If you haven't already read this on the tf2chan, then you may enjoy reading it here. This is quite possibly the silliest thing I have ever written. But that is what fanfiction is for, isn't it? Enjoy!
It had been Soldier's scheme. Perhaps not the craziest scheme the delusional military man had ever devised, but it was definitely in the top ten. He'd spent a sleepless night refining the details and drawing out schematics for the team meeting scheduled at oh' nine hundred that morning.
It was a masterwork. A combat strategy that would make Sun Tzu himself weep at the sheer flawlessness of it. Solder had never been more ready to address his troops.
He had spent the past hour explaining it with obsessive detail. The RED team was currently losing to the BLU's by a 0.05% margin, and to the RED Soldier this was unacceptable. He had devised a foolproof system that would ensure every member of the team would pull their weight. Malingerers would be punished in the most punitive method Soldier could devise. As he had expected, there was some resistance. That's what happened when you ran a nancy team of liberals and girl scouts.
"I have taken the preemptive liberty of requisitioning additional supplies. Maybe this time you ladies will think again the next time you decide to dishonour your country by losing."
Demoman was the first to break the silence.
"I'm open to new idea's an' everything, but ye've gone daffy. Ye can't seriously expect us tae go along with this?"
Medic pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "I am afraid I have to agree with Herr Demoman. This is ludicrous. I vill have no part in it."
"Yeah!" Piped in Scout, always compelled to contribute an opinion. "I ain't doin' none of that crap. Count me out."
Soldier smacked his shovel down onto the boardroom table. Insubordination would not be tolerated. "I see you maggots enjoy the taste of failure! You make me sick. I'd shoot every one of you dead right now if there wasn't a contractual clause preventing me."
"Well, if I could play devil's advocate for a moment fellas. Maybe this here plan ain't so silly?"
All heads turned Engineers way. He tried to ignore the embarrassment he felt defending Soldier's looney idea. "All I'm sayin' is that I know I'd try harder if this directive hung over my head. Wouldn't everyone?"
No one could argue with that. They all sat around the table fidgeting and avoiding eye contact.
Soldier however, was thrilled that someone could see the genius in this ploy. "That was a commendable speech private! The rest of you princesses should take a page out of Engineer's book. A man's book. Written by a man."
"Well that's the bloody point, innit? None of us want to prance about like sheilas. We're men!" Argued Sniper.
"I see." Mused Spy while he took a long drag on his cigarette. "Ze goal is to 'umiliate us until our performance improves. A valid strategy, if not a sound one."
"Nah uh! No way. Forget it." Scout was resolute.
Heavy frowned, his mind slowly catching up with the conversation. "So… if we wear these clothes, we will crush more of coward BLU team? Is strange, but if works I could try…"
"I say we vote on it." Engineer folded his arms and looked at the rest of the team in defiance. "Heck, if it means we'll win more battles, I'm willin' to try anything."
"I like your thinking," shouted Soldier. "We'll do this the American way. With DEMOCRACY! Once again, you've done me proud private." He saluted Engineer with perfect form.
Engineer smiled back weakly.
The votes were as follows: Demoman, Medic, Scout and Sniper were steadfast against the idea. The more open-minded members to vote in favour were Soldier, Engineer, Heavy and Spy.
The future of the RED team's masculinity hung in the balance with one vote.
Everyone looked at Pyro with baited breath.
"Well, what's it gonna be ya mumbling freak?" Demanded Scout. He didn't have a very high tolerance for suspense.
Pyro tilted his head to the side and hummed as he gave it more thought. "Mmmphh hudda."
And if that was unclear, he presented the team with a shiny thumbs up.
It was settled. Operation Lady Clothes was a-go.
The rule was simple. The team member who achieved the least kills for the day would be subjected to the ultimate shame; wearing women's clothing until the next battle. Whether the team won or lost was irrelevant. The loser of a winning team was still a loser.
In Soldier's opinion there was no better way to man someone up than to completely emasculate him. There was only one thing that was worse than being a hippie freeloader, and that was being a woman. He had watched over these men for long enough now that he knew their weaknesses and insecurities. He had personally handpicked clothes that reflected these flaws and would eventually (if his military training manual was correct), eliminate them.
It was an ironic twist of fate when ultimately it was Soldier who was the first to fall under the wrath of this tyrannical new law. A day of barking at his men to stop gossiping about lipstick had left him short on time to annihilate the opposition. He'd spent so much time striking the fear of God into the RED team that he hadn't paid attention to the kill tally. At the end of the day everyone was in for a surprise.
Soldier had the least kills of the day.
Despite the humiliating condition of this rule, he managed to take it with every ounce of dignity. He held his head high as he did the walk of shame.
Scout wolf-whistled as he tottered into the common room. "Oh yeah baby. Move those legs."
Spy tilted his head in appreciation. "My, my Soldier. I would not 'ave though zhat fishnet stockings would suit you so well. And you make walking in such impractical shoes look effortless. Magnifique!"
Despite his feminine clothing, Soldier refused to part with his helmet. It hung over his eyes and helped to partially obscure his burning cheeks. "I hope you're all getting a good look maggots! It will be your turn soon."
"You're lucky I'm a gentleman Solly," teased Engineer, "a lesser man would throw you on the table and have his way with you."
Soldier subconsciously pulled down the back of his black mini-skirt. It had the infuriating habit of riding up whenever he walked faster than a snails pace. His fishnets and fuck-me boots were complimented with a pink boob-tube stuffed with coconut halves (for authenticity). Unfortunately Soldier just didn't have the figure to pull it off.
"Leetle man is now leetle lady." Chuckled Heavy. "In Motherland women do not wear these things. Is too cold."
"I am not certain any self-respecting fräulein would wear such clothing." Frowned Medic. "Zhis whole experiment is fraught with unprofessional theatrics."
"Ahh, Medic's jus' jealous." Said Demoman. "Don't ye listen to 'im Soldier. Ye lookin' mighty fine."
Sniper lewdly suggested a chest wax. It was a comment too far for Soldier's already bruised ego and it earned the Australian an impromptu fistfight. The team was quick to surround the scuffling pair, cheering and egging them on with explicit suggestions.
Sprawled out across Sniper, Soldier's skirt took on a mind of it's own and hiked up his waist to expose a pair of overly muscular, fishnet clad buttocks. It was possibly the most erotic sight the team had witnessed since moving to the base, and that was a depressing thought.
Despite his handicap, Soldier emerged the victor. Sniper could only lie there and take it. He just didn't have the heart to hit a lady.