She shouldn't feel betrayed.
She's the villain in this equation. She's seen enough bad sci-fi movies to know that she's not the hero in this story. She's the antagonist, the monster, the evil twin. She's the arc that lasts for a little over a season, then if they have their way she will die in a fiery car crash. She's a traitor.
And yet, somehow, she still feels like the victim. She feels like someone has wronged her, and they need to pay.
But it's the other way around. It's completely the other way around. She has ruined this girl- this Other Olivia. She's taken away everything from her. She should feel some sort of satisfaction, right?
She can't, though. She can't feel proud of what she's done, because she just feels empty. She feels tired. She almost feels regret. Almost.
She knows the facts. The undeniable truths about those people. About Walter, about Peter. About her. They're bad people. All of them. They're intent on destroying her world and the people she loves. She was a hero. She took one for the team. She shouldn't have to feel like this. Like someone has entered her life and ripped it apart.
She's the perpetrator, not the victim. She doesn't have the right to feel like this.
XXX
Frank comes home two days after she makes it back. She's still adjusting to being home, to being herself again. She barely opens the apartment door when he picks her up and swings her around like they haven't seen each other in years. She used to hate when he did this, it made her feel like a little kid, but now she embraces him right back. She holds tight, pressing her face into his neck.
"God, I missed you." He whispers into her hair, pulling back and giving her a big kiss.
She responds in kind, but can't quite bring herself to profess how much she missed him too.
Later that night she lies awake for hours, unable to get comfortable with him in the bed too. It used to be the other way around, she used to sleep horribly when he was gone. But now it's all wrong; the way he holds her, the way he's too close to her. It just doesn't fit anymore.
So she tells him she's got lots of work to do and spends the next few nights looking over stuff on old cases on the couch. She feels a little guilty, but she doesn't know whether it's because she's not sleeping with Frank or if it's because she'd rather be sleeping next to Peter.
XXX
She feels left out at work. Lincoln and Charlie are the same as ever, still cracking jokes and poking fun at each other. But their jokes about her don't make sense anymore. They laugh about her 'going off the deep end', and she giggles and throws a verbal blow in return but she doesn't quite get it. Did the Other Olivia go crazy? Was it on the job? Did she hurt anyone?
It's not like she can ask those questions, though. Everyone at work is under the impression that she was there the whole time. Nothing's changed for them.
She wonders how the Other Olivia did at work. In her job. She must have found some huge breakthrough in a really important case, because Lincoln makes some remark to their new colonel about her 'brilliant discovery' regarding the Candyman case.
She smiles and plays along, but her insides are screaming with a million more questions. The Candyman came back? Did she catch him? What was it like?
It's not until later when she's lying on the couch pretending to do work that she dimly registers that Lincoln has never called her brilliant before.
XXX
The Secretary calls her in to see him on her fifth day back. He's very polite, asking her how she feels and if they need to run more tests to make sure she's holding up alright.
It's quite different from him scarfing down pastries and trying make a chocolate cow.
He asks her if she's willing to do something else for him. By now she's been in his office for a good 20 minutes, and she's figured out that it must be something important otherwise he wouldn't have pretended to fawn over her well-being for so long.
"Of course, sir." She responds, ever the eager soldier.
He tells her that, with her permission of course, he'd like to pump her full of drugs and stick her in a tank of water.
Her mind is telling her that this is the most ridiculous idea she's ever heard, but she can still hear her voice agree to do it.
Walter- no, he's the Secretary Over Here- is delighted. She half expects him to dance, but then she remembers that this is the sane Walter Bishop.
At least, that's what she tells herself as she walks out of there with a bottle of pills and the instructions to take one every 12 hours.
XXX
The Other Olivia is special. She's able to cross between worlds, the Secretary says, a result of her being experimented on as a child.
She doesn't think that the logical response to that is to experiment on an adult, but she keeps that thought to herself.
As she lies on the table, needles pushing the red liquid into her body she realizes she can blame Walter for all of this. Not the Walter Bishop of the other side, the one who likes cows and raspberry jam and is just a little crazy, but in the best way possible. No, she can blame this Walter Bishop, the cold, calculated one on her side who wears dark suits and enjoys sticking people in tubs of water. It's his fault she's here today, it's his fault she had to go Over There and live someone elses life, and it's his fault they came here in the first place. If he had just left Peter Over There, she would have gone on living in blissful ignorance. She never would have met this Other Olivia, never would have had to worry about whether her boyfriend liked her better, or if her partners would rather have her on their team. Her life would be like it used to be. She could still be happy.
And maybe it's because her brain is so preoccupied with thinking about her that nothing happens in the tank. The Secretary pulls her out after an hour, hands her a towel and tells her they'll do it again next week.
It's not going to work next week, she wants to tell him. It's never going to work. I'm not her. I can't do what she can do. She's special. I'm not.
But she just nods silently and goes to get dressed.
XXX
She must be acting incredibly different at work, because Charlie corners her one day in the locker room.
"Are you sure you're feeling alright?" He asks, blocking her in the doorway.
She knows she could answer truthfully. Or, almost truthfully. She could tell him she's still recovering from that 'complete psychotic break' and she's just lost every sense of her identity and feels completely and utterly alone. She could tell him she hasn't gotten a full nights rest in two weeks, or that she hasn't eaten since dinner last night. She could tell him she wants to do nothing more than take a shower from the inside out.
But she doesn't.
"I'm fine, Charlie." She manages a smile, grabbing her bag off the ground and attempting to push past him. He grabs her arm and stops her before she's completely out the door.
"Liv," He warns. "Talk to me."
There it is again. A chance to talk about everything that's been bothering her since she got back. Hell, she can tell Charlie the whole truth, she knows he won't tell anyone else. She probably trusts him the most. It would be easy, she could skip the little details she doesn't want to think about and just talk about how she feels being back. How it's like everyone's changed. She could, but once again she lets that door close.
"I'm just feeling a little sick." She smiles again, patting him on the arm. "Thanks, though."
XXX
She breaks up with Frank four weeks after she gets back.
It's not quite a 'breaking up' as it is a 'mutual agreement that things are just in the crapper'. She's being distant, and he's nothing like she remembers.
He tries to fight it at first. He tells her he can take less trips, he'll stay with her some more. She'd rather him yell at her, he's being far too nice about this.
"Is it something I did?" He asks, running his hands up her arms.
She doesn't pull away, letting the comforting gesture continue. "No, of course not. You were wonderful." She crosses her arms, finally losing contact with him."But I think... you've changed. You've been different, lately." She wants to be able to justify this. She's not losing her only source of happiness just because she thinks she deserves to be miserable.
He smiles sort of sadly, pressing a kiss on the top of her head. "No, Livvy, you've changed."
XXX
She's sulking in Central Park when Lincoln finds her.
She doesn't even say anything when he sits down next to her.
"You're not even going to ask if I'm stalking you?"
She cracks a small smile, turning to look at him.
"Oh, I already know you're stalking me."
For a few seconds she feels normal. It's almost like nothing ever went wrong, like she never changed. And then the emptiness washes over her again and she ducks her head back towards her chest. She briefly entertains the idea of telling him too, but she knows that if she couldn't tell Charlie the truth she's not going to be able to tell him. She's trusts both of them for different reasons, but Peter is quickly becoming a topic she wants to keep off-limits.
"So, are you feeling any better?"
Right, she's supposed to be feeling sick. Which she is, of course, but it's a different kind of sick. She opens her mouth to say, once more, that she's fine, but something else comes out. Something entirely too close to the truth.
"Do you ever wonder about who you are?"
He frowns for a moment, scooting a bit closer to her. "I don't think so, no." She feels his eyes flick over her, but she keeps her gaze staring at the ground. "Do you?"
She nods thoughtfully, clasping her hands together. "I'm not sure who I am." She mumbles, hands slipping out from her lap. "I think I used to, but after..." She trails off, not quite able to talk about that yet.
She's never know him to not be curious, though. "After what?"
She doesn't answer, deciding instead to focus all her willpower on not breaking down in front of him.
"Liv?"
She shakes her head, willing him to take the hint and leave. The bench creeks as he stands up, and she feels him place a hand on her shoulder.
"Livvy, I'm here if you need me."
A soft groan that was probably intended as an "Alright, thanks" comes out. She hears the footsteps get further and further away, and only then does she let the first tear fall.
And then it's just like she can't stop it. She hasn't cried like this since Rachel died (Actually, she doesn't think she's cried at all since Rachel died, but that's a whole different issue), and yet here she is. Sobbing her heart out on a park bench.
This is a new low, even for her.
XXX
Things don't really ever go back to normal. She supposes that after living as someone else for two months, you can't really ever get back to the way it used to be.
Unfortunately, it takes two more months before she actually realizes that.
The Secretary's tests continue for six weeks before she finally says no.
If she hasn't done anything particularly spectacular in six weeks, she reasons, it's not going to happen at all.
He isn't pleased, of course, with her decision, but she refuses to back down. After seeing him snack on Red Vines and sing in his lab, he's not terribly threatening to her anymore. And she's not entirely convinced he's the savior of their world anymore, either. It's become very clear that saving this world means nothing to him; it's all about destroying the other one.
He's the villain. He's the monster, the bad guy. He never cared about her, he only cared about hurting the people that had hurt him. She can't let him win.
Peter was right. There's got to be another way. She's got to believe there's another way.
It's her only hope, too.
So I definitely didn't intend for that to be much more than a drabble... but these things get a little out of hand, xD.
I do think we need to spend a little more time with Bolivia on the show. I actually really like her. I know the majority of the fandom seems to despise her but I think she's quite interesting. I really like the idea of her being incredibly similar to Olivia, but maybe just a bit more upbeat and happy. I hope they show what she's like back in her own universe now that the Olivia's have switched again. I really want to see how she's feeling after this whole shenanigan.