(note: lava house fever spoilers-ish)
The barbecue was somewhat terse, to say the least. It started fine, as if a moment before he hadn't nearly drowned in the lava lake and everything in the world was perfect. But as what had happened began to sink in and the adrenaline of the moment started wearing off, their conversation slowly died down, replaced with a growingly uncomfortable silence.
Then they'd just eaten their burgers quietly, mumbling thank yous and making small talk only whenever necessary. Then their goodbyes were uttered and that was that.
That was only a few hours ago.
Tom was alone now, left to the confines of his own room as the events of the past day were playing in his own mind. Star had left after the barbecue ended.
It seemed like the shaky relationship he had tried to foster with Star was at risk of collapsing again. All because a trip down memory lane brought back sour memories and went southward quickly. He'd mentioned something he never should've and he'd seen he'd messed up the second her eyes turned distant and she couldn't match his gaze.
He couldn't help but sigh and think about how he'd messed things up again.
It wasn't like he was trying to play the victim card. She'd insisted on knowing what was up, and he'd tried his best to put it as lightly and as gently as he possibly could've. He'd tried his hardest to be as understanding as possible. That's the best he could've done, right?
After all, didn't he have a right to know if his girlfriend had kissed another guy? Didn't he have a right to assume that his girlfriend wasn't cheating or harboring unspoken feelings for another person? Didn't he have the right to be disappointed and angry when the very one to tell you exactly that is not your girlfriend, but instead the very person she kissed?
Why was she the one shocked and angered when he'd told her that he knew? Why was she the one acting all dramatic and distant all of a sudden?
Shouldn't he have been the one berating her, the one to flare up this time?
Well, one part of him felt that way. A part of him wanted to raise his voice and yell back at her the moment she turned the tables around on him. Part of him wanted to blame her for not bringing it up or even trying to understand things from his point of view.
But that part of him was just that. Only a piece of him. He'd learned to suppress that feeling. To deal with his low temper and build a tolerance for these moments. So he'd done what he thought he should've done at that moment. Trying to give ground, be attentive and fully understanding, and avoid throwing fault.
He did what he was supposed to at that moment. But all he got in response was silence on her part.
Back then, it seemed he was always the one to instigate problems and be troublesome. It always was his fault. It always was his anger and rage which broke things down. Never hers, it seemed. It looked like it was himself that was the problem. His temper was why they couldn't work.
So he'd done everything to try and fix himself. He'd done everything to try and make something of himself. He'd taken anger management courses, used that anger as a means to learn new skills, and learned to take a less heavy approach towards his life. He'd made more friends and went out more.
And all of his efforts had cumulated at that moment, when he successfully suppressed the overwhelming urge to break down again and throw it all back to her on that beach in that house.
And yet, it didn't work. It didn't resolve peacefully or even conclusively at all. Despite having seemingly surrendered his faults and fixing the only visible issue with their relationship, it didn't work. Even though he'd done everything he thought was right, it fell apart.
He had always been the one in the wrong. Ever since they'd met, that always seemed to be the case. Ever since they'd first started dating, that was the situation.
But now… as he looked back on it and tried to analyze what'd happened, he couldn't feel as if he was the one at fault here. No matter how he'd tried to spin it against himself or tried to make the interpretations as positive as possible, none of it seemed to be his fault this time. And as unusual as it felt to him and as unwilling as he himself was to admit it, this time it was all on Star's shoulders.
Because it was Star who was the one to close herself off this time. She was the one who refused to speak or push herself to approach him and talk about it as openly as she could. She was the one to spin it against him and ignore what he'd had to say.
The more he'd thought about it, the more apparent that had seemed.
But why?
Why was she acting that way this time?
Everything between them was fine until…
Until he mentioned that incident…
Maybe it was in the way he'd brought it up, maybe he'd unintentionally suggested that she'd purposefully and knowingly kissed Marco. Maybe that was what happened…
But he'd noticed that and tried to amend for it! He acknowledged that it didn't mean anything to her and was unintentional! He looked through her shoes for a moment and tried to show that he understood her. She still gave him the cold shoulder, or for that matter, it seemed to make things worse.
It just wouldn't make sense!
Unless…
…
Unless it actually did mean something to her.
…
Then it all made sense.
Why else was she unable to respond when he assumed that kiss had meant nothing to her?
Why else was she so unwilling to tell him what'd happened and so angry when she'd learned he had known?
Why else was she so adamant about heading over to Marco's place before the storm?
Star liked Marco…
If he was being honest, part of him had known that truth already…
He'd just wanted to ignore the hints and act like it wasn't actually true.
Tom heaved a sigh as he let that fact sink in. Star liked Marco. Of course she did. Of course she always did. It was obvious the moment Meteora was gone and her first thought was about catching Marco first. He couldn't be angry at her for that. That in itself was her decision. It was her right.
But his actions probably didn't help her at all in that case… instead just making things more muddled and confusing for her. He spoke as if her mind was set and what'd happened actually didn't mean anything to her. He'd failed to notice her silence and realize the true implications of what he'd brought up to her. He'd refused to be the better man and acknowledge the signs of what was going on.
But in that same way, he reasoned, Star was making things worse for him and herself as well. She wasn't willing to hold a conversation about it, even when put into confrontation. She'd isolated him and left him to dwell on the very fact the incident had happened to the point to where the only solace he could find was in talking to his own mother instead of her.
She was trying to avoid the truth instead of deal with it head-on.
And for what?
To avoid hurting him again? To keep their relationship intact and keep him happy in some sick way? To keep his parents happy and avoid causing suffering?
She was only causing more pain this way. More suffering.
While the events in the castle after Meteora's defeat raised his suspicions of her supposed feelings for Marco, what had happened here not only confirmed those suspicions, but revealed something important to him.
Star was not going to be the one to start this discussion.
She was going to delay and refuse, silence and deny, and fake her own happiness, all for the well-intentioned yet misguided attempt to avoid hurting others or hurting herself. She was willing to shuffle her feelings under the bed in the hopes that he'd never hate her. Whenever anything touching that dreaded topic would reach her ears, that was what would happen. Then once the topic faded, she'd shift to her normal self and act as if it'd never happened around him.
That was exactly what'd happened today.
While he couldn't fully blame her for what he knew were well-intentioned efforts, he couldn't help but feel disappointed and angry that she was running away from this problem. It pained him to think that Star was willing to stay with him despite her own feelings. It angered him to think that Star hadn't seen how that would only make things worse and more damaging in the end.
A half-hearted relationship does no one good. Not her, not him.
…
Maybe they both were at fault then.
They both had tried to ignore reality. Maybe at different times and at different scales, but still costing the other in unforeseen ways.
But now he knew what had to be done. He could see where things were headed.
If Star wasn't going to be the one to start that inevitable discussion, he would instead.
(1584 words)
A/N: a lot of fanfictions tried to spin it completely towards a starco ending, i tried implying that but through Tom's perspective and through the light of how Star acted in the episode.
leave a review maybe? would appreciate any kind of criticism on how this one went, idk if it fails horribly at representing tom at this point or the show
bye