I sat in front of the window, watching the rain pour from the clouds. I sat and watched for so many years. Nothing ever goes away. Everything stays the same. The loss, the ache, the need.
I got up and walked over to the mirror. My white hair untamed as always. My skin pale, a little wrinkly, but nothing really changed. But my eyes. My eyes tell it all. They tell the whole story. From the glorious beginning to the torturous, horrifying end…
The first time I saw her I was mowing my front yard. She was across the street wearing a dark blue dress that made her skin look like cream and roses. Her hair had a tint of red in it from the sun. She caught me staring and I wave sheepishly.
She looked away shyly. Then she walked over across the street to my yard.
"Excuse me." She said. Her voice was like bells in my ears. It rang over and over.
I looked up at and raise a quizzical eyebrow at her. That's when I really saw her face. She had a small amount of freckles upon her cheeks and nose. Her hair dark and curly which framed her face. Her eyes were big and brown. It reminded me of a doe.
"I'm sorry to interrupt, your;" she looked around; "your yard work, but if you would please be kind enough to tell me where this address is I would kindly get out of your way." she blushed.
She showed me the paper. I smiled to myself. I cleared my throat, "Miss…" I trailed.
"Swan. Bella Swan." She stated and blushed deeper.
I smiled. "Miss. Swan, this would be my address." I said. "How may I help you?" I added.
Her mouth shaped into a small "o" form then said, "You're Doctor Masen?" She asked.
"Yes." I smirked.
"Oh, well, see. My mother is very ill. She's been ill for quite some time and she's been to all the doctors in town. Well, except from you." She smiled shyly once again.
I furrowed my eyebrows. "Here, come inside." I led her inside and then I said, "Here sit here. Would you like anything to drink?" I asked.
She gave a small smile. "No, thank you Doctor Masen." She replied.
I smiled in return and then I sat down. "What are her symptoms?" I asked.
"Vomiting, diarrhea, fever, dry heaves." She said.
"To me it just sounds like influenza." I stated.
"But it's not winter." She said.
I chuckled. "Miss Swan, It doesn't have to be winter to get the influenza. That's just the most common time to get it." I said.
"Oh." She said. Then added, "Will you still come over and take a look at her?" She asked worriedly.
I smiled politely and agreed too. It was my job and all. We left my house shortly after that and I opened the car door for her.
When I got in I asked, "Where to?"
She turned and pointed over her shoulder. "Um, I live on Frederick Street." was all she replied.
The car ride was short, "What house are you, Miss Swan?"
"The white one on the corner." She replied.
I pulled up to the house. It was very small and simple. It amused me for some odd reason. I stopped the car and walked over to let her out.
She smiled the most beautiful smile. "Thank you."
I smiled and nodded my head in response. She led the way into the small house. It was very homey inside. It had the most delicious smell to it. Apple? Apple cinnamon? I didn't realize but their was a pie cooling in the window.
She led me up the stairs to a bedroom where her mother was lying. She knocked on the door very softly and she creaked it open.
"Mother?" She said very softly.
Her mother looked very ill. Pale skin, almost yellow, her lips cracked. I tried to hide my gasp. This is the worse case of influenza I ever saw.
"Mother?" She said once again, but shaking her quite softly.
She opened her eyes then. Her eyes were the same shade of her daughter's. But, hers had dark circles underneath them and a glass covering over them.
"A doctor is her to see you, mother." She said.
I smiled at the old, frail woman. Her attempt to smile was heartbreaking. It took almost all of her energy to raise her lips. Then, her face turned into the most torturous expression. I was alarmed.
"What's wrong Mrs. Swan?"
She gasped for a response. Bella was looking worriedly from her mother to me.
"Miss. Swan, please go get a container or bucket of some source, and some water please." I said quickly.
Bella rushed out of the room, while I was kneeled beside Mrs. Swan feeling her head and listening to her heart. It's beating abnormally fast.
Bella was then back into the room. She handed me the bucket and the glass of water. I sat up and lifted Mrs. Swan from her resting position. Then I told her to open her mouth and I had her drink some water. It wasn't even minutes later until she started to throw up the water I had her drink. Then Mrs. Swan's face finally relaxed and she started to fall asleep again. I laid her back down.
"Doctor;" Bella asked worriedly. "What's wrong with her?"
I had my mouth in a grim line. "A severe case of influenza. I haven't seen anything like this before. But, I have read about it…" I said.
Bella's eyebrows were furrowed together then she asked, "What are we going to do?"
I furrowed my eyebrows together this time, "We keep doing what we're doing, and we wait."
"But, she's suffering…" Bella said helplessly.
"I know. But time is all we have."
"What's;" she stopped.
I looked over at her.
She continued but without looking at me. "What are the chances of her making through this..?" She asked quietly. Making eye contact with me finally.
I looked her dead in the eyes. This was always the hardest part about being a doctor. "Very low." I said.
With that her eyes welled up with tears and she went over to sit by her mother's side and started to pat her hand.
OOO
Two weeks went by and no improvement had happened to Mrs. Swan. She gradually got worse. Her pains started to progress, her fever getting higher, sometimes not even waking up for a few days. I tried everything I could to make her well. I researched late at night to find something, but I couldn't. I became so involved with this particular patient that it almost became obsessive.
I was at Bella's house once again for her mother's daily checkup. When I saw Mrs. Swan that day, I knew the end was near. Her breathing was loud, gurgles were heard every time she stopped and started to breathe again. I had to prepare myself to tell Bella.
She was in the kitchen preparing herself some tea. She didn't hear me when I approached, so I frightened her. She gasps and nearly dropped her glass of tea. I apologized and asked her to have a seat.
She looked very tired. Dark circles under her eyes, worry lines between her brows. This wasn't going to be easy.
"Miss Swan…" I started.
"She's gone, isn't she? She's going to die. Am I right? Doctor Masen?" She asked angrily. I was about to say something but she started to rant again. "You aren't must of a doctor if you can't even save her. I did everything you asked. You said she should improve. You said she's going to get better. You aren't a doctor! You're a liar!" She was yelling towards the end.
"Miss Swan. Please. Listen, I tried my best. I said she may get better. I said her improvements were very low. She didn't even make improvements most of the time. I remember clearly from that very day I sat in your mother's bedroom that the chances of her survival were very low. You've got to understand. I did everything I possibly could to save her life." I said calmly.
She just glared at me and yelled. "No, you didn't. You said "'We wait.'" Do you know what we could've done with that time! You wasted precious time. You could've saved her. You're a monster! You disgust me…" She said.
Her words hit me very strongly. "Miss Swan. You have no idea on how much I tried to save her. You don't understand." I said a little bit angrily this time. Then I said, "It's time for you to go see your mother now. Her time is wearing away…" I said softly.
Her face which was angered turned sad. She left the room without a word.
I sat at the table and pulled angrily at my hair. Maybe she was right. Maybe I didn't do all what I could've done to save her mother. Maybe I could've done something. Still mad at myself, I pulled on my hair more and I started to get tears in my eyes.
Why was I doing this? I shouldn't be like this. I stopped and stood up abruptly and tried to compose myself well enough to go face Bella. I walked up the stairs and entered her mother's room.
Bella was sitting there with her back towards me and had her head in her elbow. The way her back was moving I could tell she was crying. My heart literally ached with it's every beat.
"Excuse me, Miss Swan, but I have to check on your mother…" I said softly.
She straightened her posture and turned and looked over at me. I took that as an okay and I walked passed her and I checked her mother's heart beat. It was slowing down a lot, and the beat of it was getting fainter.
I closed my eyes and I said, "It's about time." I said softly once again. But what shocked me was when I heard Mrs. Swan speak to me. It was very dry and it cracked.
"Doctor Masen." She said low enough for only me to hear.
I opened my eyes, and looked over at her and leaned down closer to her.
"Please, take care of my daughter. She has no one left. Please. No matter what. Just take care of her. Keep her safe…" Her voice gotten softer towards the end and then she stopped breathing. It was over.
OOO
Bella didn't go to her mother's funeral. Honestly, I don't know what she did. After Mrs. Swan's funeral was over I stopped by her house.
I walked up to the door and knocked. I waited several minutes. I knocked again. This time she came to the door. When she opened I gasped.
She was wearing the same clothes the day her mother died. Her hair was wild and uncombed. She was thinner. Her dark circles under her eyes were worse than before, and her eyes were rimmed with red.
She squeezed her eyes than said, "How can I help you Doctor Masen…?"
I stood there in front of her staring at her, and then I realized why I came here.
"I came here to check up on you." I said.
"I'm perfectly fine. Thank you very much." She snapped.
I flinched to her tone. Then her face turned apologetic.
"Doctor…" She started.
"Edward. Call me Edward." I interrupted.
She gave me a weak smile. "Edward, I didn't mean to answer you like that…I'm…" She stopped and closed her eyes.
"I'm trying. But things aren't getting any better. Things are getting harder. It's almost I have to hold myself together. It hurts." She gave a humorless laugh and continued. "It hurts real bad…" Then she started to cry.
I went to go hug her. She fit me perfectly. I hugged her and kissed her forehead. I didn't stop hugging her until she was fully composed of herself.
"Edward…" She muttered into my suit. "Stay with me. Please, stay with me." She begged helplessly.
So, I did.
OOO
I stayed until the very early hour in the morning. I helped Bella through the night. From her nightmares, from her emotional breakdowns. I was like an inventor and she was my invention. She didn't do anything. She wouldn't eat or anything. I had to tell her when to eat. But, when she ate she only ate a few bites of something. She needed me, and I was going to be here.
When I was sure she fell asleep I was creeping towards the door.
"What are you doing?" She asked in a panicked voice.
I turned around to face her. "I was going to go home to get some clothes."
"Were you going to come back?" She asked panicked again.
I gave her a reassuring smile and said, "Yes. I was planning on it."
She smiled at me, and then laid her head back down on the pillow she was resting on.
When I arrived at my house I didn't know what exactly to pack. Or, how much. I decided to take a weeks worth or clothes to be on the safe side. I finished packing very quickly and I was out the door, and back at Bella's place.
I just walked right in, she wouldn't care. But when I walked in I heard her crying. I dropped my suitcase and ran up to her room.
"Bella!" I said nervously when I walked into the room.
She was crying hysterically. Really heavy sobs. I alarmed. I walked over to her bed and I sat on her mattress and I grabbed her and pulled her to my chest.
"It's okay." I muttered into her hair.
She cried even harder. Getting tears all over my shirt. I could care less.
"I miss her. So, much…" She said between sobs. "It's so painful. I can't take it. I need her Edward. She was all I had left. I wasn't ready to grow up. I wasn't finished being raised…"
"I know. I understand completely…" I said. I remember what it was like having my parents die, and being the only one since I was an only child.
That's when she looked up at me and asked, "How?" she had a look of disbelief on her face.
I felt my heart sink. "My parents died when I was fairly young and I was the only child. I understand having no one. I understand when you're not ready to grow up. I understand when you're not finished being raised." I kissed her forehead. "You're not alone anymore, Bella. You have me now." I kissed her forehead again and sighed and said "How about I get a bath ready for you? It'll help with the stress. It'll feel nice."
"Okay." Was all she said. I laid her back down on her bed and got up went to the bathroom to start her bath water. When I finished getting everything ready for her bath I went back to get her.
She was still lying on the same side I laid her on.
"Are you ready?" I asked.
She looked up at my through her eyelashes. She was so beautiful. Even when she's like this. In my opinion it makes her even more beautiful. She just nodded her head for a reply.
"Can you help me up please?" She asked.
I went over to her side and helped her get out of bed. But when she stood up she nearly fell over. I caught her before she hit the floor.
"How about I carry you into the bathroom?" I asked. She nodded her head once again. When I picked her up she was so light. But then she has to worry and say;
"I'm not light as your everyday satchel."
I smirked but didn't reply to her response. I carried to the bathroom and steadied her on the floor. I was about to leave but then she said.
"Edward."
I looked at her.
"Will you please help me undress? I can't get the bow in the back of my dress and I'm too weak to stand very long…"
I nodded my head slightly. It's not awkward seeing a woman naked. I see women naked all the time because of my profession. I untied her bow and undid her buttons on the back of her dress and I slid the dress down her shoulders until it dropped to her feet. She held my hand while she stepped out of it. I helped her take off her undergarments.
I helped her step into the bath. As her body was finally under all the water, she asked;
"Will you please help wash me?"
I had to agree. It was my job to help take care of her. Her mother's words echoed through my head as I began to wash her.
OOO
I was brought out of my daze as a nurse came into my room.
"Edward, are you ready to go?" She asked.
I looked over at her and nodded one quick nod.
"Do you need any help getting to the van?" She asked.
"No thank you. I'll be fine." I stated.
She followed me out to the main doors and opened the doors for me. My walker had trouble getting through the doors but I finally managed it get it. It was still raining out. The nurse opened the door for me and I got in the van very slowly, while she folded my walker for me and put in the back of the van.
As she got in the van she looked at me in the driver's mirror.
"Same place?" She asked.
"Yes. Same place. Lori's Flowers." I replied.
OOO
Weeks went to months, and by that time Bella and I started to get closer to each other. She also started to gradually get better. She didn't really need to rely on me that much anymore. I guess I started to move in slowly into her house with her.
I decided one day that we were going to take a walk together after I got off work.
"Bella, do you want to take a walk with me?" I asked.
She smiled at me. "I would love too, Edward."
We grabbed our jackets and went out the door. We went for a walk in the park. It was autumn and I enjoyed watching the leaves. We were walking fairly close together, but I didn't make a move to hold her hand. But I was planning on making a move sometime this evening.
We were walking in the park with a comfortable silence in the air then Bella sniffed the air. I looked over at her questionably.
She gave me a small grin and said, "I love the smell of autumn. Don't you know the difference between the smells of the seasons?" She asked.
I gave a small laugh. "No, I haven't paid much attention before. I'll pay attention more in December." I said.
She gave me a playful whack on the arm. Then she stopped walking.
"What?" I asked.
She pointed to this large, yellow flower planted by a maple tree.
"What about it?" I asked.
She looked back at me and smiled her beautiful smile at me.
"It's a Canna Flaccida. It's my favorite flower." She said. "Isn't it beautiful?" She added.
I smiled and I made her turn towards and I whispered to her, "Not as beautiful as you are to me." Then I kissed her for the first time.
OOO
We arrived at Lori's Flowers faster than I would've thought. The nurse then helped me out of the van to help me go purchase some flowers. Once I got the flowers I wanted we went back to the van.
"To the other same place?" She asked me.
"Yes, to Maple Cemetery." I said sadly.
OOO
Bella and I have been dating for awhile. It's been a year and it's our one year anniversary today. After I got off work I went to the flower shop to get her favorite flower. I'm planning to ask her to marry me. I had the ring in my suit pocket. It was my grandmother's. It had a gold band and a diamond in the middle, and small little diamonds all around the band.
I walked home as fast as I could. I couldn't wait to see the look on her face. I got home and Bella was in the kitchen making dinner for us. I smiled and sat the plant on the table lightly. Then I walked over and hugged her from behind. "How was your day, Love?" I asked.
She smiled and leaned in against my touch. "Perfect. But one thing was missing…" She said. I frowned.
"What was that?" I asked.
"You." She said. She turned her head to kiss me on the lips. I started to deepen the kiss but she laughed and said, "Now, you don't want our dinner to be burnt do you?"
I smiled and kissed her one more time and I let go of her. Before she turned around with our dinner, I unwrapped the plant. When she turned around her face was the reaction I was looking for.
Her eyes got big, her mouth dropped into the small "o". Then she smiled.
I helped her set the table for dinner. When we were about finished eating dinner, I pulled out the ring and opened it. I got up and went down on one knee in front of her.
She looked down and gasped.
"Isabella Marie Swan. You're my life now. You've always have been my life from the moment I laid my eyes on you. Will you marry me?" I asked and I gave her crooked grin she always loved.
"Yes." she said. She hugged me romantically.
That was the first time Bella and I made love. I didn't know it was going to be our last.
OOO
It was late at night and I gotten home late from work and what I wasn't ready for is having Bella not home. I found a note on the table.
Edward,
I went to the market. I'll be back soon.
I love you,
Bella.
I didn't really think about her being gone. I was really tired from work and I decided to go upstairs to take a small nap before Bella got home.
OOO
I woke with a startle when I heard knocking on our door. I walked down the stairs and answered the door.
"Doctor Masen?" A man said.
I blinked a couple of times and looked at the man in front of me. He was wearing a blue uniform and another one by his side.
"Yes…?" I asked suspiciously.
"We don't need to bother you at this time of night but your fiancée Bella Swan as been a severe accident." He said.
"What? What accident?" I asked frantically.
"A car accident. She was walking home from what it seemed the grocery store and then a drunk driver came and hit her…" The police officer said.
My heart stopped beating.
"Is she okay?" I asked. The officer's exchanged glances.
"We came here to notify you that she has died from the accident."
I couldn't breathe. This couldn't be happening to me. I was supposed to marry. I was supposed to have babies with her. I was supposed to keep her safe…
OOO
Bella's funeral was held a few days after her death. Not many people came to it, just some distant relatives, and some acquaintances.
I had her buried under a maple tree in the cemetery. I planted her flower by her tombstone.
OOO
Bella died in November. I've hadn't been the same since. I never married, I never had children. My life was supposed to be with her. When she died, not only did she take her life, but she also took mine.
When we arrived at the cemetery the nurse helped me out of the van and carried the flower. She helped me up the hill where Bella's grave is. I kneeled the best that I could and I dug a hole by her tombstone and I planted her flower.
I stood up and leaned against the maple tree and looked up at the gray clouds.
"I'll see you again, Love." After I said that the nurse took me back to the van, helped me get in it, and took me back to the hospital.