Fly Away I - Hers
by Sarah Brown
sbrown@slbrown.com
JAG and the characters are the property of Donald Bellasario, Paramount and CBS. No copyright infringement intended.
Mac walked in and threw her things down on her couch. Then she slammed the door behind her and flung her keys across the room for good measure.
That bastard! Leaving on a moment's notice, acting like it was no big deal. He probably wouldn't have even said goodbye if she hadn't ambushed him in his office.
And of course by the time he walked away from her she had gone all mushy, letting those beautiful blue eyes and strong arms coax her out of her anger.
But now she remembered her last words to him. Remembered that while she had cried like a baby, he hadn't had the decency to shed a single tear. While her world was shattering around her and she was using every ounce of discipline she had not to beg him to stay, he had humored her, without saying one word about how hard it was to leave her.
Hard! He was probably just in a hurry to get to his damn ship and his damn planes and was chafing at the time he was wasting dealing with her hysterics. "Bastard!" she yelled out loud as she stomped into her bedroom. She jerked her uniform off and pulled on a pair of jeans and a top.
By the time she finished dressing the anger had dissolved, and she had dissolved into tears. It was just too much, she thought. She hadn't gotten over the pain of Chloe leaving, and now this pain, a thousand times worse. It felt like her whole life had been ripped away. And he hadn't said a damn thing to her.
There had been a moment, when she'd asked him if he was in love, and he had hesitated. He had looked into her eyes, and for a moment, she thought she saw something . . . something like the feelings she had carried inside her for so long. She thought he was going to say something . . . her heart pounded and she held her breath, waiting for his words . . . but he looked away and didn't say a word. Not a damn word! she thought, and started to get angry all over again.
She went back and forth like that for what seemed like hours, alternately screaming and bawling. Finally she fell into a restless slumber on the couch in her living room.
She was awakened a short time later by a knock on the door. Wearily, she pulled herself upright and ran a hand through her tousled hair. Consulting her internal clock, she realized it was 2200 hours. Who was here? Harm was probably halfway to Florida by now, he was in such big hurry to leave. Then she got a sinking feeling.
Going to the door, she said, "Mick, I swear to God if that's you, you'd better just turn and leave right now. I am not in the mood . . ." She turned the knob and pulled the door open to see Harm standing there.
"It's not Mick," he said unnecessarily. As she continued to stare at him, he asked, "Mac, can I come in?"
She stepped back to let him enter. After the tumult of emotions that had washed through her this afternoon, she felt numb. She didn't know what to feel about him being here right in front of her after she'd expected never to see him again, or at least not for a long time.
"Why are you here, Harm?" she asked.
"I came to say goodbye."
"I thought we said our goodbyes at the office," she said tightly.
"C'mon, Mac. You didn't think that after all we've been through together, I'd leave without coming to see you, did you?"
A chink opened in her armor and the anger and grief began to seep out again. "I don't know what to think about you anymore," she cried. "Up until a few weeks ago, I thought you were happy at JAG. I knew you missed flying, but I thought you cared about your work. I thought you cared about . . . about all of us. I thought I had plenty of time to . . . I didn't think you'd just walk away from it."
"Away from you, you mean?" Harm asked quietly.
"Yes, alright, away from me!" she yelled. "I'm so stupid. You've come to mean so much to me that I deluded myself into thinking I meant something to you. Guess I was wrong."
"Mac, you weren't wrong," Harm said in disbelief. "You know how much I care about you!"
"How can you say that when you're leaving me?"
"Mac," he said, taking her hand. "Sarah, you are more important to me than anything in my life."
"Except for flying," she said bitterly.
"Damn it, why does it have to be a choice?" he yelled, dropping her hand and turning away. He ran his fingers through his cropped hair in frustration. "You of all people know how much flying means to me, how much I've missed it. I thought you'd understand. I knew Jordie wouldn't, but I thought you would. I thought you'd be happy for me."
"I'm happy for YOU. It's me I'm unhappy for." She turned her back to him. "How am I going to live without you?" she said, almost to herself.
"What did you say?" he asked, sure he hadn't heard her correctly.
Mac hesitated, but she decided she had nothing to lose. "I said how am I going to live without you? I love you!" she said, making it sound like an accusation, "And you're leaving me. Just like every man leaves me one way or another. I don't know why I thought you'd be any different."
Harm just stared at her, stunned.
Mac laughed without amusement. "You know, the last few months I've pictured telling you that I love you a hundred times. During the day I could keep myself from thinking about my feelings, but at night, laying in bed, trying to fall asleep, I couldn't keep the thoughts out of my head.
"I had it all pictured. I'd tell you I loved you, you'd rush over to me and kiss me and tell me you loved me, too, and then we'd . . ." she faltered. "This is not how I pictured it at all," she ended sadly.
"I thought you didn't want to have that kind of relationship with me," Harm said, hope growing inside him. "Mac, every time I wanted to tell you that I love you, it seemed like the wrong time. I was afraid you didn't feel the same way. If I bared my soul to you and you pushed me away . . . I can face enemy fire in a dogfight, but I couldn't face that."
"Harm, you don't have to say that just to make me feel better."
"Sarah, look at me!" he said, grabbing her arm and spinning her around to face him. "Look me in the eye and you'll see what I'm saying is true. I love you!"
Mac slowly raised her head and met his eyes, afraid to believe it might be true. But she could see that it was. Those beautiful blue eyes that had never lied to her were telling her that he really did love her. Her heart soared.
"Harm, I can't believe this is happening!" she gasped.
"Believe it," he said fiercely before pulling her into his arms.
He put his lips to hers hungrily and she met him kiss for kiss. She cupped his face in her hands as he slid his arms down her back and pulled her tightly to him. They moaned together at the impact of their bodies against one another. She slipped her hands down the sides of his chest, then around his back.
He walked her back to the couch and gently pushed her down without ever breaking contact. Mac sank back and pulled him down on top of her. She felt lightheaded. She had dreamed of this moment so many times. Her blood pounded through her veins and buzzed in her head. She pressed him even closer to her as the buzzing increased. She shook her head, trying to get the noise to quit. Instead, it got louder and louder.
Mac sat bolt upright on the couch as her alarm buzzed persistently at her. She walked slowly back to her bedroom and turned the offending sound off. It was 0600, time to get ready for work. Her first day at JAG without Harm.
THE END
This story copyright 1999 by Sarah Brown, all rights reserved.