Every day it happens.
Rachel Berry walks down the hall, and someone - normally someone from one of the many prestigious sports teams in the school - throws a slushie in her face. She's gotten to the point where the slushies don't even bother her anymore, and she considers the jocks that throw them to be cretins who are far beneath her. It's just that that every single day, she has to towel herself off in front of the mirror and see how the food colouring dyes her hair a disgusting colour, and drips down between her eyes, and ruins her sweaters and sometimes even her skirts. The most hurtful part of it comes when she struggles to wash the stickiness from her skin and rid herself of the icy coldness. It is then that she fully believes she's never going to be good enough for anyone that matters. That she's low enough, and ugly enough, for this to happen every single day.
That hurts.
The thing is, Rachel believes she's pretty – just not pretty enough. Her nose is depressingly big and bulbous, in her opinion. She wishes she looked more like dainty Quinn Fabray, whose delicate nose and tiny features make her much more pretty in everyone's opinion. Though it doesn't seem fair, and Rachel certainly doesn't want to change her whole appearance, she wishes for once she could feel pretty and not be reminded every day that she just doesn't measure up.
She wipes the slushie from her eyes again and isn't surprised to also see tears diluting the garish colouring. The thing about slushies is that they mask your true feelings, because it's too cold to think of anything else and the colouring obscures any other emotion.
For that, Rachel is grudgingly grateful.
/~/
Every day it happens.
Quinn Fabray, Queen Bee of William McKinley High, has to watch that stupid troll Rachel Berry try to seduce HERS, Quinn's, boyfriend in the choir room every single day. Finn chose her, and she isn't sure why she has to watch him flirting and simpering with that annoying, shrill girl. It's not even like she's pretty.
Quinn knows she's beautiful – she's made sure of it and also made sure everyone knows how pretty she is – but the way that Finn entertains Rachel's efforts to seduce him and leads her on makes her feel, well, unpretty. There are so many pressures on her, anyway – now she has to fight to keep her boyfriend? Isn't her toned, beautiful body without any trace of pregnancy left, her perfectly-coloured blonde hair, her perfect skin enough?
Finn doesn't make her feel like it is, and well – that hurts.
Quinn, inside, does not believe she's good enough for anyone, but she would never voice those thoughts. To the outside world, she is perfect. She wishes she could believe she's perfect, too, but the fact is, she can't. There's always room for improvement, always something else to change. She's no stranger to plastic surgery and she fully expects to look exactly like her beauty-queen mother in 20 years – toned, perfect, and plastic. After all, it's what's expected of her.
She forgets that Finn likes natural girls until he reminds her one day when she's looking at a beauty magazine longingly, but when she looks at Rachel, she still can't see the attraction. Rachel is too natural. She never modifies or improves on anything. Why is this better than Quinn's constant striving for perfection?
Quinn watches Rachel laugh with Finn again and she turns away, lowering her hazel eyes to keep the tears from showing and the jealousy from bleeding through. Thankfully, being perfect also means having tear ducts that are wired not to show emotion.
/~/
When Rachel approaches Quinn for a solo, Quinn's first instinct is to say no, and so she does.
"No, man hands. I'm not interested in singing with you." She says this for the benefit of Santana and Brittany, who are right behind her, and they dutifully titter with silvery laughter, rewarding Quinn's cheap shot at Rachel.
Rachel rolls her eyes. "Enough. I asked because I have a good idea for a solo, and due to our history, it might be interesting to see what we can do with it."
Quinn is actually interested in this sentiment – Rachel had asked her to pose for a nose job sketch, and she was only too happy to show Rachel exactly how much better she could look if she was Quinn. But that's as far as she wanted to take this new relationship with Rachel. She doesn't want to be friends with the girl Finn can't keep his mind off of, despite Rachel's support through Quinn's pregnancy and afterwards, when she had those horrible feelings of loss after Beth's adoption.
Quinn realizes this is extremely unfair . . . but she has standards to maintain.
Rachel, however, barrels on, oblivious to Quinn's inner turmoil. "Have you heard the TLC song 'Unpretty'? Your voice would be so good for it, and paired with 'I Feel Pretty' from iWest Side Story/i – "
"Whoa." Quinn holds up a hand, and Rachel's fast, tumbling chatter comes to a stop. "Just a second, Rachel. I'm not interested in singing anything with you, let alone an early 90s overplayed song that talks about how unpretty someone is. Do I look like I represent that to you?"
Santana leans forward, a smirk upon her face. "Well, after the pregnancy – "
Quinn raises a hand to Santana. "Shut up. No one is interested."
Santana looks as if she has more to say, but Quinn turns away from her. "Anyway, as I was saying, Rachel, I think you have the wrong person for this little concept mash-up duet of yours. Not interested."
Rachel shrugs. "Okay. You were complaining the other day that you felt you didn't get enough recognition in the Glee club. I thought you'd appreciate the chance to sing with the star, as it were."
Immediately Santana's eyebrows shoot up, and she begins to laugh, but Quinn actually considers Rachel for a moment and has to admit Rachel is right about the recognition. And anyway, she isn't going to regain Finn's attention by swaying in the background and adding harmony. She needs to be front and centre – enough to actually make him notice her. Quinn looks thoughtful.
"Okay. We'll meet privately to discuss this later. You do have a point." She studies her nails for a moment, and then looks up, her face hard.
"This doesn't mean we're friends. I don't want to hear about anything but the duet. Got it?"
Rachel just looks annoyed. "That's why I approached you. For the duet, nothing else."
"Good." The two girls stare at each other for a moment and then Rachel leaves to talk with Finn. Quinn can't keep the jealousy off her face.
Santana watches her, then comments drily, "Yeah, it's not going to work, Quinn. Give it up. He's in love with her, no matter what he says. You two are ridiculous, like cats in heat."
Quinn doesn't respond, but when she gets up, she kicks Santana's backpack off the riser accidentally-on-purpose.
"Oops. Sorry," she apologizes sweetly.
Santana just glares.
/~/
Rachel's waiting for Quinn beside the piano the next day in the auditorium. She's not sure why she wanted to do this. She thinks that it might in the hopes of Finn seeing her catering to his girlfriend. Maybe if that happens, he'll stop calling her selfish all the time. While Rachel is in fact a selfish person, she still doesn't want other people to think that. Anyway, it's not selfish to want to help someone, right? Even if that help is for the greater good . . . well, Rachel's good, in this case?
Rachel suddenly looks up to see Brad the pianist looking at her quizzically. She must have been muttering out loud. "Never mind," she tells him, and he goes back to warming up with scales.
Quinn arrives, looking bored and annoyed at being five minutes late. "Sorry. Couldn't get away from Brittany and her stories about her cat."
"No problem." Rachel passes Quinn two copies of the sheet music, one for "I Feel Pretty" and one for "Unpretty."
"It will be better to learn the songs first before we try to mash them up. I don't know how you are with harmony, but I've taken several classes on the subject and I think with some work, we can make a passable mash-up that will actually sound good. Of course, it won't be professional, but we can still –"
Quinn looks at Rachel, annoyed. "Okay, Rachel. Enough."
Rachel winces at Quinn's nasal, slightly shrill command and waves at Brad. "Let's start with the first song."
They run through "Unpretty", and by the end, Rachel is feeling the effects of trying to sing with a vocalist notably weaker than herself. Quinn is reedy on some of the notes and very weak in her breathing. Rachel will have a lot of work to do.
She's about to start lecturing Quinn on some breathing exercises to start doing in her spare time when she notices Quinn is standing off to the side, looking at the floor, the sheet music on the polished top of the piano where she was standing five minutes ago.
"Quinn?"
"I've had enough for today," comes the answer. "Go away now, Rachel." Quinn's tone isn't mean, but Rachel feels stung. She knows she's been in working mode, but doesn't Quinn want it to sound good, too?
She's about to ask as much when Quinn abruptly leaves the auditorium. Okay, then.
Rachel's gathering up her music when Brad shuts the sleeve of the piano over the keyboard. "I don't know if this will work, Rach," he says. "She doesn't seem that interested, and you've picked songs that are going to be terrifically hard to mash up."
Rachel glares at him. "You can do anything if you keep your eyes on the prize," she replies primly, and he shrugs.
"Have it your way. You always do."
Rachel looks determined. "Yes, I always do."
/~/
Quinn is sitting in the field, watching the football team practice a few days later, when Rachel comes to sit beside her.
"We didn't decide on another time to practice."
Quinn shrugs. "My schedule is pretty open. Just decide when you want to practice again."
Though her answer is adequate, Rachel looks frustrated, and Quinn turns to her in exasperation. "What, Rachel? Why are you hanging around? I already said I'd practice with you again, so go away. Now."
"Why do you always order me away like I'm an annoying little puppy or something?" Rachel turns away from Quinn, looking at the football field, watching Finn intercept a pass from one of the other players and take off towards the farthest goal post.
"You're watching him." Quinn puts it out there, though her voice isn't accusing. Rachel blushes, anyway.
"I like to watch him play. He's so awkward in Glee, but here, he knows exactly what he's doing."
"He's the only one," mutters Quinn, and Rachel sighs.
"Look, if you don't want to do the duet – "
"I don't care about the duet!" Quinn stands up. "I'm sick of you idealizing me! You want to be like me, you want to hang around with me, and you want to sing with me. You were nice to me, Rachel, but we're not friends. And I'm not perfect," she spits.
Rachel just looks hurt. She gets up, too.
"I don't idealize you. I think you're pretty, yes, and I wanted to do this to help you – "
"Oh, you did not! Cut the crap, Rachel. You did this to get Finn's attention, again. You're not going to get him back, okay? He's with me. He loves me. Stop trying so hard to be the perfect girlfriend, to be like me. He isn't interested. He chose me, okay?" Quinn's voice is shrill and desperate, and she feels like her control over this conversation is totally slipping away.
Rachel, instead of looking upset, just looks knowing. "Who are you really trying to convince, Quinn? Me, or you?"
She picks up her bag and strolls off in the opposite direction down the field, leaving Quinn standing beside the outer white lines of the field.
Quinn can't tell if she's angry at Rachel or angry at herself, but she channels the anger into roughly scrubbing at her suddenly wet cheeks.
Why does this girl aggravate her so much?
/~/
They don't practice for another week, but it's Quinn who initiates the next rehearsal. She grabs Rachel roughly out of the crowd in the hallway outside of the Biology classroom a few days before they meet again.
"I want to practice this song. Maybe you're right. Maybe there is something in it, and anyway, you're a good enough singer that you can spend some time helping me. After all, you owe me for not kicking your ass the last time you tried to steal my boyfriend."
Rachel doesn't look fazed, which annoys Quinn. She is way too willing to let things slide, quite unlike the Rachel Berry of old.
"Okay. Come on Wednesday – we both have a free study hall period then. They won't care if we're working on stuff for Glee."
"Fine." Quinn lets Rachel's sweater go, looking amused at the noticeable wrinkle in the fabric. Rachel simply smoothes it out and walks away.
Sometimes Quinn doesn't know if she wants to smack Rachel or kiss her for being so blasé about everything. It's a lesson Quinn knows she could learn, and is annoyed at Rachel for learning it so well in such a short time.
They stand out front of the piano this time, because, according to Rachel, "it's best if you can hear your voice fill the auditorium. It'll help you modulate the sound of it and work on when to breathe."
Quinn doesn't say anything – she just sings.
They spend a hard hour singing nonstop before Brad gets up from the piano.
"Sorry, ladies. The jazz band needs me."
"Thanks, Brad," Rachel calls distractedly over her shoulder and then stands behind Quinn. "You want to breathe at every break in the phrase. Like this. One, two, three, breathe," she counts, placing her hands on Quinn's sides and squeezing gently at the "breathe" part of her sentence. Quinn isn't as annoyed as she thought she'd be – this is actually helping, and Rachel's touch is gentle, not rough as Quinn normally is with her.
They breathe a few times, Rachel squeezing Quinn, and then they stop. Rachel doesn't take her hands away, but she keeps talking.
"So, it's relatively easy. You can breathe that way, or just remember that the break of a phrase is a natural place to breathe anyway, like reading. You'd take a breath at a period."
"Uh-huh." Quinn isn't interested. She's rather focused on Rachel's hands still on her waist and she finds herself wondering what it would be like to hug Rachel. She's never done it before, but Rachel has a very easy way about her and she's strangely touchy-feely. As soon as the thought comes, Quinn pushes it out of her head. It's not like that would help anything. Rachel would think she'd had a change of heart and wanted to be friends or something.
Rachel finally takes her hands from Quinn and Quinn feels a sense of loss. "Anyway, work on that. The bell's about to go."
"Okay." Quinn normally doesn't thank Rachel for her help, but today is different. She's feeling softer, more thoughtful today. "Thanks, Rachel."
It's a simple thing, but Rachel's face brightens, and Quinn realizes that the girl gives a lot that she never gets any gratitude for. Rachel gives Quinn a bright smile, and Quinn notices for the first time how pretty Rachel really can be when she's happy. She feels slightly bad that she's never done anything before to cause Rachel to smile like that.
"No problem. Thanks for setting it up."
Quinn is about to leave when she turns back. "Friday, okay? Let's continue this."
Rachel looks a bit surprised, but she nods. "Fine, four o'clock. I think Brad is free then, but if not, we'll just do it acapella."
She starts to gather her sheet music up and Quinn stalks out of the auditorium, towards the back doors. She feels conflicted. There are too many weird things happening right now, the change in her feelings for Rachel Berry included.
/~/
On Friday, Rachel arrives early at the auditorium, but Quinn doesn't actually come until half an hour later. When she walks in, she's in tears, and Rachel stops talking to Brad about the latest Broadway shows she plans to see on her not-yet-planned trip to New York City and looks down in amazement at Quinn.
"Quinn! What's wrong? Are you all right?" Rachel hops nimbly off the stage to meet Quinn halfway down the aisle.
"No," chokes Quinn, sounding more nasal than usual through her tears. She thrusts a poster at Rachel. "These are all over the school."
The full-colour poster is something that someone probably whipped up in art class – there are some stars and moons and other things stamped in a frame around a large picture of a chubby girl with glasses, a crooked, bulbous nose and a smile filled with crooked teeth. Underneath, the caption reads, "Vote Lucy Caboosey for prom queen!"
Rachel is confused for a second until she looks at the girl in the picture more closely. The hazel eyes sparkling in the photograph are the same ones that belong to the crying girl in front of her. Rachel's mouth drops open.
"Is this YOU?"
Quinn bursts into fresh tears, and Rachel continues to stare in amazement at the photograph until she shakes her head and remembers her vow not to be selfish or callous. She focuses on Quinn.
"But why does it say your name is Lucy? But I've known you since freshman year. You've never looked like this, and you said your name was Quinn the first day we were in homeroom together."
"Lucy is my first name," sniffles Quinn. "And this is my middle school picture from eighth grade. I was chubby, I had glasses, and my teeth were crooked. I got a nose job in the summer between middle school and high school, and I wore Invisalign braces until last year. I wear contacts now. I lost weight over eighth grade and the following summer." She chuckles a little. "I ate mostly lettuce and celery that year, and exercised constantly. My mom wanted me to join the cheerleading squad when I got here, and I made it halfway through freshman year, at the January tryouts."
Rachel is still confused. "But why the name change? Why did you do all of those things?"
Quinn starts to look annoyed, wiping tears away impatiently. "You really don't get it? You, of all people, who asked me to pose for a nose job sketch for you so that you would get the perfect nose? I was made fun of, Rachel. I was followed home, I was pelted with rocks, and I was called 'Lucy Caboosey'." She looks at Rachel with burning eyes.
"I wasn't going to let it continue here. We moved here from out of town so that I didn't have to go through the same hell that I went through in middle school. I was going to be Quinn Fabray, popular girl, not Lucy Caboosey, the fat, ugly girl."
Rachel just stares at her, and then has to snap herself out of it when Quinn stands up to leave. "Wait!" she cries, and Quinn stops to turn to her. "All this time and you made fun of me, you posted things about me on the Internet, you made sure I got slushied everyday? If you knew so well what it was to be teased and tormented, why did you perpetrate it? Why did you do it to me? I've never done anything to you."
Quinn has the good grace to look ashamed, but she holds her ground. "Because there are two sides to this, Rachel. The side that torments and the side that's tormented. I've been on the tormented side too long. And you were too easy to torment," she admits. "You took the bait every time."
"I tried to defend myself!" Rachel is about to launch into a diatribe, but she notices Brad out of the corner of her eye and waves at him. "Brad, go home. This is going to take awhile."
He leaves out the back door after waving at the girls and then Rachel turns back to Quinn, her face soft.
"I guess I get it, to some degree. It's eat or be eaten."
"And now this is all over the school. I'll be made fun of, tortured again." There's real fear in Quinn's eyes, and Rachel puts a hand on her shoulder.
"So? What if you are? Does it make a difference to who you are now? You're still popular. You still date the quarterback of the football team. And you've been through worse. Is it going to really affect you after last year and the pregnancy?"
Quinn doesn't shrug Rachel's hand off, and Rachel decides to go a step further and try to hug Quinn. She reaches out her arms and clasps the girl to her, briefly, expecting to be pushed away at best and punched at worst.
Quinn, however, leans into the hug, and her arms go around Rachel, as well. Rachel smells flowery perfume and the scent of Quinn's expensive shampoo, and she has to resist laying her head on the girl's shoulder. For some reason, this feels very right, and Rachel isn't sure why. Maybe it's that Quinn needs her right now, and she hasn't told anyone else her story.
Rachel lets go first, but Quinn hugs her for a moment more before letting go, as well.
"Thanks, Rachel. I needed that." Matter-of-fact as always, Quinn stands up to leave. "I suppose you're happy this all happened."
"No, actually. I don't believe in schadenfreude."
Quinn looks surprised, and she looks down at Rachel, then replies honestly. "I'd probably be glad if it happened to you. I know it's mean, but I would have been, especially if it ruined your chances with Finn."
Rachel just shrugs. "He chose you. I don't have a chance with him anymore. And either way, Quinn, there's no point in being mean. It doesn't get you anything but a sour expression and a sore stomach." That's something her dads say, but she isn't about to tell Quinn that. She realizes that by even voicing it, she already sounds lame.
Quinn pats Rachel's shoulder, suddenly. "Thanks for being nice, Rachel. Even if the only reason you're doing it is to get Finn back."
Rachel actually feels surprised at that. She hasn't thought much about Finn for the past two weeks. Quinn is all-encompassing in herself, and Rachel realizes she's actually taking pleasure out of being with her.
"No, that's not my goal with this. I'd like to do a mash-up that will really rock the Glee club's socks off. Maybe then you'll get a solo at Nationals, and I'll have done something unselfish, for a change."
Quinn looks pleased. "Well, let's try again at your house tomorrow. Sorry I ruined practice."
Rachel smiles. "Tomorrow it is."
/~/
Quinn hasn't ever been to Rachel's house before and she's actually rather impressed when she gets there. The Berrys live in a split-level house that's almost big enough to be a mansion, or what passes for one in Lima, and it's not far from her own house in the same neighbourhood. Quinn feels a pang of regret that she never knew Rachel lived so close. Maybe, before all this high school crap happened, they could have been friends.
Then she starts to feel strange because she sort of wants to be friends with Rachel Berry.
Rachel opens the door after Quinn rings the church bell-style doorbell. She's wearing casual clothes today, jeans, a striped red shirt and a matching hoodie, and her hair is down, the bangs pinned back. She looks surprisingly adorable, and Quinn can't help smiling at her.
"You should really wear jeans more often." It's not even that Rachel looks cute in jeans – though she does – it's that they really accentuate what curves she has. Quinn finds herself looking appreciatively at the curve of Rachel's bottom and at her legs before she wonders what's wrong with her and enters the house as Rachel holds the door wider.
"Hey, Quinn. I had Brad make us a practice tape to work with, since I'm not going to make him come to my house on a weekend. That'd be weird."
"Yeah," agrees Quinn, but she's looking at Rachel's ass in those jeans and she's not really listening. It really is distracting.
Rachel dips her head a little to catch Quinn's eyes and looks a little confused. "You okay?"
"Sure." Quinn gives herself a mental shake. She needs to stop perving over Rachel, because Ireally/i, she isn't even gay and she has a boyfriend. Plus, it's Rachel Berry. What's wrong with her?
Rachel goes down the stairs to the basement that holds her "practice studio" her dads built her when she was seven and started voice lessons. "It's just better acoustics. You'll hear better here and we can work on isolating your breathing issues with the tracking software I have."
"Is it even going to sound good with a taped accompaniment?"
"You'd be surprised," winks Rachel roguishly, and Quinn has to stop herself from grinning back. Rachel is undeniably adorable here, in the familiarity of her own home, and it is enough to make Quinn think that she better not come over here on a weekend again. It's easier to focus when the girl is wearing her granny tops and skirts, though Quinn admits to herself that she's occasionally found Rachel attractive before, if she really wants to admit it to herself. She's just never let herself think about it.
They practice for awhile – and it's true, the tracking software does do wonders – until Rachel stops the tape and says, "Why don't I get some drinks? We've been working for a good hour, and you're starting to sound reedy again."
"Sure." Quinn isn't even offended by that. They have been working hard.
Leaning over the butcher-block island in the kitchen, Rachel sips at lemonade and chatters on about the mash-up until Quinn tunes her out to focus on Rachel's eyes. They're beautiful, sparkling brown, and they widen and catch Quinn's hazel eyes in earnest, trying to get her to engage and get her as involved in the conversation as much as Rachel herself is.
Rachel really is pretty. Quinn wonders why she hadn't seen it before.
Later, they sit on the couch in the basement and Quinn, without even knowing why, decides to lean over to cuddle against Rachel while they watch "Funny Face". She isn't actually sure why she's trying this with Rachel Berry, of all people, except that she's pretty much stopped fighting their developing friendship. They are friends. They always have been, in a strange way, bound together by the similarities that exist both in and beyond the superficial.
Rachel accepts Quinn's head on her shoulder and eventually puts a pillow on her lap and invites Quinn to lie down. "You seem tired," she says, and while this all seems perfectly innocent, Quinn feels a little weird about lying on Rachel's lap. She does it anyway.
Rachel, from this angle, is fascinating. Her lips are plump and expressive, and Quinn can actually see that as well as an amazing ass, Rachel possesses a nice pair of breasts too. She has no idea why Rachel doesn't leverage her assets. It seems almost stupid. She could get any guy she wanted if she dressed better.
Quinn suddenly wonders what it would be like to watch Rachel kissing a guy, and then following that thought, what it would be like to kiss Rachel, herself.
Maybe Quinn is a little gay, after all. Wow. Did she really just think that about herself? And secondly, is she really gay?
Rachel is depressingly innocent, though. She is oblivious to the fact that Quinn is harbouring these thoughts about her. She just drones on and on about the movie in a completely boring fashion. Quinn closes her eyes and lets Rachel's voice wash over her until Rachel gently pokes her.
"Are you asleep? Am I really that boring?"
Quinn opens her eyes to see that Rachel is smiling, so she wrinkles her nose. "Yes. Can you not watch a movie without going on and on about it?"
Rachel looks hurt for a second, and then understands that although Quinn's tone didn't change, she's teasing Rachel. "No, I guess not," she admits, and shrugs her shoulders.
Quinn starts to play with Rachel's necklace, an owl on a long chain. "This is cute."
"It was my grandmother's." She touches it, too, and an electric shock jumps from her fingers to Quinn's, so intense that Quinn could have sworn she saw it cause a tiny spark of light over the metal.
Quinn feels the spark completely through her entire body and she closes her eyes and shudders. II can't do this/i, she thinks, then sits up abruptly.
"I should go home," she says, and Rachel looks a little surprised, and then disappointed.
"Okay," she says, her voice also disappointed. "I hope I didn't do anything to offend you."
Quinn looks regretful. It isn't that at all. Poor Rachel. "No, I just have things to do. And I've spent long enough here for one afternoon," she adds for good measure, so that Rachel doesn't think she actually enjoyed herself or anything.
Rachel's face closes and Quinn suddenly feels mean. Why does she always have to be a bitch?
"But I had fun," she adds, and Rachel's face brightens again. Okay, that's better.
At the door, Quinn leans forward to give Rachel a hug, and Rachel folds easily into Quinn's arms, fitting under her chin. She's so tiny, thinks Quinn affectionately. It's cute.
"Thanks. So when are we going to perform it?"
"Mr. Schue said on Wednesday."
"Okay, one more practice on Monday and Tuesday, I think, and we'll be ready."
Rachel agrees and Quinn walks down the steps of the house and then down the street. Quinn waves at the turn from the driveway and then strolls slowly back to her house, turning the afternoon over in her mind.
She sort of understands Finn's attraction to Rachel, now, especially since she has the same sort of feelings.
How strange and unexpected.
/~/
Practice on Monday and Tuesday goes well. Brad works with them for two hours on Monday while Rachel decides to be a harridan and nitpick every inch of Quinn's performance, even down to the way she's standing on the stage! It's frustrating, but Quinn can see it is necessary, and both girls come away feeling more confident.
The mash-up competition on Wednesday begins with Santana and Brittany performing a Fleetwood Mac mash-up, something that Santana's been into lately. She really likes Fleetwood Mac and talks about it all the time at sleepovers with Quinn, Brittany, and herself. Quinn couldn't care less, but this mash-up is lovely. She really loves Santana's smoky, jazzy voice.
It's their turn right afterwards, and Quinn starts to feel nervous. What if she sounds bad? What if she misses the cues? Rachel, sitting right beside her, squeezes her hand, and Quinn takes a breath. Just breathe.
Rachel herself is feeling a little nervous. Quinn is such a weak singer in many respects, and she's also hard to work with, period. She knows Quinn's ready, but she's still a little unsure. This could be the worst idea she's ever had.
Their performance goes better than expected, fantastic even. Rachel's sweet soprano carries the spots that Quinn falters on, and Quinn's smooth, soft voice actually is a perfect complement to Rachel's Broadway-style stage voice. The Glee club sits spellbound as they listen to Quinn sing about being unpretty – something they'd never hear her say. Santana, especially, seems particularly moved.
When the song ends, Quinn is surprised to see tears on the faces of most of the girls, and also to find tears on her own cheeks. It was more emotional than she thought it would be, after the whole Lucy Caboosey debacle and the return of the feelings of inadequacy that she's pushed down for years.
Rachel keeps a close eye on Quinn during the performance and when they were halfway through, she realizes that what they were doing was something amazing. It seemed to have struck a chord with most people in the club, and Rachel finds herself getting emotional when Quinn sings the line about being "damn unpretty". Each member of New Directions knows what it's like – they're a club of losers. They all know what it's like to be not good enough.
Afterwards, Quinn pulls Rachel in her typically rough way out the back choir door to walk in the field beside the music wing.
"I wanted to say thanks," she says, pushing her hair back with one hand.
"Why?" Rachel asked, turning to Quinn. "I asked you. I should be thanking you for agreeing."
Quinn shrugs, and smiles a bit. "No, thanks for . . . I don't know, supporting me. Being nice to me. Not turning it to your advantage."
"Well, Finn should definitely be proud of you, now," Rachel says sincerely.
Quinn shakes her head irritably – she doesn't care about that, now. "I don't care if he is. I did it for him, at first . . . but in the end, Rachel, I did it for me. I needed to do it for me."
Rachel nods. "I get that."
Quinn pulls her by the hand so that Rachel is facing her and they stop under a tree. "No, I mean, I really needed to understand why I'm always so mean to people. Why I'm always mean to you. I feel so inadequate, and you have so much confidence. How do you do it when everyone just constantly dumps on you?"
Rachel just shrugs. "You choose to let it bother you or you choose to just keep going. I don't care anymore. They're losers, too. The people who try to push me down are no better than me and they'll figure that out soon enough."
Quinn isn't satisfied with the answer, but she doesn't know how else to sort out her conflicted feelings so she settles for kissing Rachel, instead.
This wasn't planned. Quinn has never initiated a kiss her in life.
Rachel, however, takes it in stride, and kisses Quinn back before breaking away and looking confused. "Quinn, are you gay?"
"I don't know," says Quinn, miserably. "I don't think so. I just . . . I'm attracted to you. I don't know why."
Rachel looks knowledgeable. "Well, I think everyone is a little bit bi. I'm very flattered."
Quinn looks frustrated and stamps a foot, feeling like a small child. "Is that all you're going to say?"
Rachel smiles, then. "I think you're pretty, Quinn. I think that you're a nice girl, when you want to be, but I'm not willing to define myself when I don't know what I want. I need to experiment more before I decide who I'm ultimately attracted to."
"Don't you want this?"
Rachel stops trying to psycho-analyze it then and simply kisses Quinn. It's nice. She decides she likes kissing girls, though Quinn is her first one. She has a soft mouth and a gentle way of kissing, and she likes the way that Quinn's hands rest comfortably on her waist and how Quinn's soft hair feels in her hands.
"Yes, I like this," she finds herself saying, and Quinn smiles.
"You were in those jeans on the weekend and that's when I knew," Quinn says, blushing
Rachel's brows come together. "Jeans make you think you're gay?"
Quinn just starts laughing, then, and Rachel laughs with her. They sit down under the tree and Rachel leans against Quinn, lying between her legs comfortably with her head resting on her soft chest.
"Thanks for doing the song with me," says Rachel, turning to look up at Quinn.
"Thanks for everything."
Rachel looks at Quinn upside down and Quinn leans forward and kisses her again. "You look beautiful."
"Well, I didn't think you'd ever say that to me. Man hands, you know."
"No. You're beautiful," says Quinn. "I'm sorry I was always so mean about your appearance. There's a lot you can change but Rachel, you really are pretty."
Rachel smiles at Quinn. "It's okay. There's a lot to figure out. Don't rush into it."
They sit under the tree for awhile and then go back inside to grab their backpacks.
"Why'd you choose 'Unpretty' specifically?" Quinn is chewing on a pen as she twists her hair up and then shoves the pen through it in a way Rachel wishes she knew how to do.
Rachel shrugs. "Because I feel unpretty. And because I thought you could represent the other side." Rachel shrugs. Quinn in particular has always made her feel sort of inadequate.
Quinn turns to Rachel. "You're not. Unpretty, I mean. And either way, no one ever feels beautiful all the time."
"Do you feel beautiful now?"
Quinn smiles. "Yeah. But not for the reason you think."
"Why, then?"
"Because I don't care anymore. They can make fun of me and I don't care. It doesn't matter."
Rachel looks pleased, and Quinn cups her cheek.
"You're beautiful, too. Don't get your nose done."
Rachel nods. "I won't."
They walk home that evening, hand in hand. Rachel walks into her house and blows a kiss to Quinn before she closes the door. If Rachel gets slushied tomorrow, she at least had tonight feeling like the most important girl in the world.
Quinn, going to her house, fully expects to get slushied.
Somehow, she doesn't care.