xxx
Love. It's pointless.
xxx
Love is for the weak, those who need to feel special...those who need an escape .
So they meet someone, and for a while, things are good...
Then, there's a few, angry words...some harsh comments...and then just big fights.
And there's no escape.
You fight, you kiss, you make up...it's a never ending cycle.
xxx
That's all love is.
I've seen my parents fight, and scream at each other.
...If that's what love turns into then I don't want it.
Ever.
It always ends in you getting hurt.
xxx
I swore I'd never ever fall in love.
That's why I turned down Kirishma and my other fanboys.
I didn't care for them...
My plan was working...
My plan to get away from any boys that I could possibly fall for.
Harsh words and turning them down worked.
Boys have such fragile egos.
xxx
But there was one problem...
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'Hey Rima-chan.'
Nagihiko.
This boy would not leave me alone.
...and that was making me all...fluttery inside.
I knew that was a sign of a crush...which terrified me.
So I decided to be mean to him, and hope he'd leave me be...which made me feel upset.
See?
Love only brings pain.
xxx
'Hullo Purple head.'
'Rima-chan...why do you keep calling me that?'
So you'll leave me alone, so you'll ignore me, so you'll go away and I won't have to risk falling for you
xxx
'...because I want too.'
'Oh...okay.'
He walks over to Tadase, to talk about Guardian stuff.
I watch him go, feeling longing.
Which is stupid.
I'm not going to let myself near him...I cannot risk falling in love and getting hurt.
xxx
But really...the only thing that hurts me now...is being away from him...
xxx
Stupid, complicated heart!
Why can't you listen to my head!
xxx
Love is the Bull, Happiness is the China Shop
xxx
So very true.
Love gets rid of happiness
FACT.
xxx
Look at my mother and father.
They loved each other. Now all they do is fight, and hurt each other.
Look at Tadase.
He loved Amu. Now he has to watch her and Ikuto. That's gotta hurt.
Think about it ... at least 50% of married couples will get a divorce - I read that somewhere.
So what is the point...?
xxx
Why does everyone care about love so much anyway?
All those romance stories and everything ... it makes me want to vomit.
All that lovey-dovey mush.
How could anyone stomach it?
xxx
I believe in some love ... like between friends and family ...
Not the romantic stuff - no way!
Never.
None of it's real. It's just lust, desire and hormones.
Nothing else.
It's all crap.
xxx
Love also ruins friendships.
People fall for their friends all the time, and they can't say or do anything in case they ruin their friendship, and make things awkward.
And if two friends started going out, and broke up ... that's it.
No more them.
No more friendship.
xxx
I also hate love, because I don't know howto love someone.
I can't really remember life, before my parents started fighting all the time.
My life ended when that creep tried to kidnap me.
That's when the fighting started.
Now my parents are divorced, and I only have my mother.
xxx
Nagihiko, Nagihiko, Nagihiko ...
I love you, I love you, I love you ...
But I'll never tell him. Ever.
I wouldn't be able to cope with rejection. The humiliation.
Besides, even if he did have the same feelings, it wouldn't work out. Like I said, these things never do.
I don't say this in front of Amu and Utau ... they wouldn't agree. They believe it'll work out with Ikuto and Kukai.
Fools.
I expected Amu to feel that way ... but Utau?
I thought she'd hate love too ... it just seemed ...
Anyway, I was wrong.
xxx
There are only three people who know how I feel about love.
Kusukusu, Tadase and Yaya.
Though none of them fully agree, they see where I'm coming from.
Kusukusu, my chara, can feel my emotions anyway, so there's no way of hiding it from her.
Tadase ... Amu chose Ikuto, and now he's alone. Though he still believes he can find someone else someday - after all, he has plenty of time. We're only thirteen after all.
Yaya. I was suprised when she agreed with me. It's very out of character for her ... but she has been feeling down lately.
See, she had a crush on Kukai ... but he's with Utau, and Yaya knows that he sees her as a sister.
They don't know about my love for crossdresser though ... only Kusukusu knows, and she finds it funny.
She keeps begging me to confess, but I never will.
xxx
Kusukusu doesn't understand why I won't tell him. She thinks I'm being silly, trying to hide my feelings for Nagihiko.
She doesn't even try to hide her crush on Rythym.
My Shugo Chara is braver than me.
That's kinda sad.
I mean, she's just a part of me.
If she can be brave, I can too, right?
Wrong.
xxx
Deep down, I'm scared of loving someone.
I don't want to grow attached to someone ... and have the relationship end.
I cannot imagine how that would feel.
Mabye a million times worse than having an unrequited love.
I don't know, and I'm going to make sure I never find out.
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I'm also scared of not being good enough.
I love Nagihiko, and I find myself trying to be skinner, prettier, nicer, and funnier for him... then I stop.
No point.
I'm never going to have him. He's perfect.
I'm not.
Just because I try to become perfect, doesn't mean he'll love me back. He's seen the real me ...
... and I don't know how anyone can love that ...
It's impossible.
I'm a horrible, horrible person.
And I'm going to prove it to them all, so they'll never love me.
Starting with Nagihiko.
xxx
Crossdresser, Girly Boy, Purplehead, Gay Boy, Liar.
These are all of the things I call Nagihiko.
So he hates me.
And I hate him.
Then I'll never have to put up with all these ... feelings, and crap.
I'll be free from love. Free from pain.
Free from him.
xxx
I also hate Nagihiko, for making me love him.
It doesn't make sense, but neither does the idea of ''love''.
I want to punish him.
But I don't have too.
He will fall in love someday, and have to deal with the pain that brings.
And by then, I'll be over him.
So I'll win.
xxx
There. He's dating someone else now.
A pretty girl, who does dancing at his father's dance school.
I think she's good for him.
Better than me ...
They kiss, and I laugh.
It's a hollow sound, but a laugh all the same.
I win Nagihiko, I win. I think, smiling, That girl will break your heart someday, and I'll be fine! You'll suffer! I win! I win!
xxx
So ... why does it feel like I lost?
xxx