Bleach and all its components are property of Tite Kubo.
Taifeng Raidon is property of aheartstruecolours.
"The Mess I Made" is property of Parachute
i'm staring at the mess i made,
as you turn,
you take your heart and walk away.
i should've held my ground, The Mess I Made - Parachute
i could've been redeemed for every second chance
that changed its mind on me.
i should've spoken up,
i should've proudly claimed
that all my head is to blame for all my hearts mistakes
I lay awake, gazing out into the moonless night sky from the comfort and warmth of bed; thinking of how quickly things change, realizing that letting go doesn't necessarily mean giving up, and looking back on how things could've been.
Once, when I had dreams, they were like a pile of cerulean threads in the darkest confines of my subconscious. Desperately, I wanted them to become tangled with those of another, so knotted and twisted and snarled that they could never be separated.
Desperately, I wanted to be a part of Ichigo Kurosaki, substitute shinigami of Soul Society.
I had first met the volatile teenager at the warehouse home of the Vizards. My home. Roughly two centuries ago, give or take a couple decades, I had been a part of Seireitei. I had been Kidōshū Sōshi, Commander of the Kidō Corps. I did things that I am not proud of. But I don't regret them either.
I had become a part of the plan initiated by Kisuke Urahara and Yoruichi Shihōin, the plan to become Hollowfied, willingly. I helped create the Hōgyoku so I could become the first Vizard.
I had personally trained with Kurosaki-kun, saved Lisa Yadōmaru from him when he fell to his Inner Hollow; saved him from his Inner Hollow.
That was enough to get him to notice me, to really notice me. I knew he was watching every time; and I began to add a sway to my hips, a glimmer to my eyes. And eventually, he began to take interest. It started with talks, about nothing or everything. It progressed to sneaking glances and kisses and touches.
Later, I found myself sleeping in the arms of Ichigo Kurosaki. Hands would begin to roam and moans would begin to sound and soon we had made a decision that changed both of us.
But it wasn't enough to make him love me. He cut every feeble attempt I made to intertwine the threads, showing me that he had no wish to further our relationship. So I stopped.
And filled myself to the brim with emptiness.
I sat in the warehouse with my mask on always. I stopped speaking. I gave up on myself.
But I could feel someone else tugging on the threads, someone I didn't think I would ever see again. Shūhei Hisagi came looking for me. He was tugging on the strings and I was letting him because he was giving me the sick attention I had been searching for in Ichigo.
He pulled me from the wreckage of my silent reverie. He was there everyday, and eventually, he brought me back to Seireitei. I became the Lieutenant of the Thirteenth Division, to be strictly monitored by Shūhei-kun and Jūshirō Ukitake. Shūhei-kun had lied for me, said I had been kidnapped and forced into Hollowfication. But he knew the truth. He deserved it.
At first, I hated him for it. For accepting me. For loving me, when Ichigo could not. I remembered him from my time in Soul Society, we had drank sake with Rangiku Matsumoto often. I had though him an asshole, so willing taking me into his home and loving me selflessly.
So I returned the feelings, or pretended to at least, to keep the attention. I kept letting him touch me in ways only Ichigo had and I kept whispering those eight letter lies, because I knew it was exactly what he wanted to hear. I knew it was exactly what would keep him with me.
And suddenly, Shūhei wasn't the asshole anymore, I was; and I kept tying those fake knots between our heartstrings because I knew I could. I could tell he was falling, but I just watched him, watched him lose his grip on his understanding of what it was he truly wanted.
Time passed.
Ichigo tamed his Hollow and saved Karakura Town from Aizen Sōsuke and his army of Arrancar and Espada, for the time being. I did not participate in the battle, though I was informed of the participation of the Vizards by Yamamoto-sama. I was also informed of the casualties, the loss of life from not only the Arrancar army, but from our own. It was heartbreaking, and when I learned of Shūheis' participation in the battle I was furious. My fear provoked me, and I began to contemplate cutting the threads that were holding him to me, instead of waiting for it to end up the other way around. I told Shūhei of my fears, and he assured me he would never leave. His words still rang in my ears;
"I'll show you how a heart can never fail, never change. I'll never change."
One day, I saw something that caused me to doubt not Shūhei, but myself. The frayed ends of the severed knots in the vibrant orange hair of Ichigo Kurosaki as he ventured deep into Seireitei. He was what I had thought I wanted, but when I did not immediately pursue him, I began to reconsider.
At that precise moment, I had realized two things; two simple things that changed the course of my life forever. I had become everything I hated and everything I had ever wanted to be at the exact same time; and I had fallen irreversibly, irrevocably, unconditionally in love with Hisagi Shūhei.
I rolled away from the unwavering gaze of the moon, and into the arms of the man that I loved more than I could ever hope to love myself.
Before him, I had never known what it felt like to smile for no reason when I looked at someone, but as the Cheshire grin spread across my dimpled cheeks, I realized that none of that mattered anymore, because I did now.
I inhaled deeply, the smell of sake and a rugged cologne filling my nose.
I closed my cerulean eyes, and prepared to inch my way into his arms when they grasped my hips roughly and pulled me in, eliciting a breathless gasp from my plump lips. The contact was sensual, his calloused thumbs rubbing circles over my protruding hipbones before sliding up my sides beneath the silk nightgown I was wearing as he pulled me even closer.
Chiseled muscles pressed into the unmarred porcelain skin of my abdomen as my hands found their way around his neck and my legs around his waist. I buried my head into the junction of his neck and broad shoulders, feeling tiny in his grasp.
"Shūhei-kun.." He didn't respond for a moment, and I was considering repeating myself when he finally spoke up, voice gravelly and gruff in comparison to my own soft voice.
"Yes, Taifeng-chan?"
Leaning back so I could look into his charcoal eyes, I smiled. He looked confused for a moment, and then began to nibble at my neck and collarbone, biting each of my dermal piercings before moving up to my mouth, kissing roughly until I bit him, causing him to jerk back and growl. Licking the blood from his lip, I kissed him, softly; my coral lips moving against his in a gentle cycle. I felt him smile into the kiss, and I drew back for a moment, to just stare. He looked at me for a moment, but said nothing.
Carefully, I drew myself up again, and as he moved to kiss me I moved to the side just a bit, so I cheeks slid across each other. My mouth was right next to his ear, and I decided to do something crazy, do something I knew I may regret, do something I knew may cause me to hurt. But what hurts more, saying something and wishing I had not or saying nothing and wishing I had? So I took a chance.
"I love you, Shūhei-kun."
reviews are appreciated.
/aheartstruecolours.
author notes :
- ito is the Japanese word for 'thread'
- taifeng is the Japanese word for 'hurricane'
- i may make a novel length story, depending on feedback