Aang took a deep breath, then let it out with a sigh. Katara hadn't spoken a word to him since they had left Ba Sing Se. This could have been such a great chance.. so why did things have to turn out like this?
When the plan had first come up, Aang couldn't have been more excited. Meeting Guru Pathik to achieve full control over the Avatar State was one thing... and he knew that this was big and important and that somewhere inside he was supposed to feel rather anxious. Yet, the side effect of this parting of ways had been much more prominent to him: Katara was going to join him (part of the way at least) and to Aang this was a prospective far more thrilling than his actual destination. Aang had been wanting to be alone with Katara since – well, it felt like forever. Unfortunately this had proven to be a rather challenging wish, considering how crowded things turned out to be when you spent most of your time sharing a four square-meter saddle with three other people (and a lemur) many feet above sea level. In kind of a bitter way the irony was amusing him sometimes how there could be this little space when there was nothing but space around you.
Of course Aang didn't resent this little group of his for inhibiting his share of privacy with what he was sure was the love of the his life. On the contrary, he loved Sokka and Toph just as much as he loved Katara and he would always enjoy their company; Yet, making a move on the girl he liked wasn't any more simple with everyone always around... and the fact that one part of this company was said girl's big brother certainly didn't help! This is why Aang had been so excited when he learned that, when everyone was going to split up temporarily, Katara was still going to be with him for another while. It was also what had lead them to this awkward silence.
Just when things had been decided, Katara had suddenly offered letting Sokka take her place to go with Aang and meet their farther, by which she had gracefully managed to catapult the young airbender on the rack. Sokka hadn't helped the situation one bit, showing nothing but excitement about the offer before – after many torturous seconds – he finally refused, insisting that he was the strategist of the group, making him the more suited one to stay for preparations. It was then, that Aang had expressed his approval a little too enthusiastically for Katara's taste... and now all she considered him was a (rather noisy) sexist, who didn't reckon a woman fit to work out war strategies.
Aang's fingers fumbled with the cord in his hand absently as he turned slightly from where he was sitting on Appa's head, to look over his shoulder regrettably. Katara was seated against the rim of the saddle, her arms crossed before her chest and her lids closed. She wasn't asleep though. Aang could clearly tell from the huffed expression on her face. It was rather that she had shut her eyes for the sole purpose of not paying attention to those surrounding her – meaning him. For another moment he studied the young waterbender's features, from her slightly furrowed brows to the subtle pout on her lips, then Aang sighed again, turning his gaze back ahead. Even with the others not around, it seemed like they could still use some space...
He twirled his arm a little as he pulled on the cord, signaling Appa to go down and of course it didn't take long for Katara to notice the change of altitude.
"Don't you think it's a little early to make a break?" she finally questioned, her voice thick with irritation of being forced to break the silent treatment.
Aang didn't turn around as he waved an uncaring hand at the girl, brushing off her objection.
"Appa's tired" he replied rather uneloquently.
He was the one feeling tired, really. Tired of this situation at least and certainly too tired to engage in a discussion. Yet, somehow he couldn't let go of this hope that they might still get to spend some quality time together, that is, if they had enough time together at all. Aang was aware that it would have been possible to still reach Katara's destination this same day, so throwing in an early night of camping was the only thing he could think of to buy himself time. All he could hope for was for her mood to have lightened up by tomorrow. This was all just a silly misunderstanding after all and she had to come to realise that.
o-o-o
It was late at night, when Katara woke from her sleep, irritated by the steady rustling of Aang rolling around. In the remaining light of the campfire she looked over at the boy a little away from her who was lying on his back, forlornly staring up to the star-lit sky before he searched for a more comfortable position another time. Faintly she saw his small figure flinch when she began to speak to him in a slightly annoyed tone.
"Would you stop that?"
Katara put up her arms to pillow her head as she continued her remark with newly closed eyes.
"It was your idea to rest for the night, now let's go to sleep and get this over with."
"S-Sorry" Aang stuttered, staring at the dark ground before him "I'm just..."
His voiced seemed to die down a little before Katara barely caught the rest of his words, almost inaudible with him facing away.
"I'm just nervous is all..."
Aang was nervous. Going to the lengths to keep Katara around for another day, he knew he had to take action soon if he didn't want this opportunity to go to waste. He wanted to tell Katara how he felt, more than anything in the world, but with how things had been going this day, all of this seemed to become borderline impossible.
There were a few moments of silence before he heard Katara's voice again, this time sounding a little more soft.
"Can't sleep?"
Aang's insides twisted a little at the question. Of course he couldn't sleep. Who would be able to sleep if they knew they had to confess their love to someone the very next day, mulling over hundreds of possibilities of how they could be rejected. There was no way that Aang could explain himself right now though, feeling disappointed and insecure; Tired on top of it, yet not sleepy at all... He curled up a little as he simply shook his head as much as lying on his side would allow it. Katara couldn't have seen the gesture either way with her eyes still closed, yet she recognised her company's answer, listening to the rustling caused by his change of bearing and the rhythmic sound of his cheek brushing over the blanket beneath him.
Katara slowly turned to her side now, opening her eyes again to look at the back of the huddled boy.
"I'm sorry Aang" she finally spoke.
Aang quickly rolled around, looking at Katara incredulously as he seemed to be trying to find the meaning behind those words in her expression. Katara looked back at him sternly with a mix of realisation and regret, then she pushed herself up into a sitting position.
"I'm sorry" she repeated a little more sadly. "You'll meet Guru Pathik soon to learn control over the Avatar State so that you can fight the Firelord and all I've been doing was making things harder on you."
Aang quickly shot up, feeling obligated to clarify this misunderstanding.
"Wait, Katara, that's not what this is ab-"
"It's ok, Aang." The girl cut him off insistently, convinced that he was just being his polite self. "I mean, you will have to learn to bear such a powerful force and if you don't succeed, the whole world will be doomed! It's just natural for you to be nervous!"
Aang's palm quickly found his forehead as he took in Katara's words, realising that this was indeed a considerable factor that he hadn't yet paid attention to. He ran his hand down his face as he imagined all the possibilities of how this could go wrong, his pulse shooting high at the mere thought of all the responsibility that lay in him and this forthcoming encounter.
"And I've been so petty to be dwelling on a little grudge..." Katara continued unwaveringly "when there's a WAR going on out there-"
"It's ok, Katara, really!" Aang sputtered desperately, trying to stop the unnerving rant as he slumped back down to lie flat on his back. He shivered when the cold from the ground suddenly sank deep into his form and his gaze turned to the stars again where the sky seemed to be looming much darker and a lot more intimidating all of a sudden... If Aang hadn't been nervous before, he sure as hell was now!
It took him a moment to realise that Katara had indeed quieted down now, so Aang rolled back to his side to look at her again. When his eyes met the sight of the girl, his heart sank another time. She sat with her arms wrapped around her legs, resting her head on her knees, her expression reflecting so much sadness and sorrow that it caused him more pain than her words had caused him fear before. The low fire flickered up tiredly once and again, causing shadows to line up with the grievous furrows that spread over her features. Aang studied the look on her face hurtingly before he finally found his voice to try and comfort the girl.
"It's the Avatar State, isn't it?" he spoke cautiously. Katara had told him she was worried about it before, back by Omashu, where General Fong had tried to provoke it by force. She had only seen Aang get in this state when his emotions were overwhelming him and she couldn't bear the thought of him hurting like he had before.
"You're worried."
"You remember..." Katara replied with a hushed voice, a little smile playing over her mournful features before she went thoughtful again. "It's not just that though, it's all of it. People are suffering in this war every day - just like we did when we lost our mother." Her hands grasped her legs a little tighter at the memory. "I can't imagine you going through something like this again, just to end this war, but... I also couldn't imagine it not... ending..."
Aang looked over at Katara's form sadly for a few moments, not really sure what to say as she remained silent herself. Then suddenly, her voice captured his attention again, sounding out loud and clear.
"What are we doing here?" she almost exclaimed, a hint of ironic amusement audibly clear in her tone. "Getting all down and gloomy, when you can't sleep already!"
Aang laughed a little feignedly, then fell silent when Katara suddenly wiggled out of her sleeping bag and got up. The young monk watched curiously as she walked to Appa's saddle and pulled out a rolled-up blanket from their luggage.
"What is it? Do you want to leave?" Aang finally asked kind of nervously.
"No, you should probably get some sleep" Katara replied gently as she returned with the blanket under her arm. Aang scooted back a little when the girl picked up her sleeping bag and laid it out right next to him, before kneeling down on it and untangling the bundle in her hands. When she next smiled at him warmly, Aang couldn't help but blush slightly at the sudden closeness and this somewhat alleviating change of mood.
"You're too nervous to sleep and I'm too worried" Katara resumed softly. "We could probably both use some company and comfort right now."
Aang's blush rose to a whole new proportion as his mind grasped Katara's intention. He was just glad, that the dim light would probably prevent her from noticing this colourful display of his emotions. Timidly he agreed with a nod before he lay down stiffly, so Katara could sink onto the bedding next to him and spread out the extra blanket over them both.
"Good night, Aang" she whispered as she loosely draped an arm over the boy's little frame, making Aang tense all over. Bashfully he rolled away to his side, causing Katara to snuggle up to him from behind.
Great... Aang thought miserably. Now this will surely help me sleep...
Even though Aang was sure that, with the way his heart was thundering in his chest, he probably wouldn't survive this night, he still started to truly enjoy the company very soon. Katara had finally forgiven him, her closeness was good prove to that, and the warm body pressed against him from behind was indeed rather comforting, excluding the state of how his heart was trying to break through his ribcage of course. A small wave of heat rushed through his body as he felt a little arousal creep over him. Aang knew that this wasn't just him being a pre-teen with a girl pegged flush to his body. What was more was the fact, that said girl was the one he had such genuine feelings for. Slowly he closed his eyes to concentrate on his breathing, slowing down his pulse as his chest began to rise and fall in a soothing, steady rhythm. Aang was aware that feeling aroused was out of place right now. He was still a kid and so was she, he himself had told Katara that when they had first met; Also Aang already knew that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with this girl and he had no intention of rushing through it.
"Katara..." he spoke with a hushed voice when he felt himself getting back in control of his physical state. "There's something I wante-"
Aang quickly quieted down when he heard a little wheeze from behind him and the rhythmic rise and fall of Katara's chest against his back suddenly made him realise, that she was already asleep. He closed his eyes smiling. Maybe he wasn't supposed to tell her right now, then that was ok. There would still be time tomorrow and at least for now he didn't feel the least bit nervous anymore. For a while Aang listened to the rhythmic breathing of the girl behind him, just indulging in this moment of comfort and affection, then he carefully lifted her arm a little to stealthily scoot out from underneath it. He placed Katara's hand back down on the bedding, rolling around to face the girl and for a moment Aang just lay there, pillowing his head with his hands and contemplating his company's sleeping face. He felt almost mesmerized with how peaceful Katara looked now, no furrow or frown tinting her youthful features. It made him think of how much still lay ahead of them.
Aang chuckled softly. He wanted to grow old and wrinkly with her, where kids would go 'ew' at the sight of them still showing their affection for one another, the lines on their faces telling the story of their lives.
The fire flickered up briefly, casting a shadow over Katara's features for only a short moment, yet Aang, shaken from his trance, couldn't help but fix his eyes on the flames. Somehow reality started to catch up with him now. He was going to fight the Firelord, but what would happen if he died? What would happen to Katara, if he...
It didn't just mean that he wouldn't be able to be there for her anymore. If he died, it meant that he had lost. He would leave Katara behind in a world reigned by a never-ending war.
Aang rose his hand to her face where he brushed over her soft skin, so feather-lightly that only his skilfulness as a master airbender enabled him of the gentleness of this touch. All the expressions that her face had borne today came to his mind. Anger. Regret. Worry. Grief. Somehow he imagined Katara's aged face, speaking of a life full of these emotions.
If he lost...
His finger moved to the back of her nose, where her skin would wrinkle a little when she felt irritated. Carefully he traced his fingertip upwards, over the spot where her brows would furrow deeply when she was angry and a little higher when she was scared or crying. Then his hand moved to her forehead, lingering there, where a frown would claim it's place when she was plagued by worries. No, this wasn't the life that Aang wanted for Katara. If Aang was the one responsible for creating Katara's future...
Slowly his fingers wandered down to the corner of her eye where little lines would appear when she was laughing with all her heart. Aang's own features grew a little softer now at the thought. Carefully his finger slid a little further, soon tracing the shape of a half-moon around the corner of her lips, like he remembered seeing when Katara was smiling. If Aang had any say in the course of this girl's life, this was what he wanted for her. He drew his hand away from the young waterbender's face now, letting it float back down to the blanket he was lying on. His eyes wandered over her features again, following the path of his hand another time and suddenly Aang knew exactly what he had to do. What he's had to do all this time. He wasn't supposed to be with Katara right now, not yet at least. Not if he wanted a life for her.
With a soft blow of air Aang propelled himself to his feet before hasting to Appa's side. He padded the sleeping bison's head carefully as he reached for his staff that was sticking out from the saddle. Once more his eyes fell on Katara's sleeping form, bringing new confidence to his resolution.
"Take good care of her now" he whispered to his trusty companion. Then, soundlessly, the young airbender flung his staff into the air where it's wings swung open and with a skilful jump Aang obtained the flying glider midair and vanished into the night sky.
Omake
Aang's eyes shot open, looking at Pathik in shock.
"What?! Why would I let go of Katara? She's the reason I'm here in the first place!"
The guru followed with his explanations, his voice gentle but simple.
"Aang, to master the Avatar State you must open all the Chakras. Surrender yourself."
Surrender? He mulled over this predicament in his head. It was true that he had come here for Katara's sake, but then, didn't that mean that he had to do this for her, too? Aang thought back to that night. If he really loved her, he had a greater purpose to fulfill than just trying to be close to her. And in the end, freeing his mind from his attachment was only affecting him, not her, wasn't it?
Aang took a deep breath as he closed his eyes again, concentrating on his meditation another time.
"Okay, I'll try."