Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion. Simple as that. This is a work of fan fiction, and as such, I am not, nor will not, be paid for this work.
Author's Note: This is my third version of this chapter, and as far as I can see, the final. Now, if only I can get the second chapter finished up.
A very small handfull of people remained behind to see the caskets lowered into the soft ground of the hallowed cemetary. These people, clad in black, watched silently as the first handfulls of loam and moist soil were tossed onto the caskets before parting, each burying a part of his or her past with the dead. However, one boy refused to let go, or so it seemed to the elder man who overheard his soft comment.
"I'm sorry, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Your deaths are my fault. Forgive me."
The man heard these words, and inwardly felt sympathy for the boy, and in doing so was probably the first person to have felt this for him. The old man glanced at another of the departing figures, this one a young girl. The girl's face revealed no emotion, but even still, he could see an aura of pain and misery emenating from her. The man felt sympathy and pity for her too, after what she had been through and what secrets she held within her fragile mind.
'What has that man done? Am I cursed to repeat his arrogance?' he thought to himself. The soft sigh of the breeze through the barren wastes of that cemetary the only answer to his silent question.
Shinji Ikari lay awake on his bed, staring at the ceiling. His thoughts float through his memories of the past few days, reliving each and every one of them repeatedly. Especially his cowardince. His fear. Had I not frozen in terror, I could have saved them. Or at least Asuka. Misato was wounded before. But she used the last of her life to give me the chance to save as many as I could, and I wasted it. I wasted her life. How can I ever hope for forgivness for that? How could I ever hope for forgivness after standing by while Asuka fought....and died? Tears dropped on an already moist pillow.
Rei Ayanami also lay on her bed, reliving the past few days, recalling things she had done, and events she had witnessed. I am no longer a doll, she thought. I will no longer allow others to live my life. It is mine alone. Then she recalled the end. He chose not to return. He could have returned, but remained. His wife. Does he expect to see her again? She is not there, but not here either. She is within it. The others are there. If they are all gone, why do I still wish to see them? Is this sadness? regret? anguish? Is this feeling called anguish? Loneliness? Am I still lonely?
The former Sub-Commander Fuyutski sat in the office of the former Commander Gendo Ikari. Ikari, he thought, with your death, you leave me in command of Nerv. What am I to do with it now? SEELE will attack us yet again, and you have left me nothing but a badly damaged Unit 00, two mentally unstable pilots, and a short staff. Is this the result of your madness? And what about the Fourth Unit? Is it to remain in cryostasis, awaiting him to wake? I will not make your mistakes over again. I will not fall victim to your madness. You did all of this for your own selfish desire to see her again. You fool, you forget, she is with it. You will never be with her again. She saw to that herself.
Shinji Ikari awoke the following morning, but did not immediatly rise. Instead, he wondered about actually getting up. Why should I? he asked himself. It's not like I have a reason to anymore.
He did get out of bed and shower, eventually, dispite his mental objections. Perhaps his body was refusing to give up such ingrained habits. This was further confirmed as Shinji sat at the breakfast table, staring at the extra food he had prepared.
"Why did I cook so much?" he asked noone in particular. Indeed, there was noone to ask. Even Pen-pen was gone, still away for safe-keeping where Misato Katsuragi had sent him.
The walk to school was no different for Shinji, and may have actually been a little worse for the depressed pilot, if that were possible. The walk gave him nothing to distract himself with, allowing him to finally bask in his loneliness. His arrival at school did not promise much of a respite for the boy.
Shinji walked slowly into class and sat at his desk, his head down, lost in his thoughts.
"Hey, what's up with you?" Toji asked.
"Yeah, you look like you stayed up all night with your lovely roommate." Kensuke added.
"Speaking of the red-haired devil, where is she?" Toji threw in.
"She's gone." Shinji answered softly.
"Gone? What, is she at Nerv or something?" Toji asked.
"Is it something to do with that battle yesterday?" Kensuke, ever the military otaku, wanted to know.
"The battle....yes, with the battle." Shinji answered even quieter than before, and then seemed to withdraw into himself even more. His friends looked at each other behind his back.
"Hey, the Teacher's here!" Hikari shouted. "All rise!" Everyone snapped to their fee, except Shinji, who stood up slowly, and Rei, who as usuall, did not even seem to notice that anyone else existed.
At lunch Shinji sat by himself, ablivious to those around him, and slowly ate his food without tasting it.
"I wonder what his problem is?" Kensuke asked Toji as they ate.
"Beats me. Knowing him, probably depressed that he's not being beaten by that bitch he lives with." Toji answered.
"Wouldn't doubt it." Kensuke added around a mouth-full of food.
Shinji felt even more alone as he walked to Nerv after school, though he walked beside Rei Ayanami. Neither of them spoke till they were at the gateway to Nerv HeadQuarters, when Rei uncharacteristicly broke the silence.
"Why are you sad?" she asked Shinji in her too-quiet manner.
"Why am I sad?" Shinji began. "They're gone, and it's my fault."
Rei thought on this for a moment, then spoke again.
"How are their deaths your fault?"
"I'm a coward." Shinji said after a few moments, so softly that even the normally quiet Rei had difficulty hearing heam. She did not respond after that, but wondered instead why he would think that, after what he had done. She did not come to any good answer, nor did she think he would tell her anything more, by the time they reached Nerv HeadQuarters.
"Good, you're here." Fuyutski said when they walked into Central Dogma. "Pilot Ayanami, please come with me." Ayanami followed him to Commander Ikari's former office and stood in front of that same desk while Fuyutski sat behind it in the room's only seat.
"I need to speak with each of you about the events of the past few days." he began. "First, I need to know if you have any idea why no one else seems to know about Third Impact."
"I do not know. Perhaps because they were not directly involved in it." the First Child responded.
"Okay, and what happend to you and Pilot Ikari during the Impact? We don't have any solid information on that." the newly-promoted Commander asked.
"I was fulfilling my role, that which I was created for." Rei stated. "But I did not do what Commander Ikari wanted me to. I did what I desired."
Fuyutski sat in silence for a moment, digesting what the young girl had just told him.
"Ikari should have forseen that he could not treat you as he did witout you doing that. He was a fool. You will not be treated like that anymore. You will be free to do as you wish. You have my word on that. Now, would you please send Shinji in?"
"You wanted to speak with me?" Shinji mumbled when he stood in front of the desk. His hunched shoulders did not add to his already very unhappy appearance.
"Yes." Fuyutski said, concerned about the Third's appearance. "I need to have any information you have on the events during Third Impact."
"They died." Shinji stated.
"I need more than that. What happened?" Fuyutski said, beginning to wonder about the stability of this pilot.
"I wanted to help Asuka, but couldn't bring myself to. Misato died to give me the chance to save her, and I wasted her life. Then Rei appeared as Lillith. She asked me what I wanted of the world. I wanted a world where I could be happy, but I was alone in that world. Then I didn't want to be alone. i wasn't hapy there, with just one person, so I just remade this one." Shinji said in a rush. A rather angry sounding rush.
"I understand now." Fuyutski said quietly. "You may go."
Shinji and Rei spent the rest of the evening filling out reports and paperwork on the events of the Third Impact, telling everything they saw and experienced several timesover, to be sure there was no mistake on the facts. It was just past supper time when Shinji got home.
Shinji walked in and prepared some instant noodles and curry for himself. He looked at the empty places at the table and sighed to himself.
"They're gone, and won't be comming back." he said softly to the empty house.
Shinji ate in silence before going into his room and laying on his bed, thinking much the same as he had the previous night, untill the sun's light reminded him to prepare for school again.
Across town, Rei Ayanami also lay awake after supper, but was thinking far different thoughts than Shinji. She was thinking about Shinji, and wondering why he was blaming himself for something he could nt prevent. She lay awake, wondering why he was so depressed, and what she could perhaps do about it, but nothing came to her mind.
Author's Notes Section: Alright, here we have the third attempt at this chapter. The version combines both of my previous versions, as well as some new stuff. I have been taking into account the review I have gotten, and used their suggestions to improve upon my writing. Now, if only I can get the second chapter finished.
As always, feel free to review. As a matter of fact, I would preferr it if you would, for good or bad, so that I may improve upon my existing work.
PhilG
Author's Note: This is my third version of this chapter, and as far as I can see, the final. Now, if only I can get the second chapter finished up.
A very small handfull of people remained behind to see the caskets lowered into the soft ground of the hallowed cemetary. These people, clad in black, watched silently as the first handfulls of loam and moist soil were tossed onto the caskets before parting, each burying a part of his or her past with the dead. However, one boy refused to let go, or so it seemed to the elder man who overheard his soft comment.
"I'm sorry, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Your deaths are my fault. Forgive me."
The man heard these words, and inwardly felt sympathy for the boy, and in doing so was probably the first person to have felt this for him. The old man glanced at another of the departing figures, this one a young girl. The girl's face revealed no emotion, but even still, he could see an aura of pain and misery emenating from her. The man felt sympathy and pity for her too, after what she had been through and what secrets she held within her fragile mind.
'What has that man done? Am I cursed to repeat his arrogance?' he thought to himself. The soft sigh of the breeze through the barren wastes of that cemetary the only answer to his silent question.
Shinji Ikari lay awake on his bed, staring at the ceiling. His thoughts float through his memories of the past few days, reliving each and every one of them repeatedly. Especially his cowardince. His fear. Had I not frozen in terror, I could have saved them. Or at least Asuka. Misato was wounded before. But she used the last of her life to give me the chance to save as many as I could, and I wasted it. I wasted her life. How can I ever hope for forgivness for that? How could I ever hope for forgivness after standing by while Asuka fought....and died? Tears dropped on an already moist pillow.
Rei Ayanami also lay on her bed, reliving the past few days, recalling things she had done, and events she had witnessed. I am no longer a doll, she thought. I will no longer allow others to live my life. It is mine alone. Then she recalled the end. He chose not to return. He could have returned, but remained. His wife. Does he expect to see her again? She is not there, but not here either. She is within it. The others are there. If they are all gone, why do I still wish to see them? Is this sadness? regret? anguish? Is this feeling called anguish? Loneliness? Am I still lonely?
The former Sub-Commander Fuyutski sat in the office of the former Commander Gendo Ikari. Ikari, he thought, with your death, you leave me in command of Nerv. What am I to do with it now? SEELE will attack us yet again, and you have left me nothing but a badly damaged Unit 00, two mentally unstable pilots, and a short staff. Is this the result of your madness? And what about the Fourth Unit? Is it to remain in cryostasis, awaiting him to wake? I will not make your mistakes over again. I will not fall victim to your madness. You did all of this for your own selfish desire to see her again. You fool, you forget, she is with it. You will never be with her again. She saw to that herself.
Shinji Ikari awoke the following morning, but did not immediatly rise. Instead, he wondered about actually getting up. Why should I? he asked himself. It's not like I have a reason to anymore.
He did get out of bed and shower, eventually, dispite his mental objections. Perhaps his body was refusing to give up such ingrained habits. This was further confirmed as Shinji sat at the breakfast table, staring at the extra food he had prepared.
"Why did I cook so much?" he asked noone in particular. Indeed, there was noone to ask. Even Pen-pen was gone, still away for safe-keeping where Misato Katsuragi had sent him.
The walk to school was no different for Shinji, and may have actually been a little worse for the depressed pilot, if that were possible. The walk gave him nothing to distract himself with, allowing him to finally bask in his loneliness. His arrival at school did not promise much of a respite for the boy.
Shinji walked slowly into class and sat at his desk, his head down, lost in his thoughts.
"Hey, what's up with you?" Toji asked.
"Yeah, you look like you stayed up all night with your lovely roommate." Kensuke added.
"Speaking of the red-haired devil, where is she?" Toji threw in.
"She's gone." Shinji answered softly.
"Gone? What, is she at Nerv or something?" Toji asked.
"Is it something to do with that battle yesterday?" Kensuke, ever the military otaku, wanted to know.
"The battle....yes, with the battle." Shinji answered even quieter than before, and then seemed to withdraw into himself even more. His friends looked at each other behind his back.
"Hey, the Teacher's here!" Hikari shouted. "All rise!" Everyone snapped to their fee, except Shinji, who stood up slowly, and Rei, who as usuall, did not even seem to notice that anyone else existed.
At lunch Shinji sat by himself, ablivious to those around him, and slowly ate his food without tasting it.
"I wonder what his problem is?" Kensuke asked Toji as they ate.
"Beats me. Knowing him, probably depressed that he's not being beaten by that bitch he lives with." Toji answered.
"Wouldn't doubt it." Kensuke added around a mouth-full of food.
Shinji felt even more alone as he walked to Nerv after school, though he walked beside Rei Ayanami. Neither of them spoke till they were at the gateway to Nerv HeadQuarters, when Rei uncharacteristicly broke the silence.
"Why are you sad?" she asked Shinji in her too-quiet manner.
"Why am I sad?" Shinji began. "They're gone, and it's my fault."
Rei thought on this for a moment, then spoke again.
"How are their deaths your fault?"
"I'm a coward." Shinji said after a few moments, so softly that even the normally quiet Rei had difficulty hearing heam. She did not respond after that, but wondered instead why he would think that, after what he had done. She did not come to any good answer, nor did she think he would tell her anything more, by the time they reached Nerv HeadQuarters.
"Good, you're here." Fuyutski said when they walked into Central Dogma. "Pilot Ayanami, please come with me." Ayanami followed him to Commander Ikari's former office and stood in front of that same desk while Fuyutski sat behind it in the room's only seat.
"I need to speak with each of you about the events of the past few days." he began. "First, I need to know if you have any idea why no one else seems to know about Third Impact."
"I do not know. Perhaps because they were not directly involved in it." the First Child responded.
"Okay, and what happend to you and Pilot Ikari during the Impact? We don't have any solid information on that." the newly-promoted Commander asked.
"I was fulfilling my role, that which I was created for." Rei stated. "But I did not do what Commander Ikari wanted me to. I did what I desired."
Fuyutski sat in silence for a moment, digesting what the young girl had just told him.
"Ikari should have forseen that he could not treat you as he did witout you doing that. He was a fool. You will not be treated like that anymore. You will be free to do as you wish. You have my word on that. Now, would you please send Shinji in?"
"You wanted to speak with me?" Shinji mumbled when he stood in front of the desk. His hunched shoulders did not add to his already very unhappy appearance.
"Yes." Fuyutski said, concerned about the Third's appearance. "I need to have any information you have on the events during Third Impact."
"They died." Shinji stated.
"I need more than that. What happened?" Fuyutski said, beginning to wonder about the stability of this pilot.
"I wanted to help Asuka, but couldn't bring myself to. Misato died to give me the chance to save her, and I wasted her life. Then Rei appeared as Lillith. She asked me what I wanted of the world. I wanted a world where I could be happy, but I was alone in that world. Then I didn't want to be alone. i wasn't hapy there, with just one person, so I just remade this one." Shinji said in a rush. A rather angry sounding rush.
"I understand now." Fuyutski said quietly. "You may go."
Shinji and Rei spent the rest of the evening filling out reports and paperwork on the events of the Third Impact, telling everything they saw and experienced several timesover, to be sure there was no mistake on the facts. It was just past supper time when Shinji got home.
Shinji walked in and prepared some instant noodles and curry for himself. He looked at the empty places at the table and sighed to himself.
"They're gone, and won't be comming back." he said softly to the empty house.
Shinji ate in silence before going into his room and laying on his bed, thinking much the same as he had the previous night, untill the sun's light reminded him to prepare for school again.
Across town, Rei Ayanami also lay awake after supper, but was thinking far different thoughts than Shinji. She was thinking about Shinji, and wondering why he was blaming himself for something he could nt prevent. She lay awake, wondering why he was so depressed, and what she could perhaps do about it, but nothing came to her mind.
Author's Notes Section: Alright, here we have the third attempt at this chapter. The version combines both of my previous versions, as well as some new stuff. I have been taking into account the review I have gotten, and used their suggestions to improve upon my writing. Now, if only I can get the second chapter finished.
As always, feel free to review. As a matter of fact, I would preferr it if you would, for good or bad, so that I may improve upon my existing work.
PhilG