Cid's Reflections Upon Being Hit By a Comet

by Rhianwen

While training outside Mideel, the party's Barrier Materia levels up, granting them the Reflect All spell. Naturally, they are anxious to experiment with it. Chaos and head trauma ensue. Poor Cid... Please R&R if you've a second. :o)

Cid's Reflections on Being Hit By a Comet

--------------------------------------------------------

Notes: Okay, this is my second FF7 story, and is based on an experience I had while playing the game. Most of it, at any rate. After all, hyperbole is a sign of true comedic genius. So, if any of it seems a little far-fetched...that was probably the part that really happened to me. Jus' so you know, I'm not very bright. :o)

Anyway, as this is based on a true experience while playing the game, I'm going to tell it from the point of view of the party I was using at the time. This party is, by the way, Cid, Vincent, and Yuffie. You know what this means: room for me to indulge my rapidly-growing liking for the Vincent/Yuffie pairing! Run away!!!

---------------------------------------------------------

   "Alright, ya stubborn bastard, why don't we just agree that there's more than one way to look at it, and drop the damn subject?" Cid suggested, shaking his head with a laugh.

Vincent shook his head, the action typically missing a laugh.

   "I refuse to consider the possibility that those words could have meant anything outside of Apocalyptic doom."

   "How can you be so goddamn narrow-minded?!" the blond man exclaimed, kicking angrily at the ground, sending a cloud of sand billowing upward to encompass the three weary travellers, who, predictably, began to cough uncontrollably. "There's always more than one meaning!"

   "Not when the song is called 'It's the End of the World As We Know It,'" Vincent replied calmly.  

   "Ya never know," Cid shot back with a frosty glare in the other man's direction. In his best estimation, anyway. He couldn't see a damn thing through that sand! Really, he should have known better than to go about randomly kicking on a beach.

   "In this case, I must insist that I do."

   "Guys! Who cares?! It's a song! And a stupid one, at that! Now, can we please drop it?" Yuffie pleaded from a few steps behind.

   "I will drop it when he admits that his ideas are mad," Vincent called over his shoulder.

   "Alright, now ya got my back up. No way in hell am I givin' this up!" Cid announced with an emphatic glare at Vincent...and at Yuffie, just for good measure. "I'll argue it until YOU admit that YOU'RE just bein' too damn narrow!"

   "AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!" Yuffie intoned calmly. Then, as a by-now-familiar deafening screech filled her ears, she slumped forward with an impatient sigh. "Hey! Guys! You might wanna know, we're about to be attacked by another one of those sandworm thingies!"

Cid whirled about to face the massive creature, drawing his weapon.

   "What?! Why the #$#@$((#@(*& didn't you say so?!"

   "Actually, she just did," Vincent pointed out, following suit and drawing his.

And at this point, the evil, evil 25-foot tall sand-blowing worm thingie attacked.

   "Ack!" our unfortunate team of three shouted in a collective unit.

   "Damn! I can't see a thing! What the heck did it DO?!"

An impatient sigh.

   "It darkened us with sand, Yuffie. Just like the last eleven have done."

   "Oh, shut up, Vincent! So, what do we do now, Illustrious Leader?"

   "ARRRRRGH!! IT BURNS!!! IT'S IN MY EYES! IT'S IN MY @#@$#$@$#*!@#in' EYES!!!"

   "Uh...kay. Vinnie, what do we do?"

   "What else? We hit it until it dies."

   "Aw!  But we ALWAYS hit it until it dies! I wanna try something new!"

   "Then why don't we ask Cid for an idea?"

   "IT BURNS!!! IT BURNS!!!"

A sweadrop, visible even through the ever thickening cloud of sand, suspended itself at the side of the tiny girl's head.

   "Alright, I get your point."

------------------------------------------------------------

Ten gruelling and painful minutes, during which Cid put to use about every curse, swear, profanity, and variation thereof to extensive use, the beast was vanquished, and the staunch heroes strode victoriously away from the rapidly-vanishing bloodied corpse of one former sand worm.

   "Y'know what?" Yuffie chirped. "I'm really glad those things disappear right after we kill them. Can you imagine how icky it'd be if we had to wander around a beach littered with dead sandworms?"

   "No, I can't imagine," Vincent replied dryly, casting a quick healing spell on Cid, who, it seemed, the worm had had something of a vendetta against, and who had thus had his ass wrapped up in a neat little package with a pretty silvery bow and handed to him.

   "Bet you wouldn't be so ##@($#&*$((*&^#@ happy if that monster had used YOU for its damn hackey-sack," that same disgruntled Cid muttered darkly, scowling at the utterly oblivious ninja skipping down the beach.

Vincent straightened up with a sigh.

   "Well, let's go. We shouldn't let her get too far ahead."

   "Yeah, yeah, gimme a minute...ow," Cid grunted, climbing slowly and painfully to his feet.

Up ahead, Yuffie stopped and turned, waiting for them to catch up.

   "So, do you guys think we should come up with a strategy other than 'hit it until it dies' yet?"

   "#$%$#@(*&##@($#(*$#(*&%#$@$#%(*&%#@^*&!!!!!!" Cid howled inarticulately.

   "Oh! So THAT'S how you pronounce it!" She made a mental note to remember this in days to come.

   "You know, Cid, a simple 'yes' would have sufficed," Vincent informed him with a sigh.

   "Cid!" Yuffie exclaimed in horror as something caught her eye. "You've been dropping Materia the whole way down the beach! Y'know, if you're not careful, someone's gonna steal it one of these days!"

   "Oh, c'mon," Cid scoffed. "Who the hell would do a damn fool thing like that?"

   "Yes, who, indeed?" a voice boomed from the heavens as Yuffie looked away, whistling innocently.

   "Aw, damn," Cid muttered, annoyed, glancing up at the sky. "I'm hearin' those voices again."

Withdrawing a small bottle from a pocket somewhere about his person, Vincent removed two tablets and handed them to the pilot.

   "Try these. Believe me, they help with that sort of thing."

   "I don't need no damn pills!" Cid bellowed. Meanwhile, somewhere, somehow, an army of English teachers cried out in anguish.

   "He said the same thing about anger management," Yuffie remarked mildly to Vincent.

Vincent nodded in agreement.

   "Denial is an ugly thing."

   "Hey! Shut the hell up, you two, and come take a look at this!"

   "Oh, fine," she huffed. "What's up?"

He held out a small, spherical object.

   "Take a look at our Barrier Materia!"

   "'Reflect?'" Vincent read, peering intently at the object. Yuffie merely stared, hands clasped and eyes huge and shiny, a thought bubble appearing above her head, proudly proclaiming, 'Oh! Yayness!'

   "You know what, you two?" Cid began, an evil smile crossing his face. "I think we've just found our #$#@#!@^&% new technique."

------------------------------------------------------------

   "Alright, Cid, tell me one more time. What are we doing?" Vincent asked, rubbing his forehead. Or, at least, the red scarf-thingy covering it.

   "I put up a Reflect spell on all of us, and then one of you hits all of us with an Ice spell," Cid replied calmly.

   "Great!" Yuffie proclaimed jubilantly. "Just one question."

   "Yeah, go ahead."

   "ARE YOU FREAKING INSANE?!!! Gawd...that's nuts, even for you!"

   "What're ya talkin' about, Yuffie? What could go wrong?"

   "She's right, Cid. It is a rather great risk to take. What if...you don't quite manage to perfect Reflect on your first try?"

   "Tell ya what, Vincent: after I try the Reflect, I'll letcha know whether or not to go on, alright? And if anything REALLY goes wrong, we're only a half-hour's walk from Mideel. C'mon, trust me!"

Vincent and Yuffie exchanged uncertain glances, sharing a thought bubble, which proudly flashed the phrase, 'Famous last words...' for all to see.

-----------------------------------------------------

Nevertheless, a ring of slavering (or, at the very least, frantically squirming) enormous sand worms were waiting, eager to attack and kill any unsuspecting traveller. And so, it was agreed. The new technique would be tried.

------------------------------------------------------

   "Ack!" our unfortunate team of three shouted in a collective unit as the creature attacked.

   "Damn! I can't see a thing! What the heck did it DO?!"

An impatient sigh.

   "It darkened us with sand, Yuffie. Just like the last twelve have done."

   "Oh, shut up, Vincent! Okay, Cid, start praying that this works, 'cause if it doesn't, and we don't all die, I'm gonna kick your ass from here to Final Fantasy 8!"

   "Er, what?"

   "Tell you what, Vincent, it's probably safer not to ask with her. Alright, I'm settin' up for the Reflect, so get ready, everyone!"

Shoving his Very Fancy Poking Stick into the harness strapped to his back, Cid began to chant the newly learned spell. A moment later, a fiery glow encompassed the three, and all could feel the reflective barrier before them, a tangible energy.

The fair-haired man took the cigarette from his mouth momentarily to let out a loud cheer.

   "Yeah! It worked! Alright, whoever's closest, hit us with the strongest Ice spell you've got!"

Suppressing a reluctant whimper, Yuffie stepped forward and began the required spell. The gigantic, pointy, and very, very cold ice block appeared above their heads, and began to descend...

And three fighters, with bated breath, prayed for a miracle...

The invisible barrier before them leapt to life, and the next instant, three successive blocks of ice encased the sand worm. Or, at any rate, the former sand worm.

   "Yeah!" Cid shouted, pumping his fist triumphantly in the air.

   "It...worked," Yuffie murmured, staring in astonishment and wonder at the worm-turned-frozen-entrée.

Vincent remained utterly still, an expression of terror frozen on his face.

   "Hey, Yuffs, I think we traumatized Vincent," Cid cackled. "Do me a favour, and break him outta it, okay?"

   "'Break him out of it,' he says," Yuffie muttered petulantly. "And just HOW do I do THAT? Hey, Vinnie!" she barked, waving a hand before his eyes.

No response.

Alright, Plan B. She grabbed a lock of long, dark hair and gave a quick tug.

No response.

She sighed. Plan C?

No, it seemed that poking him repeatedly between the eyes didn't work, either.

   "Any luck?" Cid called from the triumphant dance that he had, for some reason, felt it necessary to do around the worm's quickly vanishing dead body.

   "No!" she called back, pouting.

Cid shook his head.

   "Try offering him a variety of strange, weird, and kinky sexual favours. THAT'll unfreeze him!"

   "Shut up!" she barked, hurling a rock his way. Then, with a shrug, she turned to the still-still man and, creeping carefully around behind him, grabbed his...behind.

   "Ack!" Vincent shrieked (or, at least, the Vincent equivalent thereof), leaping about a foot in the air.

   "That's what you get," Yuffie informed him smugly.

With a baffled shake of his head, the dark-haired man strode quickly away, blushing slightly.

   "Okay, enough, you two! Let's go try our new trick again!" Cid suggested, rubbing his hands together, a gleeful grin stretched across his countenance.

-------------------------------------------------------

   "Ack!" our unfortunate team of three shouted in a collective unit as the creature attacked.

   "Damn! I can't see a thing! What the heck did it DO?!"

An impatient sigh.

   "It darkened us with sand, Yuffie. Just like the last thirteen have done."

   "Oh, shut up, Vincent!"

   "Will you two shut up?!" Cid bellowed as the invisible shield sparked to life around them.

With barely perceptible shrug, Vincent leapt forward and began to recite the Ice 3 spell.

Again, the block of ice descended toward the party at an alarming rate, and then seemed to change its mind and shattered three successive times around the sand worm.

   "Alright!" Cid shouted triumphantly.

   "Wow...Vincent, you're so smart," Yuffie noted in awe, hands clasped and eyes shiny, as all characterization flew out the window.

   "Hey...actually, I thought it up," Cid reminded her. Vincent merely looked down and to the side, reddening slightly, with a small smile.

   "How did you figure out that it would work?"

   "Hey! Brat! I figured it out, remember?"

He shook his head as his words went totally unheard and ignored by both.

   "I hate you guys..."

-----------------------------------------------------------

   "Ack!" our unfortunate team of three shouted in a collective unit as the creature attacked.

   "Damn! I can't see a thing! What the heck did it DO?!"

An impatient sigh.

   "It darkened us with sand, Yuffie. Just like the last twelve have done."

   "Oh, shut up, Vincent! Hey, Cid, are you gonna do that Reflect-ey thing again?"

   "Sure as hell! But we're gonna try somethin' a little different this time. Yuffie! You've got the Comet Materia with you, right?"

   "Uh..." Vincent began, already foreseeing disaster. However, as is usually the case with all such seers, he was paid no mind.

   "Yeah, I've still got it!" Yuffie replied.

   "Great! We're gonna reflect that onto the damn thing!"

   "Cool!" she exclaimed jubilantly, then stopped. "But...I can't reflect it off of all of us."

   "Reflect it off of Cid," Vincent hastened to suggest.

Cid shrugged.

   "Eh, what the hell. I'll be the damn guinea pig."

   "Alright! Here we go," Yuffie announced, leaping forward and beginning the spell. Seconds later, a fiery ball of debris hurtled down from the heavens toward Cid.

   "Yeah! Feel that heat!" Cid shouted. "What a #@$($#^#@*&^$ rush!"

The meteor struck. Vincent and Yuffie gazed expectantly at Cid, waiting for the shield to activate and for the flaming ball of rock to descend upon the sand worm. As it vanished, utterly failing to descend upon the sand worm, but revealing a very much battered, very much unconscious Cid, they exchanged suspicious glances.

  "U-um...Cid?" Yuffie called hesitantly, creeping closer and poking the unmoving form. "Hey! Hey! Hey-hey! Hey!"

   "Yuffie! Leave him alone and get over here! There's still an angry sand worm advancing on us!"

   "Oh, he's gonna be SO pissed off when we revive him!" the tiny ninja lamented, bouncing back into position.

--------------------------------------------------------------

   "Cid, I don't honestly see how you can pin the blame for this on us," Vincent spoke up hesitantly. Cid stopped his pacing for a moment and fixed the other man with an icy glare.

   "Shut up!" Then he wheeled to glare at Yuffie. "You! I am going to ^#^*&$#(@#) kill you in your sleep! If you have a dream about being hit by a #$&$#^*&($#)^*&%$ COMET, and you wake up #*&()$#@^$ DEAD, you'll know why!"

   "Eep!" Yuffie lamented, sinking back against Vincent, who predictably reddened slightly, and less predictably wrapped a protective arm about her.

   "No, you will NOT, Cid. Might I remind you again, the thing with the Comet was your own idea."

   "I already told you to shut the #^*$&#@^(*&# up!"

   "Look, can we just keep moving?" Vincent requested calmly.

   "Fine," Cid agreed sulkily, and off they set, sadly wiser one very important life lesson: you can NOT reflect a comet.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Eventually, Cid forgave, coming to the realization that it had, indeed, been his own suggestion, whether or not Yuffie had been the one to call down the comet itself, and he ceased after a time growling death threats at her.

Still, though, Vincent decided, with complete agreement from Yuffie, that it might be advisable for someone (namely, him) to share a tent with her, on the off-chance that Cid might change his mind and decide to exact his revenge, after all. At least, this is what both will claim.

Staunchly.

But we all know better, don't we?

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Author's Notes: Hee! That's what happens when two crazy people are playing Final Fantasy 7 with waaaaaaaaaaay too much caffeine in their systems, and one gets the brilliant idea to reflect a comet onto the enemy. Yes, Cid was not happy with me for that little trick.

That's nothing, though, compared to the feelings of the entire party when we took it one step further and tried to reflect Ultima onto the enemy.

Then, after playing for another hour and a half to get myself back to where I had been, I set about writing this charming little account of the events.