Ship: Voldemort/Giant Squid
Setting: Post-Hogwarts and Flashback to Hogwarts
Required Item: Hot chocolate
Required Phrase: "Who did you have 'experience' with? The giant squid?"
Disclaimer: All characters etc. belong to JK Rowling. Please don't sue me.
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CHAPTER ONE
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"Okay, today's to do list…"
The Death Eater bowed so low his greasy nose rubbed against the carpet. Voldemort grimaced.
"Yes, my Lord" he practically whispered in reverence.
"Yes, yes," Voldemort waved him off, "in any case. Kill Rookwood – he spilled coffee all over my shirt yesterday. Tell that giant that if he wants us to join with him, he'll have to enunciate proper English. Tell that spooky looking dementor at the front door for the millionth time that no, we cannot feed him a stadium just yet. And…" he paused, a thoughtful expression on his face.
"Yes, my Lord?" he asked in worshipful anticipation.
"Get me a chai latte."
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"My Lord?"
There seemed to be some far off, distant voice calling…
"My Lord?"
Slowly but surely, Wormtail's face came into view. It took all of his willpower to stifle a groan.
"What is it, Wormtail?" He rasped out. His voice was always a little broken after a long nap.
"That reporter from The Daily Prophet is here for the interview you scheduled, sir," Wormtail squeaked, before scurrying off to hurriedly open the doors… to admit none other than Rita Skeeter.
"He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named," she greeted coolly before settling into an armchair across from his.
"Well. Let's get right to it, shall we?" she remarked as she dug a green quill and some parchment out of her purse.
Her right elbow placed strategically on her knee and her expression one of shrewd curiosity, Rita peered at him through her glasses.
"So. Tell me briefly about your early life."
"Well," Lord Voldemort hesitantly began, "I was born in a common, filthy, Muggle orphanage. But deep down inside, I always knew I was destined for great things. I went to Hogwarts, killed the family I had that was yet living, and decided to be a Dark Lord."
"A Muggle orphanage? The greatest Dark wizard of all time was born in a Muggle orphanage? Were you Muggle-born?"
Voldemort recoiled in scandalized horror.
"Most certainly not!" he replied indignantly, "I am the last remaining descendent of Salazar Slytherin!"
Rita made a skeptical noise. Angered, he was about to quickly retort with a good bit of crucio, when she hurriedly moved on.
"What do you consider to be your most important accomplishment to date?"
A dreamy look settled on Voldemort's face.
"Well, there was that bit of amazing dramatics that I pulled off a few years ago."
"You don't say," Rita remarked, her face hidden behind parchment as she scribbled vigorously. "And what would that be?"
"Oh, well, my re-emergence, of course! It was done in just the right way, with just the right lines and cues! I couldn't have done it better if I hadn't planned it! Wormwood bowed low as I came out, fully formed again (which was a relief, let me tell you) and then I gave my little line to the Potter boy about my father. It was all perfectly, dramatically done."
"You mention dramatics quite frequently… is there a reason you empathize that particular word?"
"Well," he paused. "It was always a childhood ambition of mine to go into theatre."
"You don't say!" Rita exclaimed.
"Indeed, I do!" he replied quite indignantly. "Right after I staged the killing of Billy Stubb's stupid pet rabbit, I said to myself, 'Tom, you had just better go into the stage business, because that was an amazing bit of theatrics!'"
"Uh… right," she said rather uncertainly. Quickly, she resumed her brusque, business-like attitude.
"Well, although this seems like quite a silly question," she smirked, "I have to ask… did you ever have any 'romantic experiences'?"
She paused, staring intently at her crowded, ink-covered parchment, expecting an answer. When she received none, she glanced up. Rita was startled to find that Lord Voldemort's countenance had taken on a grave, far away look.
"Indeed…" he said quietly, "I did".
Needless to say, Rita was momentarily surprised, but she recovered and hurriedly began writing. The Dark Lord – in love?
"Well, what a surprise," she said, cynicism ringing through her voice. "Who did you have 'experience' with? The giant squid?"
With a curse, Voldemort realized a significantly noticeable blush was darkening on his face.
Actually… he thought, as his memories took him back to a long, long time ago, when he was still merely a boy of twelve…