the planet...what the crew did for you. You need to know, especially after your comment last night. Implying the crew doesn't need you or care about you."
Chakotay let out a deep sigh. "Okay, what do you want to know about Jac'da? Or do you want me to guess? Like have I slept with her?" He came around in front of Kathryn, taking her hands and pulling her to her feet. Their eyes locked.
Kathryn had a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach, sure of what he would say and not wanting to hear it, hear the words come out of his mouth.
"Well, Kathryn, do you want to know?" He wanted her to ask, to want honesty between them. He also knew she was afraid, though she'd never admit it.
"Okay, yes, I want to know." She looked at him defiantly, daring him to hurt her.
"No, I haven't. Initially by my choice, then I got so sick the issue never came up again. Besides, I was suffering from a broken heart when I got down there and the thought of sex turned my stomach. So, you feel better now?"
"That I caused you to have that kind of reaction to sex? I'm not sure."
"Kathryn, my love, can we please go back to bed now--I'll prove to you again that I find making love--with you--extraordinary."
He was looking at her with such yearning and love that she almost gave in. "Chakotay, I promised the Doctor that you would do three things. Eat. Drink lots of fluids. Rest. I don't think making love qualifies for any of those--" She smiled. "At least not in a nutritional sense anyway. Besides, we still need to talk about Voyager."
"That topic is a serious one, isn't it? I can see it in your eyes." His yearning was now concern.
"Yes. Very serious."
"So does this mean that I'm reinstated as the First Officer? Or are you wanting to talk to just your lover now?"
Kathryn felt a thrill both in her heart and between her legs hearing him say that. "You--if you would like the job back, it's yours, without question. And I'd like to talk to both my First Officer and my lover please. There is no longer a distinction, in my mind anyway."
The smile that graced Chakotay's face was one that Kathryn thought she would never forget. Both dimples, eyes alight. He held out his hand which she took. "Here I am, Kathryn. Let's make some breakfast. And talk."
The entire senior staff, plus Neelix and Seven, were gathered in the briefing room. Kathryn, as usual, sat at the head of the table. Chakotay, though not in uniform, sat to her left and Tuvok sat to her right. Though there had been lots of back slapping and hand shaking on the crew's part when greeting their returning First Officer, the tension in the room now was high.
Kathryn looked around at the faces of her colleagues, seeing the distance in their eyes as they met hers, and feeling the slight mistrust that ate at her core. She took a deep breath. "I would like to start by saying that I am very grateful that Commander Chakotay has agreed to return to us and to his position as our First Officer. And, of course, grateful that he is once again healthy. We owe a debt of gratitude to the Doctor and to Tom for that."
A small smile crossed Tom's face as his friends nodded, Chakotay included.
"Now the reason the commander is not in uniform is that he must return to the planet to pick up his personal items, and to let the ambassador and his daughter know of his decision. Civilian clothing might make that an easier transition for them. Less threatening. When this meeting is finished, he will be asking for two volunteers to accompany him planetside this morning.
"Along with the personal ramifications of his decision to return are the trade negotiations we entered into a week ago. I have offered to re-negotiate, to give back whatever food we have left, to give them whatever we can reasonably spare, so that we are not reneging. Well, we are reneging," she said, allowing a smile to show, "but the agreement should never have been made in the first place. I'll get to that in a moment. So, B'Elanna, would you please prepare a report on whatever spare parts we have that we could, if forced to, do without for awhile? Parts that I can offer to them? I know our technologies are not compatible, but perhaps something will come to you. And Neelix, I'll need a complete inventory of what we received and what's left. And if anyone has any ideas for myself and the Commander in this regard, please put them forward.
"Now. The Commander and I, together, feel that you deserve an explanation of what happened. Why he was willing to go. Why I made the decisions I did." Kathryn paused to look at everyone. She really didn't want to do this but as her eyes made their way around the table, finally resting on Chakotay, she knew she had to. He nodded to her almost imperceptibly. She took another breath. "The Commander and I... we allowed some personal feelings to interfere with a decision that affected all of you, and us. He left because I didn't stop him and he was hurt. I didn't stop him because he didn't ask me to and I was hurt. Quite simple." She looked around again, surprised at the looks of confusion on their faces.
Tom raised his finger. She acknowledged him. "Captain, Commander, excuse me, but permission to speak freely?" Kathryn sighed and agreed. Chakotay nodded. "Okay. At the risk of being blunt and ending up in the brig, I think perhaps I can add something here. Something important." He looked around at his friends. "They're in love with each other. They are both stubborn as hell. He left because she wouldn't admit it. She didn't admit it because he told her he was leaving." Everyone nodded to him with smiles of comprehension. "So I would hazard a guess that's why the captain had her... difficulties... as we got further and further away from the planet. And because she was hurt that's why she decided to leave him behind, even sick. Does that make sense to you all? Because I know what I saw in sick bay--"
Kathryn interrupted him at that point. "Lt. Paris, that will be enough. Thank you very much for your assistance." She glanced at Chakotay, who was grinning and trying not to laugh. "Commander, do you have anything to add?"
He coughed. "No, Captain, I think Tom has clarified things just fine. Well, maybe one thing." He too looked at his friends around the table and grinned again. "It's all true. I love her to pieces. She loves me too. We're very happy."
At that everyone began to talk at once, getting up from the table to come over to both of them, giving congratulations, the meeting disintegrating into a chaos Kathryn was quite willing to let happen. She accepted the good wishes and even allowed a tear or two to form, but not fall, as Chakotay clutched her hand tightly amidst their friends. She knew the mutiny issues would be dealt with tomorrow, when things had calmed down some. And, more importantly, she knew they would be easier to resolve now.
The door to Chakotay's quarters chimed, and he gave the order to open. In walked Kathryn, dressed in casual clothes, a blue tunic blouse over off-white leggings. Chakotay's breath caught in his throat as she walked up to him. He was astounded anew that they had arrived at this place, and he certainly didn't think he could be any happier.
"Before you start unpacking your things I think we should talk." She looked serious.
His heart pounding, he managed an affirmative response and led her to his couch. "What's wrong?"
She smiled into his eyes. "Nothing's wrong. I just think we should talk about living arrangements. Seeing as how you're all packed up--"
"Living arrangements?" He wasn't sure what, precisely, she was saying.
"Yes, you know. Where one puts their things, sleeps, showers, eats--living arrangements."
"Okay," he answered slowly, "So talk."
"Well... my place is bigger."
"And, so--"
She pursed her lips at him. "So you should move in there. It makes more sense."
"So you're asking me to move in with you."
"Don't you want to?"
Chakotay sighed. He could see years ahead of him, trying to have clear communication with this stubborn woman. This stubborn, passionate, smart, beautiful, strong, sexy woman... He felt a laugh coming up from deep inside. With great effort, he kept it at bay. "Kathryn. Let's start over. Ask me."
She glared. Then relented. "Chakotay, would you consider moving in together?"
"Yes, Kathryn, I would consider it. I would love to live with you. How do you see it happening? Because I have some needs that perhaps one cabin wouldn't necessarily accomodate."
"Oh. Well, I would like it to happen. I don't want to be separated from you again. So one cabin wouldn't do it?"
He smiled softly. "I'm not sure. I need some private space, a place to meditate, to paint, to be on my own. Space to work away from my office. Even though your main room is large it's still just one room."
Her eyebrows knitted. "That makes sense." She smiled. "Okay, how about this. Let's talk to B'Elanna in the morning and see if this cabin can be joined with mine? Make a door? As long as you agree to sleep with me every night and eat with me whenever we can--"
Chakotay leaned toward her and stopped her words with a gentle, heated kiss. "Agreed, Kathryn. Now, let's go to the mess hall and have some dinner. Then we'll come back and go to bed and make love all night if we want. And discuss some details." He stood and put out his hand. She took it and they headed out the door.
"Details?" she asked.
"Yes, like the fact that they won't be your quarters, as in 'the captain's quarters'..." They were almost to the turbolift.
"No I guess they won't..." She looked pensive. The lift doors opened and they got inside.
"They will be our quarters," he said, smiling down at her. "There's a big difference."
"I think I like that difference." She smiled in return.
"I think I do, too."
Their eyes locked.
The End.